Saturday, June 20, 2015

Wax

Like so many other things in life, the strength of my eating disorder waxes and wanes.  Right now it seems to be waxing.  

I actually lack energy to write about this right now but I'm going to try anyway.  I apologize if this is choppy or skips around.

I've been incredibly apathetic when it comes to food.  Corky will ask me what I want for dinner and I can't answer him.  "Nothing," is always the word that tries to pop out.  

Honestly I don't enjoy eating except for breakfast.

WHAAAAAT?!?!? 

Did I just say that????

Mara does not like to be in her highchair for long.  Same with the bouncer seat, the exer-saucer and the jumperoo.  She prefers to be held.  She is very curios and wants to hold everything, grab everything, touch everything.  She is always trying to grab things out of my hand or off the table.  So when I have to hold her when I'm eating, inevitably she grabs the food off my plate or off my fork.  When I leave her in the highchair, she yells and whines.  This makes eating an incredible chore.

I know that if I just leave her in the highchair she will be fine. It's not that.  But when she's whining and shouting, it makes me very tense and eating is not pleasant.  It's just too much WORK.  

Last night we went to this new-ish shopping center area to walk around and find dinner somewhere.  There were probably 8-10 restaurants there to choose from.  I panicked for almost all of them.  I couldn't fathom trying to pick something there.  We ended up at a coffee shop, where I had half a sandwich and salad. And coffee of course.

I have to eat to keep my supply up.  Mara depends on me.  But damn if it isn't getting harder and harder all the time! 

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Routine

A while ago (meaning a few years ago) I wrote a post also called "Routine."  Maybe I should have named this one "Routine Revisited"... Anyway, the point of this post is to show how my routine has changed drastically since then!  It serves to show the world that even someone as ingrained, as deep into their eating disorder as I was (and I say "was" not because I'm recovered but because I'm less ingrained than before) can make improvements without being on the brink of death or going through intense inpatient treatment or whatever.  In short, there is hope!

Depending on the day and what class I'm teaching, I wake up at either 6:00am, 6:30am or 7:00am.  The night before (more like the middle of the night before), I have set the coffee maker to brew 5 minutes before my alarm goes off, whatever time that is.  Sometimes, and I'm not ashamed to admit it, the only thing that gets me out of bed is knowing there is coffee waiting for me downstairs.  

I get out of bed and "Mombie" my way downstairs.  You know.. jerky steps, bleary eyes, hair either sticking up everywhere or plastered to my head in places (or both. A great look for sure!).  On my way down, I decide what to have for breakfast.  This is the first major difference from my routine years ago: I actually eat breakfast.  Would I if I wasn't nursing? Maybe. Maybe not. But I am, so I do.  This morning I had a Cinnamon Vanilla English muffin with almond butter and honey, a banana and, of course, coffee.

While my English muffin toasts I make my coffee.  One packet of stevia.  Coffee 3/4 of the way to the top.  1/4 cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk. Stir.  Toaster pops, measure out 2 tablespoons of almond butter, spread, drizzle honey on top.  Peel banana, place it on the plate so it looks like a smiley face with English muffin eyes and a banana mouth.  

I check Facebook, email, blogs, in that order (just like before). After I eat, I go to the dishwasher and get the stuff for the breast pump.  I have to pump before I go, especially if I'm teaching Zumba.  Jumping around in a tight sports bra with full boobs is NOT comfortable, let me tell you!  Not to mention wearing tight bras can cause clogged ducts which can lead to mastitis, and that is the last thing I need to deal with again.  

I have to start pumping an hour before I have to leave, which this morning means I'm pumping by 6:30.  I usually have another cup of coffee while I pump.  Play on my phone or write in my journal while the "wa-woosh, wa-woosh" of the pump provides a comforting background sound.  I don't like pumping much... but it's not the worst thing either.  My legs fall asleep from sitting in one position for so long.  But I make lots of milk so I do it.  For one thing, it's good to have a good stash.  Also I'm donating milk to a friend due next month with a baby girl, and she can't produce.  And for another thing, I'm usually pretty uncomfortable until I pump so it feels relieving. 

After I pump I either put the milk in the fridge or into my freezer stash.  Corky and Mara are usually waking up around this time.  I go upstairs, select my clothes (which differ depending on whether I'm teaching Aqua Fit or Zumba), get dressed and brush my teeth.  Pack my Zumba/gym bag and I'm out the door an hour before my class time since my commute is so bad. 

Corky's work schedule starts later than mine so he is either still home with Mara by the time I come home after class (like today) or my mom is here babysitting when I return.  The exception to that is Friday when I don't teach til 10am and corky leaves before me. 

When I wrote the "Routine" post way back whenever, I never ever imagined a morning routine like the one I just wrote.  Breakfast?? Breast pumps?? Childcare?? Is this my life??? But it is!  And I wouldn't trade it for anything - chaos and all. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Absence

I'm sure it's really only been a few days since I blogged (I didn't look) but it feels like I've been away for a while.  Just busy.  Busy busy busy. Mara isn't sleeping well so therefore neither am I.  Exhausting but no better job in the world.

My hair went a little bit crazy the other day. 

Mara sat up in a shopping cart like a big girl all by her big girl self:
God she's so effing CUTE!!!!!

Talking to grandma

After a rough night of no sleep for me and very little sleep for corky, I deposited Mara in bed with him while I got ready for our garage sale, and when I came back I saw that. Aw!

Painted my toenails for the first time in half a year. 

I went on a rant about this on Instagram the other day. I HATE wearing my nursing cover when I'm in public.  Mara hates it too. She always flings it off.  Why should my innocent, sweet baby have to cover her head while she eats?  We don't eat with napkins or blankets over our faces as adults, so why should babies?  It's not their fault that society has objectified women's bodies to the point that some people can't keep their minds out of the gutters enough to remember that the original purpose of breasts was, in fact, to FEED BABIES, not be sexual playthings for others!  I wear a nursing cover in public only because it's "the norm" but I wish I didn't have to.  Maybe someday I won't have to anymore.  And if someone takes offense to it then they can go hide under a blanket until my baby is done eating!







Friday, June 12, 2015

Toast

6:18am.
Garage sale today.
1 1/2 hours of sleep.
Baby screamed all night.
My head is pounding.
This is like a super long haiku.
I NEED MORE COFFEEEEEE!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Whatever Happened To....?

In case any of you guys watched me on YouTube, you probably noticed I have not made a video in a really long time!  I do not plan to be gone forever.  The reason for my hiatus is threefold:
1) my phone, for whatever reason, no longer will upload the videos directly to YouTube.  In order to upload a video I have to first record it, connect my phone physically to my computer, put the video on the computer, then upload it to YouTube and for reasons I've never understood, it takes upwards of TWO HOURS to upload!  Which is insane and leads me to number

2) I honestly don't have the time to make videos and upload them.  I don't feel the need to make excuse but I will anyway.  I have a 6 month old who is exceedingly active, a house to try and maintain, classes to teach and, not to mention, try to take a little time for myself and

3) my body image is so bad I can't imagine trying to find a good angle to take a video from.  Pictures are hard enough! 

To add to #1, my desktop computer isn't even assembled right now. It's packed, and my laptop charger suddenly started zapping and sparking and died about a week ago.  So I couldn't upload a video even if I wanted to! 

Just wanted you guys to know, so you didn't wonder what became of me on there! 

Have a great rest of the week!! 

Seattle Trip in Pictures Part 3

We walked all the way down to the end of Alaskan Way and then went up a block  and started heading back in toward the market.  It reminded me of when Corky and I went to Seattle at New Years 2012-2013 (check the archives for pictures from that trip!) and we stayed in a hotel out that direction.  We would walk to the market or the waterfront using Western Ave, Elliott Ave and Alaskan Way.  I feel like I was so much thinner on that trip, which saddens me, however I didn't have Mara back then which saddens me even more! 

Anyway, we paused at a fruit stand/shop thing in the market and bought a TON of fruit!  The weather was gorgeous and the fruit was so colorful... it was HEAVEN! It looked like candy!  Better than candy! 
We bought lychees, mango, apples, nectarines and pears!  They were sooooo good! 

We walked back uphill to the hotel one last time. We wanted to pop into H&M to buy my mom a shirt but they didn't open for 8 minutes more and Mara was starting to fuss so we just went on.  

Back at the hotel we put the finishing touches on our packing, Mara nursed, and then we played on the floor, the 3 of us, and took pictures.  If you're wondering why she has a bottle, it's because I wanted her to get nice and full before the car ride home so hopefully she would sleep. And here are the pictures:

Mara sure loves her grandma! 

One of my favorite pics

Grandmas are the very best snugglers! 

This beautiful (and rare) view of Mt. Rainier guided us out of Seattle.  

Mara fell asleep around Tukwila (15 min south of Seattle) after a major blowout (changed at a gas station) and slept ALL the way home!  After the blowout, my mom and I switched and I drove home.  My mom fell asleep around Federal Way (about 45 min south of Seattle) and slept all the way til Kelso (about 50-60 min north of Portland) LOL!  I entertained myself by listening to my Zumba music on shuffle and playing the alphabet game 7 times through by myself. 

It was truly a great trip. I can't wait to go back! 

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Seattle Trip in Pictures Part 2

After the Seattle Great Wheel, we got some food and headed back up to the hotel.  I was in dire need of the breast pump and Mara needed a nap. As it turned out, she napped on the way back in the stroller which was fortunate since we didn't have much time before we had to turn around and head back down for the Harbor Cruise.

I don't have many pictures from the Harbor Cruise.  It was very hot on the boat and very crowded. Toward the end of the hour tour I was nursing Mara and she fell asleep.  We waited for everyone to disembark before we did.  The only picture I got was of these 2 giant cruise ships docked in Seattle.

After the cruise, we walked back through Pike Place Market.  We happened across an Asian bakery.  I spied a pack of mini red-bean-paste mooncakes. Ever since reading the book The Moon Lady as a kid, I had wanted a mooncake.  Now it's our tradition to find a mooncake whenever we're on vacation.  Yum! 

We went back to the hotel and just hung around for a while.  Mara played on the bed while my mom and I figured out what to do about dinner.  My mom's feet were very entertaining in Mara's opinion!

We ended up at an Indian restaurant for dinner.  It was my first time eating Indian food and I actually liked it! 

Mara kept herself occupied chewing on the wipes. Lol! 

The next morning we got up, had breakfast and asked for an extended checkout time just in case.  We didn't end up needing it but better safe than sorry.  We were planning originally to walk down to the waterfront and hit up the Seattle Aquarium but when we got down there the weather was so nice that we just decided to walk along the waterfront instead. These photos are from that walk. 

My mom and sleeping Mara, posing in front of the harbor.

Another big cruise ship! 

I could NOT get over the sheer enormity of this boat! That's me posing in front of it!

Mara, on the other hand, was not impressed. Lol.

To be continued in part 3....