May!!!!!!

Probably a pretty funny post title for someone who hates Spring as much as I do.  But I'm excited that it's May.  The reason is that May is closer to June!  June is when Summer starts and Spring is OVER!  And I don't have to deal with Spring for a whole year!!! (Well, a little under a year, but you get what I'm saying!)  May is halfway through Spring.  I can make it for another half a season!

I'm also excited it's May because that's closer to November.  My fetus will be 11 weeks tomorrow.  Cute huh?  It should now be about an inch long (tall?) from head to butt.  Last night I had a dream that someone told me I looked pregnant.  Actually, it was a really weird dream because in the dream I was in ED treatment again, but it didn't look like any treatment place I've ever been to in reality.

One reason why this pregnancy thing is so hard is that literally ALL my coping mechanisms are gone.  I do believe that being pregnant, gaining weight, etc, would be hard for anyone, especially in this age and society where body image and weight are so central to the human consciousness.  I believe it would be even harder for someone with a history with eating disorders.  I believe it would be harder still for someone in recovery from eating disorders.  And even harder STILL for someone who is still actively sick (in body and/or mind), as I was/am.  Up until the day I saw those 4 blue plus signs, I was still restricting, drinking tons of diet coke, occasionally taking laxatives, chewing & spitting, and exercising like you wouldn't believe.  March 24th, that all stopped instantly.

Now, it's May 2nd.  I am having a HELL of a time coping with the stress of life plus the anxiety of pregnancy and weight gain and all that.  The first few weeks weren't too bad.. not a lot of body changes, plus I was worrying about miscarrying.  Now, I'm still a little worried about miscarrying, but there are now lots of body changes and hormone changes to deal with.  Up until March 24th, whenever I was stressed out, I'd go to the gym, skip a meal or two, take a few laxatives or chew and spit until my mouth was all cut up.  Now... I can't do any of that (except for maybe chew and spit but that somehow just doesn't seem right.)  I literally have NONE of my usual coping skills available.  Not only do I not have them, they disappeared in a split second, and I didn't have time to try to come up with anything else.  I feel like I'm in space!  It is absolutely terrifying.

So what am I going to do about that?  Yesterday I made two appointments.  One was to see my old therapist, H, on Tuesday.  The second was with a dietitian, but unfortunately she can't see me until 5/20!  Well... that's the best they could do, so I guess I'll have to take it.  I was peeved, though, because the reason they couldn't see me any earlier was because the "intake" appointment need to be 90 minutes long and she didn't have any 90 minute slots open until then!  I was like, "can't it just be shorter and I can come in sooner?"  "No."  Well, okay then!

I was also incredibly pissed the other day when I called my insurance to find out which dietitians were covered and they told me that they only cover FIVE eating disorder related RD visits PER LIFETIME!!!!!!!!! I almost dropped my phone on the floor.  I said, "do you know what 'chronic anorexia' means??  It means I am going to need way more than 5 visits in my lifetime.  I'm only 26!"  But of course there wasn't anything the lady could do about it.  Besides that, I was already pissy because I had been on hold for an hour and 6 minutes!  Gotta love Obamacare!

ANYWAY!!!! Enough about that.  It's Friday, that's exciting.  Cinco De Mayo festival is here this weekend, but it's supposed to rain. Boo!!!  
have a fantastic weekend!! xoxoxo :)