Please see Part 1 for disclaimers and explanation. This post will contain 2 weeks worth of journal entries because I only wrote twice the first week, but several times the next.
Wed, Oct 17, 2007
I really just want to go home right now. I have to see J(k) [the physical therapist] in like 5 minutes. Joy. Not. I don't feel like doing any kind of physical therapy right now. I'm so sleepy. I just want to curl up on the downstairs couch with the fireplace on and sleep and pretend I'm in Russia and it's snowing outside. Stupid treatment. I totally don't want to be here. I miss Bijou.
Thurs, Oct 18, 2007
Well, breakfast had an interesting conversation going on. It was about religion. The Christian religion vs. the Jehovah's witness. It got quite heated. I found the whole thing rather uncomfortable.
Anyhoo, I got moved up to Phase 2 yesterday. L(k) told me after DBT yesterday. It was quite exciting. Next step: Phase 3.
K and J broke up. Yes and 3 times YES! Although poor K is crying. But at least now she understands what she put me through. What goes around does indeed come around. Karma's a bitch.
Merde. I have family therapy today. I really don't like G(k). I think I will ask J(k) if there is a possibility I can switch family therapists. That would be a welcome relief.
Ouch. My head hurts. I believe L is writing a prayer in her journal. Probably praying for D to convert from Jehovah's witness. Fat chance. Today is a long day and a dinner outing. Joy.
Mon, Oct 22, 2007
Brrr! I'm cold.
Well, I don't know what to write about. As usual.
My eating disorder feels very strong these days. I'm just counting the days till I get out of here so I can relapse. I can't wait to lose all this damn weight! I wish it would hurry up.
E is so lucky. This Thursday is her last day. I have to be here until freakin' December! I don't see how I'll make it. Ugh today is a long long day. It's 9:10 right now. 9 hours and 50 minutes left til I can go home.
For some reason I just starting thinking of Russia. That was such a fun trip. Evne though my dad didn't really like it. I did. I loved it.
Little Bijou had a yawning fit yesterday. She's so cute. I (heart) her.
I just looked out the window and saw a fat lady in her car.
Omg I was so triggered on Saturday night. R has lost so much weight! She's skinnier than me now. It's so unfair, I hate her for it.
Weird! P(k) is chewing gum and drinking coffee or tea or something. I somehow can't imagine those 2 flavors mixing well.
I felt slightly triggered a little bit ago cuz I saw one of D's modeling headshots. Everything in the world is triggering right now. I just want my ED back. It's so not fair! I hate Kartini Clinic and Dr. O. Cuz they made this dumb guardianship thing a condition for me and not for anyone else in CA [college age] group. It's so lame!
I hate doing Monday goals, so I'm just not gonna do it. I don't feel like setting goals. Just like I never do New Years resolutions. I believe that if youthink too much about goals and shit, it just makes it easier to break them.
The fat lady is gone from her car at this point. She was gross.
Now it is 9:20. 9 hours and 40 minutes left now. :( Sooooo long!
I'm very tired. Goodnight!
1:35pm
This work is so hard! I'm resorting to my old habit of writing so that I don't have to sit and stare at nothing while my brain gets dissected by CBT group. Joyousness!
I wish I could be skinny again cuz then I could be a model like D used to be.
When Mary-Kate Olsen had an ED she didn't have to be under her parents guardianship! It's so unfair!
LOL R(k) just said "strung out" haha! I did not know she knew about that.
1:50pm
I cannot wait to get out of this hellhole! It's totally not helping me. I just want go back in time. I would never have come to this awful place. I would just be living with M like we used to, and everything would be fine. I miss my life. I want my life back. I would do anything to be abck with my ED. My "yes finger" keeps twitching. I don't know why. :-|
I want to go home! It's 1:55. 4 hours and 5 mins left, yes thank goodness. I remember writing this morning and saying I had like 9 hours and some left to go.
R(k) KEEPS INTERRUPTING ME! I'M SO ANNOYED! GRRR! I hate to be interrupted.
God damn this place is awful. I'm never coming back. I swear up and down I'm never coming back to this awful awful place.
R(k) is here. Thank heavens. This horrible group is over.
I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE! I HATE THE WORLD, I'M SO MAD! I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE! PLEASE GOD LET ME GO BE WITH BABUSHKA AND DYEDUSHKA. I DON'T WANT TO BE ON THIS LIFE ON THIS EARTH ANYMORE. I WANT TO GO WHERE THE ANGELS ARE BECAUSE THERE IS NO PAIN IN THAT PLACE. IT IS HAPPY AND PEACEFUL AND THE TOTAL OPPOSITE OF THIS LIFE.
Wed, Oct 24, 2007
I'm very grumpy today. I am very tired of coming to this place. I have to get started on my crest soon. Doing homework is getting quite annoying. Although I guess I'd rather do homework like this than math homework.
H's Halloween party is this coming Saturday. So far we have like 11 people coming. That'll be quite a turn out!
Right now it is 9:13am. I have J(k) any minute now. I don't like the one on one appointments with J(k). Not that I don't like her, I just doing like individual PT. :( Especially not when I'm really tired.
I totally don't feel like anyone ever listens to me here. I've said that I want a new family therapist like 6,000 times, but nothing ever comes of it. And I said I wanted a new individual therapist too. Plus every single day I say that this place isn't helping me, but still nobody listens!!! I just keep getting interrupted. It's so retarded.
Speaking of retarded, last night M and I watched the South Park movie. It was pretty funny. I remember watching that with J. I don't like the show South Park but I do like the movie. I don't know why that is.
Thurs, Oct 25, 2007
Today is E's last day. In a way I'm glad cuz now I will almost definitely be the slowest eater in the group.
Today we are going to get Mexican food take-out and watch The Sixth Sense, which I brought. It should be fun. It's been a while since I saw that movie.
Oh joyousness. We have bodyworks group today. That is totally not my favorite group we have. AND I have family therapy too. I wonder if I could just refuse to go. I would so rather do D(k)'s group instead of FT.
I swear nobody listens to me in this retarded place. I've been saying for ages that I want to switch family therapists but nobody seems to care. :( It's very annoying. Whatever.
I still don't feel like this place is helping me at all. I just want my ED back so badly. God, I don't ask for much. Please just let me naturally be skinny like C.J. Speaking of that name, I remember in 8th grade, J.J. once freaked out when someone commented on how skinny she was. I bet that was because she had an eating disorder.
I wish I could say I still had my physical ED, but now that I'm so incredibly fat and huge, I cannot. :(
Yesterday, M said she wants to go home for Thanksgiving. I told her to go. I guess I'm okay with that. I wish I could go too.
P(k) is so ugly. And stupid. Just like my mom. I'm very sleepy.
Fri, Oct 26, 2007
I'm so glad it's Friday! I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow. Although I don't know how much sleeping in I'll bea ble to do, cuz tomorrow is H's Halloween party. There's like 16 kids, including H, who are gonna be there. And half are boys!
It's so adorable, my sister has a crush on Q.S. So cute!
I'm tired of journaling. I have plenty to talk about but I don't want to think about it, which you have to do in order to write about it.
It's approximately 9:15am. 6 hours and 15 minutes left until 3:30, but then I have B(k) until 4:30. Grrreat. :(
My feet are cold and I want to go to sleep. Sleep would be so nice right now. In my own bed. Near the birds. I (heart) Bijou.
So there are weeks 3 and 4 at Kartini. It was really sad for me to transcribe these because I see myself saying "nobody is listening." And that's the real truth. Nobody was listening! Now my dad apologizes all the time for not listening to me about this. But it doesn't undo what happened. They were putting weight on me so fast at this time... I can't even think about it without my heart breaking. I call it "food-rape." That's essentially what it was!
The first couple weeks I did the dissociation thing. "I want to sleep" was written about 50 times per journal entry. Now it's more like "let me out." I was starting to get sad. I was talking and nobody was hearing me. This ended up having disastrous consequences later. I can't believe I'm doing this.
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