Time Out

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!! AND LANGUAGE WARNING!!!!!

I leave for Mexico on Saturday.  It's Wednesday night.  I just want to call a 

TIME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need more time!  I'm too fat to go to Mexico right now.  I can't do it!  I need more time to fucking starve so I can look okay in the bridesmaid dress, which by the way is crimson red.  I'm going to look like a huge red balloon!  I need more time to lose weight so I don't look like the fucking Pillsbury dough boy in the white (yes WHITE) bikini G asked us all to bring so that her aunt can bedazzle butt to say "bridesmaid" in rhinestones.  I need more time to lose weight so I can feel OKAY IN MY BODY before I go to a place that's never below 80 degrees fahrenheit.  

I can't do this.  I can't fucking do this.  I'm so fat I can't even stand it!

Mexico and my own wedding (namely my dress) is stressing me out so bad my shoulders, neck and upper back have been screaming in agony for the last several days.  Or at least I'm assuming they've been doing it for the past several days, but I just started noticing last night.  I'm not too good at paying attention to my body and all that.  I was lying in bed last night and I suddenly said "ow!  I hurt!!" and I had the distinct feeling that this was a pain I'd been having for a while, I just hadn't noticed it until right then.

If I actually think about trying on my wedding dress... like really stop and think about it... I will start to cry so hard I get the hiccups.  I am just so. so. so. SCARED!  I am so far beyond terrified that it's in a realm I've never experienced before.  Never in my life have I been so scared.  I know this sounds really irrational but I swear to God, if they say to me "oh I need to let this part out..." I will fall over dead.  Dead.  Right off that damn footstool.  I know I won't actually die but that's what it feels like.  I can't even think about it!  I have to change the subject.. I'm getting that telltale lump in my throat.

Nothing is going right.  I'm a fat cow and I hate it.  I hate myself so much that I snap at people.  I can't even deal with being in my own skin!  And my dogs, for some reason, feel the need to lick and smack and chew on ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE THING IN THIS DAMN HOUSE!!!! (see my post called "Misophonia" for explanation on that.)

I need more time.  I just need to lose weight.  I can't be happy until I do.  It sucks that this is the case, but it is and I can't do anything about it.  I've tried.  I've been to treatment seven fucking times and I'm still just as messed up as I've ever been.  I will never recover.  Some people just don't.  That's me.  I won't.  I can't!  It's not fair, but that's how it is.  I give up! It's too hard!  It's too fucking hard.