Proud of ME

This is what I wrote in my actual pen-and-paper journal last night.  I'll spare you the ridiculousness of the details, so take it in whatever context you like.  The "H" refers to my sister.

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Sunday January 26, 2014
6:30pm

I'm so tired of my family.  No, scratch that.  Just tired of families in general.  I get so full of dispair. Despair? Dispair? How the hell do you spell that?  My brain is like mashed potatoes.

How could they leave me out of Philly?  How can I ever get over that?  I would never ever ever EVER have dreamed of leaving H out of that.  Oh man oh man oh man that stings.  That really fucking hurts.
Honestly I can't figure it out.  I don't want to live with pain over that.  I'm not holding a grudge on purpose!  

I suggested a road trip for H & me to clear the air.  Stuck in a car so we can't run like we always do.  She wants to do it w/ a therapist but I said NO middle person.  They're never really neutral despite their best intentions, and everything ends up as my fault like it always was because I'm TOO loud, TOO explosive, TOO angry, TOO big, TOO hurt, TOO strong, overreacting, TOO narrow-minded, TOO untrustworthy, TOO right, TOO good, TOO proud, TOO pretty, TOO smart, TOO quick, TOO hard to handle, A FUCKING PROBLEM CHILD, not right, don't fit in, too fucking DIFFERENT than all of them who take up NO energetic space.  I'M BIG!!! And I'm fucking PROUD OF ME!!!