I typically don't say much about this because it makes me sound insane. Like literally, off my rocker, batshit crazy. Not to everybody, but to some people. I can always tell when they are thinking that because they get this look on their faces.... I can't explain it. Their lips kind of pull back, sometimes just on one side, there's a slight head tilt, a small raise in eyebrows; a look that just screams "yeah, right!" I really fucking hate when people look at me like that. So I don't usually say much about misophonia.
But misophonia exists - and I have it. Click Here to view a website that provides information about misophonia.
Basically it means that I hate sounds. Certain ones. But there are lots of them. I've had it my whole life. Anyone who does not have misophonia does not understand the intense hatred, anger, abhorrence, etc. that a sufferer goes through when hearing a trigger sound, especially repeatedly.
Guys, this is more than just "oh I hate when people chew gum loudly." This is a full body reaction, a total meltdown of composure. I, personally, have many trigger sounds but there is one that is the most severe of all: lip smacking. Mouth sounds in general are trigger sounds for me but smacking is the worst of the worst. In the past I've been known to twitch, scream, swear, hit the wall (or table, or whatever is near me), cry hysterically, hit my head, scratch my skin, even try to pull my hair out, just to make the reaction stop.
People.... I cannot even tell you how it feels. As I type this, my dog is chewing on something. Some dead cow part. I believe it's a kneecap. EW!!! Anyway, this is Thursday. Corky works Tues-Sat. Tuesday, Wednesday and half of Thursday I am home with the dog. Tuesday is usually okay.. she's pretty tired after playing with Corky all weekend, so she sleeps a lot. Wednesday things get a little harder. I often have to run errands and I am not good at doggie-wrestling like Corky is. So Abigail will follow me around, get underfoot and whine at me if I'm not constantly paying attention to her. So I put up with that for as long as I can and then I give her something to play with. Well, she's bored of balls and squeaky toys (because squeaking I can handle!) and wants something edible.
Enter the kneecap.
She received that kneecap yesterday (Wednesday) at about 11:30am. She has been chewing on it and licking it constantly. I can hear it over music I play. I can hear it THROUGH MY IPOD! Did I mention I have intensely good hearing? I can hear like negative 10 decibels or something. I could hear my audiologist through the soundproof booth she had me sitting in! Nothing helps. If I take away the kneecap, Abigail finds something else to chew on. If I remove everything from her, she licks the god damn floor. Over and over. In one spot. Licking, smacking, endlessly.
My chest feels tight. My hands are tingling. Right now! RIGHT FUCKING NOW! My blood feels like it's boiling and it feels like little icicles are pricking my brain. I feel like a mountain that is about to erupt. I want to scream. I am not a mean person, but honest to GOD I feel like drop-kicking my dog right now. I would never do it, but I am so, so angry.
Nobody told me my dog would lick, smack and chew constantly. Nobody fucking told me that! I've never had a dog before. My parents dog doesn't do anything. She just lies around all day. Why couldn't I get a dog like that? Oh no, I get the dog that has to lick and chew and smack EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF LINT IN THE HOUSE!!! She'll sit in one spot, and lick her chops for hours. This is why I only had birds for years! They don't have lips!!!!! Why can't Abigail just have a beak?
I often find myself asking God, the Universe, whoever: "Why?" Why would you give me misophonia AND amazing hearing? Why would you give me a high IQ and then give me all these sensory problems to hinder me in school? Why would you give me an eating disorder and then make me hungry? Why would you do this to me? What did I do wrong? I don't understand, and nobody ever answers me!
This isn't getting any easier. I spent my whole life saying "Don't smack!" to my parents who just yelled at me, told me to deal with it, get over it, you're overreacting, you're blowing it out of proportion. Nobody understands the deep hatred for sounds I have. Nobody understands how deep it goes, how severe it is, how violent my reaction inside is. I feel like I'm dying a little bit every time anybody invalidates my intense hatred for this sound. It goes beyond hatred. There is not a word in the English language that can express how I feel about this sound. It's rage. Someone smacks in a certain way, I'll hear it for days. Over and over, on repeat, in my head. I'll never un-hear it.
I've learned to live MY life in a way where I make that sound as little as possible. But everyone else makes it all the fucking time. The other weekend we went snowboarding with Corky's step-dad who is one of the worst smackers I know. He chewed gum the entire way home. Right behind me. In my ear. Smacking for 2 straight hours. I just sat there, my hood up, tears rolling down my face.
People have said before (ahem Corky) "you should just do immersion therapy." Honestly, I think that would make me insane. Like, real-life, honest-to-God nuts. Straightjacket, padded walks, drooling, talking to nobody, insanity. Or else I'd be suicidal. I would off myself if I were forced to sit and listen to someone smacking constantly for days. I would go legit crazy.
I can't tell you what I'd do right now if someone were sitting in front of me going "you hate this sound? You mean this one?" and then smack a bunch. To be perfectly honest with you, I might hit them!
And this just happened: Abigail decided it was necessary to lick the kneecap. Not chew, just lick. And smack, smack, smack, smack. It went on for about a minute straight as I was typing that last paragraph and right before I typed the word "them" at the end of that sentence, I lost it. I slapped the table with my hand and said "just fucking chew it! You don't have to lick it! Just fucking chew it!"
Her ears went back and she dropped the kneecap and slunk under the table where she is now standing, licking her chops and looking at me with these big sad, brown eyes. And I feel like the shittiest person in the world.
Maybe I am! But this is real, guys, and I can't help that.
I had seriously never heard of this before! But I can validate your feelings and I've seen the intense reaction--not me personally, but with Connor. Last year in 3rd grade, the teacher provided three pairs of "noise-proof" headphones for the kids to take turns using when the class got too noisy for them to concentrate. Well one day, all were being used. Connor literally lost it and was crying, holding his ears, hiding under his desk, etc. because he absolutely could NOT concentrate on his writing with the noise. The teacher disciplined him and basically told him to "pull it together". Connor's a sensitive kid, he wanted to be able to "pull it together" for his teacher and do a good job (because he's also type-A). So what did he do? Broke a purple crayon in 1/2 and shoved them in his ears to try and drown out the sound. :-( I had no clue until he was taking a shower that afternoon and starting crying that he didn't want to die...when I asked him what was going on, he admitted what he did, all while having what seemed to me, a full-blown panic attack. Poor guy had to be taken to the ER to have both crayons removed. :-(
ReplyDeleteHe has to do his homework in complete silence, that's why he usually uses Dylan's desk downstairs or works with his headphones on with music (his music he can tolerate). He struggles in class because he had anxiety with all the noise.
Thank you for writing this post--I am going to bring it up with Connor's therapist the next time we see her.
With me it's sneezing. When someone sneezes, I want to kill them. Humans, dogs, cats. It doesn't matter. You sneeze, you die. Especially sneezing fits. Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!!
ReplyDeleteBTW, I don't sneeze. Ever.
Everyone does. It's how your body expells waste, dirt and toxins.
DeleteA new book has just been published. Its called, Sound-Rage. A Primer of the Neurobiology and Psychology of a Little Known Anger Disorder (Chalcedony Press, 210 pgs) and available from amazon.com.uk and amazon.com.
ReplyDeleteThe book provides compelling evidence that it is a developmental, neurological disorder, and presents detailed information about trigger expansion, emotions, cognitions and therapies.
In Section I, Symptoms, Stories, Diagnoses, it describes the lives of sufferers as they confront triggers throughout the day. Section II, Neurobiology, presents an overview of how the brain processes information, specifically the triggers. There is an in-depth look at brain circuitry and multi-sensory processing. This section seeks to explain from a neurological, sensory perspective how triggers expand, from one or two auditory triggers to many auditory, visual, and olfactory triggers. The thoughts and associations that accompany the anger and pain are addressed in Section III, Emotions, Cognitions, and Therapies.
The book answers all the basic questions: how the brain’s “hard-wired” circuitry interprets stimuli as pain and affects behavior and emotions; how processing of visual and auditory stimuli overlap in the brain and result in creating new triggers; how the brain uses mimicry to induce empathy and reduce the distress caused by triggers. The book discusses why the disorder is routinely misdiagnosed and how it is unique among all disorders. It also addresses why exposure therapy worsens the symptoms while cognitive behavior therapy is highly effective in reducing them.
For me it's coughing. Unfortunately I live with someone who smokes 30 roll ups a day...omg it drives me freaking insane. This disgusting "screaming" cough is all I hear every ten seconds 24 hours a day at weekends. In fact I'm having a panic attack over it right now. It makes me want to murder! Argh! I first knew something was different about me when I was a child because if I was around a dog I would go into this all consuming panic cycle about it barking, jumping out of my skin if it did, then back to panicking. Other people find it weird and can't understand it. I hate it and wish I wasn't like it because it's absolute torture most days.
ReplyDeletePS. I also wish I didn't have such amazing hearing! I wish so much I could go a bit deaf!
ReplyDelete