Second post tonight but I need to get this out.
I feel guilty. I'm not as patient with Mara as I should be. I love her more than I can express with words but I'm just not patient with her. I'm harder on her than I should be. I do catch myself most of the time but not ALL the time and I feel as though I should. As though I should be perfect. I know there is no such thing.
I feel like the worst mom though because she's started saying, "Sorry!" a lot for things. Some of which she shouldn't be sorry for. I feel like this is my fault - like I'm too rigid.
How can I extend my patience?? It's not like I had it in spades to start with. I'm terrified that God or the universe or who/whatever will think I'm not worthy of her and take her away from me. I hate thinking that way. I want to do right by her. She knows I love her, I tell her all the time, but what if she forgets? What if she thinks all I do is snap at her? It's not, but what if she thinks that?
What if I ruin her? She's so amazing. What if I screw it all up?
You are a great mom. Life changes for everyone when a new baby comes home. Mara is just trying to figure out how to share you and adjust to her family growing. My son is grown and now that he has kids he tells me that he always knew I loved him even when I had to be strict. I was like you thinking I was going to be punished for getting on to him so much. It does get easier. I do believe in God and know that he is there to help you get through this.
ReplyDeleteI have never been a mother, so I cannot imagine the stress it brings but please take solace in the fact that she knows you love her. She will never forget that. Raising two little ones is tough, and every mom has periods where she feels like she isn't doing something right. My household was a war-zone growing up, but never once did I question her absolute love for me. I'm sure your little one will be the same way. You and her will get past this and things will seem a little brighter soon. I hope you and your family are doing well.
ReplyDelete-Lee
Sometimes I feel the same. Kids are hard. And we are just people.
ReplyDelete