1) I'm fat and weak. That is all I have to say about that. Tomorrow REALLY needs to be a full fasting day. It just does.
2) This is what happens when I'm bored at work:
3) Meanwhile, in Brazil.... OH MY GOD I would freak out if this happened here!!! Raining SPIDERS?!? No thank you! http://gawker.com/5982891/meanwhile-in-brazil-its-raining-spiders
4) A weird pic I took in the mirror last night.
5) It disgusts me to no end that things like this exist. How is this okay? It's not!!! 1080!!! Jesus Christ.
6) So group on Wednesday SUCKED! There was like tons of tension and this other girl and I kind of had it out. I definitely don't want to go back. My therapist told me to write about what I would like to have done differently, or what I wish I had said differently. This is what I wrote:
I wish I had not gone to group at all. IT is true that what I did (speak about H and my parents) was good and I learned that I can speak about that stuff w/o necessarily freaking out & blowing up. It worked to pretend I was someone else pretending to be me. Well, I guess I do not wish I had skipped group because even though the "C" thing happened, A & A & K & H were all glad I said all that, and I never would have know that if I'd missed it. But I wish I had not said I was mad. I should have just said I was feeling jaded and left it there. Jaded is a feeling! So that would have been the first thing I would change. I do not think I should have said I was mad. It's not that I am not allowed to be mad. I am. But I have to remember that I am not just like anyone else when I am mad. C has seen me MAD and freak out. I do not think it was nice of her to totally zone out while I was talking. She's been in therapy as long as me & she could have been more encouraging & supportive. She knows how I feel about talking!!! I wish I could have found the words to say "I wish you'd have been more present/supportive/whatever" to C then. But that doesn't sound nice either... I don't know. Whatever.
So then I wish I would have never said anything when H asked us all what was going on in our heads. I didn't mean to shake my head! It just shook all on its own. I wish I had kept silent then. But I did not. I guess I wish I had just said "It's okay, I understand what you meant." But I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I hate the world! Of all nights for her to have to say that! WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?!?!?!?! Are things ever going to just let up and just BE? It was so hard to talk. Wasn't one incredibly hard thing per night enough?? It's never enough. Nothing is ever enough.
7) I am a fat pig. The end.
No comments:
Post a Comment