BEDA (Day 7) - Picture Parade

Some pics. 

Mara getting her feet :) 

Practicing her selfies ;) lol

Lol!! 

64oz of liquid gold saved up! 

Dutch Bros, April 4th.

The disaster part, absolutely! Not sure about the rest! 

My biggie girl

My hair is growing!! 

Sweet Jax, 4/6/15

BEDA (Day 6) - Not Again!

Last night I felt the familiar tingling of pain in my boob again.... mastitis!  The pain progressed as the evening went on and by the time I was headed home from my parents' house after the Passover Seder I knew I was in trouble again.  This time it's the other side!  This is really bad news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My supply on the left side took a major hit from the last bout of mastitis in mid-March, and still hasn't fully recovered.  I've got a ravenous kid who eats often and I cannot afford to have another dip in supply!  So I've got to be really diligent about pumping and taking extra fenugreek (yay for my armpits smelling like maple syrup!)

To be honest, this whole breastfeeding thing has just been one problem after another.  But I love nursing Mara.  The bonding experience is one of my favorite things about being a mom.  Seeing her settle right down as soon as she latches on is the best feeling!  Plus her little face is just so cute when she nurses.  Oftentimes she falls asleep while nursing and I love that it makes her feel so comfortable and content that she can just drift off.... The other day she bumped her head on my collarbone and started crying.  I was rubbing the spot on her head that she hit, and she started tugging at my shirt, asking to nurse.  It was the sweetest thing!

If I continue having problems with mastitis, I'm afraid I'll have to stop nursing.  That would be bad for 2 reasons.  1) I actually love nursing even though it's been a total pain (literally) since the start and 2) while I'm not anti-formula, breastmilk is what's best for Mara because my body literally made it tailored to her needs.  Formula is fine, but breastmilk is ideal.  And formula makes her gassy :(

However, if I did stop nursing there would be a few pros too.  1) Don't have to worry about needing to pump or nurse every few hours to avoid engorgement/pain. 2) Much more convenient to just put formula in a bottle than it is to have to heat up frozen breastmilk and, perhaps most important to my ED, 3) I don't have to eat to keep my supply up!  Ugh!  Why does it have to be so tempting to my freaking ED?  Of course I would never stop just for those reasons.  If I stop early there has to be a damn good reason for it.  6 months is my current goal.  Almost to 4 and a half, so I've done pretty well!

BEDA - Blogger fail! (Day 5)

I tried several times to post this yesterday (Sunday) from my phone but the blogger app wasn't working!  And the day was very busy so by the time I got home I didn't have time/energy to post it using the computer!

But since it's now 2:40am and I'm awake pumping (as usual), I have time.  So I'll copy and paste here what I wrote yesterday:

Easter/Passover

Sometimes the Jewish holidays and the Christian holidays overlap.  This past year, Christmas fell during Hanukkah.  Now, Easter falls during Passover.  Weird.  Passover started at sundown on Friday.

This morning we went to Corky's mom's house for Easter, mainly so that she could give Mara her Easter basket.  We had food and coffee too.  Then this evening we went to my parents' house for a Seder!  Which isn't too scary because it's pretty much just like a normal meal except you have matzah and haroset with it, but it's not like a humongous thing like Thanksgiving is!  And the food we had for Easter breakfast was pretty small too so it wasn't a terrifying day.

Mara behaved herself pretty well at both places.  By the time Corky took her home to put her to bed it was past her bedtime and she was getting cranky.  But she went to sleep fine and is still sleeping now, sweet little thing!

So that's what I wrote yesterday.  Kind of a random little post, but there it is.

BEDA (Day 4) - Can't Stand It

***Trigger Warning***

It's 3:39am so technically this is BEDA day 4.  I'm sitting on the couch, pumping.  And honestly I just want to crawl in a hole.  I am feeling like I'm at my wits end right this moment.  

I do not know how to explain, to someone who has never experienced it, what it's like to have an eating disorder and "feel fat."  Like I've said before, anyone who says "fat is not a feeling" is wrong in my opinion.  I want to crawl out of my skin! I hate it!  I HATE IT!!! I hate feeling so flabby and soft and just big everywhere!  I can't stand it!!! I want to cut it all off. I never want to eat again! 

I can't live this way. I just can't.  Everything annoys me when I feel this bad about myself and I'm really hard to be around.  But I have to keep eating because of nursing.  Why does it have to be so FUCKING HARD???? I feel like I've been fighting it for so fucking long.  Over a year ago I found out I was pregnant. So it's been more than a year that I've had to actively fight my damn eating disorder urges and they're just as bad as they've always been - I've just somehow managed to keep them at bay this long.  But I don't think I can for much longer. I can't go on feeling this way.  I can't. I can't. You don't understand. I can't.  I want to disappear!  No one understands. 

BEDA (Day 3) - Kisses

While out at a coffee shop after Zumba this morning with my mom and my sister, Mara put her little arms around my neck and started trying to give me kisses!  My sister started snapping pictures. Probably the sweetest thing that's ever happened to me. Love my little girl!! 

BEDA (Day 2) - TBT

A friend of mine on YouTube participates in "VEDA" or "Vlog Every Day in April".  I'm not sure where or how this started, or who else participates in it, but since my phone suddenly refuses to upload videos to YouTube and I don't have the energy to deal with my prehistoric computer's stupidity, I'll change it to "BEDA - Blog Every Day in April."

Since yesterday was April 1st and I did actually post, today is technically Day 2 of BEDA even though I didn't know I was doing it until today. Lol.

Like VEDA, this'll just be anything.  Even a one or two line post.  Maybe a picture.  Maybe not.  Maybe eating disorder related (okay, likely eating disorder related), maybe fitness related, maybe baby related.  Who knows! We'll just see what happens.

So today, for BEDA, I'm going to a Throwback Thursday.

This picture was taken in 2008.  Around October, I believe.  Taken in the Rose Garden in Portland, Oregon.  And yes, that fog was really there.

109

Dear Grandpa,

Today you would have turned 109.  Even though you left us when I was only 6 months old, I still miss you.  I know you weren't super comfortable holding babies but I know you loved me, so it doesn't matter. I'm sorry I cried when you tried to hold me!  I didn't know any better. 

Now that I'm almost 28 and have a daughter of my own, I understand the importance ofgrandparents.  My dad must've been so sad when you passed away because that meant you wouldn't know his children (however many he ended up having. He was right - you never met my sister.) I'm so glad that my parents are around and live close by, and Corky's family too, so that Mara can know her grandparents and aunt and uncle.  I hope she'll know you too, in some way. I think she already does. 

When I was a baby, you called me blischedekeh agen (shining eyes). I wonder what nickname you would call Mara?  Grandma called me Ketzaleh (little cat) and my dad called Mara Maraleh the other day, which reminded him of "merreleh" (little carrot) so maybe that will be it. 

We might be going to Israel sometime, perhaps later this year or early next.  Ruth and Lova called and talked to my dad, so we might plan a big family trip.  I'll be sure to try and visit uncle Shmuel's grave and put a pebble there. I'll put an extra one for you. 

I miss you Grandpa.  Would you mind very much paying me a visit soon?  I haven't see you in a while. Pop in and say hello to Merreleh too. I'm sure she'll give you a big, toothless grin.  I'm sure she loves you, too.

Love, 

Me