Why Didn't You Cry?

A few days ago, Corky and I were driving somewhere in the car (with Mara in her car seat) and we were talking about Mara's birth.  He was, bless his big ol' heart, telling me how amazing I was during it and everything.  Aww.  Anyway, somehow the topic of the level of pain on a one-to-ten scale came up.  

"One hundred," I said.

"Really? It was that bad?" He asked.

"Yeah!" I was laughing, incredulous. "It really was!"

"Well then why didn't you cry?"

I guess I can see where that question came from.  You would think that a pain rated at 100 on a 1-10 scale would produce tears.  But the reality was that crying never crossed my mind.  It would have been too much work to cry!  By the time Mara was born, I hadn't slept in almost 2 days.  I hadn't eaten in 27 hours.  I wasn't allowed to drink water because of my epidural which, by the time Mara arrived, I had had for nearly 12 hours.  Crying would have wasted water, salt and energy that frankly I didn't have enough of to spare any! 

It took every ounce of energy and focus if had to just exist through each painful contraction.  Losing my mind wasn't an option.  Neither was passing out.  Crying didn't seem to be a good alternative because it was too hard.  I had to concentrate on just being.  So I did. 

After explaining all that, Corky looked at me with an expression that I've never seen before.  He looked awed.  It was rad!! Nothing like being validated for the very hardest (and most rewarding by far) thing I've ever done! :)