Thursday, July 21, 2016
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
House Is CLEAN
The house is clean (or at least the main floor and most of the upstairs, except Mara's room) and I really should be studying but Mara has been asleep for 2 hours and I need to get her up soon, so I see no point in studying right now.
I feel really drained right now. Corky and I had an argument last night. Nothing major, just an argument like couples have, but it was draining and I've felt so beaten down all day. I didn't sleep well either, which doesn't help matters any.
I've always had a hot temper. Always. Ever since I was a little tiny kid. It was kind of funny because as a young child (toddler all the way through elementary school years) I was so different inside than outside. If you had looked at me, you'd have seen this petite little blonde-haired kid with big blue eyes. I was very somber looking as a young child. I was sparing with my smiles. I was not overly social and preferred to hang out close to my parents. I was very active but not a fan of crowds. I didn't like "people", I liked "person." But as soon as someone got me angry about something.... oh man. I had a fiery temper, hotter than any of my friends. Maybe it's the Leo in me but once I get fired up about something, I'm a goner. My fuse is short and it doesn't regenerate fast.
Over the years I've gotten a lot better. My fuse has lengthened (although when it was so short to begin with I guess that's not really saying much). My temper isn't as hot. But it's still there. And there's only so much I can do with it. Sometimes I feel like a failure, especially as a mother, when I can't tame it as well as some people think I should. I do the best I can most of the time. I'm sure I could do better but sometimes there isn't much I can do except hang on for the ride.
Something to think about, for sure.
I feel really drained right now. Corky and I had an argument last night. Nothing major, just an argument like couples have, but it was draining and I've felt so beaten down all day. I didn't sleep well either, which doesn't help matters any.
I've always had a hot temper. Always. Ever since I was a little tiny kid. It was kind of funny because as a young child (toddler all the way through elementary school years) I was so different inside than outside. If you had looked at me, you'd have seen this petite little blonde-haired kid with big blue eyes. I was very somber looking as a young child. I was sparing with my smiles. I was not overly social and preferred to hang out close to my parents. I was very active but not a fan of crowds. I didn't like "people", I liked "person." But as soon as someone got me angry about something.... oh man. I had a fiery temper, hotter than any of my friends. Maybe it's the Leo in me but once I get fired up about something, I'm a goner. My fuse is short and it doesn't regenerate fast.
Age 2
eating a cupcake, 3 years old
3 years old, petting a cockatoo in Hawaii
Age 5, end of Kindergarten
6th birthday, July 1993
1st grade, Halloween, age 6
Over the years I've gotten a lot better. My fuse has lengthened (although when it was so short to begin with I guess that's not really saying much). My temper isn't as hot. But it's still there. And there's only so much I can do with it. Sometimes I feel like a failure, especially as a mother, when I can't tame it as well as some people think I should. I do the best I can most of the time. I'm sure I could do better but sometimes there isn't much I can do except hang on for the ride.
Something to think about, for sure.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
YouTube Video About the Last Half Marathon
I made another YouTube video. I had been trying for days to make a blog post about the half marathon on 7/4/16 but I just couldn't get it to happen. So I made a video instead, explaining why that was very likely my last half marathon.
Click HERE to watch the video.
Click HERE to watch the video.
Monday, July 11, 2016
I'm NOT Pregnant!
I swear I'm not pregnant. I just eat weird food!
Right now for lunch I'm eating:
Leftover spaghetti squash
Tomato sauce
Black beans
and
Avocado
All mixed together.
And it's delicious!!! Lol
Happy MONDAY! :)
Right now for lunch I'm eating:
Leftover spaghetti squash
Tomato sauce
Black beans
and
Avocado
All mixed together.
And it's delicious!!! Lol
Happy MONDAY! :)
Sunday, July 3, 2016
2 New YouTube Videos
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Angry ED Post
***TRIGGER WARNING***
I have no idea what is going to come out in this post so I apologize in advance.
I am having SUCH a shitty day with food. I am just so fucking hungry all the time and I really hate it. I work out a lot, I know, but I perceive I look so humongous and giant and disgusting that I want to just starve. But I still nurse Mara (much less than before but.. just for comfort) and if I quit eating then my milk supply will dry up completely. It's not fair to her.
But feeling this way isn't fair to me! I'm such a fucking pig. I'm a lazy, stupid, fat bitch. I want to crawl out of my fucking skin right now. Life is hard. Life is fucking hard. I know there's people in the world who have it way worse than me but you know what? Right now? Life is fucking hard. My head is a shitty place to be right now. I want to build a fucking time machine and go back and not eat anything. Ever. Ever again.
I want to cry but I can't. The tears won't come out. What good would it do anyway? I've been struggling so much recently but nobody wants to hear about it so I just keep it to myself. Just box it up and shove it away somewhere in my brain. Well. Storage is full. Overflow.
It's been a really long time since I've felt this way. Like, to this extent. I haven't made a post like this on here in a long time. I guess maybe I'm not recovered after all........
I have no idea what is going to come out in this post so I apologize in advance.
I am having SUCH a shitty day with food. I am just so fucking hungry all the time and I really hate it. I work out a lot, I know, but I perceive I look so humongous and giant and disgusting that I want to just starve. But I still nurse Mara (much less than before but.. just for comfort) and if I quit eating then my milk supply will dry up completely. It's not fair to her.
But feeling this way isn't fair to me! I'm such a fucking pig. I'm a lazy, stupid, fat bitch. I want to crawl out of my fucking skin right now. Life is hard. Life is fucking hard. I know there's people in the world who have it way worse than me but you know what? Right now? Life is fucking hard. My head is a shitty place to be right now. I want to build a fucking time machine and go back and not eat anything. Ever. Ever again.
I want to cry but I can't. The tears won't come out. What good would it do anyway? I've been struggling so much recently but nobody wants to hear about it so I just keep it to myself. Just box it up and shove it away somewhere in my brain. Well. Storage is full. Overflow.
It's been a really long time since I've felt this way. Like, to this extent. I haven't made a post like this on here in a long time. I guess maybe I'm not recovered after all........
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