Kartini Journal Part 7

Please see Part 1 for disclaimer and descriptions.

Ok.. getting toward the final stretch now.  Let's roll!

Mon, Dec 3, 2007
I really don't want to be here today.  I think it's so unfair that D is getting out before me.  I hate that I have to have an extension.  I don't want to stay here any longer than 10 weeks.  Grrr!
I keep getting cramps but my period just will NOT come!
Who in the world is Michael Bublé?  I've heard of him but I have no idea who he is.  We are listening to Frank Sinatra singing "Under My Skin."  Now it's Cuando, Cuando, Cuando.
Gosh I really don't feel like being here.  I just want to be skinny.  Like L.  She's so skinny.  It's not fair.  My poor dad has to have a colonoscopy today.  He'll be glad to get that over with, I'm sure.
I was supposed to have family therapy today but apparently it got changed.  I forgot to ask J(k) when it got switched to.  Oh well.
OMG I weight myself on friday.  I FREAKED OUT!  Cuz it said XXX [I won't put numbers here]!  Isn't that horrible?!  I just can't wait to et out of here and go back to being skinny.

Still Monday
This guy C from DTU [day treatment unit] is back in the hospital.  Poor guy.  He doesn't even get to see his parents.  Like M.  Poor M.  I heard her crying one day.  It was so sad.
I wish I could meet Emily Deschanel.  She's so incredibly awesome.  Or her sister, Zooey Deschanel.  They're both so pretty.  I wonder if they're nice people...?
It's R(k)'s group, CBT, right now.  I don't particularly care for this group.  It's a bit boring.  Hmm...
Gosh my hair smells sooooooo good!  I (heart) this new shampoo & conditioner.  Except it makes my hair all crunchy.  Oh well.  At least it smells good.
Some how the conversation switched to Taco Bell.  I don't know how that happened.  Now we are arguing.  Kind of. And I got interrupted.  I hate that!  It's one of my pet peeves!  And nobody even noticed.  Of course.  Because everybody is so wrapped up in their silly little lives that they don't even notice when they're being rude! Grrr.
I just want to be done with this ridiculous program.  I hate it here.  I want my life back.  My own life, my own way.  I miss it.  I miss myself.  I miss being XXX lbs.  I will get there again.  If it's the last thing I do I will get there again.  I hate looking like this.  I just hate it.  

Still Monday
Letter to myself from myself in late 20's:
Dear Kate,
Firstly, the most important thing you must remember is that this too shall pass.  You won't be in Kartini forever.  The minutes pass, the days go by.  Soon you will be through it.  Just hold on.
Secondly, I must tell you that there is life without an eating disorder.  There are ways to be happy with yourself that don't involve starving to death.  You can achieve your goals.  But you can't if your eating disorder takes control of you.  You can't focus on school if your brain is starved.  How would you become a translator if you can't focus?
Giving up your eating disorder is the best thing you can do for yourself.  With it, you have no future.  Without it, you might live to die another day.
-Kate

Still Monday
Ho hum.  I am quite bored.  Right now it's about 4:20.  Hee hee!

Wednesday, Dec 5, 2007
It is almost 9 in the morning.  I have 16 days until I'm done with IOP.  I can make it for 16 more days.  That is all the time I have left to enjoy eating because after that it's back to being skinny again.  I can't wait to see the look on the doctors faces when they examine me and find that I've lost X lbs in a week!  I'm just faking it.  Biding my time until I can get OUT of here and look the way I want again.
K is sleeping and D is taking the nail polish off her nails.  Gosh my foot hurts.  It's weird, there's a swollen, slightly discolored spot and it's agony when I walk.  I hope it's not a tumor!  That would totally suck.
Last night for Hanukkah my parents gave me Squawkers McCaw.  He's sooooooo cute!  I don't know what I will name him but he's awfully cute.  Bijou didn't like him though.  She was hissing and rocking back and forth with her headfeathers up.  She's such a darling!
OMG I really do not want to be in Kartini anymore.  I'm sick of it!
No P(k), I do not need a journal prompt.  *sigh*
Hahaha!  P(k) told K to journal about how her stomach hurts and K went, "really?" LOL.  It was funny.  I hate how P(k) enunciates.  Her S's are so irritatingly sharp.  And she keeps smacking.  I'M SO ANNOYED!  Now she is going on about her lanyard on her glasses.  That ugly one.  Ew.  She says she took it off.  Good decision.
Now we're listening to Hey There Delilah.  I'm quite tired of this song.  I've heard it enough.  The word "good" is weird.
OMG I'm so fat.  It's disgusting.  I remember being like XXXlb and thinking I was disgustingly fat.  Ha!  Well what about now?? XXX definitely means F.A.T!

Still Wednesday
It's definitely much quieter in here without L.  L(k) is here right now.  D is talking about being crazy.  
I really wish I had no love handles.  I wish it so badly.  I just can't wait to get skinny again.  Grrr!

I have family therapy today at 3.  I wonder what we'll talk about.  I was so mad last night cuz my sister didn't finish her fruit salad and my mom said NOTHING!  I thought she said that wouldn't happen anymore.  It's not fair.  Why does my sister get to be skinny and I can't?  It's just not fair.
I'm so tired.  I just want to go home and sleep.

Thurs, Dec 6, 2007
Goooooood Morning!  Not.  I'm so tired today.  I totally didn't want to wake up today.  15 more days until I'm done with DTU.  I can make it for 15 more days.
I need to start working on my post-DTU plan.  Or continue working on it, I guess.
Ugh!  Fergie's song is playing on K's computer.  I'm quite sick of this song. :(  It is rather triggering, not to mention it brings back painful memories.
I miss being skinny.  I miss myself.  I want myself back.  I hate how I am right now.  I hate who I am, how I look.  I swear as soon as I get out of DTU I'm going back to XXX lbs!  They can't make me stay at XXX.  No way, No how!
My stomach hurts cuz I'm hungry I think.  It feels like it's eating itself.  What an odd feeling.  I must go swimming again today after DTU.  And tomorrow too.  Then maybe on Saturday I will go cross country skiing with K.  If J(k) says its okay, that is.  I will be very surprised if she says no.  But why would she let me go shopping with D which is quite possibl the most triggering thing ever, and not let me go skiing with K in 600 layers?

Still Thursday
What is P(k) going on about?!  The festival of St. Nicholas in Holland or something.  *sigh* Anyway.
My foot hurts still.  I have no idea what happened to it to cause it to hurt so much.  Oh well.  I just hope it's not cancerous.  I'm not ready to die.  I'm tired too.  I just want to go to sleep.  I hate long days here, like Mondays and Thursdays.  :(  
P(k) is such an ugly weird freak.  EW.  She keeps wanting us to do these weird crafts.  Gosh I hate the way she talks!  It's so annoying.

Still Thursday
We just danced for the DTU.  That girl M.C is such a brat.  She's just not very nice.  At all.  Why do people have to be rude to other people?  What is the point of being rude?  Does it really help anything?  No.  It doesn't.
Now it's bodyworks group and R(k) is here.  We are talking about catty people.  It's so pointless.  All it does is cause people to lose respect for you.

Hmm.... I just walked into a reeeaaallllyyyy awkward conversation!

My foot hurts!  I want to go to the doctor.  Get an X-ray.  I wonder if I have a stress fracture.  That would be weird.  I don't know how that would have occurred.  
I just want to go home.  I'm tired.  I don't want to be here anymore.  I'm sick and tired of treatment.  It gets stressful, sometimes, trying to bridge the gap between D and the others. Namely K.  And now that L is gone, I'm the only other person here besides the 2 of them.
I'm so triggered.  I just want to be skinny again.  I hate my gross flabby body.  It's so nasty. I hate it.  Ew.
I wonder what I'll get for Hanukkah tonight, if I will even get anything.  I don't really expect anything I guess.  Although my sister will probably get something.

Mon, December 10, 2007
Today was supposed to be my last day. :(  I wish it was.  But nooooo!  I still have 2 more weeks.
I miss L.  I wish she were still here.  However, there is apparently a new girl int he hospital now.  J(k) said she just got admitted around lunchtime.  I wonder if she'll come to group.
K has passed out on the couch.  Again.  I don't know why she does that.  I'm surprised the group leaders don't get all offended.

Wednesday, Dec 12, 2007
K is out sick today.  She has the stomach flu.  I can't say I miss her.  She always smacks and steals our gum.  It is very annoying.
I cannot wait to be done with DTU.  I swear, it seems like it will never get here!  :(  Why is it that everything you can't stand to wait one more second for has to take a million years to arrive??
Apparently the stomach flu is circulating around the Ronald McDonald house.  I hope I don't catch it, seeing as I'm going to stay with D for awhile.  I was going to stay with her last night but I was homesick so I made up a reason why I couldn't stay.  Thankfully, D was very understanding about the whole thing.
I have F today again.  I think I will go swimming afterwards, before I go to D's.  Or maybe I will swim before F.  Yes, I think that is what I'll do.  That way I will get to D's earlier because apparently we are going out with some people for dinner tonight.
I feel nauseated.  I hope I'm not catching the stomach flu.  I hate puking.  I really do.  I haven't thrown up in almost 3 years, and before that it had been 7 years.  I think that's a pretty good record. [*note: now it's been 8 years.]
Anyway, that's why I could never be bulimic.  I hate puking.  Even though I did try to induce, I don't think I would have liked it much if I had succeeded.  Puking is gross.  It tastes nasty, burns your throat and it smells awful.
I'm very tired, good night.

Still Wednesday
I cannot express how much I can't wait to be done with DTU!  The time just drags by so frickin slowly.  I get out a week from this Friday, but I swear it feels like it will never ever get here.  
B(k) is here for check-in group.  I guess it's not so bad.  I still wish we had L(k) instead but it's not that bad with B(k).  Better than if it were G(k)!  Sheesh.
I miss Bijou.  She's so cute.  I (heart) her.  Muma was hissy and beaky this morning.  I was skritching her and she had her eyes closed.  It was so cute!  I (heart) Muma.  And Lyrie.  
My hair is getting long!  Soon I won't even need extensions.  Lol.

Thurs, Dec 13, 2007
K is back again.  Joyousness. :(  Smacking as usual.  It's so annoying.

Last night I went with D and her mom to this place called the Tin Shed.  We ate dinner with a bunch of people who D's mom (and D) knew.  Then we watched the movie Sunset Boulevard.  The only problem was that it was outside and it was FREEZING!  Anyway, the movie didn't end until almost ten, so I didn't get home until 10:30.  Needless to say, I'm very tired today.

Yesterday M said she was gonna hang out with two of her friends and that they might smoke pot.
L.C. keeps bugging me to hang out.  I don't know how to tell her "no" so I just keep ignoring her texts.
D keeps undoing and redoing her nails the same color.  I don't know why.
OMG K IS CHEWING HER GUM SO FREAKIN LOUD! I'M GONNA DIE! :(

Friday, Dec 14, 2007
I just talked to J(k) about making a No Gum rule.  She said I have to say something to K. :(  I will not.  I'll just suffer through it in silence.  As usual.
I hung out with D last night.  We went to this smelly pool hall out on Powell, and the toilets didn't flush very well.  Then, after D's mom beat us terribly, we left and went to the Barnes & Noble at Lloyd Center.  And we hung out there until my dad came and got me.  He got me a chicken calendar.  It's really cute.  I (HEART) CHICKENS!
P(k) said we can tell her to stop talking.  So, uh, P(k), stop talking!  Gosh she's so irritating!
Poor D.  K took 2 blankets and D is freezing.  :( K is rather selfish, I believe.
Haha! P(k) is talking about riding a bike to work.  What a sight that would be!  As if she's not enough of a weird freak already, let's add a bicycle!  And D just tried to tell P(k) about Running Start and P(k) goes "Morning Star?"  Ugh what a freak! >:(
I'm so tired, I just want to go home and sleep!
P(k) just asked me if I was going to be here up until Christmas.  As if!
Good night.

Monday, Dec 17, 2007
We got 2 new people in the DTU today.  Well, actually, one of them was in the little kids DTU so she's not exactly new, but still.
P(k) says she wants to listen to Bond.  Hmm.  Cuz I mentioned that Bond plays Pachelbel's Canon.  
Today is D's last day. :(  She's been going on all last week about how it was her last Wednesday, Thursday, etc.
I really better get going on this journal if I ever expect to finish it by the end of DTU.
I will miss D when she leaves.  She is one of my good friends now, so it will suck when she's gone.
I can't wait to go snowboarding!  I'm so excited to use my new board.  I still need to get bindings and boots, but soon that will happen.  Maybe even tonight.  I bet I can convince my dad to go with me to Sports Authority.
We went to the mall yesterday but I didn't buy anything.  My mom got me socks from Journey's but that's it.
I've started writing another story.  Another one about anorexia.  I know I already wrote one about that but I don't feel like it was particularly well written or very realistic either.
Tonight, for dinner, we are getting take-out from P.F. Changs.  Except for A, the new girl, who has to eat the regular dinner food.  Poor girl.

Still Monday
Writing Group

My secret:
My secret is a secret.  That's why it's named that.  I can't say what my secret is, cuz then it wouldn't be a secret anymore.  It's kinda like when you say "expect the unexpected."  Then, if you do that, the unexpected becomes the expected.  So then you're really saying "expect the expected," which doesn't sound quite the same somehow.
A secret can be a dangerous thing.  Sometimes, they can also be very obvious.  Like with ED.  You might think it's a secret but everyone can see it, so it's not really a secret after all, is it?
[my secret was that I was still sick.]

Still Monday
I can't believe it's finally my last week!  I've waited so long for this!  I just want to be skinny again.  It's not fair.  Why do I have to be so humongous?  It's disgusting.  Everyone else is so skinny and I'm a blimp.

Wednesday, Dec 19, 2007
I have J(k) any minute now.  I don't know how I feel today.  Not so good... I feel fat.  I can't wait to get out of here and get skinny again.  I can't wait to see the look on Dr. M(k)'s face when I drop Xlb in a week! Ha.  I'm gonna write in aff [affirmation] books.  Bye!

Still Wednesday
Poor K is all upset about having to eat Benecal with breakfast.  She cried about it twice today.  Poor thing.
I'm such a blimp.  Ew.  It's disgusting.  Very disgusting.  I can't wait to get the hell out of DTU.
We are listening to t.a.t.u. :)  LOL I remember when I was in Russian at PCC and I saw t.a.t.u in the textbook.  I freaked out!
Right now we are listening to Stars.  It is almost done.  Now it is Nas Ne Dogonyat.  LOL it sounds like "must kill the donut."

Thursday, Dec 20, 2007
2 more days!  Omg I just cannot WAIT to get out of this place. :(  I'm tired of living in this body that I can't stand.  It sucks ass. >:(
I'm so frustrated with Kartini, cuz I can't take any of the classes I need because they either interfere with Russian (which I'm not even sure I'm taking) or my Kartini appointments.  I'M SO FRUSTRATED! GRRRR! 

Friday, Dec 21, 2007
FINALLY!!! It's my last day in the DTU!  I can't wait to get out and lose this stupid weight!  Now, it is the part of the game called "Lose."  I finished the "gain" part and now I'm on to the "lose" part.  I can't wait.  I'm so excited!  Finally, I'll have something to obsess over.  I have to have something to obsess over, or else my mind will go nuts.
I'm going to write letters now.  
Goodbye!

And that's it.  Pretty unexciting ending, huh?  It was horrible.  It really was.  They brainwashed my parents, ruined my body, scarred me for life.... I have no doubt that if it weren't for them that I would not be as sick as I am today.  I still have nightmares about it.  

At the 2011 and 2012 NEDA walk, I saw the people from Kartini.  Dr. O.  Dr. M.  J.  All those same people.  I couldn't even look at them.  I wanted to run up to them and be like "DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKED UP I AM BECAUSE OF YOU????"  But of course I didn't.  

It burns me up that they say they have such a high success rate.  What'd they say back then, like 94% or 96%?  Yeah... turns out that's of people that stay with them more than a year.  D, K, L and me all severed on bad terms with Kartini not long after discharge.  There were only 5 of us total and I don't know about E (who left during my 3rd week or something.)  That doesn't sound like 94% to me.  Sorry. 

I'm not sure who I'm more angry at - my parents or Kartini.  Both, of course.  But I don't know exactly what to make of it.  I know that I am left with a deep phobia of weight gain.  One pound up and I freak right out.  Now that I know my body is capable of being that heavy.................

Also I know it was the meds.  But what about that anyway?  THEY FUCKING LIED TO ME!!! TO MY FACE!!!!!! I was half dead in the hospital and they said "we want you to take this med."  I said "ok as long as it doesn't have weight gain as a side effect."  They said, "no, it doesn't, you're fine."  Guess what.  Weight gain and increased appetite are the first two side effects listed.  Assholes.  At least now I know to look it up myself.  Good lord!  I'm starting to tear up just thinking about it.

How much it hurt.
How scared I was.
How trapped I felt.
How betrayed I felt.
How helpless I felt.
How powerless I was.
How dark my life was after.
How long it took me to lose the weight.

How fucked up I still am.
How fucked up I will be forever.

Because of them I have an incredibly hard time trusting a treatment team.  I don't trust doctors, as a rule.  Or dietitians.  They lie.  They all do.  Okay, I know they really all don't but... what if they do?  I can't trust them.  I can't trust my parents to have my back.  Nobody has my back 100% but me.

Kartini was horrible.  But I am stronger now because of it.  I know I am.  It hurts like hell to think about it and to re-read and re-live it with this journal.  But I can see how far I've come.  How much stronger I am inside.  If I can make it through that, I can make it through anything.