The Façade

So I'm having this really great conversation with a friend right now on facebook.  And as I'm having this conversation, I said something about how teaching Zumba is a "whole different world."  And I'm struck dumb right now because of how true of a statement that really is!  

Come closer.... I am going to tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was this girl.  It doesn't matter what her name is, but we'll call her Susie.  Susie was young, in good shape, pretty, smart and had many friends.  She lived in a fairly nice house in a fairly nice neighborhood, with fairly nice neighbors and drove a fairly nice car.  Susie had long, blonde hair and blue eyes.  Susie was called beautiful by some people, but she just laughed a soft laugh and thanked them.  It's not that Susie didn't believe the people, Susie just thought it was a vain, immodest thing to think.  So she didn't think about it.
Susie was a Zumba instructor.  Many people came to Susie's classes at the gyms where she taught.  Sometimes, people would be new to Zumba and would tell Susie after class, "wow!  That was fun!  You're a great teacher!"  Or, "you got moves, girl!"  Sometimes, people would find themselves in Susie's class by accident, having had a bad experience with Zumba in the past.  They would grudgingly give Susie's class a shot, and leave having had an enjoyable hour.  "Wow!" They would say, "I thought I hated Zumba!"  Susie liked all this.  She smiled, thanked the people, and went out to her car.  On to the next class.

But this is where everything changes.  As soon as Susie was out of the gym and in her car, by herself, she would whisper to herself, "you fat, stupid, ugly, weak bitch.  Nobody loves you.  Nobody should."  Susie smiled all day long, danced joyously in front of dozens of people and mirrors, laughed, joked and made conversation all day in a mask of sanity and happiness.  In the car, by herself, Susie dropped that mask.  Anyone who ever managed to somehow see that side of Susie thought she was just making it up or "having a moment."  But this is how Susie felt ALL the time!  She just painted over it with several coats of paint in shades of "happy" "normal" and "fine."  And two coats of primer.

People do not realize that there are Susie's all over the place!  Take that whole thing, take out the name "Susie" and put in "Kate" and that's my life.  I feel like a total fraud!  

People ask me, "how do you keep your shape?"  I answer, "Zumba!"  Lie. What I really mean to say is, "Zumba two or three times per day, six or seven days per week, and I starve myself too!   

People say, "how are you?"  I answer, "fine!"  Lie. What I really mean to say is I'm existing, thanks, and you? 

People say, "are you stressed about your wedding?"  I answer, "nope!"  LIE! What I should really say is, Why yes, actually.... I can't stand the thought of trying on my dress again!  I'm too fat!!! 

All of it!  Lies!  I say "Happy Friday!"  Yeah... happy fucking Friday indeed!  I just took five laxatives and some green coffee bean extract diet pills and my stomach feels like it's being slashed with a jalapeño/razor hybrid, my shins hurt so bad I can't even touch them, my head has been pounding for three days straight, my bank account is nearly empty, my computer doesn't work, I have to try on a wedding dress TOMORROW and, as if that's not enough, I just woke up twenty minutes ago and I am totally, completely, utterly UNCAFFEINATED!!!!!

Jesus!  If I were selling something, I'd be carted away for swindling people.  People want a happy instructor!  Not a "happy" instructor!  Oh well.... as long as I can keep them fooled for the most part, and kick their butts while I'm at it (lol) then I guess I'm good!