Frustration

I apologize in advance for this post.  I really have no idea what I'm about to type!  Trigger warning, possibly.  

Okay, that last sentence just made me crack up laughing.  This whole blog should have a trigger warning pasted on it in neon letters!  

I feel as though I am living a very torn life right at this moment.  One the one hand, there is a great big part of my brain that screams things such as the following at me every day:
"Lose weight!"
"You're fat!"
"Don't eat that!!"
"You're stupid and ugly!"
"You don't deserve that food."
"You're disgusting and huge."
"Don't eat anymore."
"You can't have that."
"That isn't safe!"
"You're going to get humongous."
"You're a terrible person."
"No one cares about you."

It's in this horrible, soft, crooning voice.  Well, not actually a voice but if it had a voice that is how it would sound.  Like a whisper right in my ear.  Like a lullaby of horrible sentences.

Then there's this other great big part of my brain that says things like this:
"Your body does a lot for you."
"You are very lucky."
"You have lots going for you."
"Food is not poison."
"Moderation."
"You like this food, eat some!"
"You want to be a mother someday, treat your body well."
"It is normal to eat this food."
"It'll be fine."
"It won't make you fat."
"You're not fat!"

Now how is that for confusing??  Sometimes I get both of those "voices" at the same time, one over the other, or back and forth like an argument.  When that happens, it goes like this:

"Don't eat that."
"You like this food, eat some!"
"You can't have that."
"It is normal to eat this food."
"You'll get humongous!"
"Moderation."
"You don't deserve this food."
"You want to be a mother someday, treat your body well."
"You're disgusting and huge."
"You're not fat!"
"Don't eat that!"
"It won't make you fat."
"You're a terrible person."
"You're very lucky."
"No one cares about you."
"You have lots going for you."

It's like a lovers quarrel.  Don't ask why I refer to myself in as "you".  I really have no idea.  That's just the way my eating disorder talks to me, and the way my rational brain talks back.  Or it tries, anyway!  Most of the time that rational voice gets shoved out of the way.  Any time I eat anything, I am doused with guilt.  I'm saturated with it.  It's the kind of guilt that makes your blood turn icy and you think, "what have I done?"  

The moment I start feeling hungry, I start feeling guilty too.  And desperate.  And scared.  A very trapped feeling like, "get me out of here!!!"  But I can't escape it.  My eating disorder brain says "go to bed.  Ignore it.  Don't give in!"  But then my body and my rational brain are like, "um no.  I'm hungry.  Go have an apple or some oatmeal or something!"  Even if it's healthy stuff like that, I feel so so so guilty.  There aren't words in the English language to describe how bad it feels to know I'm about to eat something that I'm going to regret in 10 minutes.  I know it's coming - I just can't stop it unless I just don't eat it.  But that's not the right thing to do either!  So what is?  I have to choose between making one side of my brain happy, or the other.  That isn't fair!!!! I'm so mad about it!  But that is life for now.  Maybe forever.  I have anorexia and I will have it to one degree or another for the rest of my life.