So Disgusted/Disgusting

Today I made a video and posted it on my YouTube channel (katenotkatie87).

And I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!

I look so disgusting and fat I can't even stand it!  I HATE how I look right now, and I am so scared/sad because I know it's only going to get worse from here.  I have 6 more months of this shit to deal with and I don't know how I'm going to do it.  Make no mistake, I will do it!  I just don't know how I'll do it.

I'm so angry at the world right now.  Why does it have to be this way?  Not that I wish I wasn't pregnant.  I just wish being pregnant didn't have to be so fucking hard all the time!  Being pregnant would have already been hard enough without an eating disorder, to say nothing of all the issues of cramping, spotting, hormones, emotions, headaches, nausea and inability to work out!  I know it could be worse.  I could be bedrested, I could have blood pressure problems, I could have already miscarried... I know, I know, I know, and I try so hard to have a positive attitude most of the time but this is my ONE pity party post, okay?  I won't do it again for a really long time, pinky promise.

There is nothing about this that is easy.  Not a damn thing.  There are so many things about this that are hard, not the least of which is feeling so torn all the time.  Trying to explain to someone the concept of missing something but not necessarily wanting it back, but grieving it all the same, is a very hard thing to do.  It's not a concept that is easy to grasp for some people (read: Corky.)  Sometimes it feels to me like trying to explain some things is like hitting my head against a brick wall.

I think I am going to stop seeing my therapist, H, again.  I've only been back 3 times.  But I can already tell I'm going to get nowhere with that, too.  Corky hates her, for reasons mostly unknown to me.  He gets an idea in his head about how someone is and won't budge from that.  No matter what she does, he won't ever get over that opinion of her.  Which I guess I can't really judge him for, because there are people in his life that I literally cannot force myself to approve of, no matter how many redeeming qualities he tells me they have.  At any rate, seeing H is just costing me money (that I don't have enough of) and time (which I do have plenty of) and causing me stress (which I don't need ANY of!) so I emailed her to cancel tomorrow's appointment, but I don't know if she got it or not.  Guess we'll see.

Same thing goes for my dietitian.  She gave me lots of information about how many calories I "should" be eating (2500) and what kinds of foods I should be eating (not fat-free foods. Imagine that) and costing me $95 per session to do that.  She told me she'd give me some forms to send to my insurance for reimbursement, because she doesn't bill insurance herself, but she never did so I had to email her to bug her about them today.  I think I'll cancel my next appointment with her, too, just because it's not helping me.  I feel like she raised my exchanges too high too fast, and scared me.  I was drinking 1% milk and eating low fat (1.5% milkfat) yogurt, but now I only drink skim and eat non-fat yogurt again because her meal plan scared the shit out of me.  Awesome.

Despite that all, I feel like a balloon.  My skin feels like it's stretching all over my body, not just in my abdomen.  It feels tight.  I hate it.  I want to crawl right OUT of it!  And crawl back in in November, just to push this kid out and have my body back again.  Except I won't even get it back then because I'll have to nurse the baby... sigh.  Which I do want to do, I really really do.  But... it's just so fucking HARD.