The Edge

chuck it in the f*ck it bucket.

So I've had crappy body image for days now.  Pretty much since the first.  Sorry this entry is going to be all over the place and choppy, I can just feel it coming.  

Last night, I got a rather irritating piece of news about my job.  I had been vying for the Tues/Thurs night Zumba class that my friend J currently teaches (or, taught, rather.)  She was planning on quitting.  Last night was her last class.  So she and I both expressed to our manager that I wanted to cover her classes until a sub could be found, and have the sub take MY classes over, which are Monday night and Friday morning.  After J I have seniority over all other Zumba instructors there, as I've been there the longest.

2 weeks went by since J put in her notice and I heard nothing from H (our manager.)  Meanwhile, our other friend/instructor, A, picked up a Friday night class.  She had been covering my Friday morning class for me, but had gotten a full time job that interfered so she got a sub for it (T.)  At the same time, the lady covering my Monday night class (whose name also starts with A, so I'll call her A2) told me on Dec 17th that there was no classes Mon Dec 24 and Dec 31 on account of Christmas and New Years.  So I told H that I'd be back January 7th, aka this coming Monday.  

New Years eve I got a facebook message from T.  It said "hey, I went to go to your Monday night class tonight because I wanted to meet you, but you didn't come so I went ahead and taught it.   Hope you don't mind!"  I was like "WHAT?!?!?!?" A2 told me there was no class, and anyway that's not my problem because I told H I wasn't coming back until 1/7/13.  Needless to say I was irritated about the lack of communication.  Thank God T was there!

So last night I go to J's final class.  I got there early.  J showed up and wouldn't look me in the eye.  I figured maybe she was just having an off day.  A showed up, my really good friend, and she wouldn't look me in the eye!!!  They both avoided me! I was thinking, do I have leprosy or something?  Also, I found it odd that J said nothing to her class about who would be covering her Tues/Thurs classes.  I decided to ask her after class.

After class, J, A and I were all standing around and I said, "so am I covering your Tuesday/Thursday classes starting next week?"

Silence.

Then A said, "I'm sorry.  H called me and asked me to take Thursdays.  I didn't ask for it!  She called me!  I told her I'd do it, but I don't want it to get in the way of our friendship!  I don't want you to feel like I'm stabbing you in the back.  If you don't want me to take it, I won't take it."

Okay, I know I'm a bitch but I'm not that much of a bitch!  I'm not mad at A.  It's not her fault.  I told her that.  I'm a little surprised she didn't tell me sooner, but whatever.  What's done is done.  So then I said "well what about Tuesday?"

And this is where it gets ridiculous.  A said, "they gave it to N..."

"Who the f*ck is N??"

"The new teacher... she teaches Saturdays...."

I stared.  "Is she the one who doesn't show up half the time?!"

"....yes."

"Exactly how long as she taught here?"

J and A exchanged glances and I knew I wouldn't like the answer.  "A week or so."

Lovely.  So J and I both asked H to let me have those classes.  She didn't even have the guts to call me!!!

But wait!  It gets better!

So then today... I was on my way to a nutritionist appointment and my phone rang.  I answered it with the hands-free in my car.  It was my work!  I heard "Hi this is ****** from Boom.  H wanted me to call you and find out why your classes aren't being covered."

I almost drove off the road.  "Sorry, what?"

"She wants to know why your classes aren't being covered."

"You mean today's class?  I have no idea.  How would I know?  I've told H I don't come back until January 7th.  Today is the 4th.  It's not my class yet.  As for New Year's Eve, I was informed that there was no class that night.  And even if there was, it's not mine either!  You'll have to tell H that she can take that one up with A2, because it was still hers at that point.  Thank you!"  Click.

Shitty, right?  So annoying. 

So I get to my appointment.  My nutritionist asks me lots of questions.  I tell some lies, mostly truths.  She weighs me.  "You've gained.  Your weight looks good."

F*ck.  Me.  

My heart cracked like a glacier.  My blood turned to needles.  My jaw hit the table.  My hands balled into fists.  My eyes stung.  I held it together until I got to my car.

Why am I being punished?  What did I do to deserve this?  I try to be a good person.  I help people when I can.  I pay all my taxes and I donate time and money to a few charities.  I've given bums coins and holiday cards.  I do favors for people.  I'm a good person, damnit, why do I have to hurt so much?

J says "chuck it in the f*ck it bucket."  I am trying to do that.  I laughed about the phrase.  But so far, the f*ck it bucket is mostly empty.  I've thrown the Zumba stuff in there.  It's not my fault anyway.  If H wants to fire me, she's more than welcome to.  I wouldn't recommend it to her, because then she'd have to find replacements at the drop of a hat, but that's her business.  

But I can't chuck the weight thing in there.  No way.