This is for my airplane-loving friends. Apparently, these are true, not made up.
It really makes me laugh because I can imagine these things being said in the ever-present deadpan you hear on the frequencies. I laughed so hard I cried.
Enjoy! (taken from b737.org)
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Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is.
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LH741: Tower, give me a rough time-check!
Tower: It's Tuesday, sir.
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Pilot: ...Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
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Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches.
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Eggenfelden Info: D-EXXX please report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (a Cessna-172): Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to a stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog?
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A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"
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ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2 o'clock, 500 feet below you.
Piper N 4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us...
ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.
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ATC: N123YZ, say altitude.
N123YZ: ALTITUDE!
ATC: N123YZ, say airspeed.
N123YZ: AIRSPEED!
ATC: N123YZ, say cancel IFR.
N123YZ: Eight thousand feet, one hundred and fifty knots indicated.
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Lady Radar Controller: Can I turn you on at 7 miles?
Airline captain: Madam, you can try.
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Tower: Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open.
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at your APU door.
Tower: Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff.
Captain: Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX.
Tower, during the takeoff roll: Airline XXX, ahh... it appears that your APU door is leaking luggage...
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
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Tower: Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7.
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff; did you copy the report from Eastern?
Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.
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O'Hare Approach Control: United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker-27, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound.
United 329: Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight.
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (callsign Speedbird 206) after landing:
Speedbird 206: Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.
Ground: Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?
Speedbird206: Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have. In 1944. In another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop.
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LOL!!!!!!!
Aaaaand here's a random picture of me in the mirror: perhaps one shade less pasty than before. Thanks Mexico! XO
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