Saturday, June 20, 2015

Wax

Like so many other things in life, the strength of my eating disorder waxes and wanes.  Right now it seems to be waxing.  

I actually lack energy to write about this right now but I'm going to try anyway.  I apologize if this is choppy or skips around.

I've been incredibly apathetic when it comes to food.  Corky will ask me what I want for dinner and I can't answer him.  "Nothing," is always the word that tries to pop out.  

Honestly I don't enjoy eating except for breakfast.

WHAAAAAT?!?!? 

Did I just say that????

Mara does not like to be in her highchair for long.  Same with the bouncer seat, the exer-saucer and the jumperoo.  She prefers to be held.  She is very curios and wants to hold everything, grab everything, touch everything.  She is always trying to grab things out of my hand or off the table.  So when I have to hold her when I'm eating, inevitably she grabs the food off my plate or off my fork.  When I leave her in the highchair, she yells and whines.  This makes eating an incredible chore.

I know that if I just leave her in the highchair she will be fine. It's not that.  But when she's whining and shouting, it makes me very tense and eating is not pleasant.  It's just too much WORK.  

Last night we went to this new-ish shopping center area to walk around and find dinner somewhere.  There were probably 8-10 restaurants there to choose from.  I panicked for almost all of them.  I couldn't fathom trying to pick something there.  We ended up at a coffee shop, where I had half a sandwich and salad. And coffee of course.

I have to eat to keep my supply up.  Mara depends on me.  But damn if it isn't getting harder and harder all the time! 

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