TRIGGER WARNING!!!!! AND LANGUAGE WARNING!!!!!
I leave for Mexico on Saturday. It's Wednesday night. I just want to call a
TIME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need more time! I'm too fat to go to Mexico right now. I can't do it! I need more time to fucking starve so I can look okay in the bridesmaid dress, which by the way is crimson red. I'm going to look like a huge red balloon! I need more time to lose weight so I don't look like the fucking Pillsbury dough boy in the white (yes WHITE) bikini G asked us all to bring so that her aunt can bedazzle butt to say "bridesmaid" in rhinestones. I need more time to lose weight so I can feel OKAY IN MY BODY before I go to a place that's never below 80 degrees fahrenheit.
I can't do this. I can't fucking do this. I'm so fat I can't even stand it!
Mexico and my own wedding (namely my dress) is stressing me out so bad my shoulders, neck and upper back have been screaming in agony for the last several days. Or at least I'm assuming they've been doing it for the past several days, but I just started noticing last night. I'm not too good at paying attention to my body and all that. I was lying in bed last night and I suddenly said "ow! I hurt!!" and I had the distinct feeling that this was a pain I'd been having for a while, I just hadn't noticed it until right then.
If I actually think about trying on my wedding dress... like really stop and think about it... I will start to cry so hard I get the hiccups. I am just so. so. so. SCARED! I am so far beyond terrified that it's in a realm I've never experienced before. Never in my life have I been so scared. I know this sounds really irrational but I swear to God, if they say to me "oh I need to let this part out..." I will fall over dead. Dead. Right off that damn footstool. I know I won't actually die but that's what it feels like. I can't even think about it! I have to change the subject.. I'm getting that telltale lump in my throat.
Nothing is going right. I'm a fat cow and I hate it. I hate myself so much that I snap at people. I can't even deal with being in my own skin! And my dogs, for some reason, feel the need to lick and smack and chew on ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE THING IN THIS DAMN HOUSE!!!! (see my post called "Misophonia" for explanation on that.)
I need more time. I just need to lose weight. I can't be happy until I do. It sucks that this is the case, but it is and I can't do anything about it. I've tried. I've been to treatment seven fucking times and I'm still just as messed up as I've ever been. I will never recover. Some people just don't. That's me. I won't. I can't! It's not fair, but that's how it is. I give up! It's too hard! It's too fucking hard.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Silly Rabbit
Last August, Mexico was looming. That was good, actually. I think I lost weight there. I know I lost weight beforehand. It was a great trip and I can't wait to go back to Cabo.
In February, Los Angeles was looming. That turned out to be fine. More than fine, actually! I lost a bunch of weight and was ecstatic, not to mention it was a fun (albeit exhausting) weekend and I'll never forget it as long as I live.
In March, Las Vegas was looming. That turned out to be not-so-great. The scale did weird shit while I was there which caused me to feel the lowest I've felt in a long time. In the end it was okay but... I definitely could have done without that one horrendous night.
Now, Mexico is looming again. This time I don't know what to expect! I think I'm giant. I can't think about anything else. It makes me want to scream and scratch all my skin off. I feel so angry at myself that I can't seem to just not eat. What is wrong with me?? It's not like I'm eating a ton or anything... but I just want to eat nothing!!!! Why can't I do that?
I feel like eating disorders are the cruelest joke existing on the planet. It's like those damn carrots that they hang on a fishing pole, dangling it in front of some poor rabbit, making him hop and hop and hop forever and never get it. Like the Trix rabbit.
Silly rabbit.... Trix are for kids.
Just let him have the f*cking Trix! He's been working hard enough!
In February, Los Angeles was looming. That turned out to be fine. More than fine, actually! I lost a bunch of weight and was ecstatic, not to mention it was a fun (albeit exhausting) weekend and I'll never forget it as long as I live.
In March, Las Vegas was looming. That turned out to be not-so-great. The scale did weird shit while I was there which caused me to feel the lowest I've felt in a long time. In the end it was okay but... I definitely could have done without that one horrendous night.
Now, Mexico is looming again. This time I don't know what to expect! I think I'm giant. I can't think about anything else. It makes me want to scream and scratch all my skin off. I feel so angry at myself that I can't seem to just not eat. What is wrong with me?? It's not like I'm eating a ton or anything... but I just want to eat nothing!!!! Why can't I do that?
I feel like eating disorders are the cruelest joke existing on the planet. It's like those damn carrots that they hang on a fishing pole, dangling it in front of some poor rabbit, making him hop and hop and hop forever and never get it. Like the Trix rabbit.
Silly rabbit.... Trix are for kids.
Just let him have the f*cking Trix! He's been working hard enough!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
THE HORROR THE HORROR!
HORRORS HORRORS HORRORS HORRORS HORRORS!!!! THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY!!!! THIS IS THE SHIT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF PEOPLE!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Picture Dump - July 12
I know, I know, I'm sorry... 2nd post today... but here's the latest picture dump for ya. Enjoy my craziness!!!
Make that MORE than half my calories! :-/
Tired frenchies
Hi.
Lol Mama
Yep
Jaxxie appears to have a mustache!
After a 3 hour walk in the sun, this was sooooo nice!
Legs........ hmm.
Kate was HERE!
lol spooky forest
scary pita bread at Nicholas. And Corky is smiling weird.
<3
Video Editing and such
F-I-N-A-L-L-Y I got an app on my phone that will let me edit videos. Now I can make tutorials on stuff for youtube :D yay!!! I like to bake a lot so I'll probably make some videos that way. Hope it works!
If there is a recipe you would like me to make a tutorial on, please comment below and tell me what it is and if you have any special requests for it. I am a HORRENDOUS cook but I can bake very well. From scratch. Just about anything (except soufflés lol). So let me know. I can also accommodate gluten-free, allergies, intolerances, and paleo.
HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!! :D :D :D (smile!)
If there is a recipe you would like me to make a tutorial on, please comment below and tell me what it is and if you have any special requests for it. I am a HORRENDOUS cook but I can bake very well. From scratch. Just about anything (except soufflés lol). So let me know. I can also accommodate gluten-free, allergies, intolerances, and paleo.
HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!! :D :D :D (smile!)
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Still here!!
Hellooooo everyone!
I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this blog but... if you do, then you've noticed I've been gone a while. I suffered a pretty big "heartbreak" (not in my relationship to my fiancé but in another relationship. Think more like friend) and was unable to get my thoughts together to write on here. Things are still a little messy in my head, but I can at least write this:
don't forget about me!!!! I'm still here!!!!!
I'm sorry it's been ages. I could barely even make youtube videos!
I leave for Mexico for my bestie's wedding in 9 days. Her wedding is on my birthday, July 24. I feel HUMONGOUS and definitely need to lose weight before I go. I'm on my 2nd cup of green tea today and I ate an apple and a yogurt (about 150-160 cal total) and will hit the gym before I teach Zumba tonight. I need to do extra cardio and work on my abs a little. Hopefully I can drop some before the 20th. Keep your fingers crossed for me. :-/
I'm getting a new tattoo on the 29th. It's a big giant dreamcatcher and it's going on my outer right thigh. It's going to be pretty big and expensive, but it should be very beautiful. I told my parents I want tattoo money for my birthday (that and a Nike Fuelband.)
This song is stuck in my head today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCBIG28On0o
I think it's a pretty good one :) I do love Alanis Morissette. She was my favorite singer when I was like 8 and 9 years old. My parents did give in and buy me the album Jagged Little Pill. Which makes me laugh now because it has so many swear words on it! LOL!
Oh man... the bulldogs are growling. Corky is coming to get them and take them to the store at about 2 or 3. That cannot come soon enough. Although they're kind of funny running all over, and they keep slipping on the hardwood. :P
I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this blog but... if you do, then you've noticed I've been gone a while. I suffered a pretty big "heartbreak" (not in my relationship to my fiancé but in another relationship. Think more like friend) and was unable to get my thoughts together to write on here. Things are still a little messy in my head, but I can at least write this:
don't forget about me!!!! I'm still here!!!!!
I'm sorry it's been ages. I could barely even make youtube videos!
I leave for Mexico for my bestie's wedding in 9 days. Her wedding is on my birthday, July 24. I feel HUMONGOUS and definitely need to lose weight before I go. I'm on my 2nd cup of green tea today and I ate an apple and a yogurt (about 150-160 cal total) and will hit the gym before I teach Zumba tonight. I need to do extra cardio and work on my abs a little. Hopefully I can drop some before the 20th. Keep your fingers crossed for me. :-/
I'm getting a new tattoo on the 29th. It's a big giant dreamcatcher and it's going on my outer right thigh. It's going to be pretty big and expensive, but it should be very beautiful. I told my parents I want tattoo money for my birthday (that and a Nike Fuelband.)
This song is stuck in my head today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCBIG28On0o
I think it's a pretty good one :) I do love Alanis Morissette. She was my favorite singer when I was like 8 and 9 years old. My parents did give in and buy me the album Jagged Little Pill. Which makes me laugh now because it has so many swear words on it! LOL!
Oh man... the bulldogs are growling. Corky is coming to get them and take them to the store at about 2 or 3. That cannot come soon enough. Although they're kind of funny running all over, and they keep slipping on the hardwood. :P
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