Sick! 2 Days Until L.A.

I know I typically post in Georgia font, but I like the new default one so I'm just going to leave it for a while.  Haha it's my blog, I can do that if I want to. ;)

Yesterday I woke up with the beginning of a sore throat.  I felt kind of achy all day and had a serious lack of energy.  I even texted one of the other instructors at Hardcore to see if she could sub my Zumba class last night.  She was the only one who would have been available to, but it turned out she couldn't so I had to go teach it anyway.

This morning I woke up with my nose and sinuses feeling like a dam.  Totally blocked!  My temperature was 99.4 when I woke up (and it is usually lower in the morning than throughout the rest of the day.)  My throat felt like I swallowed a bunch of tortilla chips whole!  

This is NOT good.  I have to go to the Zumba Conference on Thursday! I've been waiting all year for this.  I get sick maybe once a year... why did it have to be right now?

So I'm drinking tea, more tea, more tea, ginger ale (just because I like it) and lots of water.  I would love to rest, but my dogs won't allow that.  Constantly whining, barking, scratching, chewing... so needy.  Ugh!  Anyone want to borrow a cute pair of frenchies for the day?  Lol.  I love them but... I really don't LIKE them right now.

Proud of ME

This is what I wrote in my actual pen-and-paper journal last night.  I'll spare you the ridiculousness of the details, so take it in whatever context you like.  The "H" refers to my sister.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday January 26, 2014
6:30pm

I'm so tired of my family.  No, scratch that.  Just tired of families in general.  I get so full of dispair. Despair? Dispair? How the hell do you spell that?  My brain is like mashed potatoes.

How could they leave me out of Philly?  How can I ever get over that?  I would never ever ever EVER have dreamed of leaving H out of that.  Oh man oh man oh man that stings.  That really fucking hurts.
Honestly I can't figure it out.  I don't want to live with pain over that.  I'm not holding a grudge on purpose!  

I suggested a road trip for H & me to clear the air.  Stuck in a car so we can't run like we always do.  She wants to do it w/ a therapist but I said NO middle person.  They're never really neutral despite their best intentions, and everything ends up as my fault like it always was because I'm TOO loud, TOO explosive, TOO angry, TOO big, TOO hurt, TOO strong, overreacting, TOO narrow-minded, TOO untrustworthy, TOO right, TOO good, TOO proud, TOO pretty, TOO smart, TOO quick, TOO hard to handle, A FUCKING PROBLEM CHILD, not right, don't fit in, too fucking DIFFERENT than all of them who take up NO energetic space.  I'M BIG!!! And I'm fucking PROUD OF ME!!!

5 Days till L.A.!

Five more days until I leave for Los Angeles!!!  Zumba Conference 2014!  

I've been waiting all year for this!  Last year was so much fun.  Never in my life have I been so tired, but it was so much fun!  So many funny memories from that trip.  

Highlight Memories from Conference 2013

• Meeting Beto, creator of Zumba.
• Having a hilarious conversation about poop with 2 of my roommates.
• The Bollywood/Bhangra workshop
• Hundreds of people jumping at once broke the LA Convention Center 
• Dancing for hours with Alena at the Fitness Concert
• Seeing Pitbull, Mara, Beto and Lil John at the Fitness Concert
• Seeing Gina Grant walking by on the street
• Being so tired everything was funny
• Laying in bed (that I shared with Alena), face to face with her in the dark, staring at each other because our two other roommates were snoring so loudly!  I couldn't see her, and she couldn't see me, but we each knew the other was awake and hearing this craziness!
• Drinking L.I.F.E energy shots as though they were our liquid salvation
• "Pat your weave!"

Those are just a few of the things that happened that weekend!  My brain was so exhausted that there were a lot of things it couldn't hang on to.  I'm sure I'll be just as tired this time around!  It's Los Angeles so everything costs an arm and a leg, especially bottled water!!! We were so dehydrated last year.  This year I hope to get a hold of some more water, but other than that I'm sure I'll be just as shattered as I was last year.  But that's part of the fun.  It's a crazy, fast-paced, exhausting three days but I wouldn't miss it for anything!

The Vista - One Year Later

***ATTENTION!!!  This post talks about a traumatic event.  It talks about death and suicide.  If you are going to write a hateful comment on this post, be warned that I WILL DELETE IT!  I almost never do that but I will delete ALL HATE posted under this entry.  If you don't want to read it, then don't.  These events will be told as I remember them.  If you weren't there that day, then don't be telling me what I did or did not see.  THANK YOU!***

If you go to the archives of my blog, to January 2013, you will see an entry called The Vista Bridge (or something like that.)  It was posted January 23, 2013.  If you haven't yet read that entry, go read it now.  But beware, the content might be shocking.

3% of suicides in Oregon are the result of a fall.

Two days ago, on January 22nd, marked the first anniversary of the death of a girl who took her own life by jumping off the Vista Bridge in Portland.  I didn't know her.  It was a sad day for the people who did know her and loved her.  I have since found out her name, but that's really all I know. 

In 2012, 709 people in Oregon took their own lives. 

The things I saw that day when I drove beneath the bridge, just after she jumped, are imagines I can't erase from my memory.  It took several seconds before I could even comprehend what I was seeing!  I knew about that bridge's reputation, but it didn't really apply until right then.  One thing I know for sure - the way it looks in the movies and TV shows when someone jumps or falls off a building is NOT ACCURATE!  They don't land and just lay there with some blood trickling out from beneath their body.  No, it's more like the popping of a water balloon.  Things go up and out.  Blood goes up and out.  It's a very startling, shocking, horrifying thing to see.

Suicide rates are highest in the West.

There have been fences put up on the Vista now, in an attempt to deter people from jumping to their deaths off of it.  However, death struck the Vista again on January 2, 2014.  A 14 year old boy shot himself and tumbled off the Vista bridge, coming to rest on an embankment below.  This bridge!! I swear!  

Suicide rates among youth have declined, but not among adults.

I still feel sad when I think about that girl who died last January.  I was angry at first because a) I was horrified by what I saw and couldn't forget it, b) I wasn't the only one who had to see it and c) her family and friends lives would be forever incomplete from that moment forward.  I thought she was incredibly selfish and I was MAD at her!!!  But then... the initial shock wore off a little and I just felt so sad!  It was so fucking tragic.  She was so young.  If only someone had been up there and maybe could have said something.  Maybe if someone had smiled at her that day.  Or asked her how she was.  I mean.. I don't claim to know anything about her or her life but... damn.... it's just so sad!  She must have been so sad and in so much pain.  I hope that she is free from all that now.  Honest to god I really hope that.  And I wish for peace for her family and friends who must love and miss her so much.

(suicide statistics from http://www.oregonlive.com/living/index.ssf/2013/05/why_oregons_suicide_rate_is_am.html)

Stretch Armstrong

(***Note: I'm not pregnant!!!!! Before you freak out. Lol.  But this post is dealing with the topic of pregnancy.  Just so you know.)

You remember those little toys from the 90s (maybe they're still around now) that were little beige-ish men that you could stretch?  Like you could pull his arms and legs in opposite directions and he'd just stretch forever?  He was called Stretch Armstrong I think.  

I feel like that.

I'm 26, married, and we just bought a house.  What comes next?  Kids, right?  I have known for a long time that I definitely want kid(s).  Now that I'm married, it's kind of been on the forefront of my mind.  But here's where Stretch Armstrong comes in.

Part of me really wants to be a mom.  I know it will be hard, so don't think that I'm fooling myself into thinking it's a snap.  I'm not!  But I also know that kids fill your life the way nothing else can.  They make you whole.  I know I will love my kid(s) unconditionally, always, forever.  I'm not worried about that.

But part of me is pulling the other way, towards staying "little."  By little I mean young.  Carefree (for the most part.)  Spontaneous.  Living for myself.  Not that I've ever been the greatest at putting my needs first, but... I do things I want to do sometimes, rather than the things I need to do.  Nothing big.  I have a job, I always go to work.  But I mean like I should clean the kitchen, but I paint my nails instead.  Eventually the kitchen gets cleaned.  But just not right then.

And the sleep!  Oh... sleep.... That is one thing I'll miss for sure!  But not enough to deter me from wanting kids.

Then there's the whole "what will pregnancy do to my body?" aspect.  I'm not even going to go there!!!  Suffice it to say: I'm scared shitless.  But my desire to be a mom overrides my fear.  I've seen people "get their bodies back" time and again.  I know I can do it too.  The interim part scares me but... it's not forever.

Anyway.  I'm sure I'm not the only anorexic person ever to grapple with this, and I'm sure I won't be the last!  

On Track

So... I decided that protein is in order.  Lol!  I constantly feel like I've been hit by a bus.  So I've been drinking protein shakes for a while now.  I think... I THINK.... I may actually be starting to feel better!

Today so far I:
-had oatmeal with a banana
-met my mom to sign some documents
-got the mail
-synced and charged my iPod
-did 2 loads of laundry
-unloaded/reloaded the dishwasher
-went to the gym
-had a shower
-ate 2/3 of a protein shake

And it's only 1:17pm!  Now I have a coffee date with a friend before I start (nanny) work at 3.  I have my celery and my calorie free Walden Farms dressing packed in my bag.  I have my journal also packed.  I'm ready for this shit.  I just need to not eat anything aside from what I've planned.

So far so good!!! Wish me luck! xo

The Weirdest Thing I've Ever Seen, and other random stories.

Rough days.

The last few days haven't been super kind to me (and people close to me) so I've decided just to do a blog post of random memories.  Kinda funny to stand at the mouth of memory lane and see what comes up.

England, 2003

When I was 15, my dad took me on a trip to England to visit a friend of mine.  It was the craziest thing!! We just picked up and went, with no idea where exactly we were going or how exactly we'd get there.  Driving was the hardest thing ever.  I didn't drive, thankfully, but my dad did and we were super confused by the backwardness of it all.  The road, the car, but especially the traffic circles.  I believe they went around to the left!  Which would have been weird enough, but you had to yield the opposite way!  Needless to say we got honked at a lot.  We also couldn't find our hotel.  We were about to stop and ask at another hotel when I glanced out the window and saw it.... across the street!  Can you imagine?  "Yes, where is the Thistle hotel?" "...It's right across the street...."  

Saving the Day at Synagogue

 When I was about 7, my family went to Friday night services at Synagogue once.  At that time, Havurah Shalom was having their services in the Jewish Community Center.  Anyway, a bunch of people arrived only to find the door was locked.  As it happened, though, one of the classrooms on the ground floor had left their window open a few inches, and it had no screen.  My dad pushed the window open, lifted me up and I crawled through the window onto the counter.  I jumped off the counter, ran out the door and down the hall and opened the big front doors from the inside.  Hooray!!

The Guy That Fell From the Ceiling

My junior year of high school, a leak developed in our roof.  A guy named Dan came to fix it.  He climbed around on the roof for a while but eventually had to fix the leak from the inside.  He went into the attic and walked on plywood laying across the beams to get to the part of the roof that was leaking.  However, he stepped on the edge of the plywood and it flipped up behind him as though he had stepped on the edge of a rake.  He fell, feet first, into the cellulose insulation and sheet rock above the main hallway.  I was downstairs and heard a weird noise and I walked toward the hallway to investigate.  I stood there, dumbfounded, as the ceiling cracked open like a trapdoor and tons of grayish-black insulation and Dan's butt came down.  Dan managed to grab hold of one of the beams and hung there from the ceiling, covered in dust and cellulose, his feet at my eye level.  Through the gaping hole from which he dangled I heard my mom's voice, "oh... are you all right?"  Probably the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

5th Grade Lunch Helper

It was a big deal, in the 5th grade, to be chosen to be the Lunch Helper.  Every so often the cafeteria ladies would come to the classroom and ask for volunteers to help at lunchtime.  Usually, everyone's hand would shoot up because it meant you got to miss 15 minutes of math.  The downside was you had to dish up and hand out food to everyone (and not get to eat any of it yourself until after everyone else had eaten) and you had to wash tables with water that stunk like bleach.  However, after you finished, you got to take your time eating your lunch, whereas everyone else had 25 minutes tops.  5th grade was a tough year for me, socially.  I remember one day being in a fight with my 4 best friends and it was torture because I sat right next to them all.  They wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't look at me.  I knew I'd be eating lunch alone.  I was always sensitive, so that hurt.  When that lunch lady came in my hand shot up so fast she raised her eyebrows.  I'll also never forget that when she chose me, two of my "best friends" looked at one another and mouthed "yessss!"

Big Sister

Summer after 3rd grade was a great summer.  My best friend down the street had just had a swimming pool put in her back yard.  I was over there every day, swimming and playing with her.  It was an awesome summer!  One day in early August, I came home from swimming and my mom said she wanted to talk to me.  I had just turned 9 years old the week before.  She was upstairs making the bed.  I came in and sat on the bed for a second before I remembered she hated when I sat on the bed in my wet swimsuit.  She said nothing about that which I thought was odd.  She asked me, point blank, how I'd feel if our family adopted a baby.  I said something like, "um, okay. When?"  Fussing with a pillowcase she said, "Two weeks."  That was all the notice I had that I'd be a big sister.  Right on cue, 14 days later, my sister was born.  Oh how I loved her! (Still do.)  I also remember when we went to the airport to pick my mom up, we stopped for gas at a Chevron on Burnside next to a Volvo dealership (both of which are still there today) and as I walked to the car carrying my sister (until she got too heavy), these teenage girls stared and said "aww look at the baby!"  I can still hear their voices in my head, 17 and a half years later.

Worn Out

This might be kind of a rambling, directionless post.  Let's just see where this goes, shall we?

I am feeling super worn out.  Mentally and physically.  The feeling physically worn out part might have something to do with my hideous blood work results from January 3rd.  I will list the usual suspects below for anyone who cares to know:

CBC

WBC 5.3 (3.5-11.0)
RBC  3.86 (3.80-5.20)
HGB  12.2 (11.7-15.7)
HCT  36.2 (34.9-46.9)
MCV  93.8 (80-100) (size of red blood cells - they are big!)
PLT  339 (140-444) (at least this number looks good eh?)

CMP

Chloride  107 (99-110) (high.. not sure what that means)
CO2  31 (20-31) (high.. not sure what that means either)
Total Protein  6.2 (6.1-8.0) (low.. surprise!)
(all others were fine in this category)

General Chemistry

Ferritin 6 (10-290) (low, flagged by lab. Down from 73 in November)
Magnesium  1.8 (1.7-2.5)
Phosphorus  2.7 (2.3-4.7) (down from 3.8 in November.)

So... that ferritin number looks pretty shitty.  My actual iron number is fine (it's at 73 with a range of 50-100) so that's good..  but a ferritin level like that just means I have no reserves.  My CBC just generally looked worse than ever before.  Not anemic by the lab's standards but their standards are geared for emergency medicine, not optimal ranges.  But if my ferritin goes any lower I won't have any at all!

I'm also just mentally tired.  I think I work too much LOL.  Between Zumba, nannying and running errands for my boss (yes I get paid for that), I'm a pretty busy person.  Try doing all this stuff and having your brain be a million miles away, fighting a raging eating disorder.  My head is not a fun place to be.

But.... life doesn't stop for bad labwork.  Life doesn't stop for eating disorders.  Life doesn't stop for anything at all except your own death.  Which is not where I'm looking to go!!!  It just gets very difficult to pick apart whose "voice" is whose up there.  Why am I doing this?  Am I doing this for ME or for my eating disorder?  How can I figure this out?  What should I do?  Questions questions questions!!!

Two weeks from today I'll be in L.A. at the 2014 Zumba Conference. :)  I'm excited..ish.  I hope I can stay awake through my sessions LOL!!!!!!  I can't wait to get a Conference T shirt like I got last year.  I wonder if Mara (the Zumba singer) will be there!!! I can't wait to see my friend C from Curacao.. she'll be there.  I wonder if I'll get to meet Beto again!  Will they have a fitness concert like last year?  I'm sure they will.  I wish they had a Bollywood/Bhangra workshop like before, but the lady who ran it quit.  Bummer!  I loved that one the most.  I also wonder if there'll be a theme party.  Last year, Alena and I were so tired we could barely stand up by that time.  Hahaha I remember us crawling up the stairs in the JW Marriott.. good times!  We also crawled down the hallway to the vending machine for Coke Zero at 11:30 at night.  And we made oatmeal out of the hot water from the coffee machine in the room because we didn't have a teapot or microwave.  Oh funny memories.  Can't wait to make more funny memories this year!  So many people wearing neon green and pink I think you could probably spot the L.A. Convention Center from space! :)

You know what I find daunting?  An empty notebook!  I always leave the first page blank in my notebooks because if someone opens the cover they won't automatically see all my personal writing.  I even do that with notebooks I use for school.  Habit, I guess.  I have one of those black and white composition books sitting on the table by me.  It's empty except for one word written in blue sharpie on the 2nd page: "STRONG."  I am going to write one word in it in a different color sharpie every day.  Just a word that means something.  It could be anything!  I wonder what I'll put today.

I'm bored.  It's 4:50pm.  Corky is not off until 7.  I kind of want to go for a walk but.... I'm exhausted and not feeling well.  I can't sleep during the day though.  That feels like weakness to me.

no makeup.. eek!

Fat Days

Short post.  Tonight I was nannying and we made a video... I saw myself.  I am SO DISGUSTING and humongous I deserve to just be slaughtered like the fat cow I am.

Lovely when the thoughts just go like this.

So fun!

Not.

The Facebook Post

The other day I posted this on Facebook:

With it, I posted this picture:

It has received 48 "Likes" and 13 comments.  

One person messaged me and told me that they loved that I wrote it because it's not something most people would "put out there" as she put it.  That surprises me.  Are we all walking around pretending to have our shit together all the time?  If so, that is absolutely ridiculous!  Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ALL their shit together ALL the time.  In my opinion, the only time we have it together is when we are sleeping!

Random and Picture Dump 1.12.14

Soooo... it's been eons since I did a picture dump.  I can't remember the last time!  There aren't too many on this one because I only am putting pics that were on my phone.  But soon I'll do a wedding picture dump and a Curacao picture dump.  (I didn't do the Curacao one yet, did I?? I know I did the journal entries....???)

Okay these are not going to be in order, but I'll try to put them together into categories or subjects.  And they'll be captioned. So here we go!  
***TRIGGER WARNING*** you never know.

It Works Wraps

My friend is a distributor for It Works, which basically sells weight loss, body sculpting stuff.  She sells these wrap thingies.  It is essentially like plastic wrap with lotion on it.  You apply it to your skin, keep it on for at least 45 mins, and it detoxifies your skin and helps define muscle.  I was suuuuuper skeptical... but I tried it.  Here are my two results so far.

I guess I see some difference...?  Certainly in the first one.  I made sure not to flex either time.  I also got some metabolism pills, fat fighting pills and defining gel.  Not too expensive!  The wraps feel like icy-hot.  It makes me freezing!  But it kind of feels awesome lol.

Memes and iFunny Photos

I'm always looking at iFunny on my phone.  As the name suggests, there are some pretty funny pics on there.  Also hilarious gifs and memes.  There are also some pretty cool pics too.  Here are a few I snagged.

always good advice

Mary Poppins > everything

Jax

A few pics of my baby boy (Abby isn't nearly as photo-cooperative.)

he was soooo mad about

his elf costume!

Dec 2013

he was also sooooo mad about this!

he's always grumpy about

something! Lol

Weight Loss & New Years Resolution Crap

See my post from last New Years to see what I think about January!!!! Trigger warning I guess...

this one made me laugh so hard I 

almost spit my coke zero

all over my phone.

LOL!!!!!

The Saddest Thing I Saw Today

Today I was at the mall with Corky and as we were walking back to the car, I saw this car with those little people stickers on the rear windshield.  At first I thought whoever put them there just did a crappy job of spacing, but then I realized that probably wasn't the case... here is what it looked like (I drew it for you) - 

I found it so incredibly sad.  Clearly there was another figure between the first dog and the lady.  My guess is that she got a divorce and peeled her husband (or wife, never know) out of the picture!! For some reason that made my heart ache.  Especially because of the 2 kids also depicted there.  So sad!  I hate hearing about marriages falling apart.  

Randomness

Some random pics from the last few weeks.

Tonight at dinner. I was playing

with tongs. LOL.

1.12.14

my bestie and meeeee!

Dec 2013

a funny pic I made of my

friend's cockatiel

Dec 2013

The Pelican

Happy Saturday! :)

I am going to tell you another bird-related vacation story.  This one comes from Mexico in August 2012.

Corky and I took a vacation to Cabo San Lucas in August of 2012.  It was my first time ever going to Mexico.  We stayed at a Hilton (as always) and it was right above the beach.  And I do mean above, because you had to go down these stairs and a ramp to get to the actual ocean.  It had infinity pools, hot tubs, chairs to lay on... oh my god it was heaven.  

view from our balcony

Anyway, the second day we were there, we went down to the beach.  I remember I was wearing my bikini with this black and white romper thing over it and my Vans hat and aviators.  We went down the ramp and were walking parallel to the water.  The waves came up to a certain point every time when the tide was in so there was kind of this ridge of sand halfway up the beach when the tide went out.  At this point, the tide was out.  I saw, sitting on the sand ridge, a brown pelican.

photo found on internet

I, of course, did my signature bird squeal which sounds something like "OOOOOOOOOO!!!!" really high pitched.  Corky was unimpressed by the pelican, and went down to the water.  I stopped about 20 feet from the pelican.  He was just hanging out there, his bill resting on his neck/chest so that his neck was bent at at weird angle.  His eyes were open, he was kind of looking around.  

I took a few steps closer.  He didn't move.  I took another few steps.  He still didn't move.

I got to within about 10 feet of him before he noticed me.  Well, in all honesty he probably noticed me before, just didn't care.  He was sunbathing!  A very important task.  So I kept walking up, foot by foot.  When I got to about 5 feet from him, I crouched down.  He picked his head up and gave me the side-eye.  I stayed put and he settled back down again.  

Parking my butt in the sand, I sat 5 feet from the brown pelican for about 3 minutes.  Then I carefully scootched my butt closer.  1 foot, 2 feet, 3 feet.  Then I was right next to him.  He tilted his head to the right and looked up at me with his left eye.  In the sunlight, his eye was brown with gold flecks.

"Hey," I said, as though I was greeting a friend.  "What's going on?"

The pelican blinked in the bright sunlight, his nictitating eyelid making a quick appearance as he blinked.  

"Can I pat your neck?" I asked him.  He didn't move.  I draped my arm over my bent knee so the pelican could see my hand.  Slowly... slowly... I moved my hand toward the pelican.  He waited.

His neck feathers were very soft.  They looked as though they were wet,  but they were actually not.  I petted straight down his neck from the back of his head all the way to his "shoulders" or whatever.  I did it again.  And a third time.  The pelican closed his eyes.

All the while I had been approaching the pelican, people were walking by on the beach.  As I patted the sweet bird, people stopped.  One lady took a picture.  At least that's what Corky told me later.  I didn't notice them.  I was too busy bonding with my Pelicano friend.  

"You take a nap," I told him.  "I'll sit here and make sure nobody bothers you."

The pelican and I napped and sunbathed, respectively, for about 10 minutes more.  Then the pelican stood up, shook the sand off his butt feathers, and I swear he nodded at me.  Then he took off running down the beach, flapping his wings.  After a few steps he was in the air and soared out over the pier.  I watched him dive a few times.  One of the times I thought the fish was going to drown him!  But he like.. swam to the rocky pier!  After he ate, he flew out of sight around the backside of the resort.

I never saw that particular pelican again.

The Dove

I am going to tell you a story about my very favorite thing that happened to me while on a trip.  It all happened in the span of 10 minutes - but it's my favorite vacation memory maybe ever!
(note: I can't remember if I posted this story before.  If it looks familiar, I apologize!!)

In August 2011, Corky and I took an 8 day trip to Hawaii.  We stayed in a hotel in Waikiki, right on the beach.  I love it there.  It's a pretty huge resort with all sorts of stuff on it (Hilton Hawaiian Village - look them up if you're interested!)  And it is the perfect place for bird lovers!  They've got several parrots on the property, on big wooden perches (not caged).  There are some Solomon Island Eclectus parrots, several macaws, and one or two Amazon parrots.  They've also got penguins, flamingos, assorted ducks and a swan.  Not to mention the local population of doves (they might be pigeons, but I'm just going to call them doves).

One day, I was sitting on our hotel balcony, kicked back in a chair in my bikini, eating Special K without milk (don't ask! lol) and a little white dove came and landed on the railing, about 3 feet away from where my feet rested, propped up.  I put a piece of Special K on the railing, half way between my feet and the dove.  I know, I know... Special K isn't good for birds.  But I figured this dove has been eating the leftovers off people's plates from the buffet downstairs, so Special K will probably be the healthiest thing she will have eaten in a while.

"Here you go," I said to the dove.  She eyed the piece of cereal suspiciously for a few seconds, before side-stepping her way over to it and pecking at it.  Of course, the cereal fell off the railing on her second bite.  So I put another piece.  She pecked at that one too, got a few bites in and then stepped back to her original spot on the railing.  I kept eating my cereal and the dove relaxed, just chilling there on the railing with one foot up.  A few minutes later I gave her another piece.  She ate it, then flew off.  "Bye!" I called after her.

But the dove came right back!  And she brought with her another dove.  This one seemed male, so I said, "oh! Is this your boyfriend?   He's very handsome."  And I gave them both some Special K.  They hung around on the balcony with me the whole rest of the time I was eating.  

Then I had to go take a shower because we were going on a small sunset cruise.  "I have to go take a shower," I told the doves.  "But I'll leave you some water here."  I put some fresh water into a Snapple cap and put it on the little glass table.  "I'll leave the door open," I told them as I went in.  "Feel free to come in if you want!"  I went inside and told Corky, "I told the doves they could come in.  Just so you know."

After showering, I was in the bathroom toweling my hair dry and I heard Corky call, "Babe?!"  "Hmm?"  ".... Look."  I stuck my head out the bathroom door and sure enough, there were the doves coming in through the open balcony door!

"Hi!" I exclaimed.  "Come on in!"  

Corky looked at me like I was crazy.  I got the doves some more Special K and water, and told them to stay as long as they liked.  We left for our sunset cruise and when we came back, the doves were gone.  Sweet little things.  All they left behind was one little downy feather by the door.  I like to think I helped provide them with a nice date night.

the girl dove, hanging out 

with me on the balcony

August 2011

Blessing In Disguise

This post is going to pose a question.
It will be posed on the topic of eating disorders, but anyone can answer it using whatever hardship/disease/addiction/etc. you've faced in your lifetime.  Answer the question, if you want to, in the comments section below.  :)

I was laying on the couch just now, and my mind was wandering as it often does when I'm tired or zoning out.  Suddenly, a question jumped out at me:  If I could change anything about myself, what would it be?  The immediate answer that came to my head was "misophonia."  (See blog archives, post entitled "Misophonia" or simply google the word to find an explanation.)  

That answer surprised me a little.  One might think that the thing I would change would be my apparently chronic anorexia nervosa.  But no.  

Here are just a handful of things that would not have happened to me had I not developed my eating disorder:
-Finding Zumba
-Meeting my best friend Alena
-Meeting several other very good friends, many of whom I met directly because of my e.d.
-Knowing how it feels to stare death in the face
-Learning as much about nutrition as I have
-Meeting Corky
-Having the nanny job I have
-Meeting my amazing Naturopath
-Helping many other people with eating disorders

Many of those things stem from Zumba (i.e. my nanny job, my best friend Alena, several other friends) but let's face it, I never would have discovered Zumba at all if it weren't for my having an eating disorder!  I cannot imagine my life right now without Zumba, or Alena, or my other friends.  Not to mention my husband!!! I met him because I was working at a particular Starbucks, which I never would have worked at had I not had to move home because of my anorexia.  You see?

Some might say that fate would have brought Corky and me together as a couple.  Or brought Alena and me together as friends/soul sisters.  Or even brought me to Zumba.  It is possible.  But I am fairly certain that those things would have been harder to come by or accomplish if it weren't for my anorexia.

Actually... I owe a whole lot to my anorexia.  It's horrible and tough and scary and annoying.  But I can't deny that there's a whole lot in my life I'd be missing out on if it wasn't for this damn eating disorder.

What about you?  Would you go back and undo your eating disorder (or other thing?)  Would you get rid of it now, in a snap, if you could?

Un-Manly

Over the past decade or so, it has become increasingly obvious to me that expectations regarding emotions are not equal between the genders.  Both internal and external expectations.  The more I pondered on this over the last few days, the more I realize I had been seeing this kind of thing my entire life.  

"Take it like a man," was a pretty common phrase in the 90s and early 2000s.  Men were not supposed to show emotion because, for whatever reason, people decided men showing emotion was akin to showing weakness.  And let's not forget that boys became "men" in terms of stoicism somewhere around the ripe old age of 9.  About 4th grade is when I can remember boys no longer tattling at school (mostly), clenching their jaws when they stubbed their toes on playground equipment, blinking furiously to avoid tears when they got hit in the face in dodgeball, acting like "no big deal" when a friend was mad at them.  

To be honest, it breaks my heart.  All these little 9 year old boys trying to grow up faster than they should.  Nowadays, men showing emotion is more encouraged and accepted.  In fact, "sensitive" is an adjective women use to describe a man they'd like to date.  I think it's great.  My husband has cried at movies before - and I love him  for it.  While he doesn't show sadness nearly as often as I wish he would allow himself to, he does convey it and I am quick to tell him that I'm grateful he shared that with me.  

So the other day, I was at Powell's Books with Corky and I saw this:

It actually made me really sad and a little mad.  Since when is it not okay for a boy to have a journal?  Since when is it not okay for boys (or men for that matter) to write down how they feel?  Why was there a need to write "destroy if needed" on the front?  Why should they destroy it??  Men are humans.  Humans have feelings.  What's wrong with that?  I don't think it's "un-manly" to write down your feelings.  It's better than bottling them up and letting them come blasting out at unsuspecting people later.

This is something I think our society could work on.  Help ALL people, whatever their gender, feel more comfortable with feeling.

Frustration

I apologize in advance for this post.  I really have no idea what I'm about to type!  Trigger warning, possibly.  

Okay, that last sentence just made me crack up laughing.  This whole blog should have a trigger warning pasted on it in neon letters!  

I feel as though I am living a very torn life right at this moment.  One the one hand, there is a great big part of my brain that screams things such as the following at me every day:
"Lose weight!"
"You're fat!"
"Don't eat that!!"
"You're stupid and ugly!"
"You don't deserve that food."
"You're disgusting and huge."
"Don't eat anymore."
"You can't have that."
"That isn't safe!"
"You're going to get humongous."
"You're a terrible person."
"No one cares about you."

It's in this horrible, soft, crooning voice.  Well, not actually a voice but if it had a voice that is how it would sound.  Like a whisper right in my ear.  Like a lullaby of horrible sentences.

Then there's this other great big part of my brain that says things like this:
"Your body does a lot for you."
"You are very lucky."
"You have lots going for you."
"Food is not poison."
"Moderation."
"You like this food, eat some!"
"You want to be a mother someday, treat your body well."
"It is normal to eat this food."
"It'll be fine."
"It won't make you fat."
"You're not fat!"

Now how is that for confusing??  Sometimes I get both of those "voices" at the same time, one over the other, or back and forth like an argument.  When that happens, it goes like this:

"Don't eat that."
"You like this food, eat some!"
"You can't have that."
"It is normal to eat this food."
"You'll get humongous!"
"Moderation."
"You don't deserve this food."
"You want to be a mother someday, treat your body well."
"You're disgusting and huge."
"You're not fat!"
"Don't eat that!"
"It won't make you fat."
"You're a terrible person."
"You're very lucky."
"No one cares about you."
"You have lots going for you."

It's like a lovers quarrel.  Don't ask why I refer to myself in as "you".  I really have no idea.  That's just the way my eating disorder talks to me, and the way my rational brain talks back.  Or it tries, anyway!  Most of the time that rational voice gets shoved out of the way.  Any time I eat anything, I am doused with guilt.  I'm saturated with it.  It's the kind of guilt that makes your blood turn icy and you think, "what have I done?"  

The moment I start feeling hungry, I start feeling guilty too.  And desperate.  And scared.  A very trapped feeling like, "get me out of here!!!"  But I can't escape it.  My eating disorder brain says "go to bed.  Ignore it.  Don't give in!"  But then my body and my rational brain are like, "um no.  I'm hungry.  Go have an apple or some oatmeal or something!"  Even if it's healthy stuff like that, I feel so so so guilty.  There aren't words in the English language to describe how bad it feels to know I'm about to eat something that I'm going to regret in 10 minutes.  I know it's coming - I just can't stop it unless I just don't eat it.  But that's not the right thing to do either!  So what is?  I have to choose between making one side of my brain happy, or the other.  That isn't fair!!!! I'm so mad about it!  But that is life for now.  Maybe forever.  I have anorexia and I will have it to one degree or another for the rest of my life.  

"That Would Be Awful!"

Heeeeyyyy everyone!  Happy New Year!

Can't believe I started this blog way back in 2012.  Granted, it was December 2012, so it was basically 2013 already when I started but... that doesn't matter. Haha.  I remember very vividly writing "Happy Incipient Diet Ad Day" Dec 31, 2012.  I'm pleased to tell you that I have seen way less diet ads and diet paraphernalia the first 3 days of 2014.  I'm not sure if that's because there really are less or if I just have been too busy to notice.

The title of this post is talking about probably the funniest thing Corky has ever said to me.  The other night I was holding Jax (our 9 month old French bulldog puppy) on his back like a baby in my arms.  Corky was looking at his Kindle Fire on the couch.  I was rocking Jaxxie and said, "hey babe, what if we had a baby and it looked like Jax?"  Corky stared blankly at his tablet for a minute before he met my gaze and said, "....that would be awful!"  Which was hilarious because it would be awful!  Jax makes a very cute Frenchie but would make a hideous baby!

Jaxxie

Dec 2013