Been Good

I think the #1 thing I struggle with in terms of my eating disorder is ambivalence.

Do I want to recover?

Do I want to stay sick?

The answer is: yes.  To both.  That's ambivalence for you.

But today I realized that, in terms of the "yes I want recovery" part of that, having a baby has been the very best thing for me.  Not only did finding out I was pregnant snap me instantly out of my bad habits, but having a child has caused me to make more permanent lifestyle changes in order to avoid accidentally passing on my bad habits to her.

Is that recovery?  No, not in and of itself.  But it's part of recovery.  I'm not sure I really like that.  Actually, I'm not sure how I feel about it!

But take exercise for example... before I had Mara, I didn't really have to answer to anyone during the day.  I could pretty much come and go as I pleased.  Obviously I had commitments like work and school and appointments and stuff, but during Corky's working hours there wasn't anyone at home keeping me there.

Now here is this little person, 1/4 of my size, and she has complete control over my down-time.  If she decides I don't get any "me time," then I don't get any "me time."  If she's hungry, I feed her.  If she's lonely, I cuddle her.  If she's scared, I comfort her.  If she's happy, I play with her.  If she's bored, we go to Gymboree.  She's my little buddy and we do everything together.  She "talks" to me.  I have no idea what she's saying, but I answer her!  I'm sure our conversations are about completely different topics but we enjoy each other's company (most of the time.)

If she doesn't allow me to have time to work out (aside from my job), then I don't.  And, for the most part, I'm okay with that.  Pretty crazy.

Am I recovered?  No.
Am I recoverING?  Maybe.
Do I want to recover?  Yes and no.

I'm totally ambivalent.  I don't know how to live without this problem.  But I'm going to have to figure it out!