The Concept of Rest

I didn't think through this blog post very long before starting to write it. In fact, I only thought about it for about 5 seconds, so I apologize in advance if it is kind of all over the place.

I'm pretty sure it's not at all uncommon for people with eating disorders to have a hard time grasping the concept of "rest".  Personally, resting is something I really suck at!  Even if I'm sick or injured, I have a very hard time allowing myself to really rest.  In fact, I'm not even sure what resting really looks like!  I think for most people it's like watching a few movies back to back, drinking tea or hot cocoa, eating food that tastes good, reading books, taking naps.... and such.  The only things in that list that I do even semi-regularly are drink tea and read books... and I really only read books when I'm on the toilet or right before going to sleep.  (Lol sorry... is that gross?  Haha you'll live.)  I almost never watch entire movies, and certainly NEVER watch them back to back.  Corky and I will watch a TV show before bed, but most of the time I fall asleep part way through it.  I hate taking naps.  

If I do manage to rest at all, I feel extremely guilty about it.  I feel as though I  "should" be up and moving, burning calories, getting things done, doing something for someone else.  I feel selfish, fat, gluttonous and lazy when I "rest."  I'm putting the word rest in quotes there because I don't think I'm even doing it right when I try. 

"Rest" was the main directive I was given last August when I got my wisdom teeth out.  I really struggled with that!  Well, I sort of did and I sort of didn't.  The first day I actually felt okay.  The day I got them out I felt, for the most part, fine.  I was a little woozy at first, and sort of dizzy the rest of the day, but I wasn't in much pain and I wasn't too tired.  It turned out that my body was actually in shock because the extraction wasn't exactly easy (I would know, I was awake for it!) and I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.  

The 2nd day was hard.  I felt like crap.  But my brain was like well if you are going to sit on your ass all day like they said, then you can't eat!  Which was also a problem because the dentist was telling me how important it was that I gave my body adequate nutrition so that it could recover quickly.  I almost started laughing.  Adequate nutrition is something I don't even give my body when I'm doing 3 Zumba classes per day, to say nothing of sitting on the couch!  But at the same time, I was so tired and in so much pain that I couldn't have gotten up even if I tried.  Of course, you know me.  I did too much too soon and got dry socket and blah blah. Oh yeah.  That was horrible.

It was really shocking to me how long it took me to fully recuperate from that procedure.  And I didn't even have the general anesthesia to flush out of my system!  And I wasn't on pain meds (don't ask.)  It took about 3 weeks before I could do a whole hour Zumba class without it feeling like someone was smashing an ice pick into my skull and jawbone.  It took nearly as long for me to have my usual energy (which is to say dead tired all the time) back, and even longer before the headaches went away.  "Rest."  Sure.. I'll get right on that.

Or in early November, for example, when I got home from my honeymoon with a nasty intestinal problem.  My doctor said the dreaded R word to me.  "Rest," she said.  Again, I nodded and promised I would, and then turned around and taught all my normal Zumba classes, worked extra hours at my nanny job, and even subbed some Zumba classes.  Rest?  What does that mean?  My life doesn't slow down.

So this past week has been crazy.  Late nights, lots of Zumba, lots of work, and early mornings.  I. Am. So. Exhausted.  At about 3:30 this afternoon, I dyed my hair.  Took a shower to rinse it out.  Lay down on the bed with Corky... and I sort of fell asleep!  I know my body is tired.  My brain is tired.  But I felt so guilty for falling asleep.  And all the rest of the evening I've been lazy!  I've eaten dinner and even had popcorn and some other stuff and many Coke Zeros (I think I'm addicted.  No, I know I am!)  Tomorrow I will teach 3 Zumba classes and be just as tired as I was before I slept for 20 minutes today.  

But why can't my stupid brain forgive me for falling asleep?  It was 20 minutes!  I couldn't do any more Zumba this moment even if my life depended on it.  This is Rest... Ish.... right?  Isn't this what I'm supposed to do when I'm tired?  So why do I feel so bad?