3 Months

I'll make a post later about NEDA week 2015, but first.....

My baby is 3 months old!!!

It feels like the time flew by but then it also feels like the right amount of time.  It's weird. 

But I have to say.... the hardest part of new mommyhood, hands down, was breastfeeding.  I cannot believe I've made it 3 months after the incredibly rocky, painful, flat-out unpleasant beginning I had with it.  The pain was horrendous.  I would walk up the stairs to feed Mara (because at the beginning I only did it in this one specific spot) and I would start crying before I even made it up the first 2 or 3 stairs.  The pain was the worst I've ever felt - worse than labor. 

At the beginning I had to use a nipple guard.  It's this little silicon shield thing that kind of looks like a teeny sombrero with holes in the top and it goes over your nipple to keep it from chafing so much.  I also used a breastfeeding pillow.

Now, however, I just haul out my boob and pop her on with no guard, no pillow, no paraphernalia at all!  I use a nursing cover when I'm out in public but other than that... nothing.  It's gotten so much easier! I didn't believe it was possible but I hung on. I almost quit a million times but I didn't and I'm so glad!

Little Mara is growing like a sunflower and learning new things every day. She is trying to sit up and roll over on her own.  She can grab things (and does... often!) and likes to play with toys.  She's doing great with tummy time.  She's a smart little girl.  She knows who her parents are and cries whenever anyone else tried to hold her.  She's my little buddy and I love her so much!! 

NEDA week

Sorry I've been MIA lately.... just been busy.  Being a mom and all that.  And I've honestly been struggling so bad. I just can't stand how I look!!! 

Anyway, it's NEDAwareness week this week and the theme is "I Had No Idea."  So here's a few statistics: 

Only 1 in 10 people who are suffering from an eating disorder will receive treatment.

10-15% of sufferers are male

Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner. 

That last one is scary isn't it?? Especially since I have a little girl of my own now and one day, not so very long from now, she'll be in that age range.  Will she think she's fat?  God I hope not!! I'll do everything in my power to ensure that she has a healthy mind about food and body.  I'll never call myself fat or skip meals in front of her.  I can't promise to be recovered but I can promise she'll never see me engage in symptoms!  I'll make damn sure of that! 

Here's a few pictures, since it's been a while! I can't believe my little stinkbug turns 3 months old tomorrow!!!

Mara and her daddy at a Mexican restaurant for dinner Feb 21, 2015

Jax getting some mommy snuggles 

 

Why Didn't You Cry?

A few days ago, Corky and I were driving somewhere in the car (with Mara in her car seat) and we were talking about Mara's birth.  He was, bless his big ol' heart, telling me how amazing I was during it and everything.  Aww.  Anyway, somehow the topic of the level of pain on a one-to-ten scale came up.  

"One hundred," I said.

"Really? It was that bad?" He asked.

"Yeah!" I was laughing, incredulous. "It really was!"

"Well then why didn't you cry?"

I guess I can see where that question came from.  You would think that a pain rated at 100 on a 1-10 scale would produce tears.  But the reality was that crying never crossed my mind.  It would have been too much work to cry!  By the time Mara was born, I hadn't slept in almost 2 days.  I hadn't eaten in 27 hours.  I wasn't allowed to drink water because of my epidural which, by the time Mara arrived, I had had for nearly 12 hours.  Crying would have wasted water, salt and energy that frankly I didn't have enough of to spare any! 

It took every ounce of energy and focus if had to just exist through each painful contraction.  Losing my mind wasn't an option.  Neither was passing out.  Crying didn't seem to be a good alternative because it was too hard.  I had to concentrate on just being.  So I did. 

After explaining all that, Corky looked at me with an expression that I've never seen before.  He looked awed.  It was rad!! Nothing like being validated for the very hardest (and most rewarding by far) thing I've ever done! :) 

Mara's Baby Photoshoot

What?!?

I just read something that says that, contrary to what you usually see, breastfeeding releases a hormone that causes the body to hang onto fat...!!! What?!? This is a terrifying prospect! I always heard that breastfeeding makes the weight come off faster.... what the hell man???? 

Uhhhghhh. I wish I hadn't read that. I'm already struggling with feeling like I want to stop breastfeeding ASAP because I'm tired of being so hungry all the time (more on that later) and having to eat.  I won't stop because I know the antibodies and nutrients in the milk are exactly made for Mara and it's what she needs but.... ummm.... this is sure making it harder!!! God damn! 

Unrelated news: I got a new job!!! I work now for a huge gym chain. Starting last week of February or first week of March I'll be teaching 3 Aqua aerobics classes, one strength type class and one Zumba class for this gym.  Only little hang-up is that I don't know how to teach either aqua or this form of strength classes and I have about a week or so to teach myself. Wish me luck!!! lol 

Shameless body checking on Sunday. (Love my new pants though!)

Me in my "Zumba professional" style this morning (it was like 6:30am, hence the coffee cup) before my audition :) 

The Dream

I had a nightmare last night.  First one in a while!  It was one of those weird dreams where it scared the shit out of me for no good reason because the stuff that was happening in the dream wasn't really that scary.  I just felt disproportionately scared.  Once, when I was little, I had a dream that there was a mouse in my shoe and I was terrified.  If that happened in reality I would probably have been startled.  But for some reason I was very frightened by that mouse.

Anyway, the nightmare I had last night had nothing to do with mice.  It had to do with Zumba!

I was supposed to teach this humongous class at some kind of big Zumba event, like the convention or something.  There was this incredibly tall, two-tiered stage.  I mean really tall, like 50 feet high!  (I know that makes no sense because then nobody could see me, but dreams seldom make much sense!)  There was a platform upstage where a DJ was, and for some reason the whole thing was carpeted.  Down below were like 100 people, getting ready to do Zumba, and I had to teach them from way up there.  

I can remember I was crouching at the side of the stage, in the curtains, rummaging through my bag, getting ready to do the warm up.  All of a sudden, someone turned on a fog machine and it went rogue.  Fog filled the whole room.  Although no one could see me anymore (nor I them), I still had to teach!  I couldn't even see where the edge of the stage was!  The music started and I was clinging to the edge of the DJ's tier, trying to do the moves to the warm up but too terrified of falling off the edge of the stage to let go.

The fear was real.  I can still feel it now.

I realized after a few moments that I wasn't going to be able to teach, and yet I had to.  Then the fog dissipated but I was still too petrified to let go of the DJ's tier.  At just that moment, the baby monitor (in real life) ran out of batteries and started beeping and woke me up.  It was 5:16am.

It was weird because I'm not afraid of heights.  But something about that stage scared me to death!  I was glad to wake up when I did.  

have a fantastic week! xoxo :)

Kitchen Photoshoot

Yesterday I dressed Mara in this cute little outfit that a friend of mine gave her.  It looked so incredibly cute on her I just HAD to snap a few pictures right there in her bedroom...

The outfit came with a hat, which was downstairs.  I figured we might as well get a picture or two with the hat on as well, but when I put the hat on her the cuteness factor increased exponentially.  I threw a receiving blanket over her bouncer seat and voilá! Instant photo studio right in the kitchen!  Enjoy my amateur attempt at photography with my iPhone! Lol.

This little girl is my little buddy.  She's my best friend.  We do everything together! I cannot remember life before her nor imagine life without her. 

Haircut

Well I did it.  I hacked off my hair.  If I had not cut it, I wouldn't have any left before long because Mara Soleil loves to grab it and yank it right out of my head!  I like it fine, it's just definitely a shock!