The Quiet Time

It's 6:42am.
The house is quiet.
Nobody is awake except the dogs and me.
All I hear is the "sssshhhhh" sound of Mara's white noise machine coming over the baby monitor.  The dogs have been let out into the backyard. The light is soft, the harsh sun is not yet above the tree line.  

This is the quiet time of day.  It will not come again until the same time tomorrow.  Even after Mara goes to bed at night, it's not quiet because the dogs are romping around, the dishwasher is usually running, Corky is playing the TV, and I'm usually studying. 

This is my "me time".  My time to regroup, recharge and gear up for the day.  I drink my coffee in peace.  Even if I do get another cup of coffee (or five), I'm usually chugging it because there are 5 other things needing my attention right then.  But this cup, I can savor it, enjoy it, sometimes it even cools off and I have to zap it in the microwave!  When I drink coffee later, it usually scalds my tongue because I'm just trying to get it down my throat in a hurry for the caffeine kick.

Right now, the house is in a state of controlled chaos.  Mara's toys have all been tossed into a cardboard box that came from Costco, that she's been using as a race car.  Eventually, if I have the time, I'll put them all away in the bins where they belong but for now at least they're out of the way so nobody will trip on them and no dogs will chew them to pieces.  The dishes in the kitchen need tending to, there are crayons all over the table, a pile of laundry on the landing of the stairs awaiting the thrill of the spin cycle.  A group  of chicken breasts patiently waits on the top shelf of the fridge, no doubt wondering whether they'll be paired with BBQ sauce or salsa in the crockpot.

But I'm not going to do any of those things right now.

Right now I'm going to sit here, drink my coffee and catch up on my favorite blogs.  Sure, there are many other things I could (and maybe should) be doing but this moment is for my sanity, dammit, and that's more important than any other thing I could be doing right this second.

Busy August

I haven't had as much time to write as I had hoped.  

Everything is fine, things are just stupid busy right now.  Mara's in school, I have my classes, subbing lots of classes, studying, working out, trying my damnedest to house-break Frank.  We had family in town, Corky was out of town, Corky had a Spartan Race, Mara and I both had dentist appointments. I planned my dad's birthday bash, helped a lady plan a zumba class for refugees in South America, and all of that on top of the normal day-to-day stuff like grocery shopping, going to the bank, dishes and the endless laundry.

It's been quite a month!  And it's not over yet! 

Just today I have to.... get my weight training in for the day, unload/reload/run the dishwasher, fold the load of laundry that's going to come out of the dryer in a few mins, prepare dinner, study, find the living room floor again (it's buried under toys) and hopefully get Mara to bed at a reasonable hour since she's been up past her bedtime for three nights in a row.  (She's napping right now, thank GOD!)

This weekend I have to.... sub a class tomorrow morning (aqua), weight train and run on Sunday, buy my sister's birthday present (her birthday is tomorrow but she's out of town), try to keep the house in decent shape, vacuum/mop, sort out plane tickets to Edmonton for October, meal prep for next week and all that while it's going to be 100+ outside.  Thank goodness for air conditioning.

Next week I have to... sub a class on Monday morning (cycle) and run, teach my class (Zumba), weight train, and get Mara to/from preschool on Tuesday, teach my class (Aqua), meet my dad for lunch and hit up Costco on Wednesday, teach my class (Zumba) and sub 2 classes (Aqua and cycle back to back) on Thursday in addition to getting Mara to/from preschool and getting her to bed at a decent hour, teach my class (Zumba) on Friday, plus get Mara to and from school, AND do a bunch of busy work like keep everyone fed, bathed, clean, make sure we don't run out of groceries, the cars don't run out of gas, the house isn't buried under dust and clutter, the dogs don't tear apart the place or pee in the house, everyone has clean clothes to wear, AND get all my workouts in.  

WHEW! I'm exhausted already just thinking about it. 

Mara has a little birthday party to attend on the 28th and that will pretty much usher out the month of August.  Bring it on! I'm ready!

The Joys

The joys of eating disorder recovery....

...getting your period and you're not used to it so you never have a tampon.

I am having a shitty day and I feel so incredibly huge.  It's unreal.

Fun

I've seen this before, and just recently it popped up again on my Facebook newsfeed, shared by one of my Mama friends.  I read it and smiled, because it's a really sweet sentiment and is, to an extent, true for me.  But more than that, it made me start thinking about what the word "fun" really means to me.

I cannot deny that my definition of "fun" has changed drastically over the years.

When I was 5, fun was climbing trees, building forts, getting dirty, playing on playgrounds, collecting rocks, catching slugs in jars, running around bases on an empty baseball diamond, swimming in the pool, going to the children's museum or the zoo, eating McDonalds Happy Meals every now and then, watching Beauty and the Beast or baking cookies with my mom.

When I was 10, fun was playing soccer, softball, or basketball, swimming on Swim Team in the summer, eating Hershey's Cookies & Cream bars, playing with sidewalk chalk, playing my Gameboy, playing with barbies (but don't tell my friends because that's not cool anymore), rollerblading, pretending to like boys, doodling, eating watermelon, chewing gum, lighting fireworks, going to Skate World, playing air hockey, exploring abandoned houses, playing in the swamp, going to Superplay or swimming in my friend's backyard pool.

When I was 15, fun was learning to drive, going shopping, doing dance and gymnastics, writing in my journal, chatting on Yahoo Messenger (shush it), buying copious amounts of lip gloss, playing with glittery makeup, crushing on boys for real, listening to music moodily in my bedroom, painting my nails each a different color, horseback riding, playing soccer, straightening my ( already very straight) hair, talking on the phone and buying new phone cases for my Nokia cellphone.

When I was 20, fun was working out every day, starving myself, trying to look thin in everything I wore, hating my body, cutting calories, calculating fat grams, weighing my food,  walking every chance I got, swimming for an hour or more every day, staying in destructive relationships despite my judgement, getting admitted to the hospital for anorexia, and almost dying from low phosphorus and malnutrition.

Wait... what?

Clearly something monstrous and monumental happened between ages 15 and 20.  I went from a typical, moody-yet-happy hormonal teenager who crushed on guys and occasionally forgot to shave my legs to a sick, unhappy, half-dead twenty-year-old girl with almost no sense of self-worth and shredded confidence.  When I was 20, I didn't know what the hell the word "fun" even meant anymore.

It's taken me almost a decade to get out of that abyss I managed to get myself into, and I'm still not out yet.  For whatever reason, I like to keep my toe in it just in case I feel the need to peek back into those waters and remind myself why I chose to fight it and leave it (mostly) in my past.  There's something about it that's comforting to me - probably the fact that it was my lifestyle for some of the biggest, most developmentally important years of my life.  The years that I learned to be independent, hold jobs, study, build relationships.  All those years were overshadowed by my eating disorder.  Everything I know about being an adult is tinted a lovely yet very confusing shade of anorexia nervosa.

Nevertheless, I persist.

Now, I'm 29 and fun is watching my daughter grow and flourish, laughing and joking with my husband, blowing out nearly three dozen candles on my birthday cake, taking vacations with my whole family, teaching Zumba, Aqua Fit and Cycle classes, going for runs, eating healthy and delicious food, shopping, blogging, biking, swimming, hiking, snowboarding, SCUBA diving, exploring forests and beaches, watching shooting stars, eating frozen yogurt with cookie dough pieces, watching documentaries, walking my dogs, reading books, hanging up Christmas lights, lighting the Hanukkah menorah, making friends and laughing till I cry.

I am one of the lucky ones.  My life has made a total 180 since the darkest days of my illness.  I am still re-learning what "fun" means because I find myself getting caught up in how my body looks or feeling insecure.  However, I've come to the realization that we ALL have insecurities about some things from time to time, whether it's body, mind, capabilities, etc.  I have yet to encounter anyone who is 100% comfortable with themselves 100% of the time.  

We are an imperfect species.  But being able to have fun, despite our sometimes unfortunate circumstances, is one of the most valuable skills a person can have, I believe.  If you sit around waiting for everything to be perfect before you do something, you'll never do anything.  

Still not sure about the "fun is a messy house" thing though.... I need to work on that one. ;)

Sunriver, OR - July 2016

Normally I do these posts in order, kind of in a narrative fashion, but today I'm just going to  tell about the trip by way of putting the pictures and captioning them.  I'm honestly too busy to try and sort them out chronologically.  So this will have to do!

So we went to Sunriver, Oregon, July 23-30.  We stayed in this big, 4 bedroom house with my parents and my sister.  Corky came down on the 24th and left the 25th and Mara and I stayed the whole time.  My sister was participating in the Oregon High Desert Classic (horse show) in Bend, so we made a vacay out of it.

The first morning we were there was my birthday, July 24th.  Mara woke up early that day and we went out to the living room to make coffee (for me) and breakfast (for Mara) while everyone else slept.  I glanced out the window into the backyard and saw a deer munching away on the vegetation in the yard!  I pointed her out to Mara, who looked and tried hard to make sense of this animal.  She'd never seen a deer before, so the closest thing she could come up with was "Zeebah!" (Zebra).  Cute!

We ventured into Sunriver Village after Corky arrived on my birthday.  There is a little train there for kids to ride.  Mara LOVED it!  She kept saying, "oh, train!" every time she saw it.  It cost $20 for a 10-punch ticket, which we burned through in about 2 days!

Choo choo!!!

Mara running around the village

That night, for my birthday, we went to Pasting in the Old Mill District.  Mara, who was fighting a virus, was basically on hunger strike.  She would, however, eat ice cream!  So she ate my birthday sundae.  Spumoni.. mmmm :)

Here are some pictures from hanging around the house one (hot) afternoon:

Face timing with Corky after he left

Mara hanging out on the porch.  The essence 

of summertime as a kid! :)

I bought her these Paint With Water booklets.  Here she is

creating beautiful artwork on the porch while drinking juice.

Hanging out at Auntie Hannah's horse show:

It was about 95F this day. SO HOT!

Before coffee:

After coffee:

One day, my sister and I rented stand-up paddle boards and hopped 

into the Deschutes River.  We paddled downstream for like two 

hours!  We didn't see many fish but we did see a lot of bugs.

Soaked and happy after paddle boarding!

Some more toddler craziness:

This apple was actually meant for Hannah's horse lol

And on our last day, Mara took Papa for one more spin on the train:

Here, Just Busy

Hi! I'm here! I haven't disappeared forever. 

Just really busy.  

I'm hoping to find time to blog about our trip to Sunriver, OR. :) And about other stuff that's been going on.

Talk to you soon!