Family

I know I posted earlier today once.  But I had such a profound experience earlier this evening that I just have to write about it.

So... the backstory to this is a little complicated, but long-story-short my family is VERY dysfunctional.  Not the "we put the 'fun' in 'dysfunction'" kind of dysfunctional but honestly, heartbreakingly dysfunctional.  Half the time I feel like I'm floating around in space by myself.  When I think back on my childhood, my whole body hurts.  I've lived on my own (or with Corky) for the last several years, and rely on myself, my fiancé, my friends and my animals for family.

Dinner at my house usually consists of Corky heating up some frozen thing and me eating an apple and a yogurt, and kind of picking at things throughout the evening.  Or else we go out to dinner - he gets whatever he gets and I get salad.  Everywhere.  

So many decisions to make.  What do I want?  What is "safe" for me?  If I eat that, will I get fat?  Are you sure?  And so on it goes. 

My best friend Alena's family has kind of "adopted" me into their family, which has been a tremendous help.  I don't know what I would do without her/them.  They've literally saved my butt on more than one occasion!   

So tonight I went to my friend D's house.  D is married with 3 children, the youngest of whom is a senior in high school.  I know her through Zumba and she is one of my favorite people in the world.  She, like me, loves to bake.  Anyway, I went over there this evening because she was going to help me decorate masks for my wedding.  Her husband was there and he hung around the kitchen and talked to us for a while as we worked, then he retired to the couch to watch a TV show while D and I remained at the table.  

We talked about everything and nothing.  Zumba, friends, family... everything.  It was a really fun few hours, spent with no limits on discussion topics.  Then, it was dinner time.  D's husband asked, "Is she staying for dinner?"  And D told him "Yeah, she's going to try my shepard's pie!"

You want to know the weirdest thing?  I didn't even panic!  I have been SO stressed about my family's issues, plus the wedding, plus work, plus my eating disorder that I had just had enough!  This might make no sense, but I was relieved to have D taking the reigns regarding food.  Just this one time, it was like I had NO control... and I didn't even mind!  
I helped her chop cucumbers into the salad bowl, her husband set the table, and she got the rest of the food out.  She put 4 glasses on the table, poured 1% milk into all of them, and put food on the plates.  I didn't bat an eye.  

Her husband called their son down for dinner.

We sat down.

I ate everything she gave me.

I even drank the milk.

Holy shit... I forgot how good milk tastes when it's a) eaten with dinner and b) not nonfat!  D chose my portion.  She chose what I drank.  She took CARE of me.  It was such a relief, and it was exactly what I needed.  I needed to feel like part of a family SO BADLY that I almost cried right into my 1% milk!  Don't get me wrong, I have family.  Aside from them, Alena's family is my other family, and I love them dearly.  But the fact of the matter is that D's home is untouched by MY eating disorder (because she doesn't know about it, really.)  So this experience was different than when I eat with Alena's family (which I also love, because I feel loved there.)  It was like my eating disorder didn't have a voice, for a while, because I was a guest in D's house, and her husband and son were right there... it would have been rude for me to say, "oh I can't eat that..."  I know I didn't have to finish it all.  I could have said, "okay, I'm full now, thank you," and D would have said, "okay!"  But you know what?  It was an okay amount.  Seemed like a lot but.. I guess I was hungrier than I thought I was!

This whole "family-food" thing was something I desperately needed but did not know I needed.  I needed someone to say, "Just eat this.  It's fine.  It's good for you.  You're safe."  I can't tell you I don't feel any guilt about it now, but at the time?  Totally guilt-free.