Adventures in Eating

As I sit here struggling mightily with my eating disorder, I'm simultaneously trying to introduce my 4 month old daughter to the wonderment and joy of solid food.  Oh, the irony. 

Today we explored green beans.  Mara wasn't sure at first but after a few tries she decided they were okay!  Here is the photographic evidence. 

"I don't know Mommy... It looks suspiciously like what you find in my diaper sometimes... Are you sure this is edible?" 

"Hmmm....." 

"I'm a little sleepy. Can we take a break?" 

"You do realize this is a BOY bib, right?" 

"This thing makes no sense..."

"Okay I'm all done now Mommy, thank you!" 

Still

So I'm still struggling with the whole breastfeeding = hungry thing.  My goal is to breastfeed/pump for 6 months.  Maybe longer. But 6 months is a good start.  Frankly, I'm having a hard time believing I even made it to FOUR months after the horrendous start I had with it!  But here we are.  

Anyway, the eating thing is just so hard.  I know that this probably sounds incredibly ridiculous to anyone who doesn't have an eating disorder but I'm hoping that you'll keep an open mind about this and try to understand as best you can.  

For over a decade, eating, hunger and weight gain have, together, created the trifecta of terror for me.  With pregnancy I had to face all three of those things. It was incredibly scary!  Now, I have lost all the pregnancy weight (and actually a bit more) but I have to eat all the time because I'm HUNGRY all the time and I perceive that I'm still gaining weight because that's how my brain works.  I feel really trapped because I know I have to eat to produce enough milk for Mara (especially now since my left-side supply took a major hit from the mastitis fiasco of the 2nd week of March) and all I want to do is restrict and lose weight! 

But here is perhaps the hardest part of all: I can't even do that after I nurse because I have a daughter now and I will be damned if I'll let her see me starve myself.  So what does that mean? Does it mean I no longer have an eating disorder?? No.. I wish it were that simple.  It means I now have a forbidden eating disorder.  And you know what happens when you say "no you can't do that" to an eating disorder? It says "Make me!" In a sing-song voice. 

But I'll persevere because I always do. Here is my reason: 

On the plus side, we're almost to April! Warmer weather will come eventually lol. 

Pictures

Most of Mara. Lol.

Stinkbug and Mommy selfie in the bathroom 

This picture made me laugh so hard!! I feel bad because obviously she was furious. But it's just so funny!! She's so damn cute!

Mara getting her feet.

Cutest little moccasins EVER!!! A gift from my awesome friend (who reads this blog. Hi!!!) 

Poor little miss had a small reaction to one of her vaccines on Thursday :( Love her little chunk thigh! 

Jaxxie looks like a blobfish 

Oh I love her!! 

Propose

3 years ago today (March 28th, 2012) Corky proposed to me :) 

I'll never forget it. We were eating dinner one night about a week and a half prior and he said, "I have to run an errand on sunday and you can't come."

"Okay," I said, taking a bite of my food. "Just remember I don't like really huge diamonds." 

He blinked at me, laughed, and said, "okay then!"

On Sunday, after he ran his errand, he told me, "it'll be ready on Tuesday" (the 28th). 

Tuesday came and he didn't ask me anything! I waited ALL DAY!  Finally, when we were laying in bed watching NCIS I asked him, "What's taking you so long??" 

He told me he wanted to "show it off" first.  I didn't like that. I thought he could show it off on my hand!  He rolled over and then rolled back with the little box. 

"Katherine Ann..." He dramatically opened the little box to reveal the shiny ring inside. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes.." I answered. "But don't ever call me Katherine Ann again!" 

Biggie Girl

Mara had her 4 month check-up today.  She was very brave and didn't fuss at all when the nurse was weighing and measuring her, nor when the doctor examined her.  

Stats

Weight: 17 lb 0oz (92%)
Height: 27 in (100%)
Head circumference: 42.5cm (93%)

So yeah... she's incredibly tall for 4 months.

She received 3 vaccinations today, one oral and two injections.  She got the Pentacel (DTaP, IPV, Hib), the Rotavirus and the Prevnar 13.  If you are planning to criticize me for vaccinating my daughter, save it.  I'll delete the comment.  Moving on.

Mara was a champ and didn't even notice the first injection.  The second one she furrowed her brows, screwed up her face, opened her mouth, took a deep breath and said... "wah."  And that was it.  Like I said, a champ.

The doctor said she's ready for solid food so I mixed a little Gerber oat cereal with breastmilk and fed it to her.  She actually managed to eat some!  Not gracefully, but she did it.  Cute little thing!!

The infant acetaminophen soon wore off and she was super crabby the rest of the night.  Finally she passed out while nursing at 7:45pm and has been sleeping peacefully ever since.  Sleeping... well.. like a baby.

Because.

On Monday I was texting a friend of mine.  She has been having some trouble lately.  She'll remain nameless, as always, in this post but suffice it to say she's one of my ED Soldier friends. I'll call her Allison.  Anyway, she was texting me because (in a nutshell) she recently found out her weight and is horrified.

Let me back up just a bit to tell you about a previous conversation I had with her.  I can't remember when it was that we had this conversation, but it was sometime in the last year and a half or so.  Anyway, I was telling her about how when you're in a relationship with someone and you have an eating disorder, you have to make sacrifices.  Like eating dinner.  I was telling her how I always eat dinner with Corky, even if I feel like I've been a total pig (which, to be frank, is more often than not).  The reason for this is very simple: it's important to him.  And I'd rather eat dinner with him than not be with him.  And I'd rather look exactly like I look right now, even though I may not be 100% happy with it, than be alone.

A month or two ago, Allison moved in with her boyfriend.  We'll call him John.  

Two weeks ago, Allison and I were in the car and were talking about stuff.  She said, "Remember when you told me about how you eat dinner with Corky even though you don't want to?"  

"Yeah."

"I get that now," she said.  "It's hard, but I finally understand."

Fast forward to this past Monday.  Allison was texting me, feeling really bad about herself.  She was in a dark place.  I was sitting in a coffee shop by myself, having "Just Mama" time while Corky was home with Mara, staring out at the pouring rain and thinking about Allison.  I remember the feeling.  After "the evil treatment place" put 40 lb on me in 12 weeks time back in 2007, I felt just exactly the way Allison feels.

How do I ride it out? she asked me, via text.

I stared into the rain.  The answer came to me.

Because, I texted back.  You love John more than you hate yourself.

There it is.  That's how she'll do it.  That's how we all do things that are unpleasant or awful.  Because someone or something is more important than the amount we dislike whatever it is.  For some reason, it's worth it.

4 Months

Today my sweet Mara Soleil turned 4 months old.  It seems like it was much longer ago that I was in the hospital, fighting my way through 23 hours of labor, pushing out an almost-9-pound baby, struggling to learn to breastfeed and trying to figure out how in the world to be a parent.  That last thing I think is something I'll be working on until the day I die.  You don't stop being a parent when your kids grow up.  You're still their parent.  They're just free to make their own decisions about what to eat for dinner, whether or not to wear clean underwear and wash behind their ears, who they hang out with and what time they go to bed.

Mara is a pretty happy little girl.  She weighs about 17 pounds (I'll have a more exact number for you after her 4 month checkup on Thursday) and is healthy as can be, at least as far as I can tell.  She can roll from her tummy to her back, grab her feet when sitting up or laying down, and is starting to learn to sit up on her own.  She likes prune juice in her bottle occasionally and she likes Gerber pears.  She should be getting some teeth soon - she's drooling like crazy.  She loves to "chat" and have "conversations".  It's the cutest thing!!  Her newest vocal discovery is, to my chagrin, a squeal.  It really is adorable, albeit shrill.

One interesting thing about Mara is that she appears to have developed separation anxiety very early.  My understanding was that babies don't usually exhibit that until about 6 months of age, generally.  She does okay if I leave her with my mom in the morning, but if I leave her with my mom or Corky's mom in the evening.... different story!  Her mood is so different in the evening than it is in the morning.  Maybe that's because she doesn't really nap and so by the time evening comes around she's pretty tired and crabby.  I'm not really sure what it's about, but when I go to teach my evening classes she is just inconsolable.  She'll cry until she throws up.  She won't eat, won't go to sleep, nothing helps.  It's so awful for her and for whoever is taking care of her.  I believe I'm going to have to quit my evening classes.  :(  Which is a shame since I just got that job.  Oh well.  Mara is more important.

Creeping

Last night (or I guess this morning actually) I was awake, pumping, at 4am and all of a sudden an intense sadness overcame me.  I felt fat. And gross!  And I missed my "old body".  Immediately I felt guilty for thinking that... How can I think such a thing when I have a perfect, beautiful daughter?  My body looks like it looks because it gave life to her!  How can I say I miss it? Doesn't that mean I'm wishing my daughter away?

The answer to that last question is unequivocally NO!  I would never wish away the beautiful soul I've been blessed to look after and raise. Never ever ever!  Do I sometimes miss having a flat stomach with no stretch marks? Sure. Would I have it back? Not if it meant Mara wouldn't be here.  I would rather look like this and have her than to look like before and not!  

But is it okay to be sad and miss it? Sure.  Missing something isn't the same as wishing for it back.  I've probably said this before on here but.... I'm going to say it again!  It's okay to be sad. It's okay to mourn the life you had before kids.  It's okay to have a hard time and it's okay to cry about it - just don't unpack and live there.

Now... the only problem here is that since that mini freak-out (which corky was great about by the way. He hugged me and told me I'm perfect and he loves me just as I am... a lot of coherent sentences for a man at 4:00 in the morning lol) I've been having more ED thoughts. They've come creeping in stronger overnight.  This morning I had to work very hard to eat anything for breakfast with my coffee. 

I just feel so stuck, you know? I want to restrict.. It's what I've always done.  But I can't because of nursing.  My supply already took a hit on one side because of the mastitis thing so now I have to work hard to increase it again. Which means eating enough and drinking a lot and pumping/nursing often. And ice packs. Woohoo! Frozen peas in my bra for days.  But I love Mara so much.... I would do anything for her. Including all that stuff! 

By the way, today is Jax's birthday. He's 2!! Love that silly boy of mine. 

A Girl and Her Dogs

Some of these are repeat pics from the previous post.  Sorry about it!! 

Yesterday Mara was wearing her French Bulldog Outfit which consists of a frenchie onesie (made for her by my friend) and her frenchie socks from H&M. She looked so adorable I had to lay her down and take a picture: 

(Pardon her silly facial expression! Lol. Also please excuse the drool on her onesie - she's teething!)

As Mara was laying there refusing to smile for a picture for me, Abby and Jax came in.  They hate it when she cries, especially Jaxxie!  He always rushes around all worried, as if to say, "oh no! The baby is crying! What ever could be the matter?" She wasn't exactly crying but she was fussing a little, so the frenchies came running to the rescue!  The following pictures are ones I snapped while the dogs did their best to fix whatever was bothering Mara. I'd say they succeeded, what do you think?

First Jax came in..

...and got all up in her business!

Then Abigail arrived.

Abby decided to have a heart to heart with little miss:

I don't know what she said to her but it sure must've been interesting! Mara was all ears (actually, Abby is! Lol!)

Love that one! 

Then Jax came back over. (Mara looks indignant.)

"Well I never!"

Abby looked on as Jax played with Mara some more.

Oh he loves her!!!

I have vivid mental images of walking into Mara's room in a few years time and seeing Jax dressed up like a princess, having a tea party with Mara and loving every second of it.  I can picture her curled up inside a sheet-and-pillow fort, asleep, and Jax right beside her.  I can imagine him trapped under a laundry basket while she pretends to be the lion tamer (and he's the lion of course.) I'm sure they'll share many PB&J sandwiches, and his favorite place to be will be asleep at the foot of her bed.  I'm sure I'll see her drag him around by the neck, and I'm equally as sure he won't mind at all!  I would bet that when she learns to stand up, he'll be one of the first  things she uses to pull herself up, her little hands grabbing his neck rolls for stability.  And there'll be no place he'd rather be than right by his girl. :) 

Lump

So after 2 days of mastitis I've found a lump.  Joy!  Not sure if it's a plugged duct or what but it hurts like hell when I touch it.  Actually it hurts all the time.  It's small and hard. How am I going to teach Zumba and aqua fit?? It'll hurt to jump!  Ugh!!! So annoying. I really don't have time for this! >:( 

Anyway here's some picture lol 

Mara and mommy chillin' 

My socks hardly could have matched any less! Haha #dontcare ;)

Another action shot - this time of me teaching Zumba! :) 3.7.15

Living dangerously wearing earrings with a 3 1/2 month old! 

Cute little miss after her bath 

The bulldogs love Mara :)

3 coffees and a breast milk. To go!