2nd Post Today

***Trigger Warning***

It's beginning.  My body is changing.  

It's a fact that there is a fetus growing in my uterus.  Things are growing, shifting, changing, moving.  This causes some swelling.  Even though the fetus is only as big as a kidney bean, my uterus is growing, making room for this kidney-bean-sized fetus to grow bigger and bigger.  The swelling causes my clothes not to fit the same.  Or, in the case of some clothing items, at all.

This is probably the 2nd hardest thing I've ever done.  The first hardest thing was similar to this.

In September of 2007, I was admitted to the hospital because of my eating disorder.  I was in a very bad way.  Underweight.  Gray.  Sick.  It was bad.  October 1, 2007, I was admitted to Kartini Clinic in Portland.  December 21, 2007, I got out.  40 pounds heavier.

That 3 and a half months was only the beginning.  The year and a half that followed after it were some of the darkest days I've ever had.  I hated my body.  Hated it so much I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

This is totally, completely, utterly, 100% different.  I can completely get behind this reason.  Kartini did NOT need to put 40 pounds on me in 12 weeks.  They didn't need to put 40 pounds on me at all!  This, I understand, needs to happen.  There is no way to grow a baby in your uterus without literally expanding to make room for it.  

So why does this suck so much?  This is so, so, SO hard!!!!  And I am terrified because I know it's only going to get worse.  Can I do this?  Can I REALLY do this?????  I'm going to have to.  I just hope I can stay in one piece!