Exit July

A year ago today a hilarious thing happened.  Both Alena and I were teaching a Zumba class that day (because it was a Wednesday last year) and so when we went to promote our classes on facebook, we both wrote something to the effect of:  "Exit July with a bang, come dance at Zumba blah blah blah."

Now.. it was weird enough for one of us to think of phrasing it "exit July," but BOTH of us?  Lol!!  I'm teaching a class this morning at 9:30am, and I wrote "Exit July" in my facebook promotion again!  Alena's out of town this week, or else she'd be teaching today too, and would write the same.  Just one of our little inside jokes.

Can you believe it's almost August?  I can't believe I'm even writing those words!!  I feel as though time is going by fast these days, for which I'm incredibly, unbelievably grateful.  I can still remember one day in May (the 22nd actually) walking down 170th Ave and calculating the time left until my due date.  It was exactly 6 months.  Now it's like 3 months and 23 days or something!!!!!!  That's CRAZY!

Speaking of that, last night I had a dream in which I was actually in labor.  I couldn't physically feel any pain in the dream but I know I was in pain.  The way I was reacting in the dream told me that I was in pain.  But I was doing okay.  I woke up before the baby was actually born, but it was so-far-so-good by the time I did wake up.  Oh man that's scary as hell.

I need to figure out what the HELL I'm doing with Zumba.  Last night I taught a class with ONE person in it.  That's just unacceptable.  I was subbing for someone at the dance studio where I teach.  It would be one thing if I were new to that place, but I've been teaching there for over a year.  Why do people discriminate against subs so much?  They should be grateful!  If nobody subbed, classes would be cancelled all the time.  People should come to class and be grateful to get a workout, not bitch about who is or isn't teaching.  And it's not even just about that, I made $3 off that class.  THREE DOLLARS!!!!! THIS IS INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!

In totally unrelated news, my birthday was last week.  A week ago today, actually.  It was fine.  I had coffee with my mom, made my birthday cake, went to Zumba and then to dinner with friends.  Pretty low key birthday.

Happy Thursday everyone! :)

Too

Geez I'm apparently short on words these days.  Sorry!  The days just tick by one after another and I really have less time than I think I do.

Anyway!  I saw this pic on facebook this morning and I loved it.  I was JUST talking to my sister about this yesterday.  About how when I was a kid I was always getting blamed for stuff and told I was "too ____" (insert adjective.)  Too loud.  Too mad.  Too difficult.  Too angry.  Too sensitive.  You get the idea.  If I had a dollar for every time a therapist told me to count to ten or punch a pillow, I'd have my baby's college fund all set by now.

As I got older, and those adjectives didn't change, I started feeling even worse!  What is WRONG with me?  Why can't I just be like everyone else? Why does everything have to be so HARD all the time?  Those are awful thoughts to think, and I thought them every day.

But then this weird thing started happening... I didn't change those things (I couldn't really!) and do you know what?  People liked me anyway!  People liked me in spite of (or maybe because of?) my outspokenness, my temper, my fierce loyalty, my sensitivity, my ability to pick up on others' feelings.  And I started to realize that those things are what make me ME.  And people like ME!  So why should I feel so bad about that?  Maybe I wasn't "too ____" for the world, maybe the world wasn't _____ enough for me!

In other news, baby Mara is 23 weeks today. :)  Everything is fine.  Have a great weekend!!! XOXOXOXOXO

22 Weeks

22 weeks in. Things are fine.

I feel like I have a little cold.

Really nothing else to report.  Lol.

Happy sunday!

Zumba

Let me start by saying: to all my Zumba family who reads this - I LOVE YOU ALL!  I feel incredibly lucky to have found a job that I love so much.  I definitely realize that not everyone can say that.  It is undeniable that my Zumba family has come through for me in my times of need, perhaps more than my "real" family, and I will always be grateful for that.

Okay now on to the rest of this.

I am wondering if maybe I need to find a new job.  The problem with that is, obviously, that I won't love any other job the way I love(d) Zumba.  I still do love it.  But I am not sure that I should be doing it for a my part of the income.

This morning I subbed for my friend.  I might mention here that I had an absolutely shit morning beforehand, so by the time I got to the studio to teach, I was so ready for a solid hour of exercise to get my head out of the rut it was in.  When I pulled into the parking lot at 9:23 (class was to start at 9:30), it was empty.  Not a great sign but I've seen it happen where some people come in right as class starts.  So I thought, whatever, and walked in.

When I went in, the lady behind the desk (the studio manager) said, "oh you ARE subbing!" as though she were happy about that, which made me happy too.  Then she went on to say, "I've had five people call this morning to ask who is teaching."  She then went on to say that when they found out it was a sub, they said they weren't coming.  I don't take that personally because nobody knew it was me until just then, but I am often the one who subs for her so that kind of sucked.  I don't even know why the manager told me that!  I don't need to know that!

So I went into the Zumba room and I was sitting down on a bench, putting my shoes on as DJ Dale Play was on the stereo system.. and this lady walks in.  She came to the edge of the hallway, saw that it was me, turned around and WALKED OUT.  There was no one else in the room and it was 9:32.  I started bawling.  I was so mad at that moment.  I was thinking, why am I even here?  Nobody wants to come to my class.  In the end, 4 people came.  Since we get per person, 50% of what they pay to get in, a class of 4 people earned me $12.  That is horrible.  I spent more on gas to get there than I earned in that class.

But that's just it - this isn't unusual.  I teach regularly at that studio on Monday mornings and I've been doing so since LAST July... and I'm still lucky to get 6 or 7 people and that's on a damn good day.  My classes have never ever grown there.  People say they like me, I do have regulars (whom I love), people tell me "oh yeah I'll start coming to your class" but they never do.  On the rare occasion that someone actually does give me a chance as a sub, they find out that my class is actually pretty fun and say they'll come check out my regular class, but then never come.  Why??  Why would you take the time to say that to me if you don't mean it?? Just say nothing!  Thank me for the class and LEAVE!  Don't make empty promises to appease me.  And if you have a problem with me or my class, tell me so!  How am I supposed to fix a problem unless I know there is one?  

And for the love of god, don't come in, see me, and leave.  That is just unbelievably rude and will hurt even the most confident instructor's feelings.  

Today I tried to buy a onesie for my little girl who isn't born yet, and get cash back so I could go to Starbucks.  My card was declined.  I checked my balance and had $16 to my name.  Not even enough for a tank of gas.  (I bought the onesie anyway.)  I was supposed to get all my jobs back after the first trimester but my ex-boss (different gym) decided to go back on her fucking word and not give me ANY of my classes back.  I taught 3 classes per week at that gym!!! That was my main source of income, since the studio from this morning doesn't pay me shit and I only work at one other gym once per week.  At this gym where I taught 3x/week, I was making $27/class, no matter how many people came in!  That's $81 per week, about $325 per month!!  Plus my other two jobs made it around $425-450 per month.  Now, all of a sudden with medical bills and an upcoming baby, she takes away a huge chunk of that income.  I can't find words to express how angry I am about that.  I've since quit that gym.

So I deposited another paycheck today (from the same studio as this morning) and now I have $58.  Awesome.  And a $300 monthly payment to my insurance to make that I certainly can't afford.  What the hell am I doing?  Clearly Zumba is not going to help me here.  Maybe I need to find a new job.

The Kashi Clarity

On Monday night, Corky took me to a Hillsboro Hops baseball game.  They're seriously minor league, but it's something to do.  We went to a game a few weeks ago (June 30th I think) and it was moderately entertaining.  My dad loves baseball so we decided we would invite him to a game.  So on Monday the 14th, we went.

Corky, bless his soul, loves nachos, hot dogs, popcorn, pizza... all the shit that is sold at ballparks and movie theaters.  So he was planning to have nachos (his all time favorite) at the game for dinner.  I am not such a fan of ballpark food, surprise surprise, so I decided to have some cereal before we left.

I felt like absolute SHIT when we went to the game.  My eating disorder was so mad at me for having eaten a bowl and a half of Kashi cereal.

It's so caloric... much higher calories than any cereal you normally eat.  Why'd you eat that?  You're so dumb!  You have no will power.  

And on and on and ON like that.  I even snapped at Corky a few times as we were leaving the house.  I was mad at myself because I had been sort of planning on getting a teriyaki chicken bowl (without rice) at the game, but now I couldn't have it, and I was so mad because it felt like I just had no willpower.

As we drove down this main road towards Hillsboro to get to the stadium, I looked out the window and saw a McDonalds.  The drive-thru was full of people.  I saw these two ladies in their car, in the drive-thru line, laughing about something.  Within the next half mile we passed a Burger King, a Taco Bell, two pizza places and a handful of Mexican restaurants.  And suddenly I realized Hey, at least I'm not eating that!

I am NOT casting judgments on people who eat fast food!  I have eaten it in my life time and I'm sure I will again.  But, as an anorexic person, fast food is not safe.  Suddenly I felt so silly for being so mad at myself for eating Kashi cereal.  

"Well," I said to Corky.  "At least my idea of eating badly is eating Kashi cereal."  And we both chuckled about that.  I guess I'm going to be fine.

The Reveal

21 Weeks!

Baby & I made it to 21 weeks now.  More than halfway done!  It's crazy, in some ways it feels like the time goes by quickly, but when I look back in my memory at the day those pregnancy tests came up positive, it feels like it was years ago.  That strange, strange day in March.  I'll never forget it.

For the most part, things are fine.  I haven't gained too much weight, my OB says everything is fine in that department.  Of course my eating disorder brain thinks in such a black-and-white fashion that unless the OB is saying "You haven't gained enough weight," then my brain hears "You've gained too much weight."  Which, I know, is totally not what he said!  But that's how it seems to me.

Last night I went to the mall with Alena, her mom, our friend S (guy) and Corky.  We were in H&M and Alena and I were trying stuff on.  I don't know what she was trying on, but I was trying on these shorts.  They were made of sweatpant material and had a super elastic waist.  Well, the medium size looked ridiculous on me because they were really baggy, but the waist fit fine.  The small looked better in the leg area but it gave me muffin top.  WHICH I F*CKING HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Now... I know that there is a baby growing in my abdomen.  I understand that this automatically makes my waist bigger.  Rationally I totally get that.  But I have to tell you, in that very moment, nothing mattered except that I looked like a huge fat pig.  I wanted to cry!  At that moment, Alena poked her head out of her dressing room across the way and said, "Kate! Will you look at this?"  She opened the door and was wearing a dress.  OH MY GOD!!! She looked so perfect in that dress! I was insanely jealous, wishing that I could look even half as good as that in anything right now.

Most of the time I try really really hard not to complain.  My skin hurts where it's being stretched, but I just put lotion on and keep going.  My back aches sometimes, but I just take a warm bath and take some Tylenol and it usually goes away.  I get headaches pretty often but the world doesn't stop for pregnancy headaches!  I've got Zumba classes to teach, so I just go and teach them.  The other day I was with a friend and I said something about my skin stretching and aching and she asked me some more questions about that.  When I answered she said, "Oh my god.. you, like, never complain!  I feel like I would be one of those bitchy pregnant ladies, like, oh my god, this hurts.. oh my god, that hurts.." and I laughed and told her she might be!  But she might surprise herself too.

I can't do anything about the things that are bugging me, except the things I'm already doing, so what's the point in complaining very much?  I will admit to getting a little bit more complain-y at night, when trying to go to sleep, but that usually just consists of me saying something like, "I cannot get comfortable!" and then Corky rubs my back and I fall asleep without saying much more.  Believe me, I am apologizing to him on a daily basis for being "bitchy" or "sad."  He always tells me, "Babe... it's not that bad.  You're doing fine!" whenever I apologize.  I never know whether to believe him or not, so I just believe him. LOL!

Gender reveal party tomorrow! I'll post with the gender sometime after that, and probably some pics too!  In the meantime, here's my 20 week belly pic and the ultrasound pic.  Enjoy and...
Happy Weekend!!! :) xoxo

Tomorrow!

Back on May 29th I made a countdown calendar.  3 days of May, 30 days of June and 6 days of July had to be X'ed off before: the gender ultrasound!  I cannot believe it's finally tomorrow.  I remember making that countdown calendar on a super rainy day, feeling like the time would never ever pass.  But it did.  And now it's finally tomorrow.

My appointment is at 7:00am.  OMG!  This means I have to get up at 6:00am and drink a bunch of water.  And hold my pee.  That's hard enough when I'm wide awake and not crabby.  We shall see how this goes at 6am.

My bestie Alena is coming to the ultrasound.  I really hope it's a good exam.  I'm excited for her to see the baby too.

I am so frustrated though... I really really hope this baby is a girl.  If it's a boy, I have no idea what the hell we're going to call him!  Corky and I cannot agree on anything!