All About Trust

Seeing as I'm the mother of 2 children under the age of 4, I suppose it's not going to come as too much of a shock to many of you when I say the following two words:  I'm tired!  Those of you who have children of your own or who are close to people who have children or have siblings much younger than yourselves may recall that around 4 months of age is when a sleep regression occurs.  I probably mentioned it in a blog post or two back when Mara was a baby.  Anyway, it's a normal albeit unpleasant part of parenting an infant.  Just because you know it's coming doesn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with when it actually arrives.

Anyway, all of that serves as a disclaimer for when I say that I'm sorry if this blog post is a little disjointed.  My brain is full to the max with to-do lists, chores, stressors, reminders and anxieties.  

Parenthood is, in a word, tough.  There are no guarantees.  It's often a thankless job with terrible hours and no breaks.  Children don't come with instruction manuals, and you can read articles and studies until you're blue in the face but there is no way of knowing whether these "guidelines" will even apply to your child, much less you as a parent.  Honestly, it drives me batshit crazy.  I can't even stand the clickbait on Facebook anymore.  Scary Mommy, Huffington Post, Quora... all of it.  It seems that social media these days is rife with people trying to tell how how much screen time your toddler should have and why.  Or why you shouldn't try and make your child eat broccoli.  Or, my personal favorite, the ten totally useless reasons why some mom from RandomCityVille, USA won't let her husband take their daughter on daddy daughter dates (I didn't read it but I would bet my left arm that it has to do with some social norm or expectation that's being upheld and said mom wants to turn her daughter into a tiny feminist or the like) much to the shock of the entire nation.

Yeah, because we don't have enough to worry about on a daily basis!  Things that really matter like paying rent, bills and taxes.  Things like keeping our kids from getting bullied or, God forbid, shot at when they're minding their own business trying to get the education they're entitled to.  Things like keeping food on the table and roofs over our heads.  

It must be nice to live in a world where you have time to worry about whether or not your husband should take your daughter on a date and what kind of expectations she's going to end up with because of it.

Sorry.  I'm being cynical.  I haven't slept more than 3 hours per night in probably about two weeks.  In addition to that, I now understand what people meant when they used the word "three-nager."  My house appears to have a giant bullseye on it for every single virus and bug in the area and there must be a tornado that whips through the downstairs every time I turn my back.  Either that or Toy Story isn't totally a made up concept.

Another thing that's weighing heavily on my mind lately is the fact that I feel very stuck in terms of coping mechanisms.  As you may or may not know (depends on how long you've been with me on this blog) food and body image are as integral in my life as blinking and breathing.  It's partially my past but it's partially society.  I'm not entirely to blame.

Breastfeeding a gigantic infant is draining, literally and figuratively.  A friend of mine told me recently that it takes about 20 calories to create an ounce of breastmilk.  I don't know for sure how many ounces per day my son consumes but I would guess it's in the neighborhood of 30 ounces.  On top of that, I pump about 10-15 ounces daily.  That's quite a bit of calorie expenditure! Naturally, that means I have an increased appetite.  Which, as you might guess, is horrifying to me.

I have never been great at listening to my body.  But now, given the fact that my son wants nothing to do with a bottle, I have no choice but to keep my milk supply up.  Would he eventually figure out how to take a bottle?  Yeah, sure.  Would it be traumatic for everyone in the meantime?  Probably.  Is that something I really want to put on my family right now?  Not at all.  So... I eat.  And eat.  And pump.  And drink water.  And nurse my son all day long, whenever he asks, for as long as he wants.  Is it exhausting?  Hell yes.  Is it worth it?  You bet.

When Mara was a baby, she nursed as well.  Possibly as much as Orion does.  But she would also take a bottle.  This was nice because it took some of the pressure off me.  Since the moment I found out I was pregnant with Mara on March 24, 2014, my eating disorder has always lurked just below the surface.  At first, I was able to placate it by saying, 'it's okay, after this pregnancy you can lose weight.'  Then, when Mara was nursing, I'd tell myself, 'okay, when she weans, you can drop a bunch of weight.'  And I did.  Did I starve myself to do it? Not really.  Did I do it healthily? Well, that kind of depends on how you look at it.  I lost weight by exercising but some might say I lost a bit too much weight.  Regardless, I didn't starve myself so at least there's that.

This time, however, I'm feeling like I was already smaller at this point after Mara's birth than I am now.  I actually can't remember, but you can be sure it's stressing me the heck out.  I feel really trapped because Orion won't take a bottle... all the time I was nursing Mara I knew that if it got to be too much, too hard, I could always wean her and restrict to lose weight.  Not that I planned to do so, but just knowing the option was there was comforting to me.  This time around, I don't have that option.  I feel so stuck and I really hate that.

Like so many things with eating disorders it's about trust and toleration.  Tolerate the feelings because there's not much chance you're going to forget or like it.  Trust that when you feel hungry you actually are hungry because you're feeding an almost-four-month-old who is wearing size twelve month clothing.  What?! When he was first born a friend of mine told me to pay attention to my appetite because, as she put it, "what you're eating is chunking up his thighs, not yours."  I remind myself of those words daily.  Sometimes it's cold comfort but it's all I have.

On a somewhat brighter note, the entire time I was typing this post I kept popping up to check on the oven because Frank's birthday cake was in it.  I just took it out.  (Yes, I made a birthday cake for my dog.  His birthday was this past Tuesday.)  When it cools, Mara will help me make frosting for it and decorate it for him and Abby to enjoy.  That should be cute. And I may be taking the kids up to see my long-time friend in Washington for the day tomorrow.  I don't get to see her often, so that should be fun.  

As always... 'til next time. Xo.

The End Of Winter (Picture Dump)

I had this plan about how I was going to write some deep, meaningful blog post about parenting and all that but... you know what? It's been a long day.  A long week.  A long winter and my brain is tired.  So I'm going to do the easy thing instead.... 

A PICTURE DUMP! Woohoo!

Rather than putting these chronologically (because that would be hard!) I'm going to do them categorically.  Starting with...

Mara

Mara helping me make mashed potatoes

for Shepherd's pie one night.  The stove was NOT

hot, despite the red burner.  I had literally turned on

the burner half a second before this picture was taken.

I don't let my 3 year old near hot stoves, but since we were

just going to put the potatoes in and be done, I figured it was fine.

"Ma, stop kissing me!"

Mara got this set of blocks from my parents (I mean

Santa) for Christmas.  It comes with this little pamphlet 

thingy that shows you all these different things you can build.

We built this one evening while Corky was putting baby Orion 

down for bed.  Not sure what it is.. we used the tricycle because the 

floor was uneven and the blocks wouldn't stay standing up. Lol! Hey, it works.

With a bit of help, Mara wrote her baby brother's name. :)

We had some snow here in February.  Not common but not

unheard of either.  Mara and I went down to the park to play.  

A couple of notable things happened for Mara recently.  One is that she got her hair cut! Her best friend has short hair like this and Mara had been asking for matching hair for a while now.  So one day we went to Great Clips and voila! 

Another notable thing was that she went to the dentist!

It's funny because she looks so angelic in this picture, right? Well

this was just about the only time she sat still.  We waited almost an hour

for the dentist and she was ALL over the place.  Using the dental chair like

a jungle gym.  Grabbing all the instruments.  I texted my mom "SOS!" She did

pretty well with the dentist though.  Let him get in her mouth and everything! Her 

teeth also checked out well, so we just need to go back for an Xray soon and that's it!

This picture is significant because the blue bowl she is playing with 

signifies that she was sick at the time.  She actually had strep throat but 

we didn't know it yet. Her fever was so high that she felt nauseous, hence 

the bowl.  Even with a 103 degree fever, she was still happy, upbeat and playing

as is evidenced by the fact that Goose (the bulldog) is taking a bath in the (clean, 

unused) barf bucket.  She was a total trooper and is still being really good about her meds.

The next category we'll go into is....

Orion

Since I'm suuuuuuper lame and missed both Orion's 2 and 3 month photos here on the blog (second kid problems) here are his photos from those two dates.  February 1st and March 1st.  Notice how both pictures have a "just Orion" pic and an "Orion and Mara" pic.  Cute.

I tried to give him a paci one day.

Obviously he was not impressed with it.

My little sweet boy.

The other week we took the kids to a Mexican

restaurant.  It was Orion's first time and I think he

found the experience very riveting.  Hats suit him, right?

Little baby squish.

Mommy's mini-me.

It's really cute to watch his personality develop.  He's seeming more and more like a "real boy" every day.  

My kids are very different, at least that's how it seems.  

Mara is extremely independent.  Bull-headed and irrational.  Smart and caring.  Clumsy and impulsive.  She is quick to ask someone if they are okay when they fall and also quick to tell someone that they can't be her friend anymore when they say something she doesn't agree with.  She loves her baby brother and simultaneously finds him incredibly irritating.  She is so smart, loves to do her alphabet workbook and is ALL ABOUT playing pretend.  She will play in her bedroom for up to an hour by herself, making up games and stories and worlds for her dolls.  

Orion is, in a word, sweet.  At least to me.  He's a momma's boy through and through! We call him the Boob Goblin because he absolutely refuses a bottle and just wants it straight from the tap.  As long as my boobs are nearby, he's a happy boy.  He doesn't even have to be drinking from it! He's happy just to cuddle with it and coo at it.  His favorite napping spot is belly-to-belly with me, latched on and "sipping".  We refer to that as "boob cuddles."  He smiles and giggles and trills when he sees me.  He also adores Mara.  His favorite sound to make is, "agoo" and Corky jokes that Orion is practicing for his starring role in a production of "Much Agoo About Nothing." Lol!

For the last part of the picture dump, here are some pics of my two kids together.

Cheat Day

Some days I'm just hungrier than others.  Today is one of those days.

I hate these days.