Because.

On Monday I was texting a friend of mine.  She has been having some trouble lately.  She'll remain nameless, as always, in this post but suffice it to say she's one of my ED Soldier friends. I'll call her Allison.  Anyway, she was texting me because (in a nutshell) she recently found out her weight and is horrified.

Let me back up just a bit to tell you about a previous conversation I had with her.  I can't remember when it was that we had this conversation, but it was sometime in the last year and a half or so.  Anyway, I was telling her about how when you're in a relationship with someone and you have an eating disorder, you have to make sacrifices.  Like eating dinner.  I was telling her how I always eat dinner with Corky, even if I feel like I've been a total pig (which, to be frank, is more often than not).  The reason for this is very simple: it's important to him.  And I'd rather eat dinner with him than not be with him.  And I'd rather look exactly like I look right now, even though I may not be 100% happy with it, than be alone.

A month or two ago, Allison moved in with her boyfriend.  We'll call him John.  

Two weeks ago, Allison and I were in the car and were talking about stuff.  She said, "Remember when you told me about how you eat dinner with Corky even though you don't want to?"  

"Yeah."

"I get that now," she said.  "It's hard, but I finally understand."

Fast forward to this past Monday.  Allison was texting me, feeling really bad about herself.  She was in a dark place.  I was sitting in a coffee shop by myself, having "Just Mama" time while Corky was home with Mara, staring out at the pouring rain and thinking about Allison.  I remember the feeling.  After "the evil treatment place" put 40 lb on me in 12 weeks time back in 2007, I felt just exactly the way Allison feels.

How do I ride it out? she asked me, via text.

I stared into the rain.  The answer came to me.

Because, I texted back.  You love John more than you hate yourself.

There it is.  That's how she'll do it.  That's how we all do things that are unpleasant or awful.  Because someone or something is more important than the amount we dislike whatever it is.  For some reason, it's worth it.