Cocoa, coffee and diet coke

Good Morning!

And happy Friday.

Or so they tell me.

Cocoa, coffee and diet coke are the last 3 things I've put in my mouth.  The cocoa is, of course, fat free (20 cal!)  Besides those things, I've had 1 apple and 1 greek yogurt (together about 130 cal)  And I've already taught 1 Zumba class, and have one more to go.  It's one of those days.

I am working on a cool thing for you guys.  I am going to put together a biggish compilation of ghost experiences.  Mine, and others.  If anyone reading this has any ghost experiences they'd like to see up on this blog, send it to me!  All comments have to be approved to show up here (I think!), so if you want to remain anonymous, just say so in the comment and I'll "deny" it after I copy down your story.  That way I'll have the info but your name won't be connected to it on here for all to see.

On this blog I have shared with you a few ghost encounters.  There are more to come.  

Also, I wrote this the other week.  It sounded like something out of Seventeen Magazine but I like it all the same. LOL.

Top 10 Reasons Why Zumba Is Good For You - NOT Related to Calories/Weigh! (written by me!)

1) It's fun! Zumba is a workout in disguise. By the time the hour has passed, you're stunned to find you're tired. That was a workout? What??

2) It builds confidence. There's no feeling in the world quite like mastering a particularly tricky Zumba step. That bubbly feeling rises up and explodes on your face in a smile. Just wait until you know the choreography better than the instructor does. You'll feel like a million bucks!

3) It improves your dance moves. Take Zumba to the clubs? Heck yes! Once you have begun to master the art of booty-shaking, there's no stopping you! Also you learn to pay close attention to rhythm - a very helpful thing in the nightclubs or dancing with your sweetheart.

4) You meet people. I've met some of my very best friends because of Zumba! If your instructor does something kooky, you can turn to the person next to you and have a good guffaw at yourselves trying to do the same. It's a good link.

5) You'll hear good music. Need some new tunes to jam out to? Zumba music is surprisingly catchy! Use SoundHound to name that song or just ask your instructor if one catches your ear. The beat and bass are great to blast while you zoom down the highway! Maybe you'll find a whole new kind of music you love!

6) It releases endorphins. Endorphins make you feel good. Enough said!

7) It's good for your heart. Zumba is great cardiovascular exercise. We all know that cardio helps keep your heart healthy. Also, Zumba can be done year round, so you don't have to worry about building up stamina to frolic in the summer sun - you'll already have it!

8)You can wear bright colors! You know that crazy shade of green that you love but would never wear out? Or that bright turquoise sports tank you love but are too shy to wear to the gym? Well unearth those garments, it's time to shine bright! ZumbaWear comes in all colors and shades. Don't be shy, stand out!

9) You'll learn about culture. A lot of the steps in Zumba are from traditional dances from cultures around the world. In doing research or talking with your instructor, you can find out a lot about a culture through their styles of dance. Some are pretty self-explanatory (machete, anyone?)

10) Dance for great causes! Zumba Fitness teams up with many different organizations to make a difference. The Great Calorie Drive lets you actually donate calories to help stop hunger. How awesome is that?? Together We Dance (to cure ALS) raises money to help find a cure for Lou Gehrig's disease. Be a part of something big! Help yourself and others, all while having a blast.

See you on the dance floor. XO 

Happy Memorial Day!!!
be safe. have fun. don't get too drunk.
xoxoxoxo

Miscellaneous

Hello world.

I'm still here.

I feel like I should blog tonight but.... what am I going to say?  My brain feels like a big piece of mush.  Honestly I just can't come up with something to write about.  Where's my energy?  Gone!  

I got blood drawn today.  We'll see how that looks.  Probably it'll be fine.  I just feel like crap for no good reason.  Isn't that how it always works?  You feel horrible, go to the doctor and they're like "you're fine!"  

Tomorrow I have some appointments.  Nutritionist in the morning.  What is the point?  What a waste of time.  Then I get to see my FAVORITE THERAPIST!!!! She's a PMHNP.  I've been seeing her since 2007.  I get to bring my puppy, Jax, to that appointment.  Oh my gosh she's going to just adore him!  So I guess that's good.  I'm pretty excited about that.

My puppy.... oh my.  He is a cute little f*ck!  Annoying at times, sure, but he's a puppy!  Chews on everything, pees in the house sometimes (sometimes out, like he's supposed to) and does the cutest stuff ever!  He wrestles with Abby, gives kisses, barks and growls at random stuff, hops around, chases toys... omg.  He's adorable and I love him so much.  Currently, he's asleep next to Corky on the couch.  Abby's there too.  They're watching Big Brain Theory.  My IQ is actually higher than most of the people on that show.  Interesting.

Bridesmaids dresses are ordered.  Bridesmaids gifts are purchased.  Wedding gown selected.  So that's good.

My bestie comes a week from tomorrow and my bachelorette party is a week from Saturday.  It's going to be an awesome weekend.  Many pictures to come, I'm sure!  My bestie, G, lives in Canada so I almost never get to see her in person.  We've been friends since 2005!  

This evening I rushed to the aid of my other bestie.  She was having a bad day and needed some support.  Yeah, it was tough to rush out of therapy and drive in horrendous traffic all the way out to the gym to help lift her up during her Zumba class, but isn't that what friends do for each other?  She's my bestie.  I love her.  And I know that if I say "help me," she'll be there in a second.

Corky is talking about Jax's hairy wiener.  LOL.  Bye.

Jax Peppers McGee

He's here!

Jax giving me kisses within minutes of meeting <3 5.17.13

I love him!

sleepy baby

Jax and Abby chilling out together

Happiness is a warm, sleeping puppy

Passed. Out.

My little sleeper

My bulldogs sleep in weird places

(tonight 5.19.13)

My baby comes home TOMORROW!

My sweet baby boy Jax Peppers McGee will be arriving on a United flight (LOL) tomorrow at 2:24pm!! I can pick him up at 3:00pm!!!!! I AM BEYOND EXCITED!!!!!! I have been waiting since he was 3 weeks old.  He had to be 8 weeks old to ship.  Today is his 8 week birthday and tomorrow he will come home to Corky, Abby and me.  Here are Jax's baby pics, sent from the breeder every week.  (She only sent us up through last week, since he's coming home this week.)  Enjoy!  His cuteness practically blinds me!

3 weeks old

3 weeks old

3 weeks old

4 weeks

4 weeks (look at that face!)

4 weeks

4 weeks! (BELLY!!!!)

5 weeks (the bat ears arrive!)

5 weeks

5 weeks (hiney!!)

5 weeks

6 weeks!!

6 weeks

6 weeks (omg I love him)

6 weeks (what an attitude!)

I live for..

Globophobia

Am I on reality TV?

Seriously... is there a camera on me and I don't know it??

Do you ever get it where phases of stuff happens to you?  My sister's friend the other day told me that she's been hearing the name "Lee Harvey Oswald" several times per day.  I went through a thing a few months ago where I was stepping on strawberries everywhere I went!  I stepped on a strawberry on campus, I stepped on one walking into the gym, I saw a smushed one on the pavement when I was stuck in traffic on highway 217, I stepped on one in a parking lot - all within two weeks!  It was so weird.

Well, strawberries don't post much of a problem for me.  But the lastest "phase" I've been encountering is a little more problematic!  

Balloons!

Oh no... please no.  Not balloons.  Anything but balloons!!!  I HATE balloons!  Really, I do.  I am a globophobe, meaning I'm phobic of balloons.  More like I'm phobic of them popping.  I hate those f*ckers!  I should take this moment to specify: I'm phobic of latex balloons.  The mylar kind I'm fine with.  The latex ones?  I can't deal with them.  You know how there are those signs with balloons tied to the top, like advertising new homes or such?  When I walk by those signs I always speed up to get past.  I could never work at Red Robin because they always have to blow up helium balloons to give to children.  No way.  

It all started about two weeks ago.  I was driving somewhere and a blue latex balloon came bouncing across the street and vanished under my car.  I freaked!  I didn't want to drive forward because I was afraid I'd pop it!  I know that sounds ridiculous - I'm in a car, right?  Well, phobias don't abide by the laws of rationality (as we well know!)  I couldn't see the balloon anywhere, so I crept forward slowly until I saw it appear in my side mirror, and then I drove away.

Four days later it happened again, only this time the balloon was yellow and I was trying to make a right turn.  Same thing happened.  Freak out, look for balloon, unable to see balloon, creep forward, get honked at by car behind me, locate balloon safely out of the way, drive off.

Well, today it reached a new height.  I was walking to my car after class.  I was waiting at the crosswalk to get over Market Street... and it happened.  A balloon, pink this time, materialized across Market Street!  I don't know where it came from.  I didn't see it coming out of anyplace, it seemed as though it just suddenly came into being there.  And it blew...
...across Market Street...
...over the curb...
...and right into my legs!  It bopped around there for a second, banging back and forth between my shins, then zoomed around behind me and flew out of sight down the street.

OMG!!!!!!

I was horrified!  You know how when you're walking down the street or like in a hallway at the mall or something and someone is coming right toward you and you try to move one way or the other to get out of the way, and they move the same way?  And then you're kind of like dancing with the person?  Well, that's what I was doing with the balloon!  I couldn't get away from it!!! It was awful LOL!!!  I felt this scream bubbling up in my throat but I didn't dare let it out because there were people all around and I'd have looked like an idiot for sure!

If this is the pattern the balloon phase is taking, I shudder to think of what will come next!

I have no idea where my globophobia came from, but I've had it as long as I can remember. It makes things difficult sometimes.  I had a dream not too long ago about a balloon popping.  Well, actually, it didn't pop but it was about to.  In my dream (nightmare) someone was holding a yellow latex balloon and was squeezing it.  I woke up yelling "NO!"   Poor Corky was scared awake by my yelling.

It's so bizarre.  Who is phobic of balloons?  LOL honestly!

Here's some random pictures of colorful bubbles at the Carwash to brighten your day!

Stay tuned for a PUPPY UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jax McGee comes on Friday!!! :D <3

Kartini Journal Part 7

Please see Part 1 for disclaimer and descriptions.

Ok.. getting toward the final stretch now.  Let's roll!

Mon, Dec 3, 2007
I really don't want to be here today.  I think it's so unfair that D is getting out before me.  I hate that I have to have an extension.  I don't want to stay here any longer than 10 weeks.  Grrr!
I keep getting cramps but my period just will NOT come!
Who in the world is Michael Bublé?  I've heard of him but I have no idea who he is.  We are listening to Frank Sinatra singing "Under My Skin."  Now it's Cuando, Cuando, Cuando.
Gosh I really don't feel like being here.  I just want to be skinny.  Like L.  She's so skinny.  It's not fair.  My poor dad has to have a colonoscopy today.  He'll be glad to get that over with, I'm sure.
I was supposed to have family therapy today but apparently it got changed.  I forgot to ask J(k) when it got switched to.  Oh well.
OMG I weight myself on friday.  I FREAKED OUT!  Cuz it said XXX [I won't put numbers here]!  Isn't that horrible?!  I just can't wait to et out of here and go back to being skinny.

Still Monday
This guy C from DTU [day treatment unit] is back in the hospital.  Poor guy.  He doesn't even get to see his parents.  Like M.  Poor M.  I heard her crying one day.  It was so sad.
I wish I could meet Emily Deschanel.  She's so incredibly awesome.  Or her sister, Zooey Deschanel.  They're both so pretty.  I wonder if they're nice people...?
It's R(k)'s group, CBT, right now.  I don't particularly care for this group.  It's a bit boring.  Hmm...
Gosh my hair smells sooooooo good!  I (heart) this new shampoo & conditioner.  Except it makes my hair all crunchy.  Oh well.  At least it smells good.
Some how the conversation switched to Taco Bell.  I don't know how that happened.  Now we are arguing.  Kind of. And I got interrupted.  I hate that!  It's one of my pet peeves!  And nobody even noticed.  Of course.  Because everybody is so wrapped up in their silly little lives that they don't even notice when they're being rude! Grrr.
I just want to be done with this ridiculous program.  I hate it here.  I want my life back.  My own life, my own way.  I miss it.  I miss myself.  I miss being XXX lbs.  I will get there again.  If it's the last thing I do I will get there again.  I hate looking like this.  I just hate it.  

Still Monday
Letter to myself from myself in late 20's:
Dear Kate,
Firstly, the most important thing you must remember is that this too shall pass.  You won't be in Kartini forever.  The minutes pass, the days go by.  Soon you will be through it.  Just hold on.
Secondly, I must tell you that there is life without an eating disorder.  There are ways to be happy with yourself that don't involve starving to death.  You can achieve your goals.  But you can't if your eating disorder takes control of you.  You can't focus on school if your brain is starved.  How would you become a translator if you can't focus?
Giving up your eating disorder is the best thing you can do for yourself.  With it, you have no future.  Without it, you might live to die another day.
-Kate

Still Monday
Ho hum.  I am quite bored.  Right now it's about 4:20.  Hee hee!

Wednesday, Dec 5, 2007
It is almost 9 in the morning.  I have 16 days until I'm done with IOP.  I can make it for 16 more days.  That is all the time I have left to enjoy eating because after that it's back to being skinny again.  I can't wait to see the look on the doctors faces when they examine me and find that I've lost X lbs in a week!  I'm just faking it.  Biding my time until I can get OUT of here and look the way I want again.
K is sleeping and D is taking the nail polish off her nails.  Gosh my foot hurts.  It's weird, there's a swollen, slightly discolored spot and it's agony when I walk.  I hope it's not a tumor!  That would totally suck.
Last night for Hanukkah my parents gave me Squawkers McCaw.  He's sooooooo cute!  I don't know what I will name him but he's awfully cute.  Bijou didn't like him though.  She was hissing and rocking back and forth with her headfeathers up.  She's such a darling!
OMG I really do not want to be in Kartini anymore.  I'm sick of it!
No P(k), I do not need a journal prompt.  *sigh*
Hahaha!  P(k) told K to journal about how her stomach hurts and K went, "really?" LOL.  It was funny.  I hate how P(k) enunciates.  Her S's are so irritatingly sharp.  And she keeps smacking.  I'M SO ANNOYED!  Now she is going on about her lanyard on her glasses.  That ugly one.  Ew.  She says she took it off.  Good decision.
Now we're listening to Hey There Delilah.  I'm quite tired of this song.  I've heard it enough.  The word "good" is weird.
OMG I'm so fat.  It's disgusting.  I remember being like XXXlb and thinking I was disgustingly fat.  Ha!  Well what about now?? XXX definitely means F.A.T!

Still Wednesday
It's definitely much quieter in here without L.  L(k) is here right now.  D is talking about being crazy.  
I really wish I had no love handles.  I wish it so badly.  I just can't wait to get skinny again.  Grrr!

I have family therapy today at 3.  I wonder what we'll talk about.  I was so mad last night cuz my sister didn't finish her fruit salad and my mom said NOTHING!  I thought she said that wouldn't happen anymore.  It's not fair.  Why does my sister get to be skinny and I can't?  It's just not fair.
I'm so tired.  I just want to go home and sleep.

Thurs, Dec 6, 2007
Goooooood Morning!  Not.  I'm so tired today.  I totally didn't want to wake up today.  15 more days until I'm done with DTU.  I can make it for 15 more days.
I need to start working on my post-DTU plan.  Or continue working on it, I guess.
Ugh!  Fergie's song is playing on K's computer.  I'm quite sick of this song. :(  It is rather triggering, not to mention it brings back painful memories.
I miss being skinny.  I miss myself.  I want myself back.  I hate how I am right now.  I hate who I am, how I look.  I swear as soon as I get out of DTU I'm going back to XXX lbs!  They can't make me stay at XXX.  No way, No how!
My stomach hurts cuz I'm hungry I think.  It feels like it's eating itself.  What an odd feeling.  I must go swimming again today after DTU.  And tomorrow too.  Then maybe on Saturday I will go cross country skiing with K.  If J(k) says its okay, that is.  I will be very surprised if she says no.  But why would she let me go shopping with D which is quite possibl the most triggering thing ever, and not let me go skiing with K in 600 layers?

Still Thursday
What is P(k) going on about?!  The festival of St. Nicholas in Holland or something.  *sigh* Anyway.
My foot hurts still.  I have no idea what happened to it to cause it to hurt so much.  Oh well.  I just hope it's not cancerous.  I'm not ready to die.  I'm tired too.  I just want to go to sleep.  I hate long days here, like Mondays and Thursdays.  :(  
P(k) is such an ugly weird freak.  EW.  She keeps wanting us to do these weird crafts.  Gosh I hate the way she talks!  It's so annoying.

Still Thursday
We just danced for the DTU.  That girl M.C is such a brat.  She's just not very nice.  At all.  Why do people have to be rude to other people?  What is the point of being rude?  Does it really help anything?  No.  It doesn't.
Now it's bodyworks group and R(k) is here.  We are talking about catty people.  It's so pointless.  All it does is cause people to lose respect for you.

Hmm.... I just walked into a reeeaaallllyyyy awkward conversation!

My foot hurts!  I want to go to the doctor.  Get an X-ray.  I wonder if I have a stress fracture.  That would be weird.  I don't know how that would have occurred.  
I just want to go home.  I'm tired.  I don't want to be here anymore.  I'm sick and tired of treatment.  It gets stressful, sometimes, trying to bridge the gap between D and the others. Namely K.  And now that L is gone, I'm the only other person here besides the 2 of them.
I'm so triggered.  I just want to be skinny again.  I hate my gross flabby body.  It's so nasty. I hate it.  Ew.
I wonder what I'll get for Hanukkah tonight, if I will even get anything.  I don't really expect anything I guess.  Although my sister will probably get something.

Mon, December 10, 2007
Today was supposed to be my last day. :(  I wish it was.  But nooooo!  I still have 2 more weeks.
I miss L.  I wish she were still here.  However, there is apparently a new girl int he hospital now.  J(k) said she just got admitted around lunchtime.  I wonder if she'll come to group.
K has passed out on the couch.  Again.  I don't know why she does that.  I'm surprised the group leaders don't get all offended.

Wednesday, Dec 12, 2007
K is out sick today.  She has the stomach flu.  I can't say I miss her.  She always smacks and steals our gum.  It is very annoying.
I cannot wait to be done with DTU.  I swear, it seems like it will never get here!  :(  Why is it that everything you can't stand to wait one more second for has to take a million years to arrive??
Apparently the stomach flu is circulating around the Ronald McDonald house.  I hope I don't catch it, seeing as I'm going to stay with D for awhile.  I was going to stay with her last night but I was homesick so I made up a reason why I couldn't stay.  Thankfully, D was very understanding about the whole thing.
I have F today again.  I think I will go swimming afterwards, before I go to D's.  Or maybe I will swim before F.  Yes, I think that is what I'll do.  That way I will get to D's earlier because apparently we are going out with some people for dinner tonight.
I feel nauseated.  I hope I'm not catching the stomach flu.  I hate puking.  I really do.  I haven't thrown up in almost 3 years, and before that it had been 7 years.  I think that's a pretty good record. [*note: now it's been 8 years.]
Anyway, that's why I could never be bulimic.  I hate puking.  Even though I did try to induce, I don't think I would have liked it much if I had succeeded.  Puking is gross.  It tastes nasty, burns your throat and it smells awful.
I'm very tired, good night.

Still Wednesday
I cannot express how much I can't wait to be done with DTU!  The time just drags by so frickin slowly.  I get out a week from this Friday, but I swear it feels like it will never ever get here.  
B(k) is here for check-in group.  I guess it's not so bad.  I still wish we had L(k) instead but it's not that bad with B(k).  Better than if it were G(k)!  Sheesh.
I miss Bijou.  She's so cute.  I (heart) her.  Muma was hissy and beaky this morning.  I was skritching her and she had her eyes closed.  It was so cute!  I (heart) Muma.  And Lyrie.  
My hair is getting long!  Soon I won't even need extensions.  Lol.

Thurs, Dec 13, 2007
K is back again.  Joyousness. :(  Smacking as usual.  It's so annoying.

Last night I went with D and her mom to this place called the Tin Shed.  We ate dinner with a bunch of people who D's mom (and D) knew.  Then we watched the movie Sunset Boulevard.  The only problem was that it was outside and it was FREEZING!  Anyway, the movie didn't end until almost ten, so I didn't get home until 10:30.  Needless to say, I'm very tired today.

Yesterday M said she was gonna hang out with two of her friends and that they might smoke pot.
L.C. keeps bugging me to hang out.  I don't know how to tell her "no" so I just keep ignoring her texts.
D keeps undoing and redoing her nails the same color.  I don't know why.
OMG K IS CHEWING HER GUM SO FREAKIN LOUD! I'M GONNA DIE! :(

Friday, Dec 14, 2007
I just talked to J(k) about making a No Gum rule.  She said I have to say something to K. :(  I will not.  I'll just suffer through it in silence.  As usual.
I hung out with D last night.  We went to this smelly pool hall out on Powell, and the toilets didn't flush very well.  Then, after D's mom beat us terribly, we left and went to the Barnes & Noble at Lloyd Center.  And we hung out there until my dad came and got me.  He got me a chicken calendar.  It's really cute.  I (HEART) CHICKENS!
P(k) said we can tell her to stop talking.  So, uh, P(k), stop talking!  Gosh she's so irritating!
Poor D.  K took 2 blankets and D is freezing.  :( K is rather selfish, I believe.
Haha! P(k) is talking about riding a bike to work.  What a sight that would be!  As if she's not enough of a weird freak already, let's add a bicycle!  And D just tried to tell P(k) about Running Start and P(k) goes "Morning Star?"  Ugh what a freak! >:(
I'm so tired, I just want to go home and sleep!
P(k) just asked me if I was going to be here up until Christmas.  As if!
Good night.

Monday, Dec 17, 2007
We got 2 new people in the DTU today.  Well, actually, one of them was in the little kids DTU so she's not exactly new, but still.
P(k) says she wants to listen to Bond.  Hmm.  Cuz I mentioned that Bond plays Pachelbel's Canon.  
Today is D's last day. :(  She's been going on all last week about how it was her last Wednesday, Thursday, etc.
I really better get going on this journal if I ever expect to finish it by the end of DTU.
I will miss D when she leaves.  She is one of my good friends now, so it will suck when she's gone.
I can't wait to go snowboarding!  I'm so excited to use my new board.  I still need to get bindings and boots, but soon that will happen.  Maybe even tonight.  I bet I can convince my dad to go with me to Sports Authority.
We went to the mall yesterday but I didn't buy anything.  My mom got me socks from Journey's but that's it.
I've started writing another story.  Another one about anorexia.  I know I already wrote one about that but I don't feel like it was particularly well written or very realistic either.
Tonight, for dinner, we are getting take-out from P.F. Changs.  Except for A, the new girl, who has to eat the regular dinner food.  Poor girl.

Still Monday
Writing Group

My secret:
My secret is a secret.  That's why it's named that.  I can't say what my secret is, cuz then it wouldn't be a secret anymore.  It's kinda like when you say "expect the unexpected."  Then, if you do that, the unexpected becomes the expected.  So then you're really saying "expect the expected," which doesn't sound quite the same somehow.
A secret can be a dangerous thing.  Sometimes, they can also be very obvious.  Like with ED.  You might think it's a secret but everyone can see it, so it's not really a secret after all, is it?
[my secret was that I was still sick.]

Still Monday
I can't believe it's finally my last week!  I've waited so long for this!  I just want to be skinny again.  It's not fair.  Why do I have to be so humongous?  It's disgusting.  Everyone else is so skinny and I'm a blimp.

Wednesday, Dec 19, 2007
I have J(k) any minute now.  I don't know how I feel today.  Not so good... I feel fat.  I can't wait to get out of here and get skinny again.  I can't wait to see the look on Dr. M(k)'s face when I drop Xlb in a week! Ha.  I'm gonna write in aff [affirmation] books.  Bye!

Still Wednesday
Poor K is all upset about having to eat Benecal with breakfast.  She cried about it twice today.  Poor thing.
I'm such a blimp.  Ew.  It's disgusting.  Very disgusting.  I can't wait to get the hell out of DTU.
We are listening to t.a.t.u. :)  LOL I remember when I was in Russian at PCC and I saw t.a.t.u in the textbook.  I freaked out!
Right now we are listening to Stars.  It is almost done.  Now it is Nas Ne Dogonyat.  LOL it sounds like "must kill the donut."

Thursday, Dec 20, 2007
2 more days!  Omg I just cannot WAIT to get out of this place. :(  I'm tired of living in this body that I can't stand.  It sucks ass. >:(
I'm so frustrated with Kartini, cuz I can't take any of the classes I need because they either interfere with Russian (which I'm not even sure I'm taking) or my Kartini appointments.  I'M SO FRUSTRATED! GRRRR! 

Friday, Dec 21, 2007
FINALLY!!! It's my last day in the DTU!  I can't wait to get out and lose this stupid weight!  Now, it is the part of the game called "Lose."  I finished the "gain" part and now I'm on to the "lose" part.  I can't wait.  I'm so excited!  Finally, I'll have something to obsess over.  I have to have something to obsess over, or else my mind will go nuts.
I'm going to write letters now.  
Goodbye!

And that's it.  Pretty unexciting ending, huh?  It was horrible.  It really was.  They brainwashed my parents, ruined my body, scarred me for life.... I have no doubt that if it weren't for them that I would not be as sick as I am today.  I still have nightmares about it.  

At the 2011 and 2012 NEDA walk, I saw the people from Kartini.  Dr. O.  Dr. M.  J.  All those same people.  I couldn't even look at them.  I wanted to run up to them and be like "DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKED UP I AM BECAUSE OF YOU????"  But of course I didn't.  

It burns me up that they say they have such a high success rate.  What'd they say back then, like 94% or 96%?  Yeah... turns out that's of people that stay with them more than a year.  D, K, L and me all severed on bad terms with Kartini not long after discharge.  There were only 5 of us total and I don't know about E (who left during my 3rd week or something.)  That doesn't sound like 94% to me.  Sorry. 

I'm not sure who I'm more angry at - my parents or Kartini.  Both, of course.  But I don't know exactly what to make of it.  I know that I am left with a deep phobia of weight gain.  One pound up and I freak right out.  Now that I know my body is capable of being that heavy.................

Also I know it was the meds.  But what about that anyway?  THEY FUCKING LIED TO ME!!! TO MY FACE!!!!!! I was half dead in the hospital and they said "we want you to take this med."  I said "ok as long as it doesn't have weight gain as a side effect."  They said, "no, it doesn't, you're fine."  Guess what.  Weight gain and increased appetite are the first two side effects listed.  Assholes.  At least now I know to look it up myself.  Good lord!  I'm starting to tear up just thinking about it.

How much it hurt.
How scared I was.
How trapped I felt.
How betrayed I felt.
How helpless I felt.
How powerless I was.
How dark my life was after.
How long it took me to lose the weight.

How fucked up I still am.
How fucked up I will be forever.

Because of them I have an incredibly hard time trusting a treatment team.  I don't trust doctors, as a rule.  Or dietitians.  They lie.  They all do.  Okay, I know they really all don't but... what if they do?  I can't trust them.  I can't trust my parents to have my back.  Nobody has my back 100% but me.

Kartini was horrible.  But I am stronger now because of it.  I know I am.  It hurts like hell to think about it and to re-read and re-live it with this journal.  But I can see how far I've come.  How much stronger I am inside.  If I can make it through that, I can make it through anything.  

Kartini Journal part 6

Please see part 1 for disclaimer and description.  

One thing I should mention... at the time this journal was written I was dating mostly girls. So... that's that! Lol.  Now I'm engaged and YES Corky is a MAN!  Anyway, just wanted to clear that up for ya.

Here we go!  Hold on tight.

Mon, Nov 19, 2007
Ok.  S now begins week #8.  Only 3 weeks until my supposed discharge date.  But apparently they want me to stay longer than ten weeks.  Which I really don't want to do.  But, like I suspected, they won't let me do the outpatient program unless I stay in IOP [intensive outpatient] as long as they want me to.  What a crock of shit.  I just want to get out of here.  So badly.  The time cannot go by fast enough.  I'm sick of everything.  Sick of checking in, sick of the meal plan, sick of food journals, sick of gaining weight.  Sick, sick SICK OF IT!
Last night I dreamed about St. V's and C.H.  I miss her.  I wish I had dated her in HS.  Damn she was beautiful.
I really don't want to stay in IOP past 10 weeks.  I really don't.  It's not fair.  I've tried so hard to do what they want.  I really have.  This really sucks.
This morning, P(k) was going on about how silk is good if you have a sore throat.  I was thinking, "riiiiiiight!"  I really don't think your throat cares about what is wrapped around your neck.  I mean REALLY.  That's just a little bit ridiculous.
I ran into L on Saturday.  She looks terrible!  Her face is drawn and her eyes are sunken and her skin is very gray.  It was actually quite triggering, but I will lie and tell J(k) that it wasn't.  I really must fake it like mad this week so they won't make me stay past ten weeks. But nobody can find out that I'm faking it, or else they will most definitely make me stay here.  K would have graduated before me!
God, I'm so sick of this place.  I never ever want to come back this place.  I'm so tired of it.  I'm so tired of everything.  I just want to go home to Bijou.  I love her.
K is so lucky she gets to go home for the whole rest of the week when the rest of us have to be here Wednesday and Friday.  Grrrr!
So yeah, I ran into L on Saturday and then yesterday I ran into H from St. V's!  I was like GEEZ!  What is going on here?!

Wed, Nov 21, 2007
Why does time have to go by so slow?  I can't stand treatment anymore.  I need it to be over already.  I'm so tired I really want to go to sleep.  There is no way in hell I'm staying past ten weeks.  No. Way. In. Hell.  There is nothing they can say that will persuade me to stay.
Oh my god I'm so freakin' tired!  I feel like I'm gonna pass out.
P(k) IS SO ANNOYING AND WEIRD!  I CAN'T STAND HER!  SHE IS SUCH A WEIRD FREAK!!!!!
Good night.

Friday, Nov 23, 2007
I really wish we could go to England for Christmas.
Ohmygod P(k) is so dumb!  She took out the flip-flop lights that J(k) brought ages ago and she goes "are these LIGHTS??"  Uh, duh P(k)!  Where have you been?  I hate how she talks.  She totally over-enunciates everything, especially her S's.  At least she's not pressuring me about my damn altered book anymore.  Cuz I finally finished the stupid thing!
I have family therapy today.  I wonder if my sister will be there.  In a way I hope she is and in a way I hope she's not.
I seriously cannot fucking wait to get out of this treatment program.  I'll show them they didn't fix me after all!  Ha.
Ugh I hate finding Bettina's fur all over everything.  It's so irritating.
I was supposed to see L yesterday but she slept till like 2pm, so we couldn't hang out cuz B & J were coming over at 3:30.
Thanksgiving dinner was pretty good.  
Why is P(k) asking how we get here?  Why the hell does it matter?  And also why is it any of her damn business?  Why can't she just shut up and leave us alone?  She is coming back at 11:30 to do some kind of project with us.  Thank goodness I have individual therapy at 12 so I don't have to stay and be with her.  She's such a weird freak!

Mon, Nov 26, 2007
I broke up with M yesterday.  Hmm...
Oh god.  Weird freak P(k) is going on about Monday goals again.  I hate her.  I hate this place.  I'm so sick of coming here.  I never want to come back to this horrible place ever again!
My eyes sting.

Thurs, Nov 29, 2007
L gave me a bible today.  I suppose I will try to read it.  I told her I want to be half Jewish, half Christian.  Why can't I be both?
I feel like I'm getting my period.  Ew.  I hate that.
What am I doing?  I don't want to be a religious freak!  I could never do that.
I just can't wait to get skinny again.  I swear, the day I get out of this hellish place I will go back to being thin!  So let's see, if I get out on the 21st.. today is the 29th... 22 days.  It seems so far away.  I wish it would just hurry up and be over already.  I've been here so flippin' long!  This is my 9th week.  It feels like years.  Like an eternity.  I just want OUT right this second!  That's all.  I don't want to ever come back to this awful place.  I hate it here.  I hate everything about being here.  I just wanted to be skinny.  Why was that too much to ask for?  I don't ask for much from people.  I just wanted to be thin.

Still Thursday
Please god give me the strength to make it until December 21.  It seems so far away.  It feels like it will never get here.  Ew! K farted again!  Gross!
Time for relaxation.  Yay!
K said today that when she was in the hospital the first time, her heart stopped.  I wonder if that's true.
Gosh it feels like I will never get out of this place!  L is so lucky.  Monday is her last day.  It just feels like time is going by so slowly.  Only 22 more days though.  And tomorrow it will be 21.  Then 20.  I cna make it for 22 more days, surely.  It's not that long, not really.
Tonight is our dinner outing.  We are going to the Spaghetti Factory.  I do not actually care for that place too much.  Oh well.  At least it's better than just staying here.  I'm sick of this place.
I wonder if I'll ever finish this journal.  I have a bad habit of starting one and never finishing it.  Except when I was in high school.  Then I would go through like one journal per week!  
K is doing chemistry homework.  Actually I guess she's studying for a final.  It is 3:00.  Almost time for snack.  I hate snack.  I just want to go home already.  I don't want to go to the Spaghetti Factory.  I just want to go home.  M will be mad if I don't come over tonight.
It was soooooo lame earlier, K was dancing and A(k) told her to sit down.  It was totally lame!  
ANYWAY I just can't wait for the 21st.  I wish it would hurry the heck up!

Friday, Nov 30, 2007
Tonight I'm hanging out with L.  I'm so irritated.  K keeps smacking.  I don't understand why I had to hate that sound.  I wish I didn't care.
I'm so fat it's disgusting.  I want to be skinny more than anything in the world.  I would do anything to just be skinny again.  It's not fair, God.  Why can't I be naturally thin?  I really do try to be a good person.  I just want to be skinny.
It is supposed to snow tomorrow.  I hope it does.  It slushed the other day and there are parts of Skyline Rd that have snow on them.  I can't wait to be out of Kartini and go to Sunriver!  I can't wait to go snowboarding and burn a ton of calories doing it!
I wish I had faked it earlier, like L, so I could get out of here on the 10th instead of the 21st.
I'm so tired.  I just want to go to sleep.  I don't want to go see F.  I don't want to go to church with L.  I just want to go back to bed!  But I can't do that so I have to try to keep going.  The days drag slowly by and here I sit again, on this same couch, in this same room with these same people.  I swear, I will never forget this room as long as I live.
My eyes don't seem to want to stay open.  They keep trying to shut.  I'm so sleepy. But today is mostly a relaxation day so I'll get to sleep a little while probably.  We usually sleep during B(k)'s group, then again we sleep after ward.  And then for about 5 minutes in J(k)'s group.
WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE TO KEEP SMACKING THEIR FUCKING LIPS?!?! IT'S SO FREAKIN' IRRITATING!
Why did I have to hate a sound that people make so often?  Why couldn't it be like nails on a chalkboard that only could happen purposefully?  It's not like someone goes "oops, I accidentally clawed that chalkboard really hard!"  Never.
Today, weird freak P(k) is wearing her Columbia hiking boot shoes, 2 pairs of socks, one blue, one purple and LEGGINGS under her jeans.  Ew.

Still Friday
We're having this big long discussion about howe we don't like B(k) doing check-in group on Wednesdays.  We told Dr. O(k) at lunch.  She was quite receptive.  But I imitated B(k) laughing and got in trouble.
We all slept during one group today.  
I wish this journal would hurry up and be done.  I don't really like it much.  
Ugh!  People with leaf blowers are so annoying!

The thing that strikes me here is that my feelings of "I hate this" "Let me out" were SO persistent and nobody listened, nobody cared.  It kills me that I was screaming for help and nobody would help me.  These people were putting TONS of weight on me at an alarming rate and my parents just forced me to stay.  It really, honestly was beyond horrible.  I was so depressed for ages after this.  Our trip to Sunriver was horrible because Kartini put me on Wellbutrin, which turned me into the bitch from hell, and refused to take me off it!!!!  That was what ended up being the last straw for my parents and they finally took me out of there.  But it was too late, the damage had been done.

Kartini Journal part 5

Please see part 1 for disclaimer and descriptions.

This is cathartic!  It hurts like hell but it's like bleeding the pain out.  Here we go.  Weeks 6 and 7.

Wed, Nov 7, 2007
I'm more than halfway done.  I just want this terrible treatment to be over already!  I want my life back.  I want to be able to sleep in again.  Get up when I want.  I wish I was Bijou.  She's so fortunate not to have any problems.  The biggest thing in her life is deciding what to hiss at.  I (heart) her wings.  They're so cute.

Thursday, Nov 8, 2007
Did I ever mention that P(k) is a weirdo freak?  Her hair is so hideous!  She's wearing those same khaki pants and tan socks and hiking shoes.  I hate people that dress like that.  It's sooooo tacky!  And she's always chewing gum.  At least most of the time she doesn't smack, although she did once today already.  Not to mention her glasses hang by a string, which is multicolored, around her neck.  Ew! 
Why is that every time I journal I get so freakin' sleepy?  I hear a weird horn outside.
Omg on the way here this morning, my dad and I almost got in a wreck.  Some dumb lady started pulling out right in front of us.  It was quite freaky.
My friend L has an ED.  She's in St. V's.  That's all I will say on the subject.  BLAH!

Friday, Nov 9, 2007
I'm sick of journaling.  I'm sick of Kartini.  I'm sick of life as it is.  I have to keep reminding myself that this weight gain is only temporary.  I hate being fat.  I hate how it feels all over. I wish I didn't have to do this.
Well anyway, there is less than a month until I'm done.  December 7 is the day I'm through. I seriously cannot wait.  I want my life back.
Oh. My. God. P(k) is so ugly and weird.  She's such a weird freak.  I can't believe she has a husband.  Who would marry her?!  He must be blind. 
L has her bible out again.  I swear, I'm so tired of seeing it.
The other day, T(k) had this humongous white-head pimple on her neck.  It was soooo gross.  I almost vomitted.

Mon, Nov 12, 2007
Ew, P(k) is such an ugly weird freak!  She is wearing those same stupid khaki pants and hiking shoes.  Gawd, I can't believe how hideous her hair is.  Ew ew ew!
We have a new girl.  She's extremely talkative.  Her name is K.  I'm not sure I actually like her that much.  But I don't know.
I have L(k) today.  Yippee.  Not.
It is so freakin' windy outside!  Holyshit, the trees are waving like mad.
I have some worksheets to do but I really don't feel like doing them.  But I will.
Goodbye.

Wed, Nov 14, 2007
3 weeks and 6 days left until no more treatment.  I hate this awful place.  I never want to come back here again.  Weird freak P(k) just smacked.  Ugh.  She's so freakin' ugly!
Oh geez, L's crest is in the shape of a humongous cross. :-/
My nose just farted.

Thursday, Nov 15, 2007
I'm so sick of treatment!  I just want it to be over already.  I never want to see weird freak P(k) again.  I'm so glad not to be K, who still has 10 weeks left to go.  I only have 3 weeks and a few days left.
Well, we have a dinner outing today.  We are going to Chipotle, and to some beauty supply store so that people can buy hair product.  Sheesh.  Maybe there will be some other place I can go instead of into the beauty supply store.
M and I almost broke up last night.  It was so not fun.  I swear, things will never be the same.  I was accused of cheating!  Of all the nerve!!! I was so pissed.
I wish I could restrict and lose weight.  But I can't.  I hate this.  I really really hate this.
We are listening to Frank Sinatra on K's iPod player.  It's that "I Get a Kick Out of You" song from the AFV compilation.  Earlier we were listening to the Fray.  I liked that better than Frank Sinatra.  What a weird name.  Oh well.
Ew, weird freak P(k) has the poofiest hair.  It's so hideous.  I pray that I never look like that!!!  If I do, I will commit suicide.  I don't want to be some frumpy old weird freak like her.  Her name is ugly too.

WOW!!!!! I WAS SO ANGRY!!!!! Holy hell.  I swear, you guys, I'm not usually that mean.  If I could find P(k) today I would apologize like crazy!  She totally did not deserve my hatred. Good lord.  Kartini was a horrible place, yeah, but that was so not her fault!  She did need some help in the fashion department but... yikes.  
Anyway.  I had forgotten about a lot of this stuff.  The whole being accused of cheating thing had totally left my memory.  Lol.  How funny.  That relationship was a disaster from the start.  
In reality, I did not only have 3 weeks left, I had about 5 weeks left, since they made me stay longer.  I didn't know this at that time though.  Just about killed me when I found out.