Alone in a Crowded Room

"Feeling alone in a room full of people is one of the worst feelings ever." 

The above words were spoken to me by my therapist, H, today.  She couldn't be more right.  Feeling lonely when you're actually alone makes perfect sense.  I mean, you're alone.  But when you are in a room full of people and you feel completely and utterly alone, it's a whole different story.  Now imagine that the room that you're in is full of people wearing bright colors, laughing and smiling, and dancing to peppy music with a friend who has been gone since the end of June.  

That was 2 hours of my Sunday.

My friend L moved to California on June 30th.  I worked with her at one gym.  We weren't friends for a super long time, I only met her last winter and we didn't really get to know one another until spring or so, but I was sad when she moved.  I took over one of her classes at that gym and she got me a job covering her Monday/Wednesday morning class at another dance studio not far from me.  She came back this weekend to do the Portland Warrior Dash (basically like a 5k run with obstacles and a ton of mud) on Saturda and had a 2-hour Zumba throwdown on Sunday.  The room was PACKED.  I would guess about 70-80 people, maybe 100 at one point.  

Her music is great.
Her choreo is great.  
SHE is great.
I was so happy to see her.
I didn't know how much I missed her until she came back!

She has a "Zumba Baby" (meaning a friend of hers who was her student and now became an instructor too) who also works with me at Hardcore (the gym where I worked with L.)  Her name also starts with L so we'll call her L2.  L2 is really nice, really funny, I love hanging out with her and Alena.  We all get along great.  L and L2 have this "posse" so to speak.  L, L2, and a few other girls/ladies that L knew from church.  When L moved, L2 was sort of absorbed by the posse.  It's so great.  They often come to L2's classes at Hardcore and it's so fun, they're a really fun group.  

So when L was back, of course the posse was complete!  I was dancing right behind them in that room... watching them all laugh and joke with one another, dance in each other's personal spaces, cracking up constantly.  Don't get me wrong!  I am so glad to see people having fun!!!  I love L and L2 and I'm so glad that their posse exists.  L2 did try to include me but the fact of the matter is I'm not part of the posse.  And that's totally fine.  

My feeling of aloneness in the crowded room had nothing to do with the fact that I was not part of the posse, nor the fact that I wasn't constantly included.  They did include me at the end when we all took pictures with L and with each other.  We took some group pics and I got one of L and me.  

I felt alone because watching the posse dancing together made me realize that I don't really have close friends like that.  Friends that I can just walk up and hug, the way L and L2 are constantly hugging, jumping on one another, calling each other by nicknames.... I don't have that.  I call my sister a nickname, but she almost never calls me by the nickname she has for me (it's "Geek" and she is the ONLY one who is allowed to call me that.  Long story, LOL!)  Alena and I dance together sometimes in Zumba.  We joke and laugh during it.  Sometimes we dance on each other.  When we go out we dance all crazy.  It's fun... but I don't see her daily the way L2 sees the other girls in the posse (since L moved.)  

It just made me sad.  I missed being a child and having my best friend live right down the road from me.  I saw her every day.  We planned to be veterinarians and grow up and go to college together, be roommates, live together forever (of course we were like 6 and 7 at the time) and never stop being friends.  I don't even speak to her anymore.  

I feel connected to Corky, of course!  We just put in an offer on a house and it was accepted, so that's really great!  Yes, we are buying a house and getting married almost simultaneously (no one need comment on my sanity, thank you!)  I just wish I had more girl friends to hang out with, hug, jump on, call by nicknames and just generally feel close to.  But I have Corky, my family, my dogs and my birds.... that can be enough for now.

Me and L :) 9.8.13