***TRIGGER WARNING***
I have no idea what is going to come out in this post so I apologize in advance.
I am having SUCH a shitty day with food. I am just so fucking hungry all the time and I really hate it. I work out a lot, I know, but I perceive I look so humongous and giant and disgusting that I want to just starve. But I still nurse Mara (much less than before but.. just for comfort) and if I quit eating then my milk supply will dry up completely. It's not fair to her.
But feeling this way isn't fair to me! I'm such a fucking pig. I'm a lazy, stupid, fat bitch. I want to crawl out of my fucking skin right now. Life is hard. Life is fucking hard. I know there's people in the world who have it way worse than me but you know what? Right now? Life is fucking hard. My head is a shitty place to be right now. I want to build a fucking time machine and go back and not eat anything. Ever. Ever again.
I want to cry but I can't. The tears won't come out. What good would it do anyway? I've been struggling so much recently but nobody wants to hear about it so I just keep it to myself. Just box it up and shove it away somewhere in my brain. Well. Storage is full. Overflow.
It's been a really long time since I've felt this way. Like, to this extent. I haven't made a post like this on here in a long time. I guess maybe I'm not recovered after all........
Recovery isn't black and white. I think even the most recovered of us are still susceptible to triggers and bad days and slip ups. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but I hope you feel better soon. Do you still have contact with any therapists/psychs, or even a doctor you could talk to?
ReplyDeleteAnd please don't apologize. Your blog is here for you when you need to get these things out. If you keep it all bottled up, the lid will pop off eventually and spray a mess everywhere. The first step to working through it, is talking about it.
Sending love and hugs <3
xxBella
We all have our days. You will get through this. You are such an amazing mother to Mara and your 2 pups! And you are an amazing athlete and runner. It's ok to give in to hunger, you have to fuel your body to be the best mother to Mara and to have energy to keep up with all of your activities.
ReplyDeleteI know it's easier said than done, but this too shall pass. Sending lots of love your way! <3