June-uary

**Warning: I have no idea what I'm going to say in this post.  Beware of triggers, 'cause that's always a possibility!**

It's been a while, since maybe 2011, since we've had a June-uary.  June-uary is when the weather teases you with summer, lets you get comfortable with believing the rain and cold are gone for the season, and then BAM!  You get hit with 50 degrees and rain for about a week.  Oh we always get rain and cloudy days in June, but they're not usually under the 65 degree mark.

Usually, June-uaries are a pain in my ass and nothing more.  They don't derail me or really bother me very much.  After all, we've just come out of 8 straight months of rain, clouds and cold, so what's another week, right?  This June-uary, however, is a different story!  Before I was pregnant, my moods were never really affected by the weather very much.  At the worst I would be mildly irritated by the rain messing up my hair or soaking the backs of my pant legs.  

Spring in general, as I've mentioned probably 100+ times on here, is really hard for me.  This past spring was really, really, REALLY hard!  Toward the end of May I was crying every day, the shitty weather and my stress, fear and hatred of my body taking their toll at last.  Then the sun came out and I felt better.  I went a week and a half with no crying jags.  It was heavenly.  

This past weekend, my friend from Curacao came.  If you read my posts from November about Curacao, you will see me talk about my friend C.  She was here from June 13-16, and did a few Zumba Jam sessions and a master class.  I was kept pretty busy all weekend, which were days 3, 4, 5 and 6 of June-uary.  Once C left yesterday though, I immediately realized how incredibly exhausted I was.

Maybe the baby is having a growth spurt.  Maybe I was just exhausted from the weekend's activities (although I'm still just as tired today, so the growth spurt idea is looking more likely.)  All I know is that I am exhausted and hungry.  And so fucking scared.  I hate being hungry.  There is almost nothing more horrifying to me than the feeling of being hungry.  Knowing that whatever I eat is going to put weight on me, for sure.  I should go work out, I should go to more Zumba... but I just don't have the energy!  My eating disorder is beside itself, screaming at me that I'm lazy, stupid, fat, and that I deserve to hate myself.  The rational part of me, small as it is, plus everybody else is telling me, no, you're fine, you're growing a baby, that's hard work!  Of course you're tired!  Don't beat up on yourself.  You're fine if you don't work out for ONE DAY.  And so on.

Yesterday I went and saw Maleficent with Corky at the theater.  Corky had Coke Zero and let me have a few sips.  My craving for Coke Zero has gone absolutely nowhere.  I still want it so bad it hurts.  And yesterday I realized that maybe it's not the actual Coke Zero I am wanting so much.  Yeah, it tastes good, but that's not all.  I think I'm also really just missing what Coke Zero represents to me.  The short version: I miss my old life.  Of course I love this baby.  Of course I want this baby.  Of course I would never do anything to undo all that I have.  But damn it I want to be skinny again.  I miss it so much it feels like my heart has a huge crack down the middle.  Words can't describe it.  It's staggering.

Time seems to be standing still and flying by.  The weekend is already over.  My dad had heart surgery last Thursday.  C has come and gone.  The baby turned 17 weeks last Saturday.  It's only about 3 and a half weeks until I'll find out the baby's sex.  But it seems like it's been roughly 5 months til my due date forever!!!  The time elapsed is moving, but the time to go is standing still.  How is that possible??  It isn't, but that's what it feels like is happening.  I just want to skip the rest of it.  I want to go to sleep and wake up when it's all over.