Haunted: January 2018

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Mom Guilt

Second post tonight but I need to get this out.

I feel guilty. I'm not as patient with Mara as I should be. I love her more than I can express with words but I'm just not patient with her. I'm harder on her than I should be. I do catch myself most of the time but not ALL the time and I feel as though I should. As though I should be perfect. I know there is no such thing.

I feel like the worst mom though because she's started saying, "Sorry!" a lot for things. Some of which she shouldn't be sorry for. I feel like this is my fault - like I'm too rigid.

How can I extend my patience?? It's not like I had it in spades to start with. I'm terrified that God or the universe or who/whatever will think I'm not worthy of her and take her away from me. I hate thinking that way. I want to do right by her. She knows I love her, I tell her all the time, but what if she forgets? What if she thinks all I do is snap at her? It's not, but what if she thinks that?

What if I ruin her? She's so amazing. What if I screw it all up?

A Big Change (and picture dump)

Well! Here we are in 2018. How in the world did that happen? It's crazy to think about all the things that have changed since I started this blog back in 2012. I've thought about deleting the whole thing and starting over so many times since I'm so unbelievably far from where I was when I started. But then I think to myself, isn't that kind of the point? To show just how far I've come?

And so I blog on.

Baby Orion is now almost 2 months old. By the time Mara was this age, I'd written a bunch of blog posts. But the transition from one child to two is by far harder than the transition from no children to one.

At times Mara's behavior is, in a word, horrendous. She tests boundaries and patience alike as if it was her profession. I cannot tell you the number of times I've said, "Mara, please do ____ (insert request here)" only to have her flat out refuse to do it, or "Mara, please don't do _____" only to have her look me square in the eye and do it anyway then giggle maniacally about it. It drives me CRAZY.

Orion had kind of a rough go of it at first. Within his first 5 weeks of life he had experienced:

a fast birth which led to amniotic fluid in his tummy and stomachaches
reflux
an infected hangnail on his thumb (and a course of antibiotics)
a circumcision
gas pain
RSV

Poor boy!! No wonder he was so fussy. To make matters worse, I developed a skin infection which had me on antibiotics too, so he was getting it both from his own dose and through my breastmilk. Glad to report he's doing much better now.

He is SUPER cute. He's started cooing and smiling recently which is absolutely the most adorable thing ever. He looooooves his mommy and is a total boobie baby. Wants absolutely nothing to do with a bottle. He is so funny, he doesn't even necessarily have to be nursing on the boob. He's happy just to cuddle with it and coo at it. Cracks me up! I love my little lion.

My life in photos from the past month and a half... enjoy.