Disclaimer: This entry series (the Kartini Journal series) is not meant to offend anyone. These are my OPINIONS! It is a free country and I am allowed to share my opinions on topics. I will not use names, just initials. You can form your own opinions on things. I encourage you to do so. But just know that what you are about to read is my opinion and my thoughts regarding a certain place.
I've been considering doing this for a long time. I know that recently I posted some journal entries from my journal I keep now. Doing that gave me this idea....
In September of 2007 I was hospitalized at Legacy Emanuel for my eating disorder. Almost immediately after being discharged, I was sent to treatment at the Kartini Clinic in Portland, Ore. You can look them up if you like. Google them. I think that no matter what place you look at you will find people that like it and people that don't. In this case, I am not a fan. My parents had medical guardianship of me, so I really did have no choice about going, even though I was over 18 (I was 20, in fact.)
Anyway, I kept a journal during my 12 week stint at Kartini. They put 40lb on me in 12 weeks! It was so traumatic. I think it would be cathartic for me to transcribe that journal onto here. It'll have to be in parts, of course. It's long.
Don't read it if you aren't interested. I won't mind. If you decide to read it, hang on. It's going to be a bumpy ride. I will do one treatment week of journal entries per post, and write a short reflection on it at the end.
This journal starts October 1st, 2007. None of the hospitalization part is included. That's in another journal that I can't locate. This is strictly the Kartini part. I started Day Treatment there October 1, 2007 and ended December 21, 2007. The only actual names used will be names of my animals. Everyone else will be initials. When it's a Kartini staff I'm talking about I will put a (k) next to their initial.
Mon, Oct 1, 2007
I guess we are supposed to write goals. Well, currently I suppose my goal is to get the fuck out of here. I just want to go home. But I suppose that I just feel overwhelmed because it's day one. Maybe after a week or 2 weeks go by I might feel a little better. Currently, I don't feel like anything will be able to squash this eating disorder. I hate it. But I love it too. Either way, I feel like this is going to be an extremely long week. At least I have tomorrow off. Today I am just testing the water. I must be very careful. Maybe for now I could just hope for recovery. But in all reality I would just rather be skinny.
I miss Bijou. And Lyrik and Muma. I just want to go back to my cozy bed.
I just saw a crow poop. For poop I guess it was cute. I love autumn! But I love winter even more, especially when it snows. I love snow.
I suppose my goal for recovery is to want it. That's the first step, right? To get it, you have to want it. As usual I'm the oldest. I knew that would happen. I hate being the oldest! I would so much rather be the youngest. This sucks. Maybe on Wednesday I will wear my pajama pants.
This room is trying so hard to be teenager-friendly. It is trying to be a hang-out place. Eh, not so much! I would rather be at home, rocking out to Avril or something.
I'm so sleepy. I want to lay down. My eyes keep trying to shut. ZZZZZ. I don't want to be here, I don't want to do group, I don't want to do crafts, I just want to go home!
Wed, Oct 3, 2007
Once again, words cannot express how much I don't want to be here. Everyone else is so skinny and I'm a huge fat lard! I'm also really, really tired. I'm trying to pretend that this is all just a game. First, we play the first part of the game called "gain" and then we will play the second part of the game, and it's called "lose." But in order to play the "lose" part, we must first play the "gain" part. Even though the "gain" part really sucks, you can't play the "lose" part without it. So it's worth it in the end.
Oh dear me! L just came in the room, said "Good morning wonderful Kate," and sat down and took out her bible! Isn't dealing with one K per lifetime enough?
I hate to admit that I'm actually hungry. I can smell breakfast and my stomach is growling. Sometimes, like right now, I just want to give up and go to sleep forever. Sleep is so nice. It feels so good cuz you can just let everything go and you don't have to worry about anything. It would be so very nice.
Q: What does the ED want me to do today?
A: Not eat, obviously! It wants me to restrict and lose weight. And I can say that as of day 2 in treatment, I agree with it! I hate being this way. I feel corpulent and humongous. It's terrible.
Q: What do I need to do today to be in recovery?
A: Ignore everything the ED wants me to do, which is obviously easier said than done! All I can do is try to turn my brain off mostly and not think further ahead than 5 minutes, just like I wrote in 9th grade.
Thinking hurts a lot right now, and unfortunately that's all I get to do all day here. Thank goodness this day only goes until 3:30. It's 9:15 right now - 6 hours and 15 minutes left in the treatment day. Then I get to go home and do stuff. Like sleep, maybe. And see the cockatiels.
Why do the people here keep trying to get me to knit?? I do not want to learn to knit! At St. Vincent it was all about crocheting... LOL! That word looks so funny. I'm just bothered by everything. I don't even want to write it all down cuz it will just make everything worse. It'll just make me feel worse.
Thurs, Oct 4, 2007
Happy birthday L! 23 years old. I really don't feel like journaling. I just want to go to sleep. I think I caught H's cold. Blah blah blah I really have nothing to say. Oh yes, I saw F yesterday. We hung out and talked for like half an hour. It was nice to see her. She likes my hair. Cool.
Apparently, the other 20 year old might be coming over from the hospital to come to group. It will be good for her to get out. Although therapy is quite difficult so she'll be glad to finally get back to her room, I'm sure.
Fri, Oct 5, 2007
I feel so numb. I can't think of anything to write, really. I don't feel like doing anything today. I just want to go home and sleep! I really need to get down to business on that stupid to-do list. We're listening to Colbie Caillat. It's kind of like country music. She's a pretty good singer I guess.
We went out for Thai food last night for our dinner outing. It was my first Thai experience. Pad Thai is pretty good. :)
So if I could meet any celebrity I guess I would choose Avril Lavigne. She seems like she'd be fun to hang out with. We'd probably go do something crazy, like go wreak havoc on the mall like she did in the "Complicated" video. I wish I was like her. I wish I was her!
The birds were cute this morning. Lyrik hissed and she squeaked. Unless it was a sneeze, which it might have been since she was perched on the water dish. Her little sneezing fits are the cutest! I love her.
It's so hilarious when my dad holds Muma. He always says, "beaky bird!" It's true, she is quite beaky. Very cute. And beaky.
P(k) is weird. I don't like how she keeps pressuring me to work on my stupid altered book! I don't really even want to do it! I don't really know why, I just don't. I'm sooooooo tired! I'm supposed to hang out with R tonight. That will be nice cuz I haven't seen her in 600 years.
I just misread a word on the board as "brat". Hahahaha!
Okay. That's the end of the first week. Reflecting on this, I see a common theme: sleep! All I wanted was to sleep! I do actually remember this. I was literally falling asleep sitting up. It was early, yeah, but.. I have to wonder how much of it was really me trying to dissociate and just "check out." I wanted it all to be a dream so badly. The part where I talk about pretending it's a game just kills me. I was hurting so badly here. I was terrified and stuck. Not good. But hang on, guys, it's gonna get worse before it gets better.
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