ENVY!!!

I am so envious of you!!!!!  You get to be FULL!  You get to eat food that you actually fucking LIKE!!!! You don't even look at the calories.  Or the fat.  Or the carbs.  Or worry about what that's going to look like on your body in a few days time.  That doesn't even concern you!  All that matters to you is that it tastes good!

I don't get to have that, apparently.  I know, I know... people will tell me "You can beat this, Kate."  "You can do it."  "I believe in you!"  But no.  I can't.  I never will.

"I can't eat that."
"No, you THINK you can't eat that."
"What's the difference?"
"Perception."

Well no, that is not right because if it's my perception then it's a rule for me.  Perception is the difference for YOU.  You've never had a voice in your head whispering to you, "Don't eat that... you don't need it.... it's bad for you.  You're fat enough.  If you eat it, you'll be sorry.  That's right.  Leave it alone... good girl..."  

You've got blinders on!  All you see is what tastes good, what's quick, what's available.  Turn that shit over and look at the label!  THINK about it!  Welcome to my LIFE!  Those numbers rule my world.  They dictate whether something is "good" or "bad."  Something can taste so fucking good but if the numbers are wrong I will say, "No. I don't like that."  Which is a total lie, but I have to say it because that's the rules.  You'll never know how that feels.  And that makes me so envious I can't even stand it!

It's 11:47pm!  And you know what I really want?  Like want in the worst way?  Peanut butter and banana on bread.  Like a sandwich.  I'll eat it on rice cakes once in a while without too much fuss, but bread is like taboo or something.  So scary.  But it tastes so good.  When the sandwich has a little squish to it, because the bread is soft... Not like rice cakes.  They crunch and are a little salty... the bread is sweet, so sweet, almost TOO sweet!  But it's so soft... and I want it so much.  And the peanut butter tastes so good with banana... it's not fair!  Why can't I have that?  I know the answer... but I don't have to like it.  

Or you know what else I want?  Yakisoba.  I love the noodles and the sauce and the veggies and I love eating with chopsticks and I like when it has chicken in it but even better when it doesn't!  And it's salty and the veggies are soft and cooked and they're so so so good.  I love when there's broccoli in it because it becomes all soft and squishy and the sauce is stuck in the little pod thingies... ah it's so fucking good and I want it SO BAD!!!!!

Those two things (the pb and banana sandwich and yakisoba) are not horrendous things.  They're not like junk food.  But my brain is like NO YOU CANNOT HAVE THAT!!!!!!  Why?  Is it because it tastes good and heaven forbid I should ever be allowed to have something like that?  Or is it just unsafe?  I don't know.  But I know that people eat that shit every damn day and envious doesn't even begin to describe the way I feel about that.