Friday, November 18, 2016
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Another Brain Dump Post
Gosh you guys, I'm sure sorry for all the brain dump posts these days. But my head is so full of stuff that I have to get it out somehow. Writing it out helps, for whatever reason, and although it may be boring, that is the purpose of this blog. I am a real person with real struggles and day to day crap to deal with. So this is my life. Broadcasted out via my blog. It is what it is.
1) Work. Since passing my exam, I've been taking steps to secure a job as a personal trainer. On Wednesday night I spoke to the training director at one of my gyms and got the ball rolling, so to speak, on potentially working there. It was fortuitous that I started talking to him that night because he said he's in need of a female trainer by the 1st of January. So he's going to talk to his boss and then get back to me. I'm still waiting for my certificate to come in the mail so I'll have my Cert ID #. Without it I can't apply for jobs. So I have to wait a little bit longer, but that's okay. In the meantime I'll brush up on my skills and prepare for my interview. Not too stressful there.
2) Money. There's really never enough of it. Try as I might to make it stretch, my account balance goes lower and lower all the time. It's tough this time of year. Car insurance and property taxes both fall in November every year. I think that's cruel. Right at the time of needing to do holiday shopping, BAM! You have to shell out a few grand for property taxes and car insurance. Lame! And we have the added expense of Mara's birthday this month. More on that in a minute.
3) Food. I would consider myself "recovering." Not "recovered," not "in recovery," but "recoverING." For me, it's a constant process. There is no end destination, at least not that I'm aware of. I am constantly fighting negative self-talk, negative body image, urges to restrict or over-exercise. I am not always successful. I'm pretty good about not restricting, but the over-exercising part is where I sometimes slip up. It's just so easy to over-exercise when you work in a GYM. Multiple gyms, in fact. It's just so easy to go 20, 30, 45 minutes before class and hop on the elliptical or treadmill. It's so easy to stay 15 minutes after class and do a weights routine. To say nothing of teaching Zumba and dancing in front of a wall of mirrors for an hour, once or twice per day. There's no shortage of sub jobs for me to pick up, so I can end up teaching 10 or more classes in a week. No problem.
Is this healthy? Yes and no. I know many other instructors who do similar things and who don't have eating disorders (as far as I'm aware). Now, I can't tell you what goes on in their minds, but from the outside looking in, they seem okay. Healthy. "Normal" even. But who knows? Maybe the reason they're doing extra workouts and sub jobs is because they want to go out for Taco Tuesday with their friends and drink a bunch of margaritas? Or maybe it's because they had a fight with their spouse that morning and need to blow off the steam. Or maybe they're frustrated about the political situation in the USA right now (God knows I understand that) and have to take it out somewhere. The point is, there are many reasons for exercising more than the "normal" amount on any given day, not necessarily related to an eating disorder, but I can't sit here and tell you that MY reason is anything other than ED related. I'd be lying.
All I can say for sure about this is that a) my weight is stable and fine, b) I'm not getting a ton of comments from others about needing to eat more (which was happening before) and c) I'm able to keep up with Mara and all my other daily activities without too much trouble. Some caffeine supplementation is necessary most days. Lol!
4) Holidays. Unlike many people with eating disorders, I actually LOVE the holidays. I love Thanksgiving. It doesn't cause me too much stress. I don't find that I feel as though I've overeaten on Thanksgiving. I really couldn't tell you why that is, as Thanksgiving is often a huge stressor for people with eating disorders. At any rate, Thanksgiving this year is going to be a little..... interesting.
Without going into too much detail (for privacy reasons), I will gloss over the situation. The current plan is to have my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law (whom I like!) and my brother-in-law (whom I also like!) here at our house for Thanksgiving, obviously in addition to Corky, Mara and me. It's not too big of a deal. My MIL and BIL will hopefully do most of the cooking. My BIL is actually an awesome cook and always makes "Kate Food" for me (meaning mashed cauliflower and steamed green beans instead of mashed potatoes and green bean casserole).
The bigger issue is Mara's birthday, which falls the day before Thanksgiving this year. I've told my family (in-laws included) that Mara will only be getting a "big" party every 4 years. On the other years, such as this year, she will get a small, family-only party including dinner and cake, ONE gift that everyone can contribute to, and then ONE small outing with a friend or two that does NOT include gifts or cake. An example of that would be going to the Children's Museum or OMSI with a school friend or our neighbor who is a year older than Mara.
Well, my MIL seems to be having a hard time grasping the fact that I don't want her to get Mara anything else aside from contributing to the big gift. The big gift this year is a playhouse with a slide, and it's going to go in the garage because Oregon is too wet to have it out back in the wintertime. So we need to buy those rubbery mats that you see on the floors of gyms to go underneath it. My parents have bought the playhouse, so my MIL, BIL, Corky and I will contribute to the floor mats. Well, that's apparently not sufficient for MIL who keeps asking me what else to buy Mara for her birthday. I'm getting annoyed and keep telling her "nothing!" but she doesn't seem to believe me! Lol. Guess I'll have to keep working on that.
On the plus side... I've had a bit of free time since not having to study anymore. My house is the cleanest and most organized I think it's ever been! So there's that!
1) Work. Since passing my exam, I've been taking steps to secure a job as a personal trainer. On Wednesday night I spoke to the training director at one of my gyms and got the ball rolling, so to speak, on potentially working there. It was fortuitous that I started talking to him that night because he said he's in need of a female trainer by the 1st of January. So he's going to talk to his boss and then get back to me. I'm still waiting for my certificate to come in the mail so I'll have my Cert ID #. Without it I can't apply for jobs. So I have to wait a little bit longer, but that's okay. In the meantime I'll brush up on my skills and prepare for my interview. Not too stressful there.
2) Money. There's really never enough of it. Try as I might to make it stretch, my account balance goes lower and lower all the time. It's tough this time of year. Car insurance and property taxes both fall in November every year. I think that's cruel. Right at the time of needing to do holiday shopping, BAM! You have to shell out a few grand for property taxes and car insurance. Lame! And we have the added expense of Mara's birthday this month. More on that in a minute.
3) Food. I would consider myself "recovering." Not "recovered," not "in recovery," but "recoverING." For me, it's a constant process. There is no end destination, at least not that I'm aware of. I am constantly fighting negative self-talk, negative body image, urges to restrict or over-exercise. I am not always successful. I'm pretty good about not restricting, but the over-exercising part is where I sometimes slip up. It's just so easy to over-exercise when you work in a GYM. Multiple gyms, in fact. It's just so easy to go 20, 30, 45 minutes before class and hop on the elliptical or treadmill. It's so easy to stay 15 minutes after class and do a weights routine. To say nothing of teaching Zumba and dancing in front of a wall of mirrors for an hour, once or twice per day. There's no shortage of sub jobs for me to pick up, so I can end up teaching 10 or more classes in a week. No problem.
Is this healthy? Yes and no. I know many other instructors who do similar things and who don't have eating disorders (as far as I'm aware). Now, I can't tell you what goes on in their minds, but from the outside looking in, they seem okay. Healthy. "Normal" even. But who knows? Maybe the reason they're doing extra workouts and sub jobs is because they want to go out for Taco Tuesday with their friends and drink a bunch of margaritas? Or maybe it's because they had a fight with their spouse that morning and need to blow off the steam. Or maybe they're frustrated about the political situation in the USA right now (God knows I understand that) and have to take it out somewhere. The point is, there are many reasons for exercising more than the "normal" amount on any given day, not necessarily related to an eating disorder, but I can't sit here and tell you that MY reason is anything other than ED related. I'd be lying.
All I can say for sure about this is that a) my weight is stable and fine, b) I'm not getting a ton of comments from others about needing to eat more (which was happening before) and c) I'm able to keep up with Mara and all my other daily activities without too much trouble. Some caffeine supplementation is necessary most days. Lol!
4) Holidays. Unlike many people with eating disorders, I actually LOVE the holidays. I love Thanksgiving. It doesn't cause me too much stress. I don't find that I feel as though I've overeaten on Thanksgiving. I really couldn't tell you why that is, as Thanksgiving is often a huge stressor for people with eating disorders. At any rate, Thanksgiving this year is going to be a little..... interesting.
Without going into too much detail (for privacy reasons), I will gloss over the situation. The current plan is to have my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law (whom I like!) and my brother-in-law (whom I also like!) here at our house for Thanksgiving, obviously in addition to Corky, Mara and me. It's not too big of a deal. My MIL and BIL will hopefully do most of the cooking. My BIL is actually an awesome cook and always makes "Kate Food" for me (meaning mashed cauliflower and steamed green beans instead of mashed potatoes and green bean casserole).
The bigger issue is Mara's birthday, which falls the day before Thanksgiving this year. I've told my family (in-laws included) that Mara will only be getting a "big" party every 4 years. On the other years, such as this year, she will get a small, family-only party including dinner and cake, ONE gift that everyone can contribute to, and then ONE small outing with a friend or two that does NOT include gifts or cake. An example of that would be going to the Children's Museum or OMSI with a school friend or our neighbor who is a year older than Mara.
Well, my MIL seems to be having a hard time grasping the fact that I don't want her to get Mara anything else aside from contributing to the big gift. The big gift this year is a playhouse with a slide, and it's going to go in the garage because Oregon is too wet to have it out back in the wintertime. So we need to buy those rubbery mats that you see on the floors of gyms to go underneath it. My parents have bought the playhouse, so my MIL, BIL, Corky and I will contribute to the floor mats. Well, that's apparently not sufficient for MIL who keeps asking me what else to buy Mara for her birthday. I'm getting annoyed and keep telling her "nothing!" but she doesn't seem to believe me! Lol. Guess I'll have to keep working on that.
On the plus side... I've had a bit of free time since not having to study anymore. My house is the cleanest and most organized I think it's ever been! So there's that!
Friday, November 11, 2016
Pass
I literally cannot talk about the election right now. Maybe eventually, but first I would need to be able to come up with WORDS for it.
However, I can tell you.... I passed my exam! So there's that.
It's Friday. THANK GOD. This has been the longest, toughest week I've had in years. Please excuse me while I go hide in a hole for 4 years.
However, I can tell you.... I passed my exam! So there's that.
It's Friday. THANK GOD. This has been the longest, toughest week I've had in years. Please excuse me while I go hide in a hole for 4 years.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
One Down
One down, two to go.
CPR/AED/First Aid.... CHECK!
USA Election...... pending.
CPT Exam.... pending.
CPR/AED/First Aid.... CHECK!
USA Election...... pending.
CPT Exam.... pending.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Quiet
I've been quiet. It's not that I don't have anything to say... I do... it's just that I don't think anyone's listening. Maybe I'm just feeling underappreciated in other aspects of my life and it's bleeding over into the blogisphere/youtubesphere, but there you have it. I feel like I'm talking to walls all day.
There are so many things stressing me out that I don't even know where to begin. And who cares anyway? Why do I even write this blog? Why have I kept up this same thing for all these years?? I don't even know. I guess maybe I just tell myself that someone somewhere someday is going to read it and feel like they're not the ONLY one.. same as my YouTube channel. It feels ridiculous, at this moment, to think that anyone would care what's going on in my daily life.
That being said, writing things out helps. It gets it off my chest. It doesn't work the same, for some reason, to stand alone in a room and talk to myself. I guess because I feel like I'm talking to myself all day even when amongst people, but here on the internet.... well... I can tell myself, sure, people are reading this... and I can believe it because I don't know one way or the other. I don't know whether to believe it or not, so I'll just believe it.
1) Personal Trainer Exam. Wednesday, November 9, 2016 at 9:00AM. This is it. This is what I've been studying for the past SIX months for. It all comes down to this. A 90 minute test. I don't know whether I'll know that day if I passed or if they'll make me wait. The study guide is not helpful because it seems to be for a different edition of the book than the one I have. So I'm just flying blind, really. I've never taken an exam like this before. No study guide, no map. Just me, a giant text book, and 180 days. The organization through which I'm taking the exam is known for having the most challenging test in the industry. That being said, it's accredited and it'll look good on my resume to have it. So that's that.
2) Election. I'm not going to get into politics because, as I may have mentioned before, it makes me want to SCREAM. But. Neither candidate is good, in my opinion, but a 3rd party vote is not an option. So I voted. But I'm extremely nervous. No matter who wins it's going to be a scary 4 years. Seriously. What a shit show. Nearly 320 million people in the United States and these are the best candidates we could come up with?! How did this happen? And the weird thing is, everyone I talk to is like, how the hell did this happen? So if nobody knows how this happened, then when the hell actually HAPPENED here?
3) Frank. I cannot housebreak him. I love him to bits but... he's ruining my house. We've tried everything... trainers, treats, sprays to deter him, positive reinforcement, kenneling... you name it. Either he doesn't care at all or he's the densest dog that ever lived. I'm not sure which is worse...
4) Full House. Due to circumstances that I'll not go into on here, I've got a house full of people for the foreseeable future. In addition to myself, Corky, Mara, Abby and Frank, I've got an additional 2 adults and 1 dog. We have only 4 bedrooms... if you do the math you can ascertain that all of them are filled. That means 2 more people's worth of showers (and water bill), electricity (and the corresponding bill), groceries (which, interestingly, no one else seems keen on replacing...) and noise at all hours of the day and night as people rumble around before dawn getting ready for work. And that's not even mentioning the 3 extra sets of muddy footprints that decorate my floors on a daily basis because we live in Oregon where the ground is basically mud from about October to June. And wouldn't you know it, I appear to be the only person in the place that knows how to use a vacuum and mop....
5) Money. There's never enough of it. My bank account is dwindling and my car so rudely keeps needing gasoline and our fridge has the audacity to keep needing to be stocked. It's ridiculous.. I feel like I should get a mulligan or a freebie or something because half the meals I make for Mara she turns her nose up at (despite the fact that she herself requested that very meal just minutes before) so they either get dumped into the garbage or Frank gets ahold of them.
Hi, I'm a mom and my hobbies include making food that no one eats, talking to myself and stepping on legos all day long.
I'm not trying to make this post into one big bitch-fest but... damn... I'm feeling beaten down. Mara's behavior is a whole other thing but I don't feel like getting into that just now............
There are so many things stressing me out that I don't even know where to begin. And who cares anyway? Why do I even write this blog? Why have I kept up this same thing for all these years?? I don't even know. I guess maybe I just tell myself that someone somewhere someday is going to read it and feel like they're not the ONLY one.. same as my YouTube channel. It feels ridiculous, at this moment, to think that anyone would care what's going on in my daily life.
That being said, writing things out helps. It gets it off my chest. It doesn't work the same, for some reason, to stand alone in a room and talk to myself. I guess because I feel like I'm talking to myself all day even when amongst people, but here on the internet.... well... I can tell myself, sure, people are reading this... and I can believe it because I don't know one way or the other. I don't know whether to believe it or not, so I'll just believe it.
1) Personal Trainer Exam. Wednesday, November 9, 2016 at 9:00AM. This is it. This is what I've been studying for the past SIX months for. It all comes down to this. A 90 minute test. I don't know whether I'll know that day if I passed or if they'll make me wait. The study guide is not helpful because it seems to be for a different edition of the book than the one I have. So I'm just flying blind, really. I've never taken an exam like this before. No study guide, no map. Just me, a giant text book, and 180 days. The organization through which I'm taking the exam is known for having the most challenging test in the industry. That being said, it's accredited and it'll look good on my resume to have it. So that's that.
2) Election. I'm not going to get into politics because, as I may have mentioned before, it makes me want to SCREAM. But. Neither candidate is good, in my opinion, but a 3rd party vote is not an option. So I voted. But I'm extremely nervous. No matter who wins it's going to be a scary 4 years. Seriously. What a shit show. Nearly 320 million people in the United States and these are the best candidates we could come up with?! How did this happen? And the weird thing is, everyone I talk to is like, how the hell did this happen? So if nobody knows how this happened, then when the hell actually HAPPENED here?
3) Frank. I cannot housebreak him. I love him to bits but... he's ruining my house. We've tried everything... trainers, treats, sprays to deter him, positive reinforcement, kenneling... you name it. Either he doesn't care at all or he's the densest dog that ever lived. I'm not sure which is worse...
4) Full House. Due to circumstances that I'll not go into on here, I've got a house full of people for the foreseeable future. In addition to myself, Corky, Mara, Abby and Frank, I've got an additional 2 adults and 1 dog. We have only 4 bedrooms... if you do the math you can ascertain that all of them are filled. That means 2 more people's worth of showers (and water bill), electricity (and the corresponding bill), groceries (which, interestingly, no one else seems keen on replacing...) and noise at all hours of the day and night as people rumble around before dawn getting ready for work. And that's not even mentioning the 3 extra sets of muddy footprints that decorate my floors on a daily basis because we live in Oregon where the ground is basically mud from about October to June. And wouldn't you know it, I appear to be the only person in the place that knows how to use a vacuum and mop....
5) Money. There's never enough of it. My bank account is dwindling and my car so rudely keeps needing gasoline and our fridge has the audacity to keep needing to be stocked. It's ridiculous.. I feel like I should get a mulligan or a freebie or something because half the meals I make for Mara she turns her nose up at (despite the fact that she herself requested that very meal just minutes before) so they either get dumped into the garbage or Frank gets ahold of them.
Hi, I'm a mom and my hobbies include making food that no one eats, talking to myself and stepping on legos all day long.
I'm not trying to make this post into one big bitch-fest but... damn... I'm feeling beaten down. Mara's behavior is a whole other thing but I don't feel like getting into that just now............
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