Please see part 1 for disclaimer and description. Week 5 of treatment at Kartini Clinic.
*All the pictures that are inserted in this entry are inserted at the spot in the journal where they were drawn. :)
Mon, Oct 29, 2007
I hate Mondays. They suck. On the plus side, Dr. O(k) is really nice. She understands that the eating disorder isn't my fault. Oh, let's be retarded like P(k) and write down Monday goal setting categories!
Monday Goal Setting
-Health
-Education
-Nutrition
-Spiritual
-Relationships
-Financial
-Entertainment
-Creative
-Communication
-Recovery
I'm feeling very weak. And tired. I wonder what would happen if I passed out. Would anybody care at all?
I am not a weird freak like P(k) that needs to do Monday goal setting. Ugh! She just smacked! I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE FUCKING SMACK THEIR FUCKING LIPS ITS SO STUPID!
I really just want to go to sleep right now. I would give anything to be at home in my bed. I wish I lived in Russia.
Let's see... how many days in the 10 weeks of treatment. 10 weeks of 4 days a week is 40 days. So this is the beginning of my 5th week. So 5,6,7,8,9,10 is 6 weeks of 4 days makes 24 days left. I will do the countdown thing. Like I used to in high school.
OMG I'm soooooo tired!
Why does weird freak P(k) always have to chew gum? She looks retarded. Not to mention gum makes people smack.
I don't think I will finish this journal during treatment. I remember in high school it would take me like 2 weeks to finish a notebook this size. If I hope to finish this journal I better start writing in it a lot more often than I've been doing!
I (heart) autumn! But I (heart) winter even more, especially when it snows. But too bad that doesn't happen very often here in Oregon. It doesn't really snow, it just slushes mostly. :(
Oh dear me! L is reading her bible again.
Why do people have to keep asking me about my art? I'm sick of P(k) asking retarded questions like "who drew this?" and "is that a Griffin on that blue shield? Whose is that?" She's such an ugly weird freak.
Still Monday
Oh joy. R(k) is here. She's weird, like P(k). I wonder if this day will fly by. Doubtful!
R(k) spouts stuff about the meal plan just like Dr. O(k).
Wed, Oct 31, 2007
Happy Halloween! It's the day of haunting. I wonder if the clinic has any ghosts...? I don't feel like there's any here.
There is no way in hell I'm gonna be able to finish this notebook by the end of treatment. But I will try.
I feel quite depressed. I am so humongous and fat. I hate myself. I miss being skinny. God I'm so freaking tired! I want to go home and go to sleep! Bijou was cute this morning, she climbed up the ladder but she was afraid of it. LOL. She's so cute. I (heart) her. And Muma is cute when I turn the lights on. She always looks down.
I wonder if I have J(k) today...?
Gawd I'm soooooo sleepy! I don't now why I'm so tired, I get plenty of sleep. I think it doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I think it's just getting up early.
P(k) is a weird freak, like I've said 8,000 times before. She wears hiking boot shoes! And khakis every day. So lame. And she wears her glasses on a string around her neck. And she uses one of those tiny little binders as a journal. How retarded! And her hair is a huge mouse brown puffball.
Still Halloween
We are doing DBT. L(k) is here. She's so awesome.
I really feel like going swimming. I think today I will see if we can carve pumpkins and then go swimming. Maybe my mom will come with me...
Heehee, even though my mom looks so funny in the water. So does my dad.
I have J(k) at 11:00 but I believe she will come at 11:15. It is almost 11:00 now, so there is like 4 hours and 45 minutes or less left until we get to go home.
LOL L(k) can't spell. She just wrote "loosing" instead of "losing" and earlier she wrote "where" instead of "wear." Funny funny.
Thursday, Nov 1, 2007
I'm so miserable. I hate life so much right now. I just want to go to sleep. When I asleep I don't feel anything. Last night I dreamed about my birthmother. She didn't want to talk to me. Kind of like in reality. Huh. Oh well.
Today's agenda goes like this:
-vitals
-breakfast
-journal
-check-in group
-art therapy
-milieu
-lunch
-multimedia
-bodyworks
-snack
-milieu
-dinner outing
Apparently we are going to McMenamins for the dinner outing tonight. I wishI would see a ghost.
I need to go home and go swimming. Soooo badly! I hate this place, I hate coming here every day. I'm only halfway done with this terrible ordeal! I don't think I'm going to make it through. I want to go home.
I have family therapy today at 2 with L(k). I hope it will be better than with G(k). G(k) told us he has a twin brother.
I'm so depressed my hand can barely clutch the pen. I just want to go to sleep. I can't even move. I think I'm literally dying of depression.
God P(k) is so fucking ugly! She is wearing the same pants, socks and shoes as yesterday. That's so retarded. And a lime green sweater. Hideous!
I want to go back to the hospital.
Friday, Nov 2, 2007
Apparently we are going to construct a giant cardboard castle in the place. That should be interesting.
OMG P(k) just started singing "Venus... Goddess of Looooooove" in this terrible voice. That was so frightening, I may never recover.
I can't remember what I dreamed about last night.
People are freakily excited about this stupid castle. It's really not that big of a deal.
Why am I so flippin' tired?! I'm practically falling asleep here! It's ridiculous, it's not like I'm only getting 2 or 3 hours of sleep per night. I have no idea why I'm so tired.
I must go swimming again tonight. I must go every day in addition to seeing F, if that even happens!
My eyebrow stubble is getting quite prickly. OMG it was sooooo hilarious the other day. M and I were making fun of K and D and we were talking about how hairy K is and M made up the funniest nickname, which I can't write here. It was soooo funny. I was cracking up.
Sheesh my eyes really don't want to stay open! I wish I was at home so I could go to sleep.
Why does this stupid place have to start so early?! I don't want to close my eyes cuz I know I'll fall asleep and I hate doing that here. Cuz then I have to wake up and I'm all groggy.
Reflection: Well.. in hindsight I know why I was so tired. 3 reasons. 1) It was freakin' early. 2) The meds I was on caused SEVERE drowsiness and 3) I was super depressed.
I sensed a lot of anger in these entries. Saying the word "retarded" a lot. That's not how I typically was (or am.) If I was calling someone that repeatedly I must have been very, VERY upset with that person. I'm not sure why I target P(k) so much. She was a really odd person but not deserving of being called "a weird freak" or "retarded."
I was so, so mad. Nobody was listening to me and I was stuck. To this day I hate feeling stuck.
Oftentimes I am really shocked at what happened in Kartini clinic. It doesn't seem right. It wasn't right! I call it being "food-raped." I don't toss around that R-word for sure! I've also noticed that when I get on tough topics I'm quick to jump to a safe one, like saying "I miss Bijou" or "I'm so tired." I really was tired and I really did miss Bijou but I think I also didn't want to touch those difficult topics. It's really interesting for me to read this. Breaks my heart too, though.
Please see Part 1 for disclaimers and explanation. This post will contain 2 weeks worth of journal entries because I only wrote twice the first week, but several times the next.
Wed, Oct 17, 2007
I really just want to go home right now. I have to see J(k) [the physical therapist] in like 5 minutes. Joy. Not. I don't feel like doing any kind of physical therapy right now. I'm so sleepy. I just want to curl up on the downstairs couch with the fireplace on and sleep and pretend I'm in Russia and it's snowing outside. Stupid treatment. I totally don't want to be here. I miss Bijou.
Thurs, Oct 18, 2007
Well, breakfast had an interesting conversation going on. It was about religion. The Christian religion vs. the Jehovah's witness. It got quite heated. I found the whole thing rather uncomfortable.
Anyhoo, I got moved up to Phase 2 yesterday. L(k) told me after DBT yesterday. It was quite exciting. Next step: Phase 3.
K and J broke up. Yes and 3 times YES! Although poor K is crying. But at least now she understands what she put me through. What goes around does indeed come around. Karma's a bitch.
Merde. I have family therapy today. I really don't like G(k). I think I will ask J(k) if there is a possibility I can switch family therapists. That would be a welcome relief.
Ouch. My head hurts. I believe L is writing a prayer in her journal. Probably praying for D to convert from Jehovah's witness. Fat chance. Today is a long day and a dinner outing. Joy.
Mon, Oct 22, 2007
Brrr! I'm cold.
Well, I don't know what to write about. As usual.
My eating disorder feels very strong these days. I'm just counting the days till I get out of here so I can relapse. I can't wait to lose all this damn weight! I wish it would hurry up.
E is so lucky. This Thursday is her last day. I have to be here until freakin' December! I don't see how I'll make it. Ugh today is a long long day. It's 9:10 right now. 9 hours and 50 minutes left til I can go home.
For some reason I just starting thinking of Russia. That was such a fun trip. Evne though my dad didn't really like it. I did. I loved it.
Little Bijou had a yawning fit yesterday. She's so cute. I (heart) her.
I just looked out the window and saw a fat lady in her car.
Omg I was so triggered on Saturday night. R has lost so much weight! She's skinnier than me now. It's so unfair, I hate her for it.
Weird! P(k) is chewing gum and drinking coffee or tea or something. I somehow can't imagine those 2 flavors mixing well.
I felt slightly triggered a little bit ago cuz I saw one of D's modeling headshots. Everything in the world is triggering right now. I just want my ED back. It's so not fair! I hate Kartini Clinic and Dr. O. Cuz they made this dumb guardianship thing a condition for me and not for anyone else in CA [college age] group. It's so lame!
I hate doing Monday goals, so I'm just not gonna do it. I don't feel like setting goals. Just like I never do New Years resolutions. I believe that if youthink too much about goals and shit, it just makes it easier to break them.
The fat lady is gone from her car at this point. She was gross.
Now it is 9:20. 9 hours and 40 minutes left now. :( Sooooo long!
I'm very tired. Goodnight!
1:35pm
This work is so hard! I'm resorting to my old habit of writing so that I don't have to sit and stare at nothing while my brain gets dissected by CBT group. Joyousness!
I wish I could be skinny again cuz then I could be a model like D used to be.
When Mary-Kate Olsen had an ED she didn't have to be under her parents guardianship! It's so unfair!
LOL R(k) just said "strung out" haha! I did not know she knew about that.
1:50pm
I cannot wait to get out of this hellhole! It's totally not helping me. I just want go back in time. I would never have come to this awful place. I would just be living with M like we used to, and everything would be fine. I miss my life. I want my life back. I would do anything to be abck with my ED. My "yes finger" keeps twitching. I don't know why. :-|
I want to go home! It's 1:55. 4 hours and 5 mins left, yes thank goodness. I remember writing this morning and saying I had like 9 hours and some left to go.
R(k) KEEPS INTERRUPTING ME! I'M SO ANNOYED! GRRR! I hate to be interrupted.
God damn this place is awful. I'm never coming back. I swear up and down I'm never coming back to this awful awful place.
R(k) is here. Thank heavens. This horrible group is over.
I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE! I HATE THE WORLD, I'M SO MAD! I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE! PLEASE GOD LET ME GO BE WITH BABUSHKA AND DYEDUSHKA. I DON'T WANT TO BE ON THIS LIFE ON THIS EARTH ANYMORE. I WANT TO GO WHERE THE ANGELS ARE BECAUSE THERE IS NO PAIN IN THAT PLACE. IT IS HAPPY AND PEACEFUL AND THE TOTAL OPPOSITE OF THIS LIFE.
Wed, Oct 24, 2007
I'm very grumpy today. I am very tired of coming to this place. I have to get started on my crest soon. Doing homework is getting quite annoying. Although I guess I'd rather do homework like this than math homework.
H's Halloween party is this coming Saturday. So far we have like 11 people coming. That'll be quite a turn out!
Right now it is 9:13am. I have J(k) any minute now. I don't like the one on one appointments with J(k). Not that I don't like her, I just doing like individual PT. :( Especially not when I'm really tired.
I totally don't feel like anyone ever listens to me here. I've said that I want a new family therapist like 6,000 times, but nothing ever comes of it. And I said I wanted a new individual therapist too. Plus every single day I say that this place isn't helping me, but still nobody listens!!! I just keep getting interrupted. It's so retarded.
Speaking of retarded, last night M and I watched the South Park movie. It was pretty funny. I remember watching that with J. I don't like the show South Park but I do like the movie. I don't know why that is.
Thurs, Oct 25, 2007
Today is E's last day. In a way I'm glad cuz now I will almost definitely be the slowest eater in the group.
Today we are going to get Mexican food take-out and watch The Sixth Sense, which I brought. It should be fun. It's been a while since I saw that movie.
Oh joyousness. We have bodyworks group today. That is totally not my favorite group we have. AND I have family therapy too. I wonder if I could just refuse to go. I would so rather do D(k)'s group instead of FT.
I swear nobody listens to me in this retarded place. I've been saying for ages that I want to switch family therapists but nobody seems to care. :( It's very annoying. Whatever.
I still don't feel like this place is helping me at all. I just want my ED back so badly. God, I don't ask for much. Please just let me naturally be skinny like C.J. Speaking of that name, I remember in 8th grade, J.J. once freaked out when someone commented on how skinny she was. I bet that was because she had an eating disorder.
I wish I could say I still had my physical ED, but now that I'm so incredibly fat and huge, I cannot. :(
Yesterday, M said she wants to go home for Thanksgiving. I told her to go. I guess I'm okay with that. I wish I could go too.
P(k) is so ugly. And stupid. Just like my mom. I'm very sleepy.
Fri, Oct 26, 2007
I'm so glad it's Friday! I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow. Although I don't know how much sleeping in I'll bea ble to do, cuz tomorrow is H's Halloween party. There's like 16 kids, including H, who are gonna be there. And half are boys!
It's so adorable, my sister has a crush on Q.S. So cute!
I'm tired of journaling. I have plenty to talk about but I don't want to think about it, which you have to do in order to write about it.
It's approximately 9:15am. 6 hours and 15 minutes left until 3:30, but then I have B(k) until 4:30. Grrreat. :(
My feet are cold and I want to go to sleep. Sleep would be so nice right now. In my own bed. Near the birds. I (heart) Bijou.
So there are weeks 3 and 4 at Kartini. It was really sad for me to transcribe these because I see myself saying "nobody is listening." And that's the real truth. Nobody was listening! Now my dad apologizes all the time for not listening to me about this. But it doesn't undo what happened. They were putting weight on me so fast at this time... I can't even think about it without my heart breaking. I call it "food-rape." That's essentially what it was!
The first couple weeks I did the dissociation thing. "I want to sleep" was written about 50 times per journal entry. Now it's more like "let me out." I was starting to get sad. I was talking and nobody was hearing me. This ended up having disastrous consequences later. I can't believe I'm doing this.
Installment #2 of the Kartini Journal. See part 1 for description and disclaimer.
Mon, Oct 8, 2007
Once again I'm so incredibly tired. Why does treatment have to start so ridiculously early? Why couldn't it be like St. V's? They don't start until 9:15, which is far preferable to 8:00.
I was supposed to see S last Wednesday, but she flaked. Why am I always surrounded by flaky people? As if it's not enough that all my friends are flaky, my half-sister has to be flaky too! I want to go to bed!
Wed, Oct 10, 2007
"When we long for a life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." -Peter Marshall
The journey to recovery has been underway since September 14, 2007. It is a long, difficult road and I'm not sure I'll even get there. But I must try. Give myself a chance to live life in recovery, because if I don't like it, it is very easy to go back to how I was. P(k) is a weird freak. I really don't like her. She reminds me of Mrs. H, my 6th grade home-ec teacher who had a sign displayed on her desk proclaiming "I (heart) Monday!" Who in the world loves Monday??
Thurs, Oct 11, 2007
I really don't feel like journaling today. I don't really have anything to say.
Yesterday my parents rewarded me for doing well by taking me out to dinner. We went to a Thai place. It was good.
I've started reading t.a.t.u stories again. I just wish I had my own computer again. :( That would make it so much easier to read them. I miss Bijou. She's so cute.
I honestly don't understand how I'm going to make it through 10 weeks here.
That's week #2. I didn't write again after that until Wed, Oct 17. The 10/10 entry is encouraging, isn't it? Well, for a minute there it was. Giving myself a chance to live in recovery. HA!!!! What the heck ever! But really.... if I could snap my fingers and have this eating disorder be gone, would I? I honestly don't know. I'm not sure. I might not!
Transcribing this journal is hard, but good. It's so sad because I'm looking back at these writings and I had no idea at the time what was in store for me. All the pain, trauma, sadness, fear that was coming. But I know I must be a strong person, right? Because I made it through that. Sometimes I'm still amazed that I'm still here!
Disclaimer: This entry series (the Kartini Journal series) is not meant to offend anyone. These are my OPINIONS! It is a free country and I am allowed to share my opinions on topics. I will not use names, just initials. You can form your own opinions on things. I encourage you to do so. But just know that what you are about to read is my opinion and my thoughts regarding a certain place.
I've been considering doing this for a long time. I know that recently I posted some journal entries from my journal I keep now. Doing that gave me this idea....
In September of 2007 I was hospitalized at Legacy Emanuel for my eating disorder. Almost immediately after being discharged, I was sent to treatment at the Kartini Clinic in Portland, Ore. You can look them up if you like. Google them. I think that no matter what place you look at you will find people that like it and people that don't. In this case, I am not a fan. My parents had medical guardianship of me, so I really did have no choice about going, even though I was over 18 (I was 20, in fact.)
Anyway, I kept a journal during my 12 week stint at Kartini. They put 40lb on me in 12 weeks! It was so traumatic. I think it would be cathartic for me to transcribe that journal onto here. It'll have to be in parts, of course. It's long.
Don't read it if you aren't interested. I won't mind. If you decide to read it, hang on. It's going to be a bumpy ride. I will do one treatment week of journal entries per post, and write a short reflection on it at the end.
This journal starts October 1st, 2007. None of the hospitalization part is included. That's in another journal that I can't locate. This is strictly the Kartini part. I started Day Treatment there October 1, 2007 and ended December 21, 2007. The only actual names used will be names of my animals. Everyone else will be initials. When it's a Kartini staff I'm talking about I will put a (k) next to their initial.
Mon, Oct 1, 2007
I guess we are supposed to write goals. Well, currently I suppose my goal is to get the fuck out of here. I just want to go home. But I suppose that I just feel overwhelmed because it's day one. Maybe after a week or 2 weeks go by I might feel a little better. Currently, I don't feel like anything will be able to squash this eating disorder. I hate it. But I love it too. Either way, I feel like this is going to be an extremely long week. At least I have tomorrow off. Today I am just testing the water. I must be very careful. Maybe for now I could just hope for recovery. But in all reality I would just rather be skinny.
I miss Bijou. And Lyrik and Muma. I just want to go back to my cozy bed.
I just saw a crow poop. For poop I guess it was cute. I love autumn! But I love winter even more, especially when it snows. I love snow.
I suppose my goal for recovery is to want it. That's the first step, right? To get it, you have to want it. As usual I'm the oldest. I knew that would happen. I hate being the oldest! I would so much rather be the youngest. This sucks. Maybe on Wednesday I will wear my pajama pants.
This room is trying so hard to be teenager-friendly. It is trying to be a hang-out place. Eh, not so much! I would rather be at home, rocking out to Avril or something.
I'm so sleepy. I want to lay down. My eyes keep trying to shut. ZZZZZ. I don't want to be here, I don't want to do group, I don't want to do crafts, I just want to go home!
Wed, Oct 3, 2007
Once again, words cannot express how much I don't want to be here. Everyone else is so skinny and I'm a huge fat lard! I'm also really, really tired. I'm trying to pretend that this is all just a game. First, we play the first part of the game called "gain" and then we will play the second part of the game, and it's called "lose." But in order to play the "lose" part, we must first play the "gain" part. Even though the "gain" part really sucks, you can't play the "lose" part without it. So it's worth it in the end.
Oh dear me! L just came in the room, said "Good morning wonderful Kate," and sat down and took out her bible! Isn't dealing with one K per lifetime enough?
I hate to admit that I'm actually hungry. I can smell breakfast and my stomach is growling. Sometimes, like right now, I just want to give up and go to sleep forever. Sleep is so nice. It feels so good cuz you can just let everything go and you don't have to worry about anything. It would be so very nice.
Q: What does the ED want me to do today?
A: Not eat, obviously! It wants me to restrict and lose weight. And I can say that as of day 2 in treatment, I agree with it! I hate being this way. I feel corpulent and humongous. It's terrible.
Q: What do I need to do today to be in recovery?
A: Ignore everything the ED wants me to do, which is obviously easier said than done! All I can do is try to turn my brain off mostly and not think further ahead than 5 minutes, just like I wrote in 9th grade.
Thinking hurts a lot right now, and unfortunately that's all I get to do all day here. Thank goodness this day only goes until 3:30. It's 9:15 right now - 6 hours and 15 minutes left in the treatment day. Then I get to go home and do stuff. Like sleep, maybe. And see the cockatiels.
Why do the people here keep trying to get me to knit?? I do not want to learn to knit! At St. Vincent it was all about crocheting... LOL! That word looks so funny. I'm just bothered by everything. I don't even want to write it all down cuz it will just make everything worse. It'll just make me feel worse.
Thurs, Oct 4, 2007
Happy birthday L! 23 years old. I really don't feel like journaling. I just want to go to sleep. I think I caught H's cold. Blah blah blah I really have nothing to say. Oh yes, I saw F yesterday. We hung out and talked for like half an hour. It was nice to see her. She likes my hair. Cool.
Apparently, the other 20 year old might be coming over from the hospital to come to group. It will be good for her to get out. Although therapy is quite difficult so she'll be glad to finally get back to her room, I'm sure.
Fri, Oct 5, 2007
I feel so numb. I can't think of anything to write, really. I don't feel like doing anything today. I just want to go home and sleep! I really need to get down to business on that stupid to-do list. We're listening to Colbie Caillat. It's kind of like country music. She's a pretty good singer I guess.
We went out for Thai food last night for our dinner outing. It was my first Thai experience. Pad Thai is pretty good. :)
So if I could meet any celebrity I guess I would choose Avril Lavigne. She seems like she'd be fun to hang out with. We'd probably go do something crazy, like go wreak havoc on the mall like she did in the "Complicated" video. I wish I was like her. I wish I was her!
The birds were cute this morning. Lyrik hissed and she squeaked. Unless it was a sneeze, which it might have been since she was perched on the water dish. Her little sneezing fits are the cutest! I love her.
It's so hilarious when my dad holds Muma. He always says, "beaky bird!" It's true, she is quite beaky. Very cute. And beaky.
P(k) is weird. I don't like how she keeps pressuring me to work on my stupid altered book! I don't really even want to do it! I don't really know why, I just don't. I'm sooooooo tired! I'm supposed to hang out with R tonight. That will be nice cuz I haven't seen her in 600 years.
I just misread a word on the board as "brat". Hahahaha!
Okay. That's the end of the first week. Reflecting on this, I see a common theme: sleep! All I wanted was to sleep! I do actually remember this. I was literally falling asleep sitting up. It was early, yeah, but.. I have to wonder how much of it was really me trying to dissociate and just "check out." I wanted it all to be a dream so badly. The part where I talk about pretending it's a game just kills me. I was hurting so badly here. I was terrified and stuck. Not good. But hang on, guys, it's gonna get worse before it gets better.
I'm alive... just so you all know. I have been meaning to write a post but I just can't seem to come up with anything to say. Maybe I'll just write a ton of random shit.
Less than 2 weeks til our new puppy Jax comes. May 17th! I can't wait!!! He is so stinkin' cute! I can't wait to snuggle and cuddle him. Puppy breath smells cute. Much better than dog breath!
Today I got lots of sun. It was really warm and sunny out, over 80F! I love the hot weather. I used to hate it but now I seem to crave it. I would LOVE to live on a boat. Like own a dive boat and business and live on the boat. Sun, ocean, sky, wind... mmm. I love the ocean. My friend once called me a "Nature Child" which sounded awfully hippy-ish, but I get his point. At the time he said it (to my dad) I was down by a huge tree, barefoot on the pine needles, talking to some bullfrogs. Yes, talking to the bullfrogs. They weren't answering me, though.
Oh, I know. I'll tell you about Stevie! So.. the other day (Wednesday night) I got a message on facebook from my childhood friend's mom, K. She works for animal rescue. Anyway, she told me she was about to rescue this bird and that she had no idea how to take care of a bird. She asked if I would be able to bird-sit this rescue bird for a few days. She sent me a picture...
Oh my GOD. What could I say?? I said something like, "Good lord! Bring her to me ASAP!" That night, Stevie the 16 year old Orange Wing Amazon came.
THE POOR LITTLE BABY!!!! She was so scared. She cowered, hissed, flapped... she was a mess. We managed to get her into a cage that we "McGuyver-ed" out of Abigail's kennel (basically a perch, food and water bowl screwed into it) and got her upstairs in our bedroom, threw a blanket over her and let her calm the heck down! By the next night I had managed to get her to eat some apple out of my hand. I was worried, though, because she didn't seem to be drinking.
Today, K came to pick up Stevie and get her to the bird sanctuary in Prineville, OR. Getting Stevie from her "cage" into the travel kennel was no small task. Unfortunately, Corky managed to let her escape. Even more unfortunately, she's flighted! Just because she has no feathers on her chest and tummy doesn't mean her wing feathers don't work. LOL! They do! Finally we cornered her and she flew right into the travel kennel. Whew!
I am so glad that Stevie will be somewhere safe. She'll be cared for, happy and healthy. But damn I miss that little plucked parrot.
Body-image..... not good. Corky dried my jeans the other week. They were SUPER tight when I put them on after that. I've washed them a few times since, and hung them to dry, but they're still tight now! It's freaking me out!!! Really bad. I just think I look humongous.
If you want to see me being goofy, watch this video: CLICK HERE
SUNGLASSES!!!! I love sunglasses. I love aviator sunglasses (which I am NOT wearing in that pic.) That reminds me.. I saw a weird airplane today. I think it was a bomber, a B-something. B-17?? B-what? I don't know. It had 4 propellers and a white star in a blue circle on the underside of the right wing. It looked like of like this (which is a B-17):
You know those shows like American Idol, Inkmaster, Face Off, Best Ink, etc? I think those shows are rigged. Honestly! I do not understand why Corky likes those shows. They stress me out! Besides that, the people are like "oh this person did really bad.." but they really didn't do that badly. It's like the judges (or in the case of Best Ink, the top 3 contestants for that week) are fishing for reasons to send that person out. For example, Corky just watched On-Demand an episode of Best Ink and the bottom 3 tattoos were 1) this half finished, tiny, kinda shitty tattoo, 2) an asymmetrical central chest piece of an owl holding a pocket watch and 3) a zombie/diá de los muertos skull/girl thing with gaping flesh wounds. Those were the bottom 3. Which I think is crap! There was one guy who did a tattoo where the lettering didn't even fit in the banner, and he wasn't in the bottom 3! Why not?? His crappy lettering should have been there more than the girl who did the zombie thing. All the judges had to say about it was "that eye isn't placed right." Okay, first of all, what does that even mean? What do you mean it wasn't "placed right?" They never even offered an explanation. Second of all, that eye was mostly hidden by the hair of the zombie girl! So you could hardly even see it! They're fishing.
Now, granted, the girl with the tiny, half-finished tattoo had a shitty "skin" (aka client) who was micromanaging her a ton and actually walked out when the tattoo wasn't even done! In the first place, I can't believe the judges and her peers penalized her for that. That client was being a bitch and a half, and it was not that girl (Kelly's) fault. On the other hand, it was a tiny tattoo (like 4 inches high) and she had 4 hours to complete it in.. so she should have been done long before the 4 hour mark. The girl left after 2 and a half hours, but she spent eons badgering Kelly first! So for all we know, she might have been done by 2 and a half hours if the girl would have shut her flippin' mouth!
Anyway, the bottom 3 are peer chosen and then the judges pick from there who leaves. They sent home the goth girl who did the zombie tat. Which was stupid... but at least it wasn't Kelly! If they'd sent Kelly home I would have sworn a blue streak at the TV. LOL!!!!!
Goodnight!
Warning!!! This post contains a video link, the subject matter of which may be disturbing to some viewers. Discretion advised.
If you dare, go here and watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_577819&feature=iv&src_vid=icfVsql38oc&v=J5gzm0kt4OU
Well... those of you that saw this on the news/internet/wherever, you all had to know I'd do an entry on this. After I recovered from the shock of having seen it, that is! Obviously I didn't see it in person but... still! It's a shocking video, is it not?
My dad's reaction to the video: "Those poor people!"
My sister's reaction to the video: "How many people were on board?"
My mom's reaction to the video: "That's awful! How scary!"
My reaction to the video: "What the heck kind of configuration were they trying to take off in?"
....what?
I think there's a disconnect in my brain somewhere. I understand that there were 7 people aboard that 747 and that they perished in that incident. It is sad! It really is! You've got to believe me that I find it sad. Those people all had families, friends, people that loved and cared (and still do) about them. It's just that I am so removed from emotion sometimes that I saw it for what it literally LOOKED like... an airplane falling to the ground.
My mom, dad and sister watched the video and saw an airplane falling to the ground and killing people. I saw an airplane engaging in an act that it should never engage in. Airplanes are meant to go up and down, but not like that.
I saw the airplane take off, pitch upward at an angle I couldn't comprehend, stall, and traverse downward like a falling leaf and smash into the ground, creating a huge inferno. They never even got their landing gear all the way up.
Most people ask, "why?"
I ask, "how?"
What happened inside that aircraft that caused it to behave in such a way? That is not normal airplane behavior! Was there an error? Foul play? Was it too heavy? What happened? The NTSB will tell us eventually. Until then... we'll wait. And mourn. 7 lives were lost. 7 lives and a beautiful machine.
Rest In Peace National Air Cargo.
You know how it always happens when you can't find something, it appears as soon as you stop looking for it? "It was in the last place I looked," people say. That saying always amuses me. Well, of course it was in the last place you look! Once you find it you're not going to look any more!
Anyway, today that same kind of thing happened, except it wasn't a tangible thing I was looking for. As I may or may not have mentioned on here, Zumba was not my favorite thing on Earth the last week or two (or three.) There was no energy in my classes. I felt like I was being sucked dry! I couldn't remember why I loved Zumba.
Then the stereo system at one of my jobs broke. That same week, at the other gym I work at, I had a Friday night class that absolutely NOBODY showed up to. There is nothing worse than having a crappy stereo system EXCEPT having nobody show up to a class. I was so done. So ready to quit. Today I spoke to the other three Zumba instructors at the gym where the stereo quit and told them, "if they don't fix this stereo system by Saturday, I'm putting in my notice!"
Naturally, as soon as I make up my mind to do that, I have 2 of the best Zumba experiences I've had in many months. Of course!
The first one: yesterday I went to my friend R's class at the athletic club where I'm a member (and often substitute at.) He asked me if I wanted to teach a few songs - a common thing among Zumba instructors. I did a new Zumba song I got called "Zaleilah." This morning I got a message from a woman who was in the class. She told me that she's been going through some troubles lately and that song really lifted her spirits and made her feel better at that time. She thanked me for doing that song and asked if I taught any other classes that she might be able to attend or if I knew where she could find some African dance classes (since the song had some African moves that she enjoyed immensely.)
When I read that, I was like, "oh yeah... this is why I do what I do!" I was on the receiving end of that at one time. I know what she is feeling!
The second experience: tonight's class at the gym where I was going to quit! I had a good sized class (about 20 people.) They were quite upbeat and smiling, reacting to me (such as answering me when I asked, "how ya doing?") After class these 2 girls came up to me.
"You're so good!" One of them exclaimed. "You got some moves!"
I thanked them and talked with them for a few minutes. One of them was at her 2nd ever Zumba class and the other was brand new! I was her first Zumba experience! OY!!!!! That always makes me nervous when I hear that. LOL. I hope she liked it! One of them even said to me, "you're so pretty!" I was like "WHAT did you SAY???"
Part of me was elated at these experiences. Another part of me was like "Noooooooo!" I wanted say, "let me go!" I had just made up my mind to leave...
Sorry, this entry isn't making much sense. I'm tired and stressed (about school, not work for once!) and should probably go to bed. But I just wanted to try to record this amazing turn of events before I forgot it all or it wore off or something.
Zaleilah: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxlUL0npdAQ
My vlog update about Zumba from today (before the class):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoHX1Dp53Tk
ZUMBAAAA!!!!!!
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