What You Look Like When......

This is what you look like when.............

.......you've been awake for nearly 2 straight days being kicked from the inside.

Two Months To Go

Okay so the official "2 months to go" mark is actually tomorrow, but it's 10:05 pm so it's close enough.

I can distinctly remember walking down 170th Avenue by my house one day last Spring and calculating how long it was until my due date.  I realized it was May 22nd and that I had exactly 6 months to go.  Now it's almost exactly 4 months later.  I can hardly believe that amount of time has gone by.. and yet it actually feels longer sometimes.  Time is a really funny thing.

Another funny thing... I made it to 7 months pregnant before really feeling the need to buy any maternity clothes.  For the longest time I swore I would never buy any.  Just didn't see the point as pregnancy is an incredibly temporary condition (although it may not seem that way at times!) and I thought maternity clothes would be a waste of money.  Well, yesterday I was at the mall shopping for Corky's mom's birthday present, and I tried on a pair of maternity jeans.  I had NO IDEA how much I missed wearing "regular pants" until I tried on a pair!  Lol.  My dad, who was with me at the time, bought them for me.  (Yes, I go shopping with my dad.)  Anyway, I've been happily wearing my jeans all day today and I love them.  So that's a good thing.  Pants shopping was actually the least traumatic it's been in years!  Pregnancy sure changes expectations.

Today, Corky and I attended a veeeerrryyyyy lllooooonnnnggggg prenatal class.  It was called "Breastfeeding & Newborn Care Comprehensive Workshop" and it was 7 1/2 hours long!  It was a long day, but the material was actually pretty interesting.  The only part I didn't like was when we watched a 10 minute video about breastfeeding, which had no words and consisted of close-up shots of babies latching onto nipples.  I'm not grossed out by breastfeeding.. I just don't particularly care to see a ton of random women's nipples up close like that.  I've been experiencing a little 3rd trimester nausea, so I'm just a little more easily grossed out by stuff than usual.  I'll blame it on that. :D

One funny thing: apparently I have an incredibly active fetus!  There were about 15 couples there, and we're all sitting calmly and quietly.............except for me.  I was wincing and cringing every few seconds for most of it because I was being kicked, punched, headbutted and rolled-upon.  Mara hates when I sit still for too long!  After about the 4 hour mark I started getting crazy Braxton Hicks contractions -- my cue to stand up and get moving.  After the dinner break, I didn't sit down.  I stood in the back and swayed back and forth to put Mara to sleep in my belly so that my poor organs, ribs and hip bones could get a break from her tapdancing feet, jabs and uppercuts and headbutting. Her other favorite pastime is sitting on my bladder - something she did a great deal of today.  Love that little girl. :)

But 2 months.. okay.. I can make it for 2 more months.  I've made it for 7 already (although I only knew about the pregnancy for 5 1/2 of those 7, but still!) so 2 more is definitely doable.  The time is still passing pretty quick.  Feels like I blinked and it was halfway through September!  Those dark days of April and May are still so vivid in my mind, sometimes I expect to wake up and find that the last 4-5 months have been a dream and it's still Spring.  Like some kind of awful Groundhog's Day scenario.

Actually I'm more scared now after completing the workshop today than I was before.  Swaddling, diaper changing, burping, bathing... I remember all that stuff from when my sister was a newborn (she's much younger than me so I was present for all of that.)  It's the breastfeeding, hormonal rollercoaster, potential postpartum depression stuff that I'm scared of.  Both my sister and I being adopted, I never got to witness any of that.  I've already been largely flying by the seat of my (awesome new denim) pants with this whole pregnancy thing, because honestly I've never really been around a pregnant person in my life, and I've been doing fine.  But this upcoming stuff scares me.  I've got plenty of support so I know I'll be fine... but it's still scary.

Anyway.. sorry for rambling.  I'll quit now. LOL! 

I hope you had a fabulous weekend. xoxox

Cracked Me Up

I guess it's an indication of what kind of day I've had when, at 1:00pm, THIS is the thing that has made me laugh the most today:

Given my recent labwork I think it's very appropriate! 

Happy Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Weekend here we come! (Unless you're on the other side of the world, in which case it's already the weekend. Haha.)

This Is Also No Big Deal

So... in case the title of this entry didn't tip you off, there is another No-Big-Deal-Actually-It-Is-A-Big-Deal-Kind-Of  event that occurred.  I mean, really, as much as I say eating a doughnut on Saturday was "no big deal" it is.  It's a doughnut and I have an eating disorder.  That's a big deal.  It wasn't a big deal physically (in fact my weight didn't budge between September 5's OB appointment and September 15's, in spite of that doughnut and a few pieces of Nutella toast consumed earlier in the week) but mentally, sure.

This new NBD (no big deal) event is different.  Perhaps a little more permanent, although only time will tell the extent of its' permanence:  I've gotten a few stretch marks.

Yesterday I made a video for my YouTube channel (Link to video HERE).  It was a multi-purpose video.  30 week update, lab update, live belly "pic" and stretch marks, EEEK!  All crammed into a 10 minute video.  Not bad eh? ;)  Yes, I actually stand up and show you my belly in real life.  Not just a picture, although I'll put a picture on the end of this entry for those of you who aren't inclined to watch my videos.

Okay, so about the stretch marks:  It's really not THAT bad.  Believe me, I am completely aware of how trivial a thing stretch marks are.  But for whatever reason my brain has grabbed onto the possibility of stretch marks and I've dreaded their (likely inevitable) appearance since like week 12!  I've put Palmer's Lotion and Vitamin E oil on religiously since week 16, despite being told there is no real evidence that those things help prevent stretch marks (apparently it's mostly genetic.)  I just figure it can't hurt, and I do it for the peace of mind, if nothing else.  And ultimately, the ONLY thing that matters to me is that Mara is healthy, which she is.  I would take 100,000 stretch marks if I had to, as long as she would be okay.  I wouldn't be happy about that, but I would do it in a second!

The stretch marks themselves are not huge, nor numerous, and they are concentrated in one main spot about 2.5 inches to the left of my belly button.  Interestingly, that is the spot where Mara kicks out the most.  I have a little cluster of them in the corresponding spot on the right of my belly button, but Mara Soleil prefers the left so there are more of them over there.  They aren't very noticeable.  In fact, when I lifted my shirt to show my mom yesterday, she couldn't find them!  Nevertheless, I know they are there.

But I'm really not that worried about it.  They say a large percentage of pregnant women get stretch marks.  I've been to quite a few tropical places where people walk around in bikinis and do you know how many times I've noticed stretch marks (or remnants of them) on the bellies of women who are clearly mothers and wearing bikinis?  ZERO.  I've never ever noticed it.  And the likelihood that every single mother wearing a bikini on the beach in those places just happens to be the ones who never got stretch marks is ludicrously low.  So it stands to reason that nobody will notice my faded-out stretch marks the next time I go to the beach.  

When I have realizations like that, I always feel so stupid.  So incredibly stupid to have even thought for a second that anyone would care enough to notice that on me.  I'm not special enough for that!  If I were a celebrity, maybe.  But the next time I go to Hawaii or wherever, I'll just be another mom on the beach with an unremarkable bikini body.  That works for me!

Mara Update:
I had an OB appointment on Monday, September 15th.  Mara is doing great!  The OB was laughing when we were listening to her heartbeat on the doppler because she was kicking the wand like crazy and it was making this loud "GWOOM, GWOOM" sound whenever she connected with it.  

"Sorry," I apologized for my daughter's behavior.

"She's a feisty one," the OB said, laughing.

From across the exam room Corky deadpanned, "She gets that from her mom."

Mara's Stats (approximately)
Length: 17 inches head to toe
Weight: 3.3 lb
Uterus measurement: 32 weeks

It's No Big Deal

That Katy Perry song "This Is How We Do" has been running around in my head for the past half hour.  Specifically, the "it's no big deal.. it's no big deal... it's no big deal, this is NO BIG DEAL" part.  Because.....................

I ate a doughnut.

I haven't had one in probably 4 or 5 years.  It was good, but I don't think I'll eat one again for a long while.  It was good, but it wasn't good enough that the crippling guilt I feel right now is worth it.  But whatever.  It's done, and I can't undo it (because I've never been able to purge in the usual sense of the word.)  

Anyway, it was just one.  I logically know that ONE doughnut isn't going to change anything.  It's really no big deal.

(Click HERE to see the Lyric video for Katy Perry's This Is How We Do)

HAPPY WEEKEND!!!!!!! :)

Nobody But Me

The spirit of this post is dedicated to my blog-friend Ruby.  (Chica, you got me thinking about this topic from your latest post, so I'm going to run with that!)  

Back in the spring I made a video one day for my YouTube channel in which I did something I'd never done on video before: I cried.  Not like full on sobbing, but I was definitely crying.  Not my most attractive video ever, but hey.. it's reality.  (Click HERE to see the video.)

In the video, you'll see I'm sitting on the floor in my closet.  For some reason I had just been trying on jeans.  I know, I know, probably not the smartest thing to do at a little over 2 months pregnant but whatever.  That's what I was doing.  And some of them didn't fit... and it was terrible.  My heart felt like there was a huge crack in it and my blood felt like ice.  I was absolutely terrified.  There aren't words in the English language (or any language, probably!) to describe that feeling to someone who has never experienced it firsthand.  That was April 25th.  I wouldn't go back to those days for anything - not even a million dollars.  Well, maybe a million dollars, but not a cent less. ;)

Not too long after I made that video, maybe a week or two later, I was sitting on my bed doodling in a sketchbook.  As I did so, I cried again.  (Hey, the hormones in the first trimester are no joke! Lol.)  I was just sad.. missing my body, missing Zumba because I wasn't allowed to work out at that time, missing my old life.  Not that I wanted to undo anything -- just because you miss something doesn't mean you want it back.  

But nostalgic though I was at the time, a rogue thought popped into my head: Who else cares about your body?  More specifically I was asking who cared about the changes to my body from pregnancy.  The answer to that was: absolutely nobody at all.  Corky doesn't care.  He loves me just as much as he always has.  My parents don't care.  My sisters probably haven't even noticed.  My friends don't care - they just want me to be happy and healthy.  My YouTube friends don't care.  Neither do my blog friends.  Nobody is judging me based on how my body looks!!! NOBODY!!! Just like I don't judge anyone on how their body looks.  

Wow, that was a liberating thought!  I have all the support a girl could ever dream of.  So what am I so worried about??  It's not like I'm going to be pregnant forever!  Now that would be terrible.

If you're in a similar position (pregnant or not!), remind yourself gently: people don't make friends with the outsides of people.  They make friends with the insides! (The soul.. not the organs.  hmm!)

The Official Results

I am honestly in such a bad mood right now that I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out.. maybe ever.  If I could snap my fingers and cease to exist right now, I would.  I'm not going to get into the particulars of why I feel this way because it's probably not very interesting, but I felt it was pertinent, somehow, to mention it.  We all have bad days, right?

The real reason for this post is to let you know about my official lab results that I FINALLY got in my online chart (after what felt like eons.  And it would have been nice to have these results a little sooner, actually, because then I could have discussed it with my OB when I was there on Friday.  But for whatever reason, the lab felt the need to take forever.)

As far as I can remember, I've never had a CBC look like this before - with a ton of things just a little bit wrong.  First number is my value, and in the brackets is the standard range. (I've only recorded the noteworthy ones here. If it's not listed, then it wasn't remarkable.)

WBC (white blood cell):               13.3 [3.5-11.0]
RBC (red blood cell):                    3.17 [3.80-5.20]
Hgb:                                               10.8 [11.7-15.7]
Hct:                                                31.4 [34.9-46.9]
MCV (size of red blood cells):    98.9* [80-100]
*Not an out-of-range number,  but I've had trouble with high MCV for ages so I just posted it for comparative purposes.

My platelets look good though! So there's that.

And my comprehensive metabolic panel (CMP) didn't look too great either.

K (potassium):                    3.5 [3.7-5.5]
Glucose:                               72 (non fasting)
Creatinine:                          0.50 [0.60-1.30]
Total protein:                     5.6 [6.1-8.0]
Albumin:                             3.1 [3.2-4.9]

So there you have it.  Not the greatest set of results I've ever gotten.  But even though there's a lot of numbers out of the range, none of them are dire looking.  I'm not surprised to see a low hemiglobin number.  I'm anemic, and iron is necessary for making hemiglobin, so that explains that.  It also explains why I feel a little short of breath sometimes, and a little tired.

I am ready for this day to be over now.  I'm ready for this whole damn WEEK to be over!  Is it really only Tuesday?

Bad Blood

As I mentioned in my previous post, I went to my ND on Wednesday and she ordered lab work.  A full lab work up this time, since I haven't had one since the Spring (early April, I think.)  

I tried to tell my OB back in June that I should get a full lab work up every 2 months or so, just because my blood doesn't "behave" like normal blood.  My levels can get out of whack a lot faster than other people's.  But they weren't having it.  "You just had a CBC in April," said one OB I saw on 6/13. "You don't need one again yet."  I tried to tell her that yes, I did in fact need one but.. anyway the point never got through so I didn't get a CBC, CMP or anything else for that matter. 

So I got some of the results back on Wednesday evening, and I posted them here on the blog. 

Yesterday I went in for my 1 hour glucose tolerance test at the OB's office.  Basically I had to drink a small bottle of lemon-lime flavored sugar water and then get a blood draw an hour later to see if I am likely to have gestational diabetes.  At this time they also do an iron test.  The drink was pretty gross, and you can be sure I fretted about how many calories were in it! (There was no nutrition information printed on the bottle.  Freak out!)

The good news is: I don't have gestational diabetes!  Hooray!

The bad news is: I got the rest of my lab results from my ND and they don't look so great.

The OB's office called me within 2 hours of my returning home to inform me that I'm anemic.  No surprise there!  My ferritin (storage) only went from 13 to 20 in 5 months, even with my drastically reduced exercise, prenatal vitamins and increased food intake.  The last time I cut back on exercise was on my honeymoon in October/November of last year, and it went from 7 to 73 in three weeks!  I had a suspicion that my iron might be low based on the very minimal movement from my ferritin.  If Mara is sucking all my nutrients out (as she should), then my body is going to turn to it's reserves to replete.  She took all my iron, so I turned to ferritin.  Hence why it's so low.  At least that's my theory.

Also I have very low protein/albumin, low potassium and a high white blood cell count.  My instructions are:

-Take iron supplement (great, more nausea/constipation.  Just what I needed!)

-Take vit C supplement

-Eat potassium rich foods AND take a potassium supplement

-Double prenatal vitamin dosage

-B12 shots once every two weeks

-Increase food intake (you can be sure I'm not happy about that)

-Greatly increase protein 

To add insult to injury (or to add injury to bad blood counts??) I got the Tdap vaccination yesterday.  Not only can I not lift my arm higher than my shoulder because it hurts, but I am running a low-grade fever, feeling incredibly fatigued and nauseated.  These are all common side effects of getting a Tdap while pregnant.  (Aren't you all so excited to have kids now, if you haven't already?? Lol!)  Thankfully, THOSE issues don't affect the baby and they only last about a day!  Whew!

The very best news out of all of this, though, is that Mara is doing GREAT!  She is growing perfectly, measuring about a week ahead, and kicks like crazy all day long.  Sweet little thing.  I love her so much. :)

The moral of this story is this:  Never again will I defer to the judgement of my OBs in place of my own.  Clearly they don't understand what chronic anorexia can do to someone's body.  I do.  I may not be the very best at "listening to my body" all the time, but I know how my body acts and reacts most of the time.  I'm sure, after this pathetic lab result, they will listen to me in the future and just order the damn CBC and CMP.  It's much easier just to do what I asked.  You don't want to piss off a pregnant mama bear anyway -- it might just be the last thing you do! :P

HAPPY WEEKEND!!!! :) :) :) xoxoxo

Why I Love My ND

Quick little humorous post for you.  

There are many, many reasons why I love my Naturopathic Doctor.  Not the least of which is that she is THE ONLY physician who has never once tried to deceive me in one way or another.  No ulterior motives here!  At least not ones that she doesn't disclose right away!

Anyway, yesterday I was at her office and she was writing up an order for me to go get labs drawn (see yesterday's post for a little more info on that.)  She wanted to CC the results to my obstetrician's office so they wouldn't duplicate any tests unnecessarily when I go in tomorrow for my glucose test.  However, the space provided on the lab order to CC someone in was very tiny, and my OB's office has a really long name.  

So Women's Healthcare Associates became Women's Healthcare Ass.  

"I really ran out of room!" My ND said, looking at me with wide eyes behind her glasses.  Which made me laugh even more, because she's just so adorable.

I forgot to mention in yesterday's post about the medical stuff about my blood pressure.  Every time I'm in my OB's office, they take my blood pressure when I've just been weighed.  Going on the scale is very anxiety-provoking for me, so naturally my blood pressure is higher when they take it, no more than 30 seconds later.  High blood pressure for me is like 110/70 though.  Yesterday, my resting blood pressure was 86/50!  Now THAT sounds more like me! ;)

Home (and doing better)

IT'S SEPTEMBER!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

Just in case my huge, bold, capital letters didn't clue you in, I am ecstatic that it is September now!  Another month gone.  It's not that I'm not happy to live "in the moment."  I'm perfectly content with that idea, but when "the moment" consists of any one of 100 various body parts that ache, stretching skin, fatigue, hunger and just plain not feeling so hot, I'm sure you could understand why it's just fine with me when "the moment" goes by quickly.  :)  Not that pregnancy is ALL bad.  But it certainly isn't for sissies!  I've been saying that this whole time.

We got back from Hawaii on Sunday, August 31.  Since being home, my anxiety has decreased substantially.  Physically I'm feeling some better.  My lower back hurts less, but the rest of me aches more.  That might just have to do with the fact that I'm carrying around a now-three-pound fetus and all her "stuff" (placenta, amniotic fluid, extra bloodflow, etc.) or maybe it has more to do with the fact that I'm having... um... bathroom issues (I should buy barrels of prune juice, and even that might not be enough!).  But mentally... man, I'm a whole new person!  Although, I guess the new person was actually the Me that was in Hawaii, because that was atypical.  At any rate, I haven't been nearly as worried since being home.  Which is nice, because it makes everyone's lives a lot simpler.

This morning I went and saw my Naturopath.  She ordered blood work.  It had been since March that I had a complete metabolic panel (CMP), a phosphorus or a ferritin test, or even a CBC!  Can you believe that my OBs (any of them!) never ordered a CBC on me?  Apparently I need to spell out what it means to have a chronic eating disorder that wreaks havoc on the blood.  Sigh!  Anyway, I got three of the results back (still awaiting the CMP, CBC and iron.)  For anyone who is interested and knows about such things, the results are as follows:

Phosphorus dropped from 3.9 to 3.0. (Range 2.3-4.7)
Ferritin went from 13 to 20 (Range 10-291)
Thyroid hormone is fine, at 2.0 (Range 0.3-something?)

So not too bad.  It would have been nice if the ferritin had come up a little more, but considering I've seen that result at 6 before, I'll take 20 and not complain!  The phosphorus number is still respectable.  That one bottomed out for me at 0.9 in 2007, so... anything above that looks pretty damn good to me, and the normal range is even better! Lol!

On Friday, 9/5, I have another OB appointment.  This one will be interesting because it'll be my one-hour glucose test to check for gestational diabetes.  This can sometimes present with no symptoms, but I think it's pretty unlikely that I have it.  But better to know for sure.  The glucose drink I have is lemon-lime flavor.  Cross your fingers that it's not too disgusting!  Some say it's okay, some say it's vomit-inducing.  We'll just see. 

Mara's kicking at the moment.  Her little feet are popping out to the right of my belly button.  Or maybe that's an elbow... I really have no idea!

Have a fantastic rest of your week! XOXOXO