Nobody But Me

The spirit of this post is dedicated to my blog-friend Ruby.  (Chica, you got me thinking about this topic from your latest post, so I'm going to run with that!)  

Back in the spring I made a video one day for my YouTube channel in which I did something I'd never done on video before: I cried.  Not like full on sobbing, but I was definitely crying.  Not my most attractive video ever, but hey.. it's reality.  (Click HERE to see the video.)

In the video, you'll see I'm sitting on the floor in my closet.  For some reason I had just been trying on jeans.  I know, I know, probably not the smartest thing to do at a little over 2 months pregnant but whatever.  That's what I was doing.  And some of them didn't fit... and it was terrible.  My heart felt like there was a huge crack in it and my blood felt like ice.  I was absolutely terrified.  There aren't words in the English language (or any language, probably!) to describe that feeling to someone who has never experienced it firsthand.  That was April 25th.  I wouldn't go back to those days for anything - not even a million dollars.  Well, maybe a million dollars, but not a cent less. ;)

Not too long after I made that video, maybe a week or two later, I was sitting on my bed doodling in a sketchbook.  As I did so, I cried again.  (Hey, the hormones in the first trimester are no joke! Lol.)  I was just sad.. missing my body, missing Zumba because I wasn't allowed to work out at that time, missing my old life.  Not that I wanted to undo anything -- just because you miss something doesn't mean you want it back.  

But nostalgic though I was at the time, a rogue thought popped into my head: Who else cares about your body?  More specifically I was asking who cared about the changes to my body from pregnancy.  The answer to that was: absolutely nobody at all.  Corky doesn't care.  He loves me just as much as he always has.  My parents don't care.  My sisters probably haven't even noticed.  My friends don't care - they just want me to be happy and healthy.  My YouTube friends don't care.  Neither do my blog friends.  Nobody is judging me based on how my body looks!!! NOBODY!!! Just like I don't judge anyone on how their body looks.  

Wow, that was a liberating thought!  I have all the support a girl could ever dream of.  So what am I so worried about??  It's not like I'm going to be pregnant forever!  Now that would be terrible.

If you're in a similar position (pregnant or not!), remind yourself gently: people don't make friends with the outsides of people.  They make friends with the insides! (The soul.. not the organs.  hmm!)