White Flag

I know I just posted like 10 minutes ago.  Sorry about it.

I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to fight this anymore.  I am sick of trying to recover.  I give up.  It's too hard.  This is no way to live.  Feeling guilty every time I do what I know is the right thing.... it's not worth it.  It's not fair.  I can't do it.  Why do I have to suffer so much?  What did I ever do to deserve this pain?  It hurts all the time.  100% of the time.  Every second.  It hurts every single fucking second of every single fucking minute of every single fucking hour of every single fucking DAY!  Enough is enough!!!

Tomorrow I am going to tell my therapist that I give up.  She'll "fire" me.  That's her business.  She's not helping me anyway.  I do not want to recover, not if it means I have to go through this much pain all the time.  Why?  WHY??? It's not fair!!!

I don't know which is worse: if there is a god or if there isn't.  If there isn't, then that's just sad, because when we die then there's nothing left for us.  If there is a god, then that might be worse because what kind of god punishes people this way?  I would rather have cancer.  At least cancer fits in a box and makes sense!  Well, medically it makes sense.  People understand cancer.  Nobody understands this.

I am done making "the right choices."  I don't give a shit.  I'll smoke fucking cigarettes if it will make my appetite go away.  I'll take laxatives and diet pills and drink coffee a thousand times a day if it will make this feeling go away. I don't care if it's bad for me.  This mindset is bad for me!!! I am a pig!  Period.  That's all there is to say.

So, for anyone who I may have inspired... sorry about this.  I'm about to let you down, I think.  I really hope that someday there will be a "cure" for this (maybe more like a prevention??) horrible disease.  But most of all, I am so, so, so sorry.