Today someone asked me, "So how are you.... really?" I wasn't sure how to answer. I hate this kind of question! Well, I hate it from people that I don't know well. If a family member or a close friend, who knows my situation, were to come up to me and ask me that I would answer them sincerely.
"I'm stressed out. I have terrible body image, I feel like I barely have a grip on reality sometimes, and I'm just so tired."
And by tired I mean total body, total mind tired. I'm not sleepy tired, just worn out. In need of a vacation! Teaching Zumba this morning was awful! I had too few people to create sufficient energy to pump me up just by them being there, but too many to make it feel small and friendly. I didn't exactly have an overabundance of energy in the first place, and teaching this class was like pulling teeth.
The sad reality is that my life is full of sad realities. The sad reality of feeling guilty for eating cereal. The sad reality of contorting my body in strange ways to step into the shower in order to keep from feeling my thighs touch. The sad reality that my thighs DO touch sometimes! The sad reality that I feel as though I'm getting fatter and grosser ever day and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.
I just want to go back in time to 2006. I miss it. I miss being that low number, I miss it more than anything!!! All the time I hear people say "I was so unhappy... yeah I had that number but I wasn't happy." I don't remember it that way! I remember crying sometimes at night because I was so hungry but I just couldn't eat. I wasn't allowed. That was so much easier because my "healthy brain" didn't have a fighting chance! Now it does, and it creates this horrible war that never stops.
"I want to eat that."
"No, you can't."
"But I'm hungry."
"Too bad. You're too fat to eat it."
"Well, everyone says I'm not fat."
"They're lying, you're a disgusting pig."
"How can they be lying when I still wear all my same clothes?"
"If they're not lying, then they're just plain wrong."
"But I have to eat SOMETHING, or else I'll starve!"
"Oh come on, you won't starve. People in 3rd word countries go days without food."
"Well.. I don't want my metabolism to stop."
"That's a lie, it won't. The people in 3rd world countries are skinny, aren't they?"
"Well.. I'm going to eat it anyway."
So then I do... but I pay dearly for it.
"Why did you do that?? You stupid piece of lard! Didn't you listen to a thing I just said? Now you're going to get FAT and you deserve that pain, you dumb bitch. Fat pig. Ugly cow. You're disgusting. You're worthless! You deserve nothing but awful, horrible, never-ending pain!..."
And so on. Forever!!!!
This is why I'm so effing tired. Because I have to deal with that crap constantly while trying to plan a wedding which includes: making masks, building centerpieces, arranging expenses, planning for the honeymoon (read: lose weight for the honeymoon), keep track of late RSVPs and guest lists, make sure I fit into my damn dress next Friday, sort out bridesmaid gifts, wedding favors, tie up loose ends with the DJ and photographer.... and anything else I can't remember!
I'm going to go make some green tea now. I need a little Zen, I think.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
The Kate & Alena Show
I am so tired. I am so tired. I can't believe how tired I am. I did Zumba literally ALL day yesterday, starting with a 10am class, 1+ hours of Zumba rehearsal with Alena, non-stop Zumba rehearsal in my kitchen for hours, a 6pm class and then a wedding reception Zumba flashmob. Well... not exactly a flashmob but I don't know what else to call it.
My boss at one of my gyms, S, also teaches Zumba in the fitness program at a big corporate business here in Portland. One of the people who works there had her wedding last night and had asked my boss if she would come to the reception and do Zumba there to get the guests dancing (also because she loves Zumba.) My boss is out of town all this month, so she passed it on to Alena and me. We work (dance) well together and are sometimes referred to as "The Kate & Alena Show." (We're basically the same person, Alena and I. We have so much in common it's eerie and are often able to read each others' minds and body language. I would say we're almost more like sisters - at least soul sisters.)
So after a day full of Zumba already (Alena taught in the evening and came to my 10am class) we jumped in my car and rushed off to Salem, Oregon where the wedding was being held - ironically at the same venue where my wedding will be in 3 weeks time. The first funny thing that happened was that the plug from my hair dryer was hanging out the back door of the car and dragging along the street. Alena and I heard it but couldn't identify the noise. Finally she realized what it was and yanked the cord from the inside of the car, pulling up as far as she could so it wouldn't drag. We cracked up, hoping it hadn't been sparking!
The next funny thing that happened is that, once we got onto I-5 south, it started pissing down rain. And the wind was blowing. And I was so confused because I was going almost 70mph but cars were racing around us as though we were standing still! I said to Alena, "am I blind, or are they just crazy?" I felt like I was in another dimension and these were phantom cars zooming by.
The third funny thing was that once we got onto this country road headed to the vineyard, we literally could not see further than my headlights reached. Then we saw this owl. In the road. Facing mostly away from us with his HEAD backward over his shoulder! We both went "AAAH!" and the owl flew off. Once we got out of the car at the vineyard, we were surrounded by black. The night was SO dark. There were no lights except the ones on the outside of the building and the parking lot was pitch black.
"It's kinda spooky out here, eh?" I said.
The Zumba went pretty well. We weren't sure where we were coming in or even how the music was going to go. Like what order the songs were in. We knew the first two but after that it was anybody's guess (except the DJ's because HE knew!) The first song was Limbo by Daddy Yankee, which starts with lots of clapping. Putting this song first was a very good move because clapping a) commands attention and b) creates energy, both of which we needed to make this work. Our entrance was pretty epic, I have to say. We came in, clapping and whooping in our nearly matching outfits, bracelets lining our arms halfway to our elbows. Alena has this very distinct "scream" that she does to pump people up. If ever I was teaching a giant class and I didn't know she was in it, I'd hear that and know instantly who it was.
We were well received! People came right up to us and were dancing and whistling and taking pictures (oh god.) The first song came and went, then the second one came on. This one is called La Jonronera and it is FAST! Earlier, while practicing, Alena said, "Limbo and then La Jonronera?? Oh god. We're gonna die." Not too far from the truth.
The only issue we had was that we had been kind of expecting to be able to look at one another in case one of us should blank on the choreo, god forbid. But the bride came and was dancing between us and her gown was so huge that we couldn't actually see each other. Fortunately we are both pretty good at cueing, so that picked up the slack when we couldn't remember what to do (which happened a few times.)
Overall it was a blast. We danced (a ton), met some funny people (and some not so funny people), drank ice water, tried empenadas, laughed our asses off in the car, and I corrupted her into throwing an apple core out the window. I would say it was a success!
My boss at one of my gyms, S, also teaches Zumba in the fitness program at a big corporate business here in Portland. One of the people who works there had her wedding last night and had asked my boss if she would come to the reception and do Zumba there to get the guests dancing (also because she loves Zumba.) My boss is out of town all this month, so she passed it on to Alena and me. We work (dance) well together and are sometimes referred to as "The Kate & Alena Show." (We're basically the same person, Alena and I. We have so much in common it's eerie and are often able to read each others' minds and body language. I would say we're almost more like sisters - at least soul sisters.)
So after a day full of Zumba already (Alena taught in the evening and came to my 10am class) we jumped in my car and rushed off to Salem, Oregon where the wedding was being held - ironically at the same venue where my wedding will be in 3 weeks time. The first funny thing that happened was that the plug from my hair dryer was hanging out the back door of the car and dragging along the street. Alena and I heard it but couldn't identify the noise. Finally she realized what it was and yanked the cord from the inside of the car, pulling up as far as she could so it wouldn't drag. We cracked up, hoping it hadn't been sparking!
The next funny thing that happened is that, once we got onto I-5 south, it started pissing down rain. And the wind was blowing. And I was so confused because I was going almost 70mph but cars were racing around us as though we were standing still! I said to Alena, "am I blind, or are they just crazy?" I felt like I was in another dimension and these were phantom cars zooming by.
The third funny thing was that once we got onto this country road headed to the vineyard, we literally could not see further than my headlights reached. Then we saw this owl. In the road. Facing mostly away from us with his HEAD backward over his shoulder! We both went "AAAH!" and the owl flew off. Once we got out of the car at the vineyard, we were surrounded by black. The night was SO dark. There were no lights except the ones on the outside of the building and the parking lot was pitch black.
"It's kinda spooky out here, eh?" I said.
The Zumba went pretty well. We weren't sure where we were coming in or even how the music was going to go. Like what order the songs were in. We knew the first two but after that it was anybody's guess (except the DJ's because HE knew!) The first song was Limbo by Daddy Yankee, which starts with lots of clapping. Putting this song first was a very good move because clapping a) commands attention and b) creates energy, both of which we needed to make this work. Our entrance was pretty epic, I have to say. We came in, clapping and whooping in our nearly matching outfits, bracelets lining our arms halfway to our elbows. Alena has this very distinct "scream" that she does to pump people up. If ever I was teaching a giant class and I didn't know she was in it, I'd hear that and know instantly who it was.
We were well received! People came right up to us and were dancing and whistling and taking pictures (oh god.) The first song came and went, then the second one came on. This one is called La Jonronera and it is FAST! Earlier, while practicing, Alena said, "Limbo and then La Jonronera?? Oh god. We're gonna die." Not too far from the truth.
The only issue we had was that we had been kind of expecting to be able to look at one another in case one of us should blank on the choreo, god forbid. But the bride came and was dancing between us and her gown was so huge that we couldn't actually see each other. Fortunately we are both pretty good at cueing, so that picked up the slack when we couldn't remember what to do (which happened a few times.)
Overall it was a blast. We danced (a ton), met some funny people (and some not so funny people), drank ice water, tried empenadas, laughed our asses off in the car, and I corrupted her into throwing an apple core out the window. I would say it was a success!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
DIY Racerback Tank
You know that old baggy T-shirt that you have stuffed away in the back of your "comfy clothes" drawer?
Yeah... the one with basically permanent creases in it from being folded up for so long?
Go grab it.
Get a pair of scissors.
Follow these instructions and.... voila! New gym shirt!
1) Take an old T shirt and lay it flat on the floor.
2) Cut off the neck, the sleeves, and the bottom hem of the shirt. Save the bottom hem that you just cut off.
3) Decide how thin you want the straps, then cut straight down into the chest area before curving out toward the armpit area. If you curve it the whole way, instead of cutting straight down for a ways, the shirt will come right up under your armpits and look funny. Make sure to cut it straight down for a ways before curving out.
4) Cut a dip in the neckline, as low as you think you want it. (Note: better to cut it too shallow than too deep. You can always cut away more fabric later.)
5) Flip the shirt over so the back faces up. Cut the back into a narrower racerback shape.
6) Cut a V into the back. You can use a hanger to hang up the shirt and see how deep that V actually is when the shirt is upright.
7) Take the bottom hem of the shirt that you cut at the beginning. Carefully cut the seams off so that you have a very long, very skinny strip of fabric. Pull it like crazy so it becomes this rolled up string.
8) With the shirt hanging up and facing AWAY from you, pinch the back straps about 2 inches above the bottom of the V. Tie the string around it.
9) Wind the string around the two straps, pulling them together. When you get a few inches below the seams on the tops of the shoulders, stop and tie the string off. Snip off any loose ends.
10) Try the shirt on and make any adjustments to the neckline or straps that you need to.
11) Pull on the edges of the shirt to hide jagged edges (the edges will curl in) and to lengthen the shirt if necessary.
12) Rock that sh*t!
(from blogilates)
Yeah... the one with basically permanent creases in it from being folded up for so long?
Go grab it.
Get a pair of scissors.
Follow these instructions and.... voila! New gym shirt!
1) Take an old T shirt and lay it flat on the floor.
2) Cut off the neck, the sleeves, and the bottom hem of the shirt. Save the bottom hem that you just cut off.
3) Decide how thin you want the straps, then cut straight down into the chest area before curving out toward the armpit area. If you curve it the whole way, instead of cutting straight down for a ways, the shirt will come right up under your armpits and look funny. Make sure to cut it straight down for a ways before curving out.
4) Cut a dip in the neckline, as low as you think you want it. (Note: better to cut it too shallow than too deep. You can always cut away more fabric later.)
5) Flip the shirt over so the back faces up. Cut the back into a narrower racerback shape.
6) Cut a V into the back. You can use a hanger to hang up the shirt and see how deep that V actually is when the shirt is upright.
7) Take the bottom hem of the shirt that you cut at the beginning. Carefully cut the seams off so that you have a very long, very skinny strip of fabric. Pull it like crazy so it becomes this rolled up string.
8) With the shirt hanging up and facing AWAY from you, pinch the back straps about 2 inches above the bottom of the V. Tie the string around it.
9) Wind the string around the two straps, pulling them together. When you get a few inches below the seams on the tops of the shoulders, stop and tie the string off. Snip off any loose ends.
10) Try the shirt on and make any adjustments to the neckline or straps that you need to.
11) Pull on the edges of the shirt to hide jagged edges (the edges will curl in) and to lengthen the shirt if necessary.
12) Rock that sh*t!
(from blogilates)
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
My Babies - Nosferatu
Nosferatu - 3 years old
Nosferatu is my first snake. He is an albino Nelson's Milksnake. His favorite food is mice. When he first came home to live with us, he was eating frozen pinkies (baby mice.) Now, he is such a big boy he has moved on to small adult mice! He likes them in any color.
Nosferatu's favorite pastime is standing straight up in his home as though he is charmed. He enjoys sticking his tongue out through the ventilation holes. He also likes to try to climb up his little plastic plant, although he often falls off with a plop.
He has the cutest little red eyes :)
Nosferatu is my first snake. He is an albino Nelson's Milksnake. His favorite food is mice. When he first came home to live with us, he was eating frozen pinkies (baby mice.) Now, he is such a big boy he has moved on to small adult mice! He likes them in any color.
Nosferatu's favorite pastime is standing straight up in his home as though he is charmed. He enjoys sticking his tongue out through the ventilation holes. He also likes to try to climb up his little plastic plant, although he often falls off with a plop.
He has the cutest little red eyes :)
Nosferatu
Fall 2013
Control
For an explanation of what happened on September 22nd after I posted about the dress fitting, watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDGsxfmkQVA
Today I have had:
An apple (120 cal - it was a big apple!)
A FF Greek yogurt (80 cal)
A cup of green tea (0 cal)
A cup of Red Rose tea with 1 Stevia and 1/8 cup of FF milk (11 cal)
Total so far - 211 cal (and it's 11:11am.)
I also took:
1 green coffee bean extract diet pill
1 Stress B-Complex vitamin pill
1 acai berry cleanse pill
The green coffee bean pills.... I have no idea. It says to take 4 per day, so I take one per day because the last thing I need is to have my heart racing at 600 bpm because of caffeine overload. I may take another one in a bit. They're supposed to "help reduce BMI" so.... we'll see.
The Stress B-Complex pill I'm taking because a) it's good for you and b) if it helps my body deal with my stress better then that's good because stress causes high cortisol which causes central weight gain.
The cleanse pills I've taken twice before. I think I wrote about them on here. Kind of an unpleasant way to live, temporarily, because they definitely flush you out.... sometimes too well. Let's just say you get some good abdominal workouts from holding muscles tight.
Hopefully I can make it until about 2pm without feeling too hungry. I have to babysit my flowergirl and ring bearer at 3:15 (until 7:45) so I better drink plenty of tea and coffee! I don't want my metabolism to stop so I can have another apple at about 2 or 2:30. And tea. And coffee. With little to no milk. I should probably go to the gym as well. Salad for dinner and I'm good.
I need to get control. I just HAVE to. I have 26 days until I have to wear that dress down the aisle. If it doesn't fit, I know I will die.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDGsxfmkQVA
Today I have had:
An apple (120 cal - it was a big apple!)
A FF Greek yogurt (80 cal)
A cup of green tea (0 cal)
A cup of Red Rose tea with 1 Stevia and 1/8 cup of FF milk (11 cal)
Total so far - 211 cal (and it's 11:11am.)
I also took:
1 green coffee bean extract diet pill
1 Stress B-Complex vitamin pill
1 acai berry cleanse pill
The green coffee bean pills.... I have no idea. It says to take 4 per day, so I take one per day because the last thing I need is to have my heart racing at 600 bpm because of caffeine overload. I may take another one in a bit. They're supposed to "help reduce BMI" so.... we'll see.
The Stress B-Complex pill I'm taking because a) it's good for you and b) if it helps my body deal with my stress better then that's good because stress causes high cortisol which causes central weight gain.
The cleanse pills I've taken twice before. I think I wrote about them on here. Kind of an unpleasant way to live, temporarily, because they definitely flush you out.... sometimes too well. Let's just say you get some good abdominal workouts from holding muscles tight.
Hopefully I can make it until about 2pm without feeling too hungry. I have to babysit my flowergirl and ring bearer at 3:15 (until 7:45) so I better drink plenty of tea and coffee! I don't want my metabolism to stop so I can have another apple at about 2 or 2:30. And tea. And coffee. With little to no milk. I should probably go to the gym as well. Salad for dinner and I'm good.
I need to get control. I just HAVE to. I have 26 days until I have to wear that dress down the aisle. If it doesn't fit, I know I will die.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
The Dress, Episode 3
I went in for my last dress fitting yesterday. I was much calmer about it this time. My mom was with me. We were a few minutes early to the appointment so we went next door this shop called Hip Hound. Basically it's a boutique for pets! They had little bowties that Jax could wear for the wedding, and little skirts that Abby could wear. I'm sure they would hate to wear them (well, Jax probably wouldn't care) but they'd look so damn cute.
Anyway, 12 o'clock came around and we went in. The girl behind the desk saw me and immediately rushed off to grab Black Beauty (see previous dress posts for the explanation about this nickname for my dress.) She hung it up in the dressing room with the silk curtains, as always. I used the bathroom then came out, went in the dressing room, stripped, stepped into the dress, zipped it as far as I could reach and then asked for help. It was like no big deal. Been here, done this. I'm really getting to the point where I can enter and exit gowns expeditiously.
I shuffled out of the dressing room but I forgot my heels inside my purse. My mom went to get them for me. That's one thing I'm not great at yet, getting heels on and off while wearing the dress. I puzzled over this dilemma momentarily before finally dropping the heels on the floor, lifting up the giant skirt of my dress, dropping the skirt over the heels and slipping my feet into them by sense of touch only. It was like getting dressed by braille. It wasn't graceful, but I got into those shoes and tottered around in circles on the carpet so that "He" (the Cambodian man) could check the length of the dress. I must have looked hilarious walking around that way because the girl from the desk, who was wearing ridiculously high heels herself, offered me a small lesson in how to walk in heels. "Shoulders back, hips forward, point your toes," were her words of advice. That helped!
"He" flitted about, tugging and pulling at the material of the dress. He told me to pull my strapless bra up because it had fallen. He was zipping and unzipping the back of the dress, and informed me that my bra was on too loosely and that's why it was slipping. He asked permission to make it tighter. I said sure, and chuckled because he clearly had no idea how to operate a bra (I suspect he's gay.)
Undergarment issues aside, the dress fit pretty well. He made a few little adjustments around the chest area (once my bra was in the right spot) and pinned a few things here and there. All that's left is for them to put the boning in. He told me to come back in a week or so and he would "teach me how to get into the dress." His last words of advice to me before I left were, "don't gain weight!"
I told him he didn't need to worry.
I just hope I'm right.
Anyway, 12 o'clock came around and we went in. The girl behind the desk saw me and immediately rushed off to grab Black Beauty (see previous dress posts for the explanation about this nickname for my dress.) She hung it up in the dressing room with the silk curtains, as always. I used the bathroom then came out, went in the dressing room, stripped, stepped into the dress, zipped it as far as I could reach and then asked for help. It was like no big deal. Been here, done this. I'm really getting to the point where I can enter and exit gowns expeditiously.
I shuffled out of the dressing room but I forgot my heels inside my purse. My mom went to get them for me. That's one thing I'm not great at yet, getting heels on and off while wearing the dress. I puzzled over this dilemma momentarily before finally dropping the heels on the floor, lifting up the giant skirt of my dress, dropping the skirt over the heels and slipping my feet into them by sense of touch only. It was like getting dressed by braille. It wasn't graceful, but I got into those shoes and tottered around in circles on the carpet so that "He" (the Cambodian man) could check the length of the dress. I must have looked hilarious walking around that way because the girl from the desk, who was wearing ridiculously high heels herself, offered me a small lesson in how to walk in heels. "Shoulders back, hips forward, point your toes," were her words of advice. That helped!
"He" flitted about, tugging and pulling at the material of the dress. He told me to pull my strapless bra up because it had fallen. He was zipping and unzipping the back of the dress, and informed me that my bra was on too loosely and that's why it was slipping. He asked permission to make it tighter. I said sure, and chuckled because he clearly had no idea how to operate a bra (I suspect he's gay.)
Undergarment issues aside, the dress fit pretty well. He made a few little adjustments around the chest area (once my bra was in the right spot) and pinned a few things here and there. All that's left is for them to put the boning in. He told me to come back in a week or so and he would "teach me how to get into the dress." His last words of advice to me before I left were, "don't gain weight!"
I told him he didn't need to worry.
I just hope I'm right.
Friday, September 20, 2013
The Façade
So I'm having this really great conversation with a friend right now on facebook. And as I'm having this conversation, I said something about how teaching Zumba is a "whole different world." And I'm struck dumb right now because of how true of a statement that really is!
Come closer.... I am going to tell you a story.
Once upon a time, there was this girl. It doesn't matter what her name is, but we'll call her Susie. Susie was young, in good shape, pretty, smart and had many friends. She lived in a fairly nice house in a fairly nice neighborhood, with fairly nice neighbors and drove a fairly nice car. Susie had long, blonde hair and blue eyes. Susie was called beautiful by some people, but she just laughed a soft laugh and thanked them. It's not that Susie didn't believe the people, Susie just thought it was a vain, immodest thing to think. So she didn't think about it.
Susie was a Zumba instructor. Many people came to Susie's classes at the gyms where she taught. Sometimes, people would be new to Zumba and would tell Susie after class, "wow! That was fun! You're a great teacher!" Or, "you got moves, girl!" Sometimes, people would find themselves in Susie's class by accident, having had a bad experience with Zumba in the past. They would grudgingly give Susie's class a shot, and leave having had an enjoyable hour. "Wow!" They would say, "I thought I hated Zumba!" Susie liked all this. She smiled, thanked the people, and went out to her car. On to the next class.
But this is where everything changes. As soon as Susie was out of the gym and in her car, by herself, she would whisper to herself, "you fat, stupid, ugly, weak bitch. Nobody loves you. Nobody should." Susie smiled all day long, danced joyously in front of dozens of people and mirrors, laughed, joked and made conversation all day in a mask of sanity and happiness. In the car, by herself, Susie dropped that mask. Anyone who ever managed to somehow see that side of Susie thought she was just making it up or "having a moment." But this is how Susie felt ALL the time! She just painted over it with several coats of paint in shades of "happy" "normal" and "fine." And two coats of primer.
People do not realize that there are Susie's all over the place! Take that whole thing, take out the name "Susie" and put in "Kate" and that's my life. I feel like a total fraud!
People ask me, "how do you keep your shape?" I answer, "Zumba!" Lie. What I really mean to say is, "Zumba two or three times per day, six or seven days per week, and I starve myself too!
People say, "how are you?" I answer, "fine!" Lie. What I really mean to say is I'm existing, thanks, and you?
People say, "are you stressed about your wedding?" I answer, "nope!" LIE! What I should really say is, Why yes, actually.... I can't stand the thought of trying on my dress again! I'm too fat!!!
All of it! Lies! I say "Happy Friday!" Yeah... happy fucking Friday indeed! I just took five laxatives and some green coffee bean extract diet pills and my stomach feels like it's being slashed with a jalapeño/razor hybrid, my shins hurt so bad I can't even touch them, my head has been pounding for three days straight, my bank account is nearly empty, my computer doesn't work, I have to try on a wedding dress TOMORROW and, as if that's not enough, I just woke up twenty minutes ago and I am totally, completely, utterly UNCAFFEINATED!!!!!
Jesus! If I were selling something, I'd be carted away for swindling people. People want a happy instructor! Not a "happy" instructor! Oh well.... as long as I can keep them fooled for the most part, and kick their butts while I'm at it (lol) then I guess I'm good!
Come closer.... I am going to tell you a story.
Once upon a time, there was this girl. It doesn't matter what her name is, but we'll call her Susie. Susie was young, in good shape, pretty, smart and had many friends. She lived in a fairly nice house in a fairly nice neighborhood, with fairly nice neighbors and drove a fairly nice car. Susie had long, blonde hair and blue eyes. Susie was called beautiful by some people, but she just laughed a soft laugh and thanked them. It's not that Susie didn't believe the people, Susie just thought it was a vain, immodest thing to think. So she didn't think about it.
Susie was a Zumba instructor. Many people came to Susie's classes at the gyms where she taught. Sometimes, people would be new to Zumba and would tell Susie after class, "wow! That was fun! You're a great teacher!" Or, "you got moves, girl!" Sometimes, people would find themselves in Susie's class by accident, having had a bad experience with Zumba in the past. They would grudgingly give Susie's class a shot, and leave having had an enjoyable hour. "Wow!" They would say, "I thought I hated Zumba!" Susie liked all this. She smiled, thanked the people, and went out to her car. On to the next class.
But this is where everything changes. As soon as Susie was out of the gym and in her car, by herself, she would whisper to herself, "you fat, stupid, ugly, weak bitch. Nobody loves you. Nobody should." Susie smiled all day long, danced joyously in front of dozens of people and mirrors, laughed, joked and made conversation all day in a mask of sanity and happiness. In the car, by herself, Susie dropped that mask. Anyone who ever managed to somehow see that side of Susie thought she was just making it up or "having a moment." But this is how Susie felt ALL the time! She just painted over it with several coats of paint in shades of "happy" "normal" and "fine." And two coats of primer.
People do not realize that there are Susie's all over the place! Take that whole thing, take out the name "Susie" and put in "Kate" and that's my life. I feel like a total fraud!
People ask me, "how do you keep your shape?" I answer, "Zumba!" Lie. What I really mean to say is, "Zumba two or three times per day, six or seven days per week, and I starve myself too!
People say, "how are you?" I answer, "fine!" Lie. What I really mean to say is I'm existing, thanks, and you?
People say, "are you stressed about your wedding?" I answer, "nope!" LIE! What I should really say is, Why yes, actually.... I can't stand the thought of trying on my dress again! I'm too fat!!!
All of it! Lies! I say "Happy Friday!" Yeah... happy fucking Friday indeed! I just took five laxatives and some green coffee bean extract diet pills and my stomach feels like it's being slashed with a jalapeño/razor hybrid, my shins hurt so bad I can't even touch them, my head has been pounding for three days straight, my bank account is nearly empty, my computer doesn't work, I have to try on a wedding dress TOMORROW and, as if that's not enough, I just woke up twenty minutes ago and I am totally, completely, utterly UNCAFFEINATED!!!!!
Jesus! If I were selling something, I'd be carted away for swindling people. People want a happy instructor! Not a "happy" instructor! Oh well.... as long as I can keep them fooled for the most part, and kick their butts while I'm at it (lol) then I guess I'm good!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Zeugma
I'm definitely not sure how to pronounce the word "zeugma" but it is defined by dictionary.com as follows:
"the use of a word to modify or govern two or more words when it is ... appropriate to each but in a different way."
..... sorry, what? I know, I was confused too when my mom first explained this to me, until she gave me an example. An example of a zeugma is, "On his fishing trip he caught three trout and a cold."
The example my mom gave me was, "He went into great detail and the bar." I blinked for a few seconds, trying to understand that sentence. As soon as I figured it out, I started laughing. What a hilarious idea! We spent the next several minutes coming up with zeugmas.
"She left in high spirits and a limousine."
"I am going to go teach a Zumba class and crazy!"
"I ran out of money and the bathroom with my towel on."
Corky later came up with an AA zeugma: "I fell off the bandwagon and my barstool."
As we drove to dinner, I mentioned to Corky that I was seeing cops everywhere. When I questioned the reason for this, he answered me with a zeugma.
"Because of the full moon, people are going crazy and in cop cars."
"the use of a word to modify or govern two or more words when it is ... appropriate to each but in a different way."
..... sorry, what? I know, I was confused too when my mom first explained this to me, until she gave me an example. An example of a zeugma is, "On his fishing trip he caught three trout and a cold."
The example my mom gave me was, "He went into great detail and the bar." I blinked for a few seconds, trying to understand that sentence. As soon as I figured it out, I started laughing. What a hilarious idea! We spent the next several minutes coming up with zeugmas.
"She left in high spirits and a limousine."
"I am going to go teach a Zumba class and crazy!"
"I ran out of money and the bathroom with my towel on."
Corky later came up with an AA zeugma: "I fell off the bandwagon and my barstool."
As we drove to dinner, I mentioned to Corky that I was seeing cops everywhere. When I questioned the reason for this, he answered me with a zeugma.
"Because of the full moon, people are going crazy and in cop cars."
Monday, September 16, 2013
Numb
I want to write..... but I don't know what to say.
I hate myself.
I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm gross.
I want to disappear.
I don't know what to do about that.
Disappearing isn't exactly an option.
Damn responsibilities!
Maybe a vacation?
No? No time?
Bummer!!!
I could starve...
That always helps.
Oh, wait. I have NO WILLPOWER!
That's right.
I'm weak.
Fuck this.
I hate myself.
I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm gross.
I want to disappear.
I don't know what to do about that.
Disappearing isn't exactly an option.
Damn responsibilities!
Maybe a vacation?
No? No time?
Bummer!!!
I could starve...
That always helps.
Oh, wait. I have NO WILLPOWER!
That's right.
I'm weak.
Fuck this.
Friday, September 13, 2013
9.13.13 PICTURE DUMP!!!!
This is going to be a giaaaaaant picture dump. I think it's something like 21 pictures! Accumulated over the last several weeks. :) Enjoy the randomness! They are in no particular order.
My silly bestie G and me.
June 1, 2013
LOL Mama!
aw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
seriously... a whole gym cubby
for ONE key? People.....
virgo + leo = love
(in this case.)
Yeah, that.
My babies!
September 2013
Oh my! Poor Jaxxie!
new phone case
9.8.13
My crazy mohawk Zumba hoodie
a random collage I made
on my iPhone :)
My dad, all ready to make.....
BAKLAVA!
(be jealous. it was bomb.)
Jax asleep on his mama <3
Abby asleep with her daddy <3
<3 us <3
FAMILY! (minus birds & snake)
Jax met a bee. It didn't
end well for either of them
(notice his fat lip!)
I ate this.
9.12.13
LOL!
Grandma & me (c. 1991)
I miss you.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
READ THIS!!!!
Holy shit you guys!!!!
READ THIS!!!
http://reembody.me/2013/09/10/the-6-most-shockingly-irresponsible-fitspiration-photos/
READ THIS!!!
http://reembody.me/2013/09/10/the-6-most-shockingly-irresponsible-fitspiration-photos/
My Babies - Bijou
I want to do a little series of posts about my "children." I don't have any human children yet, but I do have several little souls that live with me that I love as though they were my children. I'll post these in order of age, to avoid accidentally picking favorites.
Bijou - 12
Bijou is feisty, cute, loving, sweet, spunky and picky! Her hatchday is April 8. She likes the color pink (I kid you not) and is the Princess of the family. She can fly, but she's not great at steering or landing, which causes many crashes and much distress for Bijou until I arrive to rescue her. She has a crooked toe on her right foot. She is very nervous and afraid of many things. When she gets scared, she puts her wings up, rocks back and forth, and hisses! She has the cutest little hiss! Bijou does not like to come out of her cage at night. Her favorite food is carrot.
Bijou - 12
Bijou is feisty, cute, loving, sweet, spunky and picky! Her hatchday is April 8. She likes the color pink (I kid you not) and is the Princess of the family. She can fly, but she's not great at steering or landing, which causes many crashes and much distress for Bijou until I arrive to rescue her. She has a crooked toe on her right foot. She is very nervous and afraid of many things. When she gets scared, she puts her wings up, rocks back and forth, and hisses! She has the cutest little hiss! Bijou does not like to come out of her cage at night. Her favorite food is carrot.
Bijou
Summer 2012
Bijou scared by the flash
Summer 2013
Bijou and Mommy
Summer 2012
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Fire
I had to laugh this morning when I came across this picture on facebook. It was humorless laughter, really, because that is exactly what I had done literally about 10 hours before. It's an unfounded warning, at least for me.
I had been rolling the idea of taking a laxative (or five) around in my head for a few days. I know that, unless I actually need the laxative for its intended purpose, taking laxatives usually causes me pain.
Intense pain.
But I do it anyway because FUCK I want to be thin! But I couldn't do it because the last few days I've had too many Zumba classes to be able to afford the pain that usually comes along with taking stimulant laxatives when I don't actually need to. I should have taken the Miralax then, right? But I'm too stupid for that. So last night I took laxatives along with my sleeping pills (which is why that picture made me laugh mirthlessly this morning when I saw it first thing.)
I woke up this morning to Corky's alarm going off so he could try to get to the DMV before work. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and had a dream that I can't remember now. I woke up again about 25 minutes later and I swear to God my abdomen was on fire. This burning, horrifying pain that literally made me break out in sweat. I felt hot, feverish almost. My stomach felt like it was being ripped apart with steak knives that had been soaking hot sauce for days.
The laxatives! my brain went. It's the laxatives you stupid bitch!
You deserve it, whispered back my eating disorder. You are weak and you deserve this pain.
All I could think was that it was a muscle thing. I breathed in and out to the count of four, seemingly forever, until I finally must have fallen back asleep (or went unconscious) because the next thing I remember is waking up to a text from my friend and my stomach was fine.
I would love to tell you that I am doing so great right now, but I can't tell you that. I can't tell you it in either direction, the anorexic direction or the recovered direction (if that makes any sense at all.) Anorexically speaking I'm doing horribly because I'm fat and disgusting and should be taken to slaughter like fat pig I am. Recoveringly speaking I'm doing horribly (see previous sentence.) It's awful! I hate it! Being caught in between those two places is the very worst place to be.
On a slightly more humorous note, the balloon saga continues!!! A few months back (in the spring some time) I wrote about balloons that were appearing out of nowhere and coming near my person, scaring the daylights out of me as I am phobic of balloons.
Two or three weeks ago, Corky and I went to Red Robin for dinner. We were sitting at a booth, talking about whatever, when suddenly, over Corky's shoulder, a horror scene started unfolding. At the booth behind him was a man, a woman and a little girl in a high chair. She couldn't have been more than 2 years old. From somewhere under the table the mom produced a blue balloon. She handed the balloon to the little girl who immediately started digging her nails into it.
"NOPE!" I hollered, and was out of the booth and out the door in under 5 seconds. In the end, I asked the hostess to reseat us. She said, "is there a problem?" I said, "yeah, I'm phobic of balloons and that little girl was playing with one." Might as well be honest, right? Lol!
But it gets better!
Today I went to drop an envelope off for our Real Estate Agent, K, at her office near my house. The office is on the 5th floor of a building, and when you get off the elevators you can see right into the office because the whole front of it is glass with glass doors. I saw balloons! Everywhere!!!
Gingerly, I opened the door. The balloons ran in front of my feet like huge bulbous mice. Ugh!!! I approached the front desk, handed the lady the envelope and I had to ask, "why are there balloons everywhere?"
"It's his birthday," she said, gesturing towards a glass-walled cubicle to the left. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. Inside the cubicle was balloons. Oh yeah, and a guy and a computer screen, but that's literally ALL of him you could see! The rest was just solid latex balloons. I nearly fainted at the idea of being inside that room! "Oh!" I said. "Gotta go!" and I ran out.
That is the shit that nightmares are made of! HONESTLY! If I were the boss someplace and my workers did that to me, they'd all be fired. End of story.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Alone in a Crowded Room
"Feeling alone in a room full of people is one of the worst feelings ever."
The above words were spoken to me by my therapist, H, today. She couldn't be more right. Feeling lonely when you're actually alone makes perfect sense. I mean, you're alone. But when you are in a room full of people and you feel completely and utterly alone, it's a whole different story. Now imagine that the room that you're in is full of people wearing bright colors, laughing and smiling, and dancing to peppy music with a friend who has been gone since the end of June.
That was 2 hours of my Sunday.
My friend L moved to California on June 30th. I worked with her at one gym. We weren't friends for a super long time, I only met her last winter and we didn't really get to know one another until spring or so, but I was sad when she moved. I took over one of her classes at that gym and she got me a job covering her Monday/Wednesday morning class at another dance studio not far from me. She came back this weekend to do the Portland Warrior Dash (basically like a 5k run with obstacles and a ton of mud) on Saturda and had a 2-hour Zumba throwdown on Sunday. The room was PACKED. I would guess about 70-80 people, maybe 100 at one point.
Her music is great.
Her choreo is great.
SHE is great.
I was so happy to see her.
I didn't know how much I missed her until she came back!
She has a "Zumba Baby" (meaning a friend of hers who was her student and now became an instructor too) who also works with me at Hardcore (the gym where I worked with L.) Her name also starts with L so we'll call her L2. L2 is really nice, really funny, I love hanging out with her and Alena. We all get along great. L and L2 have this "posse" so to speak. L, L2, and a few other girls/ladies that L knew from church. When L moved, L2 was sort of absorbed by the posse. It's so great. They often come to L2's classes at Hardcore and it's so fun, they're a really fun group.
So when L was back, of course the posse was complete! I was dancing right behind them in that room... watching them all laugh and joke with one another, dance in each other's personal spaces, cracking up constantly. Don't get me wrong! I am so glad to see people having fun!!! I love L and L2 and I'm so glad that their posse exists. L2 did try to include me but the fact of the matter is I'm not part of the posse. And that's totally fine.
My feeling of aloneness in the crowded room had nothing to do with the fact that I was not part of the posse, nor the fact that I wasn't constantly included. They did include me at the end when we all took pictures with L and with each other. We took some group pics and I got one of L and me.
I felt alone because watching the posse dancing together made me realize that I don't really have close friends like that. Friends that I can just walk up and hug, the way L and L2 are constantly hugging, jumping on one another, calling each other by nicknames.... I don't have that. I call my sister a nickname, but she almost never calls me by the nickname she has for me (it's "Geek" and she is the ONLY one who is allowed to call me that. Long story, LOL!) Alena and I dance together sometimes in Zumba. We joke and laugh during it. Sometimes we dance on each other. When we go out we dance all crazy. It's fun... but I don't see her daily the way L2 sees the other girls in the posse (since L moved.)
It just made me sad. I missed being a child and having my best friend live right down the road from me. I saw her every day. We planned to be veterinarians and grow up and go to college together, be roommates, live together forever (of course we were like 6 and 7 at the time) and never stop being friends. I don't even speak to her anymore.
I feel connected to Corky, of course! We just put in an offer on a house and it was accepted, so that's really great! Yes, we are buying a house and getting married almost simultaneously (no one need comment on my sanity, thank you!) I just wish I had more girl friends to hang out with, hug, jump on, call by nicknames and just generally feel close to. But I have Corky, my family, my dogs and my birds.... that can be enough for now.
The above words were spoken to me by my therapist, H, today. She couldn't be more right. Feeling lonely when you're actually alone makes perfect sense. I mean, you're alone. But when you are in a room full of people and you feel completely and utterly alone, it's a whole different story. Now imagine that the room that you're in is full of people wearing bright colors, laughing and smiling, and dancing to peppy music with a friend who has been gone since the end of June.
That was 2 hours of my Sunday.
My friend L moved to California on June 30th. I worked with her at one gym. We weren't friends for a super long time, I only met her last winter and we didn't really get to know one another until spring or so, but I was sad when she moved. I took over one of her classes at that gym and she got me a job covering her Monday/Wednesday morning class at another dance studio not far from me. She came back this weekend to do the Portland Warrior Dash (basically like a 5k run with obstacles and a ton of mud) on Saturda and had a 2-hour Zumba throwdown on Sunday. The room was PACKED. I would guess about 70-80 people, maybe 100 at one point.
Her music is great.
Her choreo is great.
SHE is great.
I was so happy to see her.
I didn't know how much I missed her until she came back!
She has a "Zumba Baby" (meaning a friend of hers who was her student and now became an instructor too) who also works with me at Hardcore (the gym where I worked with L.) Her name also starts with L so we'll call her L2. L2 is really nice, really funny, I love hanging out with her and Alena. We all get along great. L and L2 have this "posse" so to speak. L, L2, and a few other girls/ladies that L knew from church. When L moved, L2 was sort of absorbed by the posse. It's so great. They often come to L2's classes at Hardcore and it's so fun, they're a really fun group.
So when L was back, of course the posse was complete! I was dancing right behind them in that room... watching them all laugh and joke with one another, dance in each other's personal spaces, cracking up constantly. Don't get me wrong! I am so glad to see people having fun!!! I love L and L2 and I'm so glad that their posse exists. L2 did try to include me but the fact of the matter is I'm not part of the posse. And that's totally fine.
My feeling of aloneness in the crowded room had nothing to do with the fact that I was not part of the posse, nor the fact that I wasn't constantly included. They did include me at the end when we all took pictures with L and with each other. We took some group pics and I got one of L and me.
I felt alone because watching the posse dancing together made me realize that I don't really have close friends like that. Friends that I can just walk up and hug, the way L and L2 are constantly hugging, jumping on one another, calling each other by nicknames.... I don't have that. I call my sister a nickname, but she almost never calls me by the nickname she has for me (it's "Geek" and she is the ONLY one who is allowed to call me that. Long story, LOL!) Alena and I dance together sometimes in Zumba. We joke and laugh during it. Sometimes we dance on each other. When we go out we dance all crazy. It's fun... but I don't see her daily the way L2 sees the other girls in the posse (since L moved.)
It just made me sad. I missed being a child and having my best friend live right down the road from me. I saw her every day. We planned to be veterinarians and grow up and go to college together, be roommates, live together forever (of course we were like 6 and 7 at the time) and never stop being friends. I don't even speak to her anymore.
I feel connected to Corky, of course! We just put in an offer on a house and it was accepted, so that's really great! Yes, we are buying a house and getting married almost simultaneously (no one need comment on my sanity, thank you!) I just wish I had more girl friends to hang out with, hug, jump on, call by nicknames and just generally feel close to. But I have Corky, my family, my dogs and my birds.... that can be enough for now.
Me and L :) 9.8.13
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Lists
So... I'm possessed.
I'm possessed all the time by my eating disorder, but usually I can keep myself from blurting out absolutely every single thing my eating disorder says inside my head. But every now and then something slips out that makes everyone around me that knows me go "oh, that wasn't Kate who just said that..."
Today I was at my therapy appointment and I was talking to her about the act of crying and how I find it, for the most part, irritating. We were talking about last winter when I was in the group she ran on Wednesday nights. She reminded me how when the other girls in group would cry (which was often) I would get agitated.
I responded, "yeah, I know, it just sometimes seemed so... unnecessary!"
My therapist, H, said, "Unnecessary? How is it unnecessary??"
And my eating disorder momentarily borrowed my mouth and said, "You're wasting salt that you could use for sweat later when you do your workout!"
We both started laughing. "That," she said, "is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said to me!" I told her she should write a book about all the weird shit her patients have said to her over the years, as long as she promised to include that one. She said, "that'll be the title!"
She asked me to make a list of MY likes. As opposed to my eating disorder's likes. I'm not so sure there's always a difference but I'll give it a shot. Some of these aren't food related so they'll probably match up, but some certainly won't!
Kate + Eating Disorder List:
Favorite color: red
Favorite number: 11
Favorite food: salad or popsicles
Favorite thing to drink: Monster Zero
Favorite TV show: Air Crash Investigation
Favorite movie: Mothman Prophecies
Favorite band/artist: Lady Gaga
Favorite hobby: Zumba
Favorite holiday: Halloween
Favorite season: Fall
Favorite ice cream flavor: Fat Free Vanilla Frozen Yogurt
Favorite pizza: thin crust veggie from Papa Murphy's
Favorite animal: bird
Favorite month: October
JUST KATE List:
Favorite color: turquoise
Favorite number: 11
Favorite food: lentil soup
Favorite thing to drink: Powerade
Favorite TV show: Air Crash Investigation
Favorite movie: Mothman Prophecies
Favorite band/artist: Katy Perry
Favorite hobby: Zumba
Favorite holiday: Hanukkah
Favorite season: Fall
Favorite ice cream flavor: Oreo
Favorite pizza: cheese w/ pepperoni & pineapple
Favorite animal: bird
Favorite month: October
Okay... so first of all that second list was HARD!!!! I stared at the blinking cursor in front of "favorite food" for at lest 5 minutes before writing "lentil soup." I honestly could not think of anything!!!! It was awful! I am, however, relieved to see that there are some things that are common between both lists, even if they are as insignificant as "favorite movie," "favorite movie," and "favorite month."
The hobby category left me scratching my head for a second. Is Zumba really my favorite hobby? No question I love it, and I definitely feel good when I'm dancing. But would it really be my very favorite hobby if I didn't have an eating disorder? Maybe. So I just left it. But I very nearly wrote something having to do with airplanes.
Did any of those answers surprise you?
On either list?
I'm possessed all the time by my eating disorder, but usually I can keep myself from blurting out absolutely every single thing my eating disorder says inside my head. But every now and then something slips out that makes everyone around me that knows me go "oh, that wasn't Kate who just said that..."
Today I was at my therapy appointment and I was talking to her about the act of crying and how I find it, for the most part, irritating. We were talking about last winter when I was in the group she ran on Wednesday nights. She reminded me how when the other girls in group would cry (which was often) I would get agitated.
I responded, "yeah, I know, it just sometimes seemed so... unnecessary!"
My therapist, H, said, "Unnecessary? How is it unnecessary??"
And my eating disorder momentarily borrowed my mouth and said, "You're wasting salt that you could use for sweat later when you do your workout!"
We both started laughing. "That," she said, "is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said to me!" I told her she should write a book about all the weird shit her patients have said to her over the years, as long as she promised to include that one. She said, "that'll be the title!"
She asked me to make a list of MY likes. As opposed to my eating disorder's likes. I'm not so sure there's always a difference but I'll give it a shot. Some of these aren't food related so they'll probably match up, but some certainly won't!
Kate + Eating Disorder List:
Favorite color: red
Favorite number: 11
Favorite food: salad or popsicles
Favorite thing to drink: Monster Zero
Favorite TV show: Air Crash Investigation
Favorite movie: Mothman Prophecies
Favorite band/artist: Lady Gaga
Favorite hobby: Zumba
Favorite holiday: Halloween
Favorite season: Fall
Favorite ice cream flavor: Fat Free Vanilla Frozen Yogurt
Favorite pizza: thin crust veggie from Papa Murphy's
Favorite animal: bird
Favorite month: October
JUST KATE List:
Favorite color: turquoise
Favorite number: 11
Favorite food: lentil soup
Favorite thing to drink: Powerade
Favorite TV show: Air Crash Investigation
Favorite movie: Mothman Prophecies
Favorite band/artist: Katy Perry
Favorite hobby: Zumba
Favorite holiday: Hanukkah
Favorite season: Fall
Favorite ice cream flavor: Oreo
Favorite pizza: cheese w/ pepperoni & pineapple
Favorite animal: bird
Favorite month: October
Okay... so first of all that second list was HARD!!!! I stared at the blinking cursor in front of "favorite food" for at lest 5 minutes before writing "lentil soup." I honestly could not think of anything!!!! It was awful! I am, however, relieved to see that there are some things that are common between both lists, even if they are as insignificant as "favorite movie," "favorite movie," and "favorite month."
The hobby category left me scratching my head for a second. Is Zumba really my favorite hobby? No question I love it, and I definitely feel good when I'm dancing. But would it really be my very favorite hobby if I didn't have an eating disorder? Maybe. So I just left it. But I very nearly wrote something having to do with airplanes.
Did any of those answers surprise you?
On either list?
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The Chosen One
Do you ever feel like.....
.... a plastic bag? No Katy Perry, I never have. But I have felt like the world is out to get me. I remember once I said to my boss (back in 2008), "do you ever have those days where you just feel like the universe has it out for you?" She thought for a minute and said, "no, I never feel like that." I remember thinking yeah... sure... then you're not human.
Haven't we all felt that way?
Last night I went over to my friend Alena's house for dinner. My parents and sister are out of town and Corky was hanging out with his brother. So I went and spent an enjoyable evening with Alena and her family. I drove home at around 10:30pm. I was approaching a stop light, on a two-lane road, and the light was red. I looked ahead and saw that the left lane had about 5 cars in it, waiting for the light, and the right lane had 2 cars in it. Naturally, I figured the lane with fewer cars would accelerate faster out of the intersection. So I went in the right lane. Well, wouldn't you know it, ALL FIVE CARS in the left lane made it out of the intersection before I even got into it!
This seemed familiar, I thought. This happens to me all the time on the freeway, especially on Tuesday nights (oh, wait, that's tonight!) when I'm trying to drive to Tualatin to teach a Zumba class at 6:3opm. Teaching a class at that location at that time means I have to drive down highway 217. At rush hour (which is basically just "rush" because it's crowded all day every day.) And I swear to GOD, it doesn't matter which lane I'm in - the other lane ALWAYS moves faster.
Right? Right?? That happens to you all the time too, right? But here's the thing....
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE????
How is it possible that we ALL are in the same situation? I do mean "all." Every single person I have ever described that scenario to is like "YES! Oh my god I KNOW! Every single time!!" And I'm thinking, so either every single person is in the same lane all the time and the rest of the cars are apparitions, or we're all just really fucking jaded. Or we all overgeneralize (do you like how I overgeneralized there by saying 'we all overgeneralize? Haha.) Probably that's the explanation but I was just thinking, how is this chosen?
What if it really was like this? I, Kate, am always supposed to be in the slowest lane. Why? Says who? How is this decided? Clearly we can't ALL be in the slowest lane all the time because there has to be a slowest lane. In order for there to be a slowest lane, there has to be lanes going faster. They've got to have people in those lanes! So how is this decided? Is it like a lucky day kind of thing? Or is this predetermined?
A lot of things are predetermined. Cancer, autism, socio-economic class, addiction even! Why shouldn't "slow lane" be one of them? I don't mean to get all existential on you guys but... if God is so on top of everything that he/she/it has every detail of our lives planned out down to the color of pen we'll use on our homework each day, then why wouldn't traffic be planned too? I just don't understand.
Maybe I just need to relax a little. Maybe I need to leave for work an extra 20 minutes early. Or maybe I just wish I could catch a break!
.... a plastic bag? No Katy Perry, I never have. But I have felt like the world is out to get me. I remember once I said to my boss (back in 2008), "do you ever have those days where you just feel like the universe has it out for you?" She thought for a minute and said, "no, I never feel like that." I remember thinking yeah... sure... then you're not human.
Haven't we all felt that way?
Last night I went over to my friend Alena's house for dinner. My parents and sister are out of town and Corky was hanging out with his brother. So I went and spent an enjoyable evening with Alena and her family. I drove home at around 10:30pm. I was approaching a stop light, on a two-lane road, and the light was red. I looked ahead and saw that the left lane had about 5 cars in it, waiting for the light, and the right lane had 2 cars in it. Naturally, I figured the lane with fewer cars would accelerate faster out of the intersection. So I went in the right lane. Well, wouldn't you know it, ALL FIVE CARS in the left lane made it out of the intersection before I even got into it!
This seemed familiar, I thought. This happens to me all the time on the freeway, especially on Tuesday nights (oh, wait, that's tonight!) when I'm trying to drive to Tualatin to teach a Zumba class at 6:3opm. Teaching a class at that location at that time means I have to drive down highway 217. At rush hour (which is basically just "rush" because it's crowded all day every day.) And I swear to GOD, it doesn't matter which lane I'm in - the other lane ALWAYS moves faster.
Right? Right?? That happens to you all the time too, right? But here's the thing....
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE????
How is it possible that we ALL are in the same situation? I do mean "all." Every single person I have ever described that scenario to is like "YES! Oh my god I KNOW! Every single time!!" And I'm thinking, so either every single person is in the same lane all the time and the rest of the cars are apparitions, or we're all just really fucking jaded. Or we all overgeneralize (do you like how I overgeneralized there by saying 'we all overgeneralize? Haha.) Probably that's the explanation but I was just thinking, how is this chosen?
What if it really was like this? I, Kate, am always supposed to be in the slowest lane. Why? Says who? How is this decided? Clearly we can't ALL be in the slowest lane all the time because there has to be a slowest lane. In order for there to be a slowest lane, there has to be lanes going faster. They've got to have people in those lanes! So how is this decided? Is it like a lucky day kind of thing? Or is this predetermined?
A lot of things are predetermined. Cancer, autism, socio-economic class, addiction even! Why shouldn't "slow lane" be one of them? I don't mean to get all existential on you guys but... if God is so on top of everything that he/she/it has every detail of our lives planned out down to the color of pen we'll use on our homework each day, then why wouldn't traffic be planned too? I just don't understand.
Maybe I just need to relax a little. Maybe I need to leave for work an extra 20 minutes early. Or maybe I just wish I could catch a break!
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