BEDA (Day 4) - Can't Stand It

***Trigger Warning***

It's 3:39am so technically this is BEDA day 4.  I'm sitting on the couch, pumping.  And honestly I just want to crawl in a hole.  I am feeling like I'm at my wits end right this moment.  

I do not know how to explain, to someone who has never experienced it, what it's like to have an eating disorder and "feel fat."  Like I've said before, anyone who says "fat is not a feeling" is wrong in my opinion.  I want to crawl out of my skin! I hate it!  I HATE IT!!! I hate feeling so flabby and soft and just big everywhere!  I can't stand it!!! I want to cut it all off. I never want to eat again! 

I can't live this way. I just can't.  Everything annoys me when I feel this bad about myself and I'm really hard to be around.  But I have to keep eating because of nursing.  Why does it have to be so FUCKING HARD???? I feel like I've been fighting it for so fucking long.  Over a year ago I found out I was pregnant. So it's been more than a year that I've had to actively fight my damn eating disorder urges and they're just as bad as they've always been - I've just somehow managed to keep them at bay this long.  But I don't think I can for much longer. I can't go on feeling this way.  I can't. I can't. You don't understand. I can't.  I want to disappear!  No one understands. 

BEDA (Day 3) - Kisses

While out at a coffee shop after Zumba this morning with my mom and my sister, Mara put her little arms around my neck and started trying to give me kisses!  My sister started snapping pictures. Probably the sweetest thing that's ever happened to me. Love my little girl!! 

BEDA (Day 2) - TBT

A friend of mine on YouTube participates in "VEDA" or "Vlog Every Day in April".  I'm not sure where or how this started, or who else participates in it, but since my phone suddenly refuses to upload videos to YouTube and I don't have the energy to deal with my prehistoric computer's stupidity, I'll change it to "BEDA - Blog Every Day in April."

Since yesterday was April 1st and I did actually post, today is technically Day 2 of BEDA even though I didn't know I was doing it until today. Lol.

Like VEDA, this'll just be anything.  Even a one or two line post.  Maybe a picture.  Maybe not.  Maybe eating disorder related (okay, likely eating disorder related), maybe fitness related, maybe baby related.  Who knows! We'll just see what happens.

So today, for BEDA, I'm going to a Throwback Thursday.

This picture was taken in 2008.  Around October, I believe.  Taken in the Rose Garden in Portland, Oregon.  And yes, that fog was really there.

109

Dear Grandpa,

Today you would have turned 109.  Even though you left us when I was only 6 months old, I still miss you.  I know you weren't super comfortable holding babies but I know you loved me, so it doesn't matter. I'm sorry I cried when you tried to hold me!  I didn't know any better. 

Now that I'm almost 28 and have a daughter of my own, I understand the importance ofgrandparents.  My dad must've been so sad when you passed away because that meant you wouldn't know his children (however many he ended up having. He was right - you never met my sister.) I'm so glad that my parents are around and live close by, and Corky's family too, so that Mara can know her grandparents and aunt and uncle.  I hope she'll know you too, in some way. I think she already does. 

When I was a baby, you called me blischedekeh agen (shining eyes). I wonder what nickname you would call Mara?  Grandma called me Ketzaleh (little cat) and my dad called Mara Maraleh the other day, which reminded him of "merreleh" (little carrot) so maybe that will be it. 

We might be going to Israel sometime, perhaps later this year or early next.  Ruth and Lova called and talked to my dad, so we might plan a big family trip.  I'll be sure to try and visit uncle Shmuel's grave and put a pebble there. I'll put an extra one for you. 

I miss you Grandpa.  Would you mind very much paying me a visit soon?  I haven't see you in a while. Pop in and say hello to Merreleh too. I'm sure she'll give you a big, toothless grin.  I'm sure she loves you, too.

Love, 

Me 

Adventures in Eating

As I sit here struggling mightily with my eating disorder, I'm simultaneously trying to introduce my 4 month old daughter to the wonderment and joy of solid food.  Oh, the irony. 

Today we explored green beans.  Mara wasn't sure at first but after a few tries she decided they were okay!  Here is the photographic evidence. 

"I don't know Mommy... It looks suspiciously like what you find in my diaper sometimes... Are you sure this is edible?" 

"Hmmm....." 

"I'm a little sleepy. Can we take a break?" 

"You do realize this is a BOY bib, right?" 

"This thing makes no sense..."

"Okay I'm all done now Mommy, thank you!" 

Still

So I'm still struggling with the whole breastfeeding = hungry thing.  My goal is to breastfeed/pump for 6 months.  Maybe longer. But 6 months is a good start.  Frankly, I'm having a hard time believing I even made it to FOUR months after the horrendous start I had with it!  But here we are.  

Anyway, the eating thing is just so hard.  I know that this probably sounds incredibly ridiculous to anyone who doesn't have an eating disorder but I'm hoping that you'll keep an open mind about this and try to understand as best you can.  

For over a decade, eating, hunger and weight gain have, together, created the trifecta of terror for me.  With pregnancy I had to face all three of those things. It was incredibly scary!  Now, I have lost all the pregnancy weight (and actually a bit more) but I have to eat all the time because I'm HUNGRY all the time and I perceive that I'm still gaining weight because that's how my brain works.  I feel really trapped because I know I have to eat to produce enough milk for Mara (especially now since my left-side supply took a major hit from the mastitis fiasco of the 2nd week of March) and all I want to do is restrict and lose weight! 

But here is perhaps the hardest part of all: I can't even do that after I nurse because I have a daughter now and I will be damned if I'll let her see me starve myself.  So what does that mean? Does it mean I no longer have an eating disorder?? No.. I wish it were that simple.  It means I now have a forbidden eating disorder.  And you know what happens when you say "no you can't do that" to an eating disorder? It says "Make me!" In a sing-song voice. 

But I'll persevere because I always do. Here is my reason: 

On the plus side, we're almost to April! Warmer weather will come eventually lol. 

Pictures

Most of Mara. Lol.

Stinkbug and Mommy selfie in the bathroom 

This picture made me laugh so hard!! I feel bad because obviously she was furious. But it's just so funny!! She's so damn cute!

Mara getting her feet.

Cutest little moccasins EVER!!! A gift from my awesome friend (who reads this blog. Hi!!!) 

Poor little miss had a small reaction to one of her vaccines on Thursday :( Love her little chunk thigh! 

Jaxxie looks like a blobfish 

Oh I love her!!