Torn

I feel the need to do some random venting.  Why I think the internet is a good place for this, I do not know.  Maybe because it offers some anonymity by being SO beyond public in that it's literally out there for everyone with two eyes and internet access to read, that it goes beyond being public and becomes... publicly private?  Or maybe it's because I'm sure there's other people out there who are faced with the big scary land of "married twentysomethings" and looking at a giant fork in the road going "now what?"  

I feel like I'm pulled in a bunch of directions.  What I want, what I feel I should want, what my eating disorder wants, what I should be doing.. etc.  I feel like one of those stretchy dude toys and my arms, legs AND head are being pulled.  Work?  Family?  Zumba?  School?  What should I do?

It seems as though I fail at nearly everything.  People say my job isn't a "real job."  In fact, it is a real job and in fact I have two.  I'm a Zumba instructor and a nanny!  Both are real jobs and both make money.  Okay, so I don't make tons of money.  But it's money!  But I don't want to get another job because there's no other jobs that can make me happy like Zumba and nannying.  I don't want a desk job.  Oh my god no! I would die of boredom.  Even if I could get a "big girl job" (as my friend so amusingly puts it) I think I'd feel like I don't fit in there.

It reminds me of Spring 2012 when I was looking to buy my new car.  I looked at a Hyundai Elantra (which was the kind of car I already drove but it was a 2004), a Kia Optima and a Mazda3 (which I ultimately ended up with.)  But then my dad looked at the numbers again and said, "you could actually afford a Camry!" So we went to the Toyota dealership and I got to test drive this Camry.  I felt really out of place in that car! It was too nice for me.  I think I'd feel that way working like a high-paying job in an office.

And what about children?  I'm 26, which I know means I have plenty of time... but... I know that Corky and I want to have at least one kid by the time we're 30.  But I can't even think about that.... because the thought of having to gain baby weight makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.  So that's enough about that topic.  Lol!!!!!

I feel mostly torn between this idea of being part of a married pair and pulling away from that because of  my eating disorder.  NOT that I am pulling away from Corky or being married!  Not that!!! Just the whole idea of being a grown up and getting a "big girl job" in addition to my "little girl job" (Zumba) and potentially being a mom within 5 years (oh god) and being ABLE to drive a nice car and being ABLE to work in a nice job... there's no room for an eating disorder in that mix.  But the problem is I don't know how to be a functioning human being without one.  I've nearly had it for longer than I haven't!  How do you grow all the way up to 26 in fast forward?  I can't understand how to do that.  I can't understand where to start!