Sick! 2 Days Until L.A.

I know I typically post in Georgia font, but I like the new default one so I'm just going to leave it for a while.  Haha it's my blog, I can do that if I want to. ;)

Yesterday I woke up with the beginning of a sore throat.  I felt kind of achy all day and had a serious lack of energy.  I even texted one of the other instructors at Hardcore to see if she could sub my Zumba class last night.  She was the only one who would have been available to, but it turned out she couldn't so I had to go teach it anyway.

This morning I woke up with my nose and sinuses feeling like a dam.  Totally blocked!  My temperature was 99.4 when I woke up (and it is usually lower in the morning than throughout the rest of the day.)  My throat felt like I swallowed a bunch of tortilla chips whole!  

This is NOT good.  I have to go to the Zumba Conference on Thursday! I've been waiting all year for this.  I get sick maybe once a year... why did it have to be right now?

So I'm drinking tea, more tea, more tea, ginger ale (just because I like it) and lots of water.  I would love to rest, but my dogs won't allow that.  Constantly whining, barking, scratching, chewing... so needy.  Ugh!  Anyone want to borrow a cute pair of frenchies for the day?  Lol.  I love them but... I really don't LIKE them right now.

Proud of ME

This is what I wrote in my actual pen-and-paper journal last night.  I'll spare you the ridiculousness of the details, so take it in whatever context you like.  The "H" refers to my sister.

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Sunday January 26, 2014
6:30pm

I'm so tired of my family.  No, scratch that.  Just tired of families in general.  I get so full of dispair. Despair? Dispair? How the hell do you spell that?  My brain is like mashed potatoes.

How could they leave me out of Philly?  How can I ever get over that?  I would never ever ever EVER have dreamed of leaving H out of that.  Oh man oh man oh man that stings.  That really fucking hurts.
Honestly I can't figure it out.  I don't want to live with pain over that.  I'm not holding a grudge on purpose!  

I suggested a road trip for H & me to clear the air.  Stuck in a car so we can't run like we always do.  She wants to do it w/ a therapist but I said NO middle person.  They're never really neutral despite their best intentions, and everything ends up as my fault like it always was because I'm TOO loud, TOO explosive, TOO angry, TOO big, TOO hurt, TOO strong, overreacting, TOO narrow-minded, TOO untrustworthy, TOO right, TOO good, TOO proud, TOO pretty, TOO smart, TOO quick, TOO hard to handle, A FUCKING PROBLEM CHILD, not right, don't fit in, too fucking DIFFERENT than all of them who take up NO energetic space.  I'M BIG!!! And I'm fucking PROUD OF ME!!!

5 Days till L.A.!

Five more days until I leave for Los Angeles!!!  Zumba Conference 2014!  

I've been waiting all year for this!  Last year was so much fun.  Never in my life have I been so tired, but it was so much fun!  So many funny memories from that trip.  

Highlight Memories from Conference 2013

• Meeting Beto, creator of Zumba.
• Having a hilarious conversation about poop with 2 of my roommates.
• The Bollywood/Bhangra workshop
• Hundreds of people jumping at once broke the LA Convention Center 
• Dancing for hours with Alena at the Fitness Concert
• Seeing Pitbull, Mara, Beto and Lil John at the Fitness Concert
• Seeing Gina Grant walking by on the street
• Being so tired everything was funny
• Laying in bed (that I shared with Alena), face to face with her in the dark, staring at each other because our two other roommates were snoring so loudly!  I couldn't see her, and she couldn't see me, but we each knew the other was awake and hearing this craziness!
• Drinking L.I.F.E energy shots as though they were our liquid salvation
• "Pat your weave!"

Those are just a few of the things that happened that weekend!  My brain was so exhausted that there were a lot of things it couldn't hang on to.  I'm sure I'll be just as tired this time around!  It's Los Angeles so everything costs an arm and a leg, especially bottled water!!! We were so dehydrated last year.  This year I hope to get a hold of some more water, but other than that I'm sure I'll be just as shattered as I was last year.  But that's part of the fun.  It's a crazy, fast-paced, exhausting three days but I wouldn't miss it for anything!

The Vista - One Year Later

***ATTENTION!!!  This post talks about a traumatic event.  It talks about death and suicide.  If you are going to write a hateful comment on this post, be warned that I WILL DELETE IT!  I almost never do that but I will delete ALL HATE posted under this entry.  If you don't want to read it, then don't.  These events will be told as I remember them.  If you weren't there that day, then don't be telling me what I did or did not see.  THANK YOU!***

If you go to the archives of my blog, to January 2013, you will see an entry called The Vista Bridge (or something like that.)  It was posted January 23, 2013.  If you haven't yet read that entry, go read it now.  But beware, the content might be shocking.

3% of suicides in Oregon are the result of a fall.

Two days ago, on January 22nd, marked the first anniversary of the death of a girl who took her own life by jumping off the Vista Bridge in Portland.  I didn't know her.  It was a sad day for the people who did know her and loved her.  I have since found out her name, but that's really all I know. 

In 2012, 709 people in Oregon took their own lives. 

The things I saw that day when I drove beneath the bridge, just after she jumped, are imagines I can't erase from my memory.  It took several seconds before I could even comprehend what I was seeing!  I knew about that bridge's reputation, but it didn't really apply until right then.  One thing I know for sure - the way it looks in the movies and TV shows when someone jumps or falls off a building is NOT ACCURATE!  They don't land and just lay there with some blood trickling out from beneath their body.  No, it's more like the popping of a water balloon.  Things go up and out.  Blood goes up and out.  It's a very startling, shocking, horrifying thing to see.

Suicide rates are highest in the West.

There have been fences put up on the Vista now, in an attempt to deter people from jumping to their deaths off of it.  However, death struck the Vista again on January 2, 2014.  A 14 year old boy shot himself and tumbled off the Vista bridge, coming to rest on an embankment below.  This bridge!! I swear!  

Suicide rates among youth have declined, but not among adults.

I still feel sad when I think about that girl who died last January.  I was angry at first because a) I was horrified by what I saw and couldn't forget it, b) I wasn't the only one who had to see it and c) her family and friends lives would be forever incomplete from that moment forward.  I thought she was incredibly selfish and I was MAD at her!!!  But then... the initial shock wore off a little and I just felt so sad!  It was so fucking tragic.  She was so young.  If only someone had been up there and maybe could have said something.  Maybe if someone had smiled at her that day.  Or asked her how she was.  I mean.. I don't claim to know anything about her or her life but... damn.... it's just so sad!  She must have been so sad and in so much pain.  I hope that she is free from all that now.  Honest to god I really hope that.  And I wish for peace for her family and friends who must love and miss her so much.

(suicide statistics from http://www.oregonlive.com/living/index.ssf/2013/05/why_oregons_suicide_rate_is_am.html)

Stretch Armstrong

(***Note: I'm not pregnant!!!!! Before you freak out. Lol.  But this post is dealing with the topic of pregnancy.  Just so you know.)

You remember those little toys from the 90s (maybe they're still around now) that were little beige-ish men that you could stretch?  Like you could pull his arms and legs in opposite directions and he'd just stretch forever?  He was called Stretch Armstrong I think.  

I feel like that.

I'm 26, married, and we just bought a house.  What comes next?  Kids, right?  I have known for a long time that I definitely want kid(s).  Now that I'm married, it's kind of been on the forefront of my mind.  But here's where Stretch Armstrong comes in.

Part of me really wants to be a mom.  I know it will be hard, so don't think that I'm fooling myself into thinking it's a snap.  I'm not!  But I also know that kids fill your life the way nothing else can.  They make you whole.  I know I will love my kid(s) unconditionally, always, forever.  I'm not worried about that.

But part of me is pulling the other way, towards staying "little."  By little I mean young.  Carefree (for the most part.)  Spontaneous.  Living for myself.  Not that I've ever been the greatest at putting my needs first, but... I do things I want to do sometimes, rather than the things I need to do.  Nothing big.  I have a job, I always go to work.  But I mean like I should clean the kitchen, but I paint my nails instead.  Eventually the kitchen gets cleaned.  But just not right then.

And the sleep!  Oh... sleep.... That is one thing I'll miss for sure!  But not enough to deter me from wanting kids.

Then there's the whole "what will pregnancy do to my body?" aspect.  I'm not even going to go there!!!  Suffice it to say: I'm scared shitless.  But my desire to be a mom overrides my fear.  I've seen people "get their bodies back" time and again.  I know I can do it too.  The interim part scares me but... it's not forever.

Anyway.  I'm sure I'm not the only anorexic person ever to grapple with this, and I'm sure I won't be the last!  

On Track

So... I decided that protein is in order.  Lol!  I constantly feel like I've been hit by a bus.  So I've been drinking protein shakes for a while now.  I think... I THINK.... I may actually be starting to feel better!

Today so far I:
-had oatmeal with a banana
-met my mom to sign some documents
-got the mail
-synced and charged my iPod
-did 2 loads of laundry
-unloaded/reloaded the dishwasher
-went to the gym
-had a shower
-ate 2/3 of a protein shake

And it's only 1:17pm!  Now I have a coffee date with a friend before I start (nanny) work at 3.  I have my celery and my calorie free Walden Farms dressing packed in my bag.  I have my journal also packed.  I'm ready for this shit.  I just need to not eat anything aside from what I've planned.

So far so good!!! Wish me luck! xo

The Weirdest Thing I've Ever Seen, and other random stories.

Rough days.

The last few days haven't been super kind to me (and people close to me) so I've decided just to do a blog post of random memories.  Kinda funny to stand at the mouth of memory lane and see what comes up.

England, 2003

When I was 15, my dad took me on a trip to England to visit a friend of mine.  It was the craziest thing!! We just picked up and went, with no idea where exactly we were going or how exactly we'd get there.  Driving was the hardest thing ever.  I didn't drive, thankfully, but my dad did and we were super confused by the backwardness of it all.  The road, the car, but especially the traffic circles.  I believe they went around to the left!  Which would have been weird enough, but you had to yield the opposite way!  Needless to say we got honked at a lot.  We also couldn't find our hotel.  We were about to stop and ask at another hotel when I glanced out the window and saw it.... across the street!  Can you imagine?  "Yes, where is the Thistle hotel?" "...It's right across the street...."  

Saving the Day at Synagogue

 When I was about 7, my family went to Friday night services at Synagogue once.  At that time, Havurah Shalom was having their services in the Jewish Community Center.  Anyway, a bunch of people arrived only to find the door was locked.  As it happened, though, one of the classrooms on the ground floor had left their window open a few inches, and it had no screen.  My dad pushed the window open, lifted me up and I crawled through the window onto the counter.  I jumped off the counter, ran out the door and down the hall and opened the big front doors from the inside.  Hooray!!

The Guy That Fell From the Ceiling

My junior year of high school, a leak developed in our roof.  A guy named Dan came to fix it.  He climbed around on the roof for a while but eventually had to fix the leak from the inside.  He went into the attic and walked on plywood laying across the beams to get to the part of the roof that was leaking.  However, he stepped on the edge of the plywood and it flipped up behind him as though he had stepped on the edge of a rake.  He fell, feet first, into the cellulose insulation and sheet rock above the main hallway.  I was downstairs and heard a weird noise and I walked toward the hallway to investigate.  I stood there, dumbfounded, as the ceiling cracked open like a trapdoor and tons of grayish-black insulation and Dan's butt came down.  Dan managed to grab hold of one of the beams and hung there from the ceiling, covered in dust and cellulose, his feet at my eye level.  Through the gaping hole from which he dangled I heard my mom's voice, "oh... are you all right?"  Probably the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

5th Grade Lunch Helper

It was a big deal, in the 5th grade, to be chosen to be the Lunch Helper.  Every so often the cafeteria ladies would come to the classroom and ask for volunteers to help at lunchtime.  Usually, everyone's hand would shoot up because it meant you got to miss 15 minutes of math.  The downside was you had to dish up and hand out food to everyone (and not get to eat any of it yourself until after everyone else had eaten) and you had to wash tables with water that stunk like bleach.  However, after you finished, you got to take your time eating your lunch, whereas everyone else had 25 minutes tops.  5th grade was a tough year for me, socially.  I remember one day being in a fight with my 4 best friends and it was torture because I sat right next to them all.  They wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't look at me.  I knew I'd be eating lunch alone.  I was always sensitive, so that hurt.  When that lunch lady came in my hand shot up so fast she raised her eyebrows.  I'll also never forget that when she chose me, two of my "best friends" looked at one another and mouthed "yessss!"

Big Sister

Summer after 3rd grade was a great summer.  My best friend down the street had just had a swimming pool put in her back yard.  I was over there every day, swimming and playing with her.  It was an awesome summer!  One day in early August, I came home from swimming and my mom said she wanted to talk to me.  I had just turned 9 years old the week before.  She was upstairs making the bed.  I came in and sat on the bed for a second before I remembered she hated when I sat on the bed in my wet swimsuit.  She said nothing about that which I thought was odd.  She asked me, point blank, how I'd feel if our family adopted a baby.  I said something like, "um, okay. When?"  Fussing with a pillowcase she said, "Two weeks."  That was all the notice I had that I'd be a big sister.  Right on cue, 14 days later, my sister was born.  Oh how I loved her! (Still do.)  I also remember when we went to the airport to pick my mom up, we stopped for gas at a Chevron on Burnside next to a Volvo dealership (both of which are still there today) and as I walked to the car carrying my sister (until she got too heavy), these teenage girls stared and said "aww look at the baby!"  I can still hear their voices in my head, 17 and a half years later.