Beautiful Out There

I really want to try to explain something, if I can.  I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way.  I have no idea how prevalent this feeling is, but I can't possibly be the only one.

"Pregnancy is a beautiful thing."  That's a comment I hear a lot.  And I've said it too.  I sure believed it.  I might still believe it, actually, but I think it's too general a statement.  And it's about half wrong.  It makes sense to me why people say that.  But "beautiful" is no longer the word I would use to describe it.  "Amazing" "awesome" "interesting" "complex" and "wonderful" are words I would all use before I would use the word "beautiful" to describe pregnancy, at least from in here.

"You're glowing."  That's another thing I hear a lot.  I'm not glowing.  That's physically impossible for humans to do.  I'm not a firefly!  If you think I'm glowing that's probably either bronzer or sweat!  Lol.  Sorry.  Pregnant women do not glow.

I can accept the idea that pregnancy may look beautiful to some people, from the outside looking in.  But let me tell you from my own experience - it is NOT beautiful in here!  My head hurts, my back aches, I can't sleep, no position is comfortable to lie down in, I feel fat, I feel cumbersome, I feel useless because I can't even lift my dogs.  Food either sounds amazing or revolting.  Smells make me want to throw up.  I miss my old body.  My skin feels tight, like it's being stretched, because it is.  I am terrified.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's amazing and cool that there's a child growing inside me!  It's a 6-inch-long little stranger sharing a body with me, and I can't wait to meet him/her, find out what he/she is all about.  Yeah, it's not really a lot of fun to be pregnant, but I wouldn't undo it!  No way!!!  I love this baby.  I just don't love how I feel for the time being and, conceivably, for the next 4 and a half months.  

But it's fine!  Here we are at June 30th.  July is tomorrow!  I can't believe I'm writing those words, finally.  Back in March and April, it felt like time was literally standing still.  Those were horrible days.  I can't find words to tell you all how incredibly relieved I am that those days are over.  Horribly dark days where I spent more time crying than not.  Now summer is here for real.  June is nearly gone, only 42 minutes left of June 2014 and then it will be gone forever.  July will begin, and eventually it will end.  So will August, September and October.  Then in November, by the grace of god, this baby will be born healthy and on-time.  I can make it until then!