Anyway, the eating thing is just so hard. I know that this probably sounds incredibly ridiculous to anyone who doesn't have an eating disorder but I'm hoping that you'll keep an open mind about this and try to understand as best you can.
For over a decade, eating, hunger and weight gain have, together, created the trifecta of terror for me. With pregnancy I had to face all three of those things. It was incredibly scary! Now, I have lost all the pregnancy weight (and actually a bit more) but I have to eat all the time because I'm HUNGRY all the time and I perceive that I'm still gaining weight because that's how my brain works. I feel really trapped because I know I have to eat to produce enough milk for Mara (especially now since my left-side supply took a major hit from the mastitis fiasco of the 2nd week of March) and all I want to do is restrict and lose weight!
But here is perhaps the hardest part of all: I can't even do that after I nurse because I have a daughter now and I will be damned if I'll let her see me starve myself. So what does that mean? Does it mean I no longer have an eating disorder?? No.. I wish it were that simple. It means I now have a forbidden eating disorder. And you know what happens when you say "no you can't do that" to an eating disorder? It says "Make me!" In a sing-song voice.
But I'll persevere because I always do. Here is my reason: 
On the plus side, we're almost to April! Warmer weather will come eventually lol.
I could have written this myself. I absolutely hate having to eat so much. I hate that the scale is so jumpy. But like you, I won't let my precious daughter see me starve or purge. It's a vicious cycle. Email me sometime.
ReplyDeleteHey Kate, I just wanted you to know that I admire you so much. I know how hard you must be struggling. I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with a baby girl as well. I am terrified of passing on my eating disorder habits to her. At the same time, all I can think of lately is "Once I have this baby, I can restrict again!" I know that it's not really true because I do plan on nursing as well. I hope I don't give up and throw in the towel for my own selfish reasons. I am so proud of you for sticking it out this long. Especially through the mastitis! You are such an amazing woman and mother <3
ReplyDeleteHey Kate, I just wanted you to know that I admire you so much. I know how hard you must be struggling. I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with a baby girl as well. I am terrified of passing on my eating disorder habits to her. At the same time, all I can think of lately is "Once I have this baby, I can restrict again!" I know that it's not really true because I do plan on nursing as well. I hope I don't give up and throw in the towel for my own selfish reasons. I am so proud of you for sticking it out this long. Especially through the mastitis! You are such an amazing woman and mother <3
ReplyDeleteThank you! Trust me I know how you are feeling. I remember! If I can do it, you can do it!! It will be okay, I promise!
DeleteYou know, I think god or fate or whoever gives some of us baby girls because he/it knows we need a kick in the butt re: Ed. Not that one should restrict in front of their son either but... a girl is different.
But let me tell you what else is notable about a baby girl: she'll be your best friend and you'll understand her like nobody else can. you won't regret pushing your ed aside. Pinky promise :)