Crap

Not much to say.  My body image has been crap lately, even though on Saturday I weighed nearly a pound less than I did the last time I weighed myself (end of May.) Oh well.

7 Months

Wow. 7 months.  At this time, 7 months ago, I was laying in a hospital bed, trying to sleep.  I had gotten an epidural a few hours prior and it was still working at this point.  I was trying to sleep but Corky and my dad were watching the Seattle Seahawks football game on TV. Lol.

Miss Mara Soleil is doing great.  She sits up for indefinite periods of time. Either until she gets bored and falls over or reaches too far for something and tips over.  She can roll both front-to-back and back-to-front, although she is better at the former.  She doesn't crawl, but she pulls herself up to standing.  Because of this, we bought her a pair of real shoes yesterday - her first pair!  They're adorable.

She loves to eat!  She likes apples, carrots, mango, peas, beans, peaches, eggs and yogurt, but Mum-Mum crackers are still her favorite! She also loves to nurse.  She still only has 2 teeth but is chewing like crazy again so I wouldn't be surprised if more pop through in the near future.

Mara is a very happy, healthy baby.  She weighs about 22 pounds and is about 28 inches tall (2'4"). ;) She babbles all day and says "Mama" constantly.  She loves music and toys that click.  She also loves purse straps, zipper pulls and tags.  We love her to bits and are sooooo blessed to have her in our lives!

Just had to include this outtake picture!  Jax decided he needed to assist Mara with her owl. Lol!! He loves her and she loves him. 

Father's Day

Technically, Father's Day was yesterday (Sunday, June 21st), but I didn't have a chance to sit still long enough to blog about it until right now.  It's 2:35am. LOL!  First chance I've had.

Because it was Corky's first Father's Day, I told him he could pick whatever he wanted to do and I would celebrate with my dad the day before since Corky works on Saturdays.  My dad decided he wanted to go to the beach for the day, so I packed a bunch of milk for Mara and off we went.  

Originally, my dad had wanted to go for a hike on Saddle Mountain, but ultimately changed his mind because Mara was with us.  I tried to tell him that it was fine, that I can hike with her in the ergo or the baby bjorn but he didn't seem to believe me.  So we went to Cannon Beach and just spent the day there.  As it turned out, there was a sandcastle contest going on at Cannon, so it was unbelievably crowded.  Took forever to find a parking space!

My dad strolled along the beachfront walkway with the stroller and all our stuff and then sunned himself on a bench while my mom and I (and Mara in the ergo) walked down to see the sandcastles.  There were probably 12-15 of them.  They were so cool and huge!  People were milling around all over the place so we only got a few pictures.  

(Nice finger, mom!)

We walked around, had ice cream (!), I nursed Mara, then we packed up and headed to the Seaside, OR outlet mall.  Scored a ton of stuff for Mara from Osh Kosh.  Hit up Nike.  Had a sandwich (I was starving, of course!) and then I drove home.  It was a great day!

Yesterday was actual Father's Day.  We were planning to hit up the zoo with Corky's friend, his wife and their 2 daughters but one of the girls came down with a stomach bug.  Corky's friend was coughing too, so we decided to postpone it.  Instead, we went to Starbucks and then went to check out the new countertops we had installed in the place we are property managers for.  

In the afternoon we went out to Canby, Oregon, to a "Cold-Food-B-Q" or a "Not-BBQ" with Corky's other friend (incidentally, this is the friend who installed aforementioned countertops).  It was at a park and we brought the bulldogs.  In hindsight this may have been a poor decision because Abigail spent the entire time barking at anyone who went by. That in and of itself might not have been too bad but Jax hates when she barks and expresses his displeasure by humping her every time she does it.  Which was pretty often yesterday! Oh well, at least it provided people with something to laugh about!  

I didn't actually take any pictures at the "Cold-Food-B-Q".

Afterwards we came back out to our area.  Corky went off to shoot pool for a few hours by himself while Mara and I went to the store to get stuff to make dinner.  We had pizza (yes, even me!) and salad.  Mara went to bed pretty easily.  We've been doing sleep training (more on that later, I hope) and then we watched Stonehearst Asylum while I pumped.  Another great day. 

Wax

Like so many other things in life, the strength of my eating disorder waxes and wanes.  Right now it seems to be waxing.  

I actually lack energy to write about this right now but I'm going to try anyway.  I apologize if this is choppy or skips around.

I've been incredibly apathetic when it comes to food.  Corky will ask me what I want for dinner and I can't answer him.  "Nothing," is always the word that tries to pop out.  

Honestly I don't enjoy eating except for breakfast.

WHAAAAAT?!?!? 

Did I just say that????

Mara does not like to be in her highchair for long.  Same with the bouncer seat, the exer-saucer and the jumperoo.  She prefers to be held.  She is very curios and wants to hold everything, grab everything, touch everything.  She is always trying to grab things out of my hand or off the table.  So when I have to hold her when I'm eating, inevitably she grabs the food off my plate or off my fork.  When I leave her in the highchair, she yells and whines.  This makes eating an incredible chore.

I know that if I just leave her in the highchair she will be fine. It's not that.  But when she's whining and shouting, it makes me very tense and eating is not pleasant.  It's just too much WORK.  

Last night we went to this new-ish shopping center area to walk around and find dinner somewhere.  There were probably 8-10 restaurants there to choose from.  I panicked for almost all of them.  I couldn't fathom trying to pick something there.  We ended up at a coffee shop, where I had half a sandwich and salad. And coffee of course.

I have to eat to keep my supply up.  Mara depends on me.  But damn if it isn't getting harder and harder all the time! 

Routine

A while ago (meaning a few years ago) I wrote a post also called "Routine."  Maybe I should have named this one "Routine Revisited"... Anyway, the point of this post is to show how my routine has changed drastically since then!  It serves to show the world that even someone as ingrained, as deep into their eating disorder as I was (and I say "was" not because I'm recovered but because I'm less ingrained than before) can make improvements without being on the brink of death or going through intense inpatient treatment or whatever.  In short, there is hope!

Depending on the day and what class I'm teaching, I wake up at either 6:00am, 6:30am or 7:00am.  The night before (more like the middle of the night before), I have set the coffee maker to brew 5 minutes before my alarm goes off, whatever time that is.  Sometimes, and I'm not ashamed to admit it, the only thing that gets me out of bed is knowing there is coffee waiting for me downstairs.  

I get out of bed and "Mombie" my way downstairs.  You know.. jerky steps, bleary eyes, hair either sticking up everywhere or plastered to my head in places (or both. A great look for sure!).  On my way down, I decide what to have for breakfast.  This is the first major difference from my routine years ago: I actually eat breakfast.  Would I if I wasn't nursing? Maybe. Maybe not. But I am, so I do.  This morning I had a Cinnamon Vanilla English muffin with almond butter and honey, a banana and, of course, coffee.

While my English muffin toasts I make my coffee.  One packet of stevia.  Coffee 3/4 of the way to the top.  1/4 cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk. Stir.  Toaster pops, measure out 2 tablespoons of almond butter, spread, drizzle honey on top.  Peel banana, place it on the plate so it looks like a smiley face with English muffin eyes and a banana mouth.  

I check Facebook, email, blogs, in that order (just like before). After I eat, I go to the dishwasher and get the stuff for the breast pump.  I have to pump before I go, especially if I'm teaching Zumba.  Jumping around in a tight sports bra with full boobs is NOT comfortable, let me tell you!  Not to mention wearing tight bras can cause clogged ducts which can lead to mastitis, and that is the last thing I need to deal with again.  

I have to start pumping an hour before I have to leave, which this morning means I'm pumping by 6:30.  I usually have another cup of coffee while I pump.  Play on my phone or write in my journal while the "wa-woosh, wa-woosh" of the pump provides a comforting background sound.  I don't like pumping much... but it's not the worst thing either.  My legs fall asleep from sitting in one position for so long.  But I make lots of milk so I do it.  For one thing, it's good to have a good stash.  Also I'm donating milk to a friend due next month with a baby girl, and she can't produce.  And for another thing, I'm usually pretty uncomfortable until I pump so it feels relieving. 

After I pump I either put the milk in the fridge or into my freezer stash.  Corky and Mara are usually waking up around this time.  I go upstairs, select my clothes (which differ depending on whether I'm teaching Aqua Fit or Zumba), get dressed and brush my teeth.  Pack my Zumba/gym bag and I'm out the door an hour before my class time since my commute is so bad. 

Corky's work schedule starts later than mine so he is either still home with Mara by the time I come home after class (like today) or my mom is here babysitting when I return.  The exception to that is Friday when I don't teach til 10am and corky leaves before me. 

When I wrote the "Routine" post way back whenever, I never ever imagined a morning routine like the one I just wrote.  Breakfast?? Breast pumps?? Childcare?? Is this my life??? But it is!  And I wouldn't trade it for anything - chaos and all. 

Absence

I'm sure it's really only been a few days since I blogged (I didn't look) but it feels like I've been away for a while.  Just busy.  Busy busy busy. Mara isn't sleeping well so therefore neither am I.  Exhausting but no better job in the world.

My hair went a little bit crazy the other day. 

Mara sat up in a shopping cart like a big girl all by her big girl self:

God she's so effing CUTE!!!!!

Talking to grandma

After a rough night of no sleep for me and very little sleep for corky, I deposited Mara in bed with him while I got ready for our garage sale, and when I came back I saw that. Aw!

Painted my toenails for the first time in half a year. 

I went on a rant about this on Instagram the other day. I HATE wearing my nursing cover when I'm in public.  Mara hates it too. She always flings it off.  Why should my innocent, sweet baby have to cover her head while she eats?  We don't eat with napkins or blankets over our faces as adults, so why should babies?  It's not their fault that society has objectified women's bodies to the point that some people can't keep their minds out of the gutters enough to remember that the original purpose of breasts was, in fact, to FEED BABIES, not be sexual playthings for others!  I wear a nursing cover in public only because it's "the norm" but I wish I didn't have to.  Maybe someday I won't have to anymore.  And if someone takes offense to it then they can go hide under a blanket until my baby is done eating!

Toast

6:18am.

Garage sale today.

1 1/2 hours of sleep.

Baby screamed all night.

My head is pounding.

This is like a super long haiku.

I NEED MORE COFFEEEEEE!!!!!!

Whatever Happened To....?

In case any of you guys watched me on YouTube, you probably noticed I have not made a video in a really long time!  I do not plan to be gone forever.  The reason for my hiatus is threefold:

1) my phone, for whatever reason, no longer will upload the videos directly to YouTube.  In order to upload a video I have to first record it, connect my phone physically to my computer, put the video on the computer, then upload it to YouTube and for reasons I've never understood, it takes upwards of TWO HOURS to upload!  Which is insane and leads me to number

2) I honestly don't have the time to make videos and upload them.  I don't feel the need to make excuse but I will anyway.  I have a 6 month old who is exceedingly active, a house to try and maintain, classes to teach and, not to mention, try to take a little time for myself and

3) my body image is so bad I can't imagine trying to find a good angle to take a video from.  Pictures are hard enough! 

To add to #1, my desktop computer isn't even assembled right now. It's packed, and my laptop charger suddenly started zapping and sparking and died about a week ago.  So I couldn't upload a video even if I wanted to! 

Just wanted you guys to know, so you didn't wonder what became of me on there! 

Have a great rest of the week!! 

Seattle Trip in Pictures Part 3

We walked all the way down to the end of Alaskan Way and then went up a block  and started heading back in toward the market.  It reminded me of when Corky and I went to Seattle at New Years 2012-2013 (check the archives for pictures from that trip!) and we stayed in a hotel out that direction.  We would walk to the market or the waterfront using Western Ave, Elliott Ave and Alaskan Way.  I feel like I was so much thinner on that trip, which saddens me, however I didn't have Mara back then which saddens me even more! 

Anyway, we paused at a fruit stand/shop thing in the market and bought a TON of fruit!  The weather was gorgeous and the fruit was so colorful... it was HEAVEN! It looked like candy!  Better than candy! 

We bought lychees, mango, apples, nectarines and pears!  They were sooooo good! 

We walked back uphill to the hotel one last time. We wanted to pop into H&M to buy my mom a shirt but they didn't open for 8 minutes more and Mara was starting to fuss so we just went on.  

Back at the hotel we put the finishing touches on our packing, Mara nursed, and then we played on the floor, the 3 of us, and took pictures.  If you're wondering why she has a bottle, it's because I wanted her to get nice and full before the car ride home so hopefully she would sleep. And here are the pictures:

Mara sure loves her grandma! 

One of my favorite pics

Grandmas are the very best snugglers! 

This beautiful (and rare) view of Mt. Rainier guided us out of Seattle.  

Mara fell asleep around Tukwila (15 min south of Seattle) after a major blowout (changed at a gas station) and slept ALL the way home!  After the blowout, my mom and I switched and I drove home.  My mom fell asleep around Federal Way (about 45 min south of Seattle) and slept all the way til Kelso (about 50-60 min north of Portland) LOL!  I entertained myself by listening to my Zumba music on shuffle and playing the alphabet game 7 times through by myself. 

It was truly a great trip. I can't wait to go back! 

Seattle Trip in Pictures Part 2

After the Seattle Great Wheel, we got some food and headed back up to the hotel.  I was in dire need of the breast pump and Mara needed a nap. As it turned out, she napped on the way back in the stroller which was fortunate since we didn't have much time before we had to turn around and head back down for the Harbor Cruise.

I don't have many pictures from the Harbor Cruise.  It was very hot on the boat and very crowded. Toward the end of the hour tour I was nursing Mara and she fell asleep.  We waited for everyone to disembark before we did.  The only picture I got was of these 2 giant cruise ships docked in Seattle.

After the cruise, we walked back through Pike Place Market.  We happened across an Asian bakery.  I spied a pack of mini red-bean-paste mooncakes. Ever since reading the book The Moon Lady as a kid, I had wanted a mooncake.  Now it's our tradition to find a mooncake whenever we're on vacation.  Yum! 

We went back to the hotel and just hung around for a while.  Mara played on the bed while my mom and I figured out what to do about dinner.  My mom's feet were very entertaining in Mara's opinion!

We ended up at an Indian restaurant for dinner.  It was my first time eating Indian food and I actually liked it! 

Mara kept herself occupied chewing on the wipes. Lol! 

The next morning we got up, had breakfast and asked for an extended checkout time just in case.  We didn't end up needing it but better safe than sorry.  We were planning originally to walk down to the waterfront and hit up the Seattle Aquarium but when we got down there the weather was so nice that we just decided to walk along the waterfront instead. These photos are from that walk. 

My mom and sleeping Mara, posing in front of the harbor.

Another big cruise ship! 

I could NOT get over the sheer enormity of this boat! That's me posing in front of it!

Mara, on the other hand, was not impressed. Lol.

To be continued in part 3....

Seattle Trip in Pictures Part 1

Mara's first trip to Seattle went pretty well.  The first day (Friday) didn't go as planned AT ALL, because we got started about two hours late and the traffic was awful.  We didn't get into Seattle until about 10:00pm that night.  Mara had a really rough trip up.  She cried for about 2 of the 3 hours.  Actually 2 of the 4 hours because it took us 2 hours to get out of Oregon!  Anyway, despite several stops she was miserable.

Mara's little feet sticking out.

My mom after we left Centralia, WA.  We went to the Centralia Outlet stores to break up the trip.  I got Mara 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of shorts and 3 pairs of pajamas for $29 from The Children's Place outlet!!  And the lady even saved me the tax when she saw my OR drivers license.  Awesome!

The traditional I-5 selfie.

We got in at about 10, got settled and put Mara to bed (a feat in itself because the crib was very low to the ground with high sides and it was tough to get her in without waking her up.  In fact, my mom had to do it that first night!)

We had a single suite, so my mom slept in the bedroom and Mara and I slept in the living room, me on a pull-out bed.  It was actually pretty comfortable and perhaps a touch nostalgic for me because I used to sleep on a pull-out bed when I was like 9-10 years old.  I had a regular bed but I preferred that one.  Probably because it was queen sized lol.  

Anyway, the next morning we went down to breakfast and got a seat right by the window.  I was SEVERELY uncaffeinated, having been up since like 6:30am and I'm pretty used to having coffee almost right away!  This was the view during breakfast:

 For breakfast I had toast, hard boiled egg, fruit and coffee.  My mom had oatmeal and fruit.  Mara, who had nursed upstairs, had mum-mum and egg. 

"Where's my food??" (Yes she's actually pounding the table)

"Umm, Mommy are you sure this is edible?"

After breakfast we loaded up and went to Pike Place Market.  I borrowed a friend's ergobaby carrier to try out.  I am SO going to get one!! Mara loved it (she fell asleep several times in it throughout the weekend) and it was super comfy.

Posing with a fisherman carving.

The cool thing about this picture is actually what happened right before it was taken.  I was sitting on a bench across the hall from this fisherman, nursing Mara under the nursing cover, and this group of ladies came by to take pictures of each other with the fisherman.  They were speaking Spanish and one of them said to the others something like, "it's so nice that she's breastfeeding right here" in Spanish. I smiled up at her and she said, in English, "beautiful, beautiful!" I thanked her and she asked me, in Spanish, "a girl?"  I nodded. "Beautiful," she said again. It was sweet. 

We made our way through the top floor of the market, stopping to buy a T-Shirt for Mara that says "I got my looks from my daddy and my attitude from my mommy" (LOL!) and wandered down to the waterfront.  It was a beautiful day.  Clear, sunny and about 75F!  We decided to buy tickets for an Argosy harbor cruise at 3pm.  In the meantime, it was only like 10:45-11:00am, so we headed for the Seattle Great Wheel!

Mara, who had gotten tired of the ergo, waiting for the Great Wheel!

My silly kid!! I love her to bits!

To be continued in part 2.....