The More I See...

"The more I see the less I know."

That was a saying I heard very often throughout my childhood.  Like many other sayings ("fallen from grace", "many hands make light work", "have your cake and eat it too") it suddenly became very clear to me one day what that meant.  I can't remember the circumstances under which I had that realization, but I remember it just dawned on me like, "oh... THIS is what that means!"

This is kind of how I feel right now.  The more I learn, the more questions I ask, the more information I receive.. the less I know.  There is just SO MUCH conflicting information!! Everywhere I look!  Or information that advocates for one thing but puts unhelpful restrictions on it in the next breath.  Some examples of these are:

"Exercise is good during pregnancy.  Beware of not exercising too much."  Okay.. first of all, what does that even mean??  I understand that most of this information is written for people who don't have eating disorders and struggle with overexercising... but still! Vague much?  Most people don't have any idea how much exercise is right for them even when they aren't pregnant, much less when they are!  Ultimately I know that the thing to do is "ask your doctor, ask your doctor, ask your doctor."  But it would be nice if the info could make a little more sense when standing alone.

"Pregnant women need 300-400 extra calories per day."  "The recommended intake is 2500-2700 calories per day."  I know I wrote a blog post on this before, I think very early April or late March, can't remember which.  Those two statements do not really go together!  As I put it in the aforementioned post, in what universe is 2100-2300 the daily RDA of calories for an average, non pregnant woman?  I just don't get it.

"Fish is great to eat during pregnancy - very healthy."  "Do not eat too much fish because it has mercury."  Or, as the nurse who did my prenatal class pronounced it, "merk-err-ee."  Well, if you read a bit farther, you'll see that it does say that not all fish has as high amounts of merk-err-ee as tuna does.  But even within that realm I'm finding information that is way off.  Some say eat tuna once per week.  Some say eat it once per month!  Well, which is it?? To be safe, I'm just not eating it at all!

Here's one that was actually said TO ME (as opposed to reading it in literature or on the internet.)  
Naturopath: Take melatonin.  It's fine as long as you only take 3mg.  Don't take diphenhydramine, it could damage the fetus.

......Four days later....

Obstetrician:  Don't take melatonin.  Studies have linked it to birth defects.  Take diphenhydramine instead, there have been no proven links between that and birth defects.

This one drives me CRAZY!!!!!!  I need to take a crazy concoction of medications to sleep at night.  I've never been good at it!  I was on klonopin and amitriptylene BOTH for sleep, and I still had to take 6mg of melatonin, 2 Calm CP, 3 Kavinace AND Advil PM to sleep.  Now I only take the Calm CP, Kavinace and melatonin/diphenhydramine.  Lately I haven't been taking melatonin, but diphenhydramine instead.  It's not that I don't trust my ND - but my OB does ONLY this (and by "this" I mean see pregnant women.)  It would be so nice if my doctors' advice could match up just once!

And furthermore on the topic of "the more I see the less I know," the more changes I see in my body, the less I know what the hell is going on.  I mean, of course I KNOW why my pants don't fit anymore.  I know what it means to be pregnant!  I know what is going to happen.  But I'm having a hard time getting my head around it.

The other night (Monday) I went to Hardcore, where I teach Zumba, but my friend L was covering that class for me.  Anyway, she invited me to do a song or two up on the stage.  When it was my turn, I went up... and I was HORRIFIED by the sight of myself!  I was wearing a tight-ish shirt, which might have seemed stupid.  The reason I wore that was because every time I go to Hardcore, the Zumba ladies all want to see my "baby bump" (which is hardly there, but they think it's cute.)  So I usually end up having to hold my shirt tight against my body so they can see it.  So I figured I'd just wear a tighter shirt so they could all see it and get over it!  Big mistake.  

Anyway, I feel like a cow all over.  I'm sure nobody really noticed, except for maybe my stomach but that's just because they're looking for it, and that's fine.  But I was so grossed out!!!  My eating disorder brain was like, "UGH!  GROSS!!! You need to WORK OUT!!!!  Look at that! What a disgrace!"  And I'm like, "wait a minute, wait a minute! I'm pregnant! There's a difference!"  But what can I do?  I can't get that voice to shut up.  And ever since that night I'm terrified to eat anything.  Don't worry - I eat anyway.  But it's so difficult!  And that voice has been going "you need to go for a walk... just for an hour... maybe go to the gym later... or go to Zumba..."  Omg omg omg.  

As soon as I'm done typing this entry, I'm going to call the phone number that is on the paper next to me and ask my insurance what nutritionists they cover in my area.  After that, I'm going to email my therapist.  Apparently, I cannot do this on my own.  But hey, I made it to 10 and a half weeks without much ED chatter.  That's a pretty damn good start.  :)

Happy 10th Birthday MEAN GIRLS!  "On wednesdays, we wear PINK!"  :) XOXOXOXO